


better by the day

by InfiniteWoonique



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Body Image, Coming of Age, Conflict, Developing Relationship, Discussion of Abortion, Drama, Eventual Fluff, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Mpreg, Pregnant Im Changkyun | I.M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2020-04-08 10:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 109,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19105567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteWoonique/pseuds/InfiniteWoonique
Summary: -“Nothing had happened, solely the established fact that we were friends, becoming better by the day. The only thing we'd ever be because we were both so terribly scared to do anything about it.” - Lauren Cagliola GreenChangkyun had really messed up… like really, really messed up. He was only 18, had just started college, had just started his new job, and here he is… pregnant. He didn’t know what to do, but maybe, just maybe, things would get better by the day and in the end, he will be okay.





	1. Positive

The constant nausea should have been the first sign. On top of that, there was also the exhaustion that rendered him debilitated on good days and nearly immovable on bad days. He slept every chance he got when he wasn’t stuck in class or at work. And if that wasn’t a red flag already, he had headache upon headache, a few migraines added into the mix. The most embarrassing to him was that he was bloated at random times of the day, and being so thin and self-conscious of his body, lack of self-confidence throwing him, he wanted to hide away in his room and wear rather large clothing to hide his body away. There was something seriously wrong with him, but he feigned ignorance, giving his body the benefit of the doubt. He was just sick. 

Even adding all these symptoms together in WebMD, he had found it amusing that the site immediately considered cancer as one of the diagnoses, but what alarmed him the most was that pregnancy was the most plausible answer before listing at least four different types of cancer below it. He would like to say that he immediately knocked that off the list completely, but he really couldn’t. Because there was one night he spent at a party to kick off the beginning of the semester, and it had not gone as smoothly as he had hoped. 

It had been his first college party, fresh out of high school and he had been incredibly excited about it. It was actually his first real party ever. He hadn’t had many opportunities to go to parties in high school since he was confined to a private school with well-behaved children that didn’t even consider drinking alcohol until the legal age or staying up late enough to get less than six hours of sleep, so Changkyun never had access or invitations. Now he did and he had taken advantage of that entirely. 

The party had been at a frat house on the outskirts of campus, a good fifteen-minute walk from the back entrance of his dorm. He could smell the weed and alcohol from outside the house and that alone got him pumped for the night ahead of him. His explorations of what he was allowed to ingest were limited at home and now on his own, trying as much as he could that night at college was the only thing on his agenda. Have fun, worry later. The hangover the next day would be his biggest problem. What could he do that would be bad enough to make him regret the best night ever? 

Many things, evidently. Walking into that crammed frat house alone and being uneducated on how college kids really acted was his worst and first regret. Changkyun knew he should have at least gone with his new roommate but the kid was already out with his boyfriend for the night. Changkyun had then chosen to go alone, something he was very familiar with doing as per his social life in high school. Changkyun had stuck to himself at first and only then did he mingle with others when he had enough Red Bull and vodka in his system.

Changkyun didn’t have many friends, his only ones he’d ever had were back home or off at their own universities, busy with their new lives on their own. That was also his fault, choosing to have a smaller friend group instead of a large one because that meant less effort to get to know so many people when he could spend as little energy as possible only getting to know a few. Now, Changkyun was alone and it wasn’t much different from his time in high school. He was just alone with older people who were expert partiers now and they were going to show him how to get shit-faced and how to get used to it. And in the process, he’d been drunk enough to have sex with a stranger, but he was sure they had used a condom. Therefore, there was nothing to worry about. But then again, his mother had always warned him that there was a small percentage of condoms that don’t properly work, and always followed that fact with her advice at not having sex at all to avoid STDs and unplanned pregnancies entirely. 

Then thinking that if he really was pregnant, his mother would surely kill him. Maybe even disown him and that in itself was terrifying since his family was his main support system. He was just starting off college, was just starting to pay for his own necessities, and finding out that he was going to be a father had his heart palpitating, but that was only if he actually was pregnant. He wasn’t even sure yet, he had no proof or evidence, but the thought of having to tell his mother that he was knocked up… he didn’t even want to imagine that. 

But he still had to make sure that he was pregnant in the first place. He had to knock that off the list entirely before resorting to worst case scenarios. 

And to make it as inconspicuous as possible, Changkyun waited until he received his next paycheck, a good sum of money added to his account before he decided to go and finally buy a test. He had walked to the nearest grocery store which was luckily close enough to campus that it was a good fifteen-minute walk. While loading his basket with fruits and vegetables to try and eat healthily and not gain the freshman fifteen, he grabbed a pregnancy test that was in the family planning aisle, right next to racks of condoms that he was sure he used that night he got blackout drunk. He tried to be discreet about where he placed the test, but the cashier gave him a pointed look when she grabbed the box and read what it was. She went to school with him and he looked horribly like a freshman, she knew he was. Changkyun could feel how his ears were bright red and stayed that way until he was out of the parking lot and heading straight back to campus. He wasn’t going to make any more stops, not when he had incriminating evidence on his person. It would reveal everything about his situation. 

All he could think of the whole walk back was the pregnancy test in the bag in his right hand and how he swore it added an extra ten pounds, feeling heavy and burdening. His shoulders were starting to hurt from all he was carrying and his back was aching, maybe another symptom of pregnancy? At this point, he was already starting to believe he was actually pregnant. But he still had a flicker of hope that he wasn’t. Honestly, at this point, he was hoping he had cancer because that would be a better thing to tell his mother. She wouldn't disown him for having cancer.  

Once all his food was in his area of the fridge, all Changkyun had left to put away was his pregnancy test. The instructions indicated that the first pee of the day was a better way to test for pregnancy as opposed to late in the day due to the concentration of the pregnancy hormone. Changkyun swore in his head because that meant he had to wait longer in order to take the test. Home pregnancy tests were surprisingly expensive and he didn’t want to receive a false positive on the first one because he failed to read directions. Reading it maybe fifty more times, Changkyun resorted to hiding it away in his desk drawer until tomorrow morning. Changkyun tried to keep his mind off of it and instead preoccupy his time with assignments he had for the week. Even then he couldn’t think straight enough for more than two minutes and before he knew it, he had spent three hours staring at his laptop screen and he had only done half of an assignment. 

His attempts were futile and in his frustration, he slammed his laptop closed and shoved the device under his pillow before laying down for the night. It was chilly the further they immersed themselves in fall so Changkyun pulled his blanket up to his chin and laid on his back, staring at the ceiling in hopes that it would help him sleep. It was still a little early compared to what time he usually slept, two or sometimes three in the morning. It was only twelve at night and he was wide awake. Yet that didn’t make a difference since he stayed awake most of the night, even conscious when Hyungwon finally crept into the room at two in the morning, right at curfew. Changkyun did not greet him, too afraid to speak and simply laid there as Hyungwon stumbled around in the dark, keeping as quiet as possible to let his roommate sleep. Changkyun appreciated his efforts, but with how anxious and awake he was, every sound was amplified by ten and rang in his ears. He was afraid that if he said something, anything, Hyungwon would be able to pick up on the tone of his voice. He wanted to avoid that at all costs. 

The digital clock sitting on Changkyun’s bedside table was his only indicator of what time it was and he watched each minute pass by, agonizingly slow. The last number he remembered looking at was 4:52 before he fell asleep. He had to wake up at seven in order to get ready for his eight o-clock drawing class, and throughout the entire night that fear of him missing his early class was another aid in his lack of rest. 

The next time he did look at the clock, it read 7:37 and he had slept in. Changkyun, keeping as quiet as possible to not wake up Hyungwon, threw the covers off his body and leaped over to his closet to grab what he was going to wear that day. It was going to be this week’s lazy day, he reasoned, and threw on a hoodie and matching track pants before going to grab his school ID card from his desk drawer, his key to getting into the dorm, getting into his room, and getting his meals for the day. It was essential that he had it on his person anytime he was outside of his room. 

When he grabbed his ID, his attention was then focusing on the pregnancy test in his drawer. Right… Suddenly, his eagerness to make it to class on time was put on the back burner as he was more concerned with the possibility that he was pregnant. He could always wait until the next morning, but he really couldn’t go through another night like the one he had before. He couldn’t afford it, he needed every bit of rest between class and his job. It just wouldn’t do.

So carefully, Changkyun brought the box into the bathroom and tore it open as quietly as possible, afraid that if anyone could hear him opening the package they would know immediately what he was doing. He hopped into the stall and closed the door, keeping all packaging with him and away from anyone else who could see it. 

With shaking hands, Changkyun sat on the toilet and did as the instructions told him, having memorized them at this point. Pee on the stick, wait three minutes for the results. Once finished, he placed the cap on the end he peed on and shoved the thing in his hoodie pocket before getting off the toilet and flushing any remains that weren't caught by the test. 

Changkyun didn’t want to look at it. He had headed back into his room and placed the test face down on his desk before leaving the room to pace back and forth in the connected sitting area and kitchen of their apartment style dorm. His sneakers squeaked against the tile floor of their kitchen before silencing against the carpet of the sitting room. This repeated until his phone rang with the timer he had set after three minutes, almost immediately shutting it off, not wanting to wake up his other roommates. His heart was in his throat, his mind racing as he tried to hype himself to go and check. See if he was going to be a dad. 

But then logic reminded him that he was most likely overreacting. There was still a chance that he wasn’t pregnant at all. This was only a guess and he was going to look at that test and find it negative. Then he could go to class and forget that anything happened. This would go down in the books as his first and hopefully only pregnancy scare. It would be something to look back on and laugh, something he could bring up between people he knew or maybe his brother as a joke. This wasn’t happening, there was just something that was really wrong with him, but no way he was pregnant. 

With that voice in his head giving him the courage he needed to step forward, Changkyun deeply inhaled and calmly exhaled as he headed back into his room. From his spot in the doorway, he could see the plastic end of the test sticking over the edge of his desk. It was pink and was almost mocking him, as though playing a game of hide and seek that was too easy yet harder than anything he’s ever done before. 

Changkyun stepped forward and picked the test up with tentative fingers, holding the answer away from him so he can catch his bearings before really relieving the next step of his agenda. His heart was beating so fast, palpitations bringing a buzz to his body that was uncomfortable and had his knees shaking and weak. Why was he so nervous? It was going to be negative, he just knew it would be. He wasn’t pregnant, for sure he wasn’t. 

He had five minutes to go before he had to leave for class and he had no time to waste. He could look at it now and once he saw the negative sign he could throw it away in the dumpster outside and walk to class like normal. Never have to think about it again. It would be burned with other trash and no one would know it was even his. He was home free. 

So turning over that test and expecting to see the negative sign he was so sure was going to show up, his world came crashing down. Because wouldn’t you know it… it was positive. 

Changkyun felt entirely numb, his body and mind felt as though they weren’t connected. His mind was present but it was so distant and it was as though he was having an out of body experience, looking down at his own body from above, standing there in complete shock. He was pregnant. There was no trick of the light, there was no mistake, maybe a small faint line. There was a plus sign, he was pregnant. And there were no possibilities of a false positive because he had looked up every way that one could procure. None of them applied to him, whatever the test said would be his end result. 

He was pregnant. Those two little intersecting lines confirmed it. 

His head was starting to hurt and it was like he was one with his body now as he was returned, eyes staring right at the pregnancy test he was holding in his hand. His lungs and throat were burning, starved of air and denied the access to function properly, to replenish his being of what it needed. His chest was heaving but nothing was being inhaled and Changkyun’s eyes were starting to hurt, pressure too much. He was getting frightened and as a last minute resort, he pinched his thigh through his track pants and through that slight, physical pain, he was brought back to life. There was for sure going to be a bruise on his thigh the size of Jeju on his skin, evidence of his internal struggles. 

He was gasping for air, trying to gulp down as much oxygen as he could to rid his body of the pain that was rendering him paralyzed. How fast his lungs were acting and how violent his chest was moving, it was mortifying. He felt as though he was dying, like his lungs would explode if he didn’t calm down soon. He could feel the pain in his fingers and toes, reaching as far as every nerve would let it extend. His arms and legs ached and the only part of his body that he felt control over was his hand, gripping onto that positive pregnancy test. He felt as though he could break it, make the plastic splinter into shards and cut into his hand. It would relieve him of the pain he was feeling in his chest and the pain he was feeling in his feet. It would be a different kind of pain, a more distracting pain, a better pain than an anxiety attack provides. 

“Shit,” he spoke under his breath, feeling nauseous all over again. Looks like he wasn’t going to his two hour drawing class today after all. He wouldn’t be able to hold a pencil in this condition, let alone sitting still and listening to what his professor had to tell him. it would go in one ear and right out the other. 

“Changkyun?” Hyungwon asked, groggy and weighed down. His roommate slept on the other side of the room, diagonal from Changkyun’s bed. Hyungwon had been sleeping soundly, having not signed up for morning classes and traded those for online classes in favor of sleeping in. His earliest class was noon and with how late he stayed out with his boyfriend, he needed enough sleep to function properly before then. There were a few times where Hyungwon hadn’t had enough sleep and he was a nightmare, Changkyun could testify to that. Looking at him now, he looked peaceful and wasn’t having the type of existential crisis that Changkyun was experiencing. Changkyun wished he had slept as soundly as Hyungwon had.

But now processing the situation and recognizing the panic on Changkyun's face, Hyungwon jumped to his feet and stumbled over to his roommate, hands up to try and grab the slightly younger man and see if he needed physical comfort, “What’s going on? Are you okay?” he made a grab at Changkyun’s hand, the one that held the test and it may have been to investigate what he was holding or it may have been a gesture of comfort, but with the way Changkyun’s brain was thinking, everything he saw was negative and an act of aggression. 

“Don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me,” Changkyun pleaded, taking a step away from the older. Hyungwon stopped in his tracks with downturned eyes, concern laced in his lashes. His sleep muddled mind wasn’t processing entirely what he was being told and with taking one step closer to Changkyun, he made it worse by ten fold, “Leave me alone! Get away!” he shouted, anxiety getting the best of him. He didn’t know Hyungwon too well, couldn’t entail this huge detail of his life to someone he barely knew. He had to get out of this room and he had to get out fast. 

Not wanting the test in his hand anymore, Changkyun slammed it into his desk drawer and removed the headphones that sat inside, neatly folded and tied. He needed some space to clear his head and what this all meant. Slamming the drawer shut, Changkyun grabbed his phone and his school ID so he could leave the room and return later. With skipping his morning class and then no class until noon, Changkyun had enough time to breakdown before having to go anywhere and seem presentable. He was holding back his tears and hopefully, he could refrain his tear ducts from dropping a single drop while still in his room and in his unit. He could cry once he was out in the large courtroom. 

Changkyun shoved his headphones into his ears hard enough to hurt and made sure his music was at a high volume. An obnoxious hip hop song that was loud enough to distract him entirely from his mental dilemma. He couldn’t think straight right now, not at all. 

He almost threw his body onto the bench that was placed in the courtyard outside his dorm. He plopped down hard enough for his tailbone to feel the effects and stomped his feet, which was juvenile but he was allowed to be right now. He was having a panic attack and he was out of his mind for now, nothing holding him back and common sense not collaborating with his thoughts.

He lowered the volume enough to try out the phrase that was repeating in his mind over and over again with a passion, “I’m pregnant,” Changkyun sobbed, voice almost unrecognizable and once he had verbalized that small sentence, he finally started crying. He pulled his hood up to obscure his face some and covered his mouth with the end of his sleeve, sweater paws blocking the cries from being too audible. His lips were hurting from the pressure he was putting on his face, hoping it would bruise from his actions due to the panic and confusion. 

Changkyun’s self harm was pretty mild in comparison to others when it came to his panic attacks, but self harm was still self harm. The desire to hurt himself bad enough to leave marks was something he had been told not to do many a time by those who had seen him do it. Self harm was a huge reliever, but the consequences of it all were far too gruesome. He tried not to commit to such crimes against his own body, but his actions were almost out of his control until he came down from this flight instinct. Panic attacks were the worst things to ever happen to anyone in his opinion. They were awful. 

He's still eighteen, won’t be nineteen for another three months. He was going to have a baby before he was twenty and doing quick math, he was going to be giving birth around finals week. Just fucking great, he was going to be super pregnant and stressing over tests just as much as he would be stressing about a screaming and pooping machine that was going to take control of his life. A pregnancy meant he wasn’t going to get far into college and he wasn’t going to get a degree at the time he was expecting to. Getting a degree was the most important thing to him at the moment and he may not even get a degree at all if he had a kid to worry over all the time. He would need to get a better job than he had currently, maybe even two to support them because he was almost sure that the father wasn’t going to get involved. They never did when they were young. 

He had met the father two months ago at his first college party. Thinking over the events that had happened two months ago, he wanted to throw up in embarrassment and lack of care for that night’s events. He’d had sex, of course he had or he wouldn’t be in this situation. He very rarely let his guard down enough for someone to get him into bed but this time around he'd had shot after shot and drink after drink, some forced by whoever he had been fraternizing with at the time and some voluntary with the need to have more in his system to get that incredibly warm feeling you get when you drink alcohol. He had been too distracted to practice self control and through this had gotten truly shit-faced. Through this, anything went for him. His consent was permanently on his lips, letting anyone and everyone try their luck on him. Protecting his emotions so well for so long, it felt nice to let go and not worry about anything coming his way. 

But boy was he wrong. At the end of the night, a few more shots in his system, he had met one boy that swept him off his feet with the strength of ten men. He’d said he was a sophomore and he had been so nice and so charming that when they were drunk enough, the older had taken him to an empty bedroom and proceeded to have sex with him. He’d had the decency to ask for his name and he remembered it but speaking that name now made him nauseous and he really needed to not be sick. He didn’t know the boy other than that and now he was having his baby. Perfect. 

Changkyun bit his lip hard enough to bleed but he stopped himself before he could actually do it, not wanting to go the rest of the day and a few more with a busted lip. He quickly whipped his phone out of his hoodie pocket and opened his calendar to count how long ago the party had been. Eight weeks ago, he was eight weeks pregnant. He had an eight week old fetus in his belly right now, and after that thought, he slid his hand under sweatshirt over where he knew the baby was supposed to be positioned and felt the slight bump. It wasn’t baby at this point, he was bloated and it was painful, stretching his stomach out enough for him to feel it in his groin. His fingers curled over his skin, a bit too harsh. His fingernails dug into the skin and he didn’t register it until it was truly painful. He quickly removed his hand and brought his knees up to his chest, arms folded over them and tried to make himself as small as possible. He wanted to disappear, didn’t want to be alive right now. 

His mother was going to kill him, honestly she was. There was no denying that, or even worse, disown him. Changkyun grew up in a very Christian central household and he had always been taught that sex before marriage and children before marriage was a sin. She had told him and his older brother many times that getting pregnant underage was the worst thing they could do to her. That and doing drugs or committing murder, which to Changkyun, getting pregnant wasn’t as bad as getting addicted to drugs or killing someone, but who was he to state his opinion? Whatever his mother said went, and getting pregnant while single and in college was just as bad as doing committing a felony. 

He wasn’t ready for a baby, not even close. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to have children in the first place, never really seeing himself getting married and settling down. It was against his taste and living alone was preferable, no need to worry over anyone but himself. He could have the freedom to do whatever he wanted. He could paint all day every day if he wanted to and sell his paintings to local art galleries and hopefully established a name for himself. All he wanted to do was create art and do what he loved, but that dream seemed farther away with a baby stuck to his side. He would be too busy to paint, he would have to change diapers and make bottles instead of pursuing his passion. 

He couldn’t keep this baby, he didn’t want this baby. He had options he knew, but they were also huge decisions, just as big a decision as having a baby was. Was he really going to keep this baby when he had no clue what he was doing in any aspect? 

But he couldn’t think about that now because he had to puke. He pulled his headphones out of ears and threw them to the side so he could bolt over to a grassy area of the courtyard. He bent over his knees and released the contents of his stomach, surprisingly his the small amount of food he had eaten in the early hours of the morning, eyes clenched as everything slipped from his throat. His throat burned and it tasted horrible, the worst taste he ever had the displeasure of tasting. But this was routine now, he’d thrown up so many times now. He was used to it. This time around though, it tasted worse since he knew he was pregnant. It tasted so much worse knowing the exact cause of why he was so sick. It was going to get worse with each symptom and there was absolutely nothing that was going to fix it right now. His throat’s pain eased and he was able to stand up again, glancing at the people who were watching him from afar. They weren’t helping or moving to aid in his succor in any way and Changkyun honestly preferred that. 

Changkyun’s mind drifted off to Hyungwon and how he’d just been trying to help him earlier. Damn it, he had snapped at him and had shown him his ugly side, insensitive and rough and he was still up in their room because he didn’t have class until much later, about three hours. There was no where for him to go beforehand with his boyfriend off in class in the mornings. Changkyun had really messed up there but he was already devising an apology for his behavior and outbursts. He was going to tell him that he had a normal panic attack at nothing in particular, just over stress. It was just one of those days and he would be fine later. It was perfect and Hyungwon would hopefully buy it without any more questions. 

It had taken an entire thirty minutes on top of the other half hour he’d spent in the courtyard before he returned to his room with a heavy head and feet, preparing himself for the conversation ahead of him. He felt ashamed, but then again he couldn’t help what had escaped his mouth and what his body had arranged in order to survive the situation. That was no excuse, he was aware of that, but having to articulate why he had acted that way earlier would be humiliating and he didn’t want to deliver every detail to his roommate he barely knew. But then again… It was Hyungwon that barely knew Changkyun. Changkyun knew a lot about Hyungwon, it was Changkyun who stayed guarded and avoided sharing details about his life as often as possible, vague answers ensuing when given the chance. The fear of being judged and losing people always stuck to his being, having never left since early high school. A dark time for him and his mentality. 

He was speculating that maybe he should invite Hyungwon to dinner off campus as an apology, something cheap and close so he wasn’t spending so much of his money. After this, maybe he could open up a little more and reveal himself bit by bit. Hyungwon was kind and he was patient, didn’t push Changkyun if he was showing signs of not wanting to speak so directly to him. And after that fiasco, he promised himself that he could talk to Hyungwon a little more, open up and be his friend. He would probably really enjoy that, both of them. 

Still in shock, his muddled brain couldn’t help jotting and tattooing down the fact that he was pregnant over every nerve of his body and this made him even more nauseous than he was before. He felt intensely nauseous and that had not dissipated since the beginning of this whole mess. He stretched out his hand and gently pushed his bedroom door that was ajar all the way open, not yet automatically locked from earlier. He stepped inside expecting to see Hyungwon sitting on the bed, back straight and worry etched into his features as he patiently waited for Changkyun's return. He had prepared himself for that, pushing his pregnancy dilemma to the back of his mind but what he found upon entry was ten times worse. 

Hyungwon was sitting on his bed on his side of the room like he had expected, but he was holding the pregnancy test in his hand, eyes deeply concerned and a pitiful frown on his lips. They were making eye contact and while they held similar looks at first, Changkyun was now furious with a deep frown and furrowed brows while Hyungwon’s expression had not faltered. Hyungwon had inserted himself in Changkyun's business when he had no right to. 

“Why are you snooping around in my stuff?” Changkyun loudly admonished, closing the door behind him with a deafening slam. The noise was booming and it startled Hyungwon a little, maybe it even startled Changkyun but he had more pressing matters he was focusing on. He didn’t have time to jump and get scared by small noises, “That was in my drawer and my drawer was closed, why did you open it and take it out?!” he pointed with an accusing finger at the test in Hyungwon’s hand, unqualified to call it by name out loud. He had said it once and that was good enough for him, he wasn’t going to say it a second time, not even verbalize a word close to pregnant. He would surely enter another episode if he did and the power of God would strike him down to nothing. He would be left a pile of ash. 

Hyungwon cleared his throat and reached out his arm to settle the plastic test on his bed before abandoning it there, hands folding in his lap as though he had been reprimanded by his mother. Changkyun acted fast and sprung over to take the test, stuffing it in his hoodie pocket and out of view. Hiding away the issue even though it was already out in the open between them. It was a band-aid solution to what he was feeling and getting rid of the evidence was a step towards feeling more confident in confronting his roommate and his actions. 

But when Hyungwon spoke up, his resolve started to crumble, bits and pieces hitting the floor with the lightest sound possible, “You’re pregnant, Changkyun?” he questioned as though he needed clarification and confirmation but of course, it was not necessary. He had seen the test, he had witnessed how Changkyun had reacted, there was no denying that he was with child. 

But Changkyun did not answer. He hung his head, fringe and hood shielding his eyes from view as they started to water again, overwhelmed and shamed over someone else knowing the news. Hearing that he was pregnant from someone else was even worse because now there was one more person involved when it should have just been Changkyun alone. He was doing more damage and needed to limit the knowledge of his pregnancy because he was almost certain it wouldn’t be a problem soon enough. His nosy roommate just couldn’t keep to his own self and had to sift through Changkyun’s disheveled drawer to pluck out the test and read the results. Changkyun focused on one spot of the carpet and wished he could deny everything but that was near impossible. It was far too late, “Why did you pull the test out?” Changkyun asked, enough confirmation delivered through his body language and through his response. Hyungwon had received his answer in many ways and Changkyun was digging his own grave deeper, “You couldn’t have left well enough alone?”

“But it obviously wasn’t well enough to leave alone,” he insisted, face laced with concern as he recalled the events from earlier, “I assume you read the test results and your first instinct was to panic immediately afterward and that in itself caught my attention. Then after you stormed out I had to see what had stressed you out so much so I could somehow find a way to help you out. What I found was a bit... confusing and shocking and I’ve been sitting here for almost an hour trying to figure out how I should help you but this is huge, far beyond my abilities of comprehension,” of course they weren’t actually, but stating that hyperbole was the only thing he could think of at a time like this. He was fully awake now but his mouth was also speaking a mile a minute. He was still pretty confused and was still wracking his brain to find a plausible explanation of how he could help, “How does this even happen, Gyun?” 

Being called by a nickname didn’t sit well with Changkyun, especially while in a situation like the one they were in; the situation Changkyun was in, “You don’t need to know the details,” he shot back, turning and taking a seat on his own bed, face immediately buried in his hands. He could feel the test in his pocket and it amazed him how heavy something so small felt when it entailed his future, “This wasn’t meant to happen at all?” he choked out, furiously rubbing at his eyes when they started to itch, demanding and aching to cry again, “Why did you have to pull that test out? It was perfectly fine in the drawer.” 

“Was it?” Hyungwon braved, shifting to stand up. He shuffled his feet in place, ambivalent on whether he should proceed and comfort Changkyun or continue sitting in his spot, “I think you needed me to take it out so you could have someone to talk to about it,” Changkyun spared a glance at Hyungwon and regarded his frown that was still as poignant as it had been before. Sympathetic, “Otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything to me and you would have wallowed in your own thoughts.”

Chankgyun scoffed, “You don’t know that,” he stuffed his hands in his hoodie pocket, reminded that he still had the test stashed away in there. His fingertips curled around the test and his grip tightened, bad thoughts starting to swirl inside his head again. He nearly bit his tongue when he realized that his statement was more of a grouse than fact, blowing his cover. 

“I do. You don’t tell me much, and through that I know you would have kept this quiet entirely,” Hyungwon wasn’t wrong, proving his statement further with fact, “I asked all about you after pouring my heart out to you and you barely respond with anything that gives me a single indication of who you are. I just want you to trust me and confide in me when you are struggling, I want to do that as your roommate and as your friend."

"How can we be friends if you don't know me?" Changkyun proposed, speaking his thoughts aloud and maybe he hadn't meant to do so, but it had already happened. No returns and no refunds, "Don't you have to know me a little better in order to be my friend?" and this was exactly why he didn't have many friends, but he had realized that a long time ago. Restricting his options assured that he hurt as little people as possible and limit the heartbreak he would experience when a friend eventually discovered how unattractive of a destructive personality he had. He was sure no one would genuinely want to be friends voluntarily with someone like Changkyun. 

Hyungwon sighed in what sounded like defeat and betrayal, as though Changkyun had won. He wasn’t expecting any more words from the older’s mouth. But again, he was proven wrong. 

“I’m not sure why you’re so guarded, why you’re not so fast to open up to people, but I am here for you. Always. You’re my roommate and I’ve cared about you since I first walked through that door with my suitcase and boxes. You were so quick to help me out. You’re a kind person under this cold persona you like to put up,” comedic relief, he was trying to make the situation better, “I’ll be here the whole way whether you like it or not.”

Changkyun’s face twitched to a smile, inner turmoil over whether or not to trust his roommate so easily and finally resolved to let it go and open up; get to know him, “I guess so.”

“Good,” Hyungwon chirped, placing a gentle hand on his new friend’s knee and giving it a light pat before retreating, afraid that even that small gesture was overwhelming for Changkyun, “What are you going to do about the baby?” he asked next, hoping he wasn’t stomping on the boundaries Changkyun seemed to be putting up still. He didn’t want to strain their newfound trust. 

Changkyun sighed, letting himself become vulnerable for now. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the test, wanting to burn holes into the plastic and maybe if he stared hard enough it would happen. It really was mocking him with everything it had, even though it was an inanimate object covered in his urine, “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it,” he cautioned, not wanting to reveal the slight plan he had devised in his head. Nothing was set in stone, he could always mull over what he could do. 

Hyungwon hummed and nodded, “Do you know how far along you are?” he didn’t think his roommate would know exactly, but with Hyungwon’s limited knowledge of Changkyun, he was sure he could pinpoint around the time he could have conceived. The younger didn’t go out much, either at work, in the room, or at the library. 

Changkyun chewed his lip, feeling as though he was delving into dangerous territory, but Hyungwon had assured him that he was in a safe space. He was allowed to open up, “Eight weeks.” 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened, surprised that Changkyun knew and could recall that much, “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Hyungwon spotted an opportunity and who was he to pass up that? “I already know that, it says it right here,” he pointed at the two lines on the test, positive for pregnancy. It was a lame joke, more observational than anything, but he couldn’t help it. It was who he was. 

And he felt extremely satisfied when he noticed the small smile crack Changkyun’s lips, a light chuckle that was barely audible as though he was holding back his laughter. Far too shy to genuinely laugh in front of his new friend, “Right. But yes, eight weeks.”

“I feel as though I should properly congratulate you but I don’t know if I really should,” Hyungwon guessed, still unknowing of what to do. This was complicated and when still unsure of Changkyun’s thought process, he didn’t want to push anything.

Changkyun shrugged defeatedly, “You can if you want.”

“Congratulations then, Changkyun,” Hyungwon carefully wished, habit telling him to hug onto the younger to deliver his genuine reaction, but he felt that now was still not the time. He watched as Changkyun fiddled with the test some more, turning it in his fingers as though searching for a flaw in the device. Sadly, there was none, “You going to class today?” he asked next. If this were him and he had just found out he was pregnant, he didn't think he could go to class. He would need to take a mental health day to figure it all out. 

Changkyun nodded, “I have my two hour digital tools class and I can’t skip that. I literally don’t know what I’m doing in that class, I was never good at using tablets or photoshop, was more for paintbrushes and pencils,” it felt good to say that to someone else, “I already skipped my drawing class and that wasn’t very smart to do.”

“You couldn’t help it,” Hyungwon reminded, “You were going through some stuff.” 

Right, he had been, still was. Changkyun nodded, “You can go back to sleep if you want. I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.”

“I bet,” Hyungwon nodded, getting up and moving back to his bed, immediately curling into his covers, “Take a nap, maybe we can get lunch at the dining hall when we’re more awake.”

“Sure,” Changkyun agreed, already lying on his pillow, already warm enough and not needing a blanket to keep him warm. 

Figuring that was the best response he could get, Hyungwon closed his eyes and willed himself to rest more, “Sleep well.”

“I’ll try,” Changkyun responded genuinely, but he knew he wasn’t going to get a lick of sleep. He still had so much he had to think about that rest wasn’t an option. He was screwed, he knew that, but there were things he could do about it. But what would he end up doing? He still didn’t know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many works in the process what the hell am I doing posting another fic?? Anyways, I hope whoever reads this and enjoys it because I worked my butt off for this. Love and support it <3


	2. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are spilled and lives are ruined

Now that Hyungwon was involved, although he didn’t show it, he was constantly thinking of Changkyun and his well being. A week had passed since they had both found out the younger was pregnant and it was still fresh in their minds, still unknowing of what to do and how to proceed from now on. With strengthening their bond, Hyungwon made sure to talk to Changkyun with a purpose but he also had to make sure he wasn’t overstepping boundaries and wasn’t overwhelming the younger. He would ask every day how he was feeling and would prod only sometimes when Changkyun delivered a vague answer, but not every time. Sometimes ‘good’ was enough and Hyungwon could deal with that. He would reach there eventually and he was just thankful he was receiving any answers at all after what had transpired. Hyungwon was improving at identifying Changkyun's moods and he could perceive when Changkyun really needed to vent his feelings and was instead restraining himself. The younger was skilled at that, having done it for years on his own.

But Hyungwon was discovering that he was inadequate for supporting Changkyun when the younger desperately needed it. Being as heavy of a sleeper as Hyungwon was, he typically slept through Changkyun’s waves of nausea and he had usually woke up from the commotion in time to see a disheveled and pale looking Changkyun dragging himself back to bed, burying himself in the covers for a few more minutes of sleep before waking up to his alarm blaring. He always worked early on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and without fail he threw up before every shift due to morning sickness. There was once in the last week when Hyungwon had woken up to use the bathroom and went in to find Changkyun sitting on the floor looking like he had gone through hell and back; he hadn’t gone to work that day. 

And recently, Changkyun’s morning sickness was regressing and worsening with how frequent and violent the bouts were. In all the insanity of his fits, it was really starting to worry Hyungwon. He fretted for the health of not just his roommate, but the baby as well. He was losing weight which Hyungwon hadn’t thought was possible in such a short time window but it was more or less happening before his eyes. It wasn't like he could afford to lose weight anyway, he was as thin as a twig. The exhaustion was painful to observe and he feared for Changkyun, afraid that he’d wake up one day to his roommate passed out on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit, far too thin to be healthy. That was a terrifying thought and one he didn’t want to discover one morning, but he felt as though he needed a bigger team that could help properly assist Changkyun on one of his harder mornings. 

And so he was confiding in his unit mates Minhyuk and Kihyun who were in the next room over. With their ubiquity in the situation, he could get more aid and more opportunities for Changkyun to feel safe and to feel cared for. He really needed that type of attention especially now, but that was also the issue. Changkyun absolutely abhorred attention and at a time like now, he would only grow more defensive with new eyes surveilling his every move. Hyungwon had to plan this out and make it so that it was discreet and it looked like Minhyuk and Kihyun were performing on their own accord, not obeying directions. This had to appear genuine or it would never work and Changkyun would feel betrayed. All that Hyungwon had worked so hard on already was going to crumble and he was going to have a roommate that would despise him. Changkyun would never speak to him ever again, Hyungwon was sure of that. 

Changkyun was off at work now, no sign of him in the dorm for another hour, but by then he would have another wave of brutal nausea and be down for half an hour in the bathroom before his first class of the day at 10:30. Sadly though, Hyungwon didn’t know that. Hyungwon would be off in class and not in the room to ease Changkyun through his morning sickness when that would happen. That alone sat uneasily with Hyungwon and he wished that someone would be there for him to make sure he didn't pass out at the dirty toilet and make sure he was drinking water afterward so he doesn't get dehydrated, maybe even make sure he ate something to keep him from feeling weak. This was all beneficial for both of them in many ways and it was so crucial that it was still secretive. 

Finally deciding that enough was enough, Hyungwon wandered over to the neighboring room where Minhyuk and Kihyun stayed, knowing that Kihyun would be getting ready for work in twenty minutes and Minhyuk would be home, most likely wasting his time and procrastinating on whatever his next assignment was. He preferred to watch a few episodes of something on Netflix before doing any of his class work and this never failed to give Hyungwon anxiety. 

With heavy and bated breath, clammy hands to pair, Hyungwon reached out and knocked on the door, knuckles rapting to a nervous beat procured by his heart as it led to his fingertips. Hyungwon wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing, but he hoped he wasn’t doing a bad thing. This was all for his roommate, his friend. He needed him to be alright, it was a necessity. If he wasn’t, he couldn’t live with himself if anything were to happen to either Changkyun or the baby. 

It unsurprisingly didn't take long for the door to open and instead of being met face to face with either Kihyun or Minhyuk, he was met with no face and instead could see Kihyun on his side of the room as he buttoned his shirt up, no one there to greet him properly or cordially. It took a few seconds before Hyungwon's eyes traveled further down where Minhyuk's head was positioned halfway through the doorway. A few seconds of confusion was all it took before Hyungwon realized that Minhyuk had reached out and opened the door while still laying in bed on his stomach, laptop perched in front of him and something playing on the screen. It was set to a loud volume and Kihyun was most likely watching with him, loud enough for him to hear as well. Processing that Minhyuk hadn’t bothered himself to get out of bed and answer the door, Hyungwon couldn’t help but note just how lazy his friend was.  

“You couldn’t have gotten up to answer the door? What if it was an RA? What if it was the dean of the school? It could have been anyone and it was still me, but you should have taken the small amount of energy to get on your feet and stand up,” Hyungwon scolded light-heartedly as he entered the room and closed the door behind him with a click. He wasn’t going to risk anyone else hearing what he was going to tell this pair. They lived with four other boys and they weren’t really friends, had spoken in passing, but nothing more. 

“Well, I know that it will never be the dean and the RA’s usually enter the room on their own with their own key card and you? You never hear when we knock because you’re always asleep when we visit so you can’t really expect me to ‘take the small amount of energy to get on my feet and stand up’ when I don’t receive the same amount of respect from you,” Minhyuk shot back, taking a swig from his water bottle with a face that just screamed he was correct, “You always save your energy for the night so you can do the nasty with Hoseok instead of hanging out with your friends.”

“It’s only sometimes,” Hyungwon corrected with a roll of his eyes and a small dent in his pride. Minhyuk could be annoying sometimes, “It’s hard to even do that when he works late and doesn’t have too much energy after working so hard,” it wasn’t too often they had sex because their relationship was based on much more. It had taken a while before they had sex anyway, Hyungwon too afraid of his performance and too afraid of disappointing the older. They had been dating since last summer when Hyungwon met the older at freshman orientation and Hoseok had been one of the orientation counselors that he could ask for help and guide them around campus. Hyungwon had played dumb as an excuse to get closer to him and it had successfully worked. And here they were, a year and a few months later and still going strong, “I’m not that easy either, he has to work for it if you want to keep it interesting,” Hyungwon wiggled his brows, the goal to make Minhyuk uncomfortable even in the slightest. 

But he wasn’t winning this fight as Minhyuk continued to tear him down, “You don’t know how to keep it interesting, you were a virgin before you started dating him and he was the one with experience before you. He’s the one that keeps it interesting, not you. You’re far too vanilla for your own good,” Minhyuk spit back with a friendly bite and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Minhyuk had conquered and Hyungwon had no more room to talk. He had lost his virginity pretty late and there was nothing wrong with that, but he was always self-conscious when he did sleep with Hoseok because what if he wasn’t good enough? How did he compare to the last person Hoseok had slept with? Was Hoseok just tolerating him and was disappointed by the quality? It ate him away at night sometimes because he didn’t have those answers at hand. He had to pray that he was good enough for Hoseok to stick around despite his lack of experience. 

"Why must you bully me?" Hyungwon choked out, attempting to sound like a joke but may have been delivered as actual hurt. 

“Okay you two, peeing contest is over. Be nice,” Kihyun finalized, finished getting dressed and looking sharp. He worked as a student teacher in the elementary school down the street and helped as though he were a certified teacher already. He didn’t need to dress up so formally but that’s just who Kihyun was; wearing a nice shirt and slacks to a third grade class, “Why did you come over so ‘early’?” it was really nine in the morning, not early at all, “Did you want to ask for something?” 

“Something like that,” Hyungwon shrugged as he pushed Minhyuk’s legs to the side so he could sit down on his bed. Minhyuk grumbled but he relocated anyway, moving his laptop to his lap so he could continue to watch his movie. It was something scary, of the horror genre, and his continuing of watching the show was a bit annoying but Hyungwon couldn’t start anything right now; he had something serious to share. He had to carefully plan how he was going to tell these two that Changkyun was pregnant. He didn’t have to tell them he was pregnant though, wasn't supposed to, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to go about this at all with that reminder ringing in his ears. He could tell them he was sick, but that would also be hard to explain when he starts growing a belly and when a baby comes from all of this. Babies don’t come from just being sick, “Have you talked to Changkyun much?” he asked carefully, portraying his question more as him prying to discern if he had many friends other than him if he was a friend at all. It didn’t sound suspicious, it sounded cordial. He was just thinking of his roommate.

“Maybe once or twice. He doesn’t really talk much, comes off as an asshole,” Minhyuk spoke up, aware enough to turn the volume down on his movie so he could still partake in the conversation without having to yell, “Didn’t really seem interested in what I had to say either. Just seems kind of rude.”

Kihyun spoke up with a scoff, “I’m sure you just scare him. I’ve talked to him a few times in passing. He always seems so busy and shy, so it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose. He’s talked to me about his art before and he’s actually amazing. I wish I was as talented as him and when I told him so, he seemed a bit uncomfortable. He’s painfully shy and doesn’t seem to accept compliments very easily,” and indeed that sounded just like Changkyun. Hyungwon had seen many of his pieces too and it was indeed purely made from a God-given talent and he too had noticed how hard it appeared to be for Changkyun to easily accept compliments. Almost as though he was afraid of comments that were less favorable to him, criticism towards what he had spent so much time on and stressed over in order to make it perfect, “I think he’d be really cool to hang out with if he was a little more friendly. He’s really not that bad, just very… guarded.” 

Which was the truth, it all was. Hyungwon wasn’t surprised he had already picked up on that fact, considering Kihyun’s emotional quotient and how proficient he was at reading people. Changkyun was guarded with the intent to isolate and limit exposure to those who could end up hurting him and that was broadened to everyone. Hyungwon knew this and it hurt his heart, wanting life to be a little easier for Changkyun and that’s why he was doing this. It was all for Changkyun, “I really think you two should try with him. He needs a little attention right now and some new friends,” he voiced, reaching over and playing with the bracelet Minhyuk was wearing on the wrist closest to him, “He won’t show it but he would really appreciate it.”

Minhyuk scoffed in amusement because this was really funny to him, “What are you his mom? You’re asking us to be friends with him like he can’t make his own? That’s so weird,” Minhyuk had paused his movie and had closed the lid, now looking over at Hyungwon, “And why do you suddenly care so much. You haven’t talked about him to us much before now. What changed so much that you want us to be friends with him? That would be humiliating if he found that out.” 

Hyungwon frowned deep and annoyed, “For someone who is a hospitality and tourism minor, you yourself are not very friendly nor very hospitable,” he shot back, noting how stubborn his friend was being about this all. He really didn’t need to be so rude at the moment especially when he was really trying to find the confidence to confide in his friends. He really needed this conversation as much as Changkyun did. 

“But I am a business major, so I need to be tough. You can’t get very far if you’re kind to everyone, you need to be a little assertive in the business scene,” Minhyuk explained like it was a well-known fact. 

Hyungwon huffed in progressive annoyance, “I just need you to listen and to consider what I’m about to tell you,” he switched between Minhyuk and Kihyun who were both now paying full attention. Kihyun was sitting on his bed and he was fully focused on the younger, “But I need you to keep it a secret and to keep a low profile about it. Changkyun would be pissed if he found out you two knew.”

“What would he be pissed about if we found out?” Kihyun asked, more interested than he initially was before. He had to leave in two minutes if he didn’t want to be late by the time he arrived at the school, but this seemed more important than leaving early. Hyungwon appeared stressed and whatever was going to leave his mouth seemed just that important. And besides, leaving early meant an hour and a half early. He could afford to not be so early today since there was always an overabundance of volunteers on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On days like these, Kihyun was almost never needed when they were training the newbies. He had been told many times by his supervisor that he could come in later if he wanted but he had never considered taking that offer out of his reserves until today. He was just going to send a quick text to that same supervisor and then pay his full attention to his friend. Hyungwon needed him right now for whatever reason it was. 

Hyungwon sighed wearily, exhaling all the air out of his body as he readied himself for this. His internal monologue was hurting his head, ideas bouncing off his brain and fighting for dominance.  _Should he really reveal that Changkyun is pregnant or that he is sick? What should he go with? What would be easier to explain?_ He started, “Changkyun is dealing with something… major right now and it’s a really delicate and time sensitive situation. I... I wasn’t even supposed to find out what was going on... but I did and now I’m here asking for your guys’ help about something you’re not supposed to know about,” he was starting to panic a little because 'holy shit what was he doing?' This wasn’t making sense anymore and Hyungwon was wondering if it was too late to book it back to his room and hide away under the covers of his bed. He could always ignore his friends until they forgot entirely about what he had been trying to say in the first place. 

“Then why are you telling us?” Minhyuk asked next, engaged and listening. His brows were furrowed, a sense of concern in his eyes. Even though he wasn’t necessarily friends nor acquaintances with Changkyun, the look weaved onto Hyungwon’s features explained enough and he really needed to not joke around and make this light. 

“Good question,” Hyungwon countered, still stalling as he tried to eloquently form this all in a sentence that was cohesive and nothing less than intelligent, “I want to tell you because he really needs the help when I’m not around to help him out myself, and he needs help even when I am here. I was just thinking that it would be better if all of us could help him out together so he has a larger support system by his side,” he paused and watched as Minhyuk and Kihyun both leaned in as though trying to hear him speak a secret under his breath. What he was doing was so incredibly wrong, “Changkyun is… he's pregnant and I don’t think the other father is in the picture. So, therefore, he is alone in this and really needs our help.” 

 _Damn it, why did he say that?!_ He felt his tongue delve into his throat and his heart stop, he had just spilled the biggest secret he knew when he was supposed to stay completely hushed about the whole matter. That was it, he had demolished Changkyun’s trust and he was going to find out eventually, and he would be angry, furious, and maybe not even talk to him ever again. 

“Oh no,” Kihyun cooed, eyes wide and frown of shock evident. He looked so concerned and worried for the youngest of them all, knowing that kids were a lot of work at any age. He worked with children but even then he didn’t start them off at birth, didn’t grow them in his uterus and didn’t change their diapers, teach them how to walk or talk. He was clueless in that field. He did adore kids, but he knew how much exhausting work they were, and it was worse the younger they were, “And he just started school, too. And no father… no money… full schedule… so young,” he trailed off, not sure where to continue from there on as he listed all the things that Changkyun was going to have to deal with. His neighbor was going to be a father and he was just barely an adult. 

“Damn…” Minhyuk murmured under his breath, shifting so he was leaning his back and head against the wall. His hands were fiddling with the drawstrings of his sweatpants that were untied, lying limp in his lap. He was a bit uncomfortable and at a loss for words, too, trying to find anything that was going to distract him from the way his stomach was rolling with the thought, “I mean that sucks for Changkyun and everything but what are we supposed to do about it?” he asked next, eyebrows knitted in an arch as he searched for clarification, facing Hyungwon again. His question sounded harsh but it was far too justified to ask, “Why tell us at all?” 

Hyungwon would need to go further in depth, but now that it was out, he might as well spill the other small details. But first, he had to reprimand the older, “Food for thought, be kind when you’re around him or he will cry. He’s been a little emotional and I think it’s just going to get worse so if you ever make him cry I will rip your hair out,” he tugged lightly on Minhyuk’s blonde hair as an example and the older lightly winced. Once his message was received and Minhyuk had learned his lesson with a few whines leaving his lips, Hyungwon let go and was satisfied to witness the older’s wince and his hand reach up to cradle the area where the hair was tugged on. It was quiet for a second, not sure where or how to continue. 

“Is he getting sick in the mornings?” Kihyun asked, voice full of concern and care despite where his eyes were concentrated. He was on his phone, scanning the screen, eyes darting, but Hyungwon didn’t know what he was looking at. What was more important than what they were talking about right now? 

Hyungwon sighed and nodded, “Changkyun’s been having hella morning sickness and it’s scarily intense. He throws up so often and most of the time I sleep through it and wake up to see him coming back to bed looking like death and because of that, I want you two to watch him with me. Doesn’t mean that it’s your responsibility, but if you are already awake and out in the kitchen or sitting room and he runs out of the room into the bathroom, just make sure he’s alright. Make sure he’s drinking water afterward, make sure he doesn’t pass out in the bathroom, make sure he at least eats something before going back to bed. He’s got his own food and everything, just encourage him to take care of himself," he switched sight between Kihyun and Minhyuk, “Think you can do that? Be his friend too? He’s pretty shy but he’s trying to be better at communicating,” he really was, he was trying his best and that was all he could ask for. He was extremely proud of Changkyun's efforts so far. 

“Of course, we can,” Kihyun assured with a chirp and a cheerful smile despite the situation, finally looking up from his phone with intent. He started wiggling his butt on his bed and looked more enthused than he was earlier, “I’ve found some morning sickness remedies that I can give him when I find him sick,” he took a second to think over what he could do in his head without making it appear like he knew what was happening fully when with Changkyun, “I won’t specify that it’s for ‘morning sickness’ and I’ll try to be discreet, saying that I had made some for myself and had some extra. Stuff like that and maybe make sure he eats crackers so he’s doesn’t have an empty stomach. I promise I’ll watch out for him in any way I can. This isn't something he should be experiencing alone.” 

“I’d really appreciate it and he would too even if he doesn’t know why you’re doing it for him,” Hyungwon assured with a smile, “Don’t be on his tail all the time either because that’s suspicious and he tends to get defensive if he's paranoid,” he turned to glance at Minhyuk to try and decipher what his other friend was feeling but what he found was unreadable. He could not gauge what the older was feeling and that was a bit discouraging. 

Minhyuk had been reserved for most of this and Hyungwon was growing curious, afraid of his response to his plan.  _What was he thinking?_ “Minhyuk? Is there something you’d like to contribute?” Hyungwon pried, afraid of what he might hear from the older, “Thoughts, comments, concerns?” 

Minhyuk stayed quiet for a few seconds, wheels turning in his head and seeming internally conflicted. He spoke with ease but the tone was still unsettling for Hyungwon, “Why are we helping him out if he hasn’t told us himself? Why go through all the trouble now and through your mouth? And after how cold he's been to not just us but you? Why?” he asked, which was a very good question indeed, “I’m just trying to understand here, don’t go and call me a jerk for something I’m trying to get a little more info on. Just persuade me with more fact.”

That was fair, but Hyungwon felt defensive like he should protect his friend while he wasn’t even present, “Look, I don’t know a lot about him, that's true, but I know he needs the help. Imagine if it was you going through this alone and just starting out on your own. No one deserves that, absolutely no one. And not only is the other father not in the picture, but he doesn’t have very many friends. I’m almost certain he has his family and friends back where he’s from and then me, not many people here for him and that’s not fair,” he felt his chest tighten and his throat dry up, was he getting emotional about this? “The least we could do is be by his side while he grows a freaking human and make it as easy as possible for him.” 

Considering his stance, Minhyuk nodded with pursed lips and hummed, crossing his arms over his chest in a way that wasn't hostile, “You’re right. But until we’re really friends I probably won’t step up much, that would be too suspicious and maybe even odd. He's a smart kid, he'd probably chew me out.” 

Hyungwon agreed, picturing Changkyun's reaction to someone he barely spoke to suddenly caring for him and asking him if he needs tea to feel better, “He’ll tell you eventually, when he gets to know you better, but until then, act like you know nothing. Deal?” Hyungwon pointed, holding his hand out as though sealing a business deal, "You're the business major, does that sound good enough to you?" 

Minhyuk stared for a second before smirking and reaching out to accept the handshake, formally shaking it as though he had finished his first real deal, "Sounds good."

"Guys, I need to go get groceries. Today! Maybe I have time before I absolutely have to go to work," Kihyun interjected as he looked down at his watch to check the time, jumping up to grab his wallet and a reusable bag. The campus had a strict 'no plastic' policy to try and save the earth a little and Kihyun was all for it, "I have time and I'll be away for a little bit because I know exactly what I need to get," he started towards the door but before he could leave, Minhyuk asked where he was going, "I have to get lemons and ginger for tea I can make for Changkyunnie, and plenty of gum and mints for when he starts to feel nauseous."

"How are you going to hide that one?!" Hyungwon asked loudly, afraid that gum and mints were a little too suspicious. It was specific and Changkyun could maybe work that one out. 

But Kihyun waved the younger off, "I got this! I'm no dummy! Just don't worry about it, I'm off. Don't forget to go to class at 11, Minhyukkie," Kihyun pointed with a warning. He was using his teacher's voice and it was so obvious why he had chosen his profession of elementary education, "Goodbye! Remember! Be discreet!" he spoke as though it had been his idea and with that last warning, he was gone. 

 _Did I make a mistake?_ Hyungwon asked himself as he sat in the room with Minhyuk. He turned his head to see that Minhyuk was returning back to his movie, volume at its original height again, "Wanna watch with me?" Minhyuk asked, acting as though nothing had happened. 

"Sure," Hyungwon nodded, making himself more comfortable so he could see the screen. They fell into a comfortable silence as they watched the movie, not sure what to talk about, but very sure what to think about. There was a lot to think about and for once Hyungwon really wanted to procrastinate and he was following in Minhyuk's footsteps. He needed to relax and worry when he needed to properly worry. He was fine for now. 

It was two days later when Kihyun had worked his magic. He had left his room to start his own tea for the day since he didn't count on coffee to distribute caffeine to his body and to his luck, he witnessed Changkyun bolt from his room and into the bathroom to throw up. Retches echoing in the tile bathroom and into the apartment style unit sitting room and kitchen. Seeing this as his opportunity, Kihyun cut up lemons and ginger and threw them in the boiling kettle of water with the speed of light before waiting until Changkyun's retching had stopped. Kihyun wasn't a fan of vomit, no one was, but he could tolerate it more than some. It wasn't until Changkyun flushed the toilet that he started to walk over to check on the younger, hoping he didn't seem too eager to help him out. Like he knew what was going on. 

Their bathroom was set up so that there were two toilets and two showers, an open door that led to two stalls and two separate showers. So Kihyun could walk in and still gain access to the other components of the bathroom. Kihyun rounded the corner and peered in to see Changkyun kneeling on the ground as he kept his hands on his thighs, too afraid to grab the toilet seat that hadn't been cleaned in six days. Their clean checks were tomorrow. He was just sitting there as though he was waiting for the next bout to show up and that was discouraging, "Are you okay, Changkyun?" Kihyun cautiously asked, wanting to reach down to place a gentle hand on the younger's back and rub away the discomfort, but he didn't want to overwhelm him in any way. They weren't exactly friends... yet. 

Changkyun visibly stiffened when the new voice filtered by and quickly turned his head to see who it was. With how fast he had turned, Kihyun was afraid he had given himself whiplash, "I'm-I'm okay. Must have been something I ate," he reasoned, grabbing some toilet paper to wipe his mouth. Both knew that wasn't true, but Kihyun was humoring Changkyun. Kihyun was then surprised to hear Changkyun speak with panic in his voice, "Sorry I ruined your morning. It probably wasn't very pleasing to hear someone throwing up while having some morning tea. I'm sorry," he apologized again as though it hadn't been registered the first time. He about said it a third time but he saw the smile that Kihyun wore. 

Kihyun’s smile was friendly and sympathetic as he looked down at Changkyun in a way that wasn't condescending and was instead due to height, "It's okay, I wasn't bothered at all. I was more worried about you," he assured, holding his hand out for Changkyun to take. He wasn't expecting much but it was rewarding to have Changkyun grab his hand after a few seconds and allow him to lift him from the ground. Changkyun was surprised by how small Kihyun’s hands were "Are you feeling any better?" 

"Kind of," Changkyun informed after a few seconds as though he were deciding if he was any better or not. Morning sickness was unpredictable and Kihyunw as going to leave it at that, “Still not the best,” he moved his hand to rest on his stomach but stopped at the last second to go back to his thigh, as though afraid to touch his own stomach, "I hope I got it all out at least.” 

"I hope so, too," Kihyun wished, seeing this as his opportunity, "You know, I made way too much tea and you can have some if you'd like. It would probably help your stomach out,” Kihyun offered in the smoothest way possible, “It’s warm and will keep your stomach from being empty without having something too heavy in it. It's probably good for nausea, too. My mother always made some for me when I was sick.” 

Changkyun looked up with raised eyebrows. They weren't skeptical, they were stunned, “I don’t want to take your tea away from you. What if you want more but you can't because I drank the rest?”

“Nonsense, I made too much without thinking. I usually make some for Minhyuk too but he’s back to coffee now, says tea doesn’t taste as good as coffee does. It's all the sugar that he puts in his coffee that he likes more. My tea will just go to waste if you don’t help me drink it,” all lies, but they were little white lies. He had to sell this if he wanted it to launch without a hitch, “Come on, I’ll pour you a cup,” Kihyun reached out to pat Changkyun’s shoulder and maybe guide him to the kitchen, but he noticed how the younger flinched away from his hand and that was when Kihyun gave up, instead letting Changkyun follow on his own accord. It was too early for physical contact, and he had just thrown up. Being touched probably seemed appalling at the moment. 

Considering the offer, Changkyun wanted to deny it and say he was fine now and didn't need the tea, but that would be a lie. Tea sounded really good right now and it would help his nausea go away, just like Kihyun said, “Okay. That would be really nice actually,” he finally spoke under his breath with a shy smile, "Go ahead though, I have to brush my teeth and wash my hands," Kihyun had nodded and left, leaving Changkyun to himself. His mouth tasted horrible and while brushing his teeth made him want to gag, he had to do it. He was having tea with Kihyun. 

Kihyun continued to the stove where his kettle was boiling, ready to serve. He poured them both cups and by the time Changkyun was finished with brushing his teeth, he would have a warm cup waiting for him. When the younger did finish, he stepped out to see that Kihyun had set his cup on the kitchen table and had even placed a few crackers on a small plate for him, ready to eat, “Crackers?” he asked as he sat down at the table next to Kihyun, tentatively grabbing onto the mug. He cupped the warm ceramic and could feel the blood rushing back to his palms, making him feel alive again. 

“Something easy to get down when you’re sick,” he reasoned with a shrug, taking a sip of his own tea. It was lemony with a hint of ginger and it was delightful. His knowledge of its benefits were handy as well, knowing that it would really aid in Changkyun’s nausea, “Don’t try to force it though, we don’t need you feeling sicker. None of us do,” he reminded, smiling up at one of their neighbors left their room and headed to the bathroom without a word, a sleepy smile directed towards Kihyun before disappearing. 

“Hopefully, it goes away soon,” Changkyun spoke under his breath as he took a deliberately careful sip. Kihyun knew what he said was a cover-up so he didn’t have to share that he was actually pregnant and was experiencing morning sickness instead of your basic, run of the mill nausea. Kihyun was all knowing and the irony was almost funny.

The two sat in comfortable silence and Kihyun sneakily observed as Changkyun ate all the crackers on the plate after every sip of tea he took. He felt almost proud in an odd way, seeing the younger take care of himself. He had helped him discern that self-care was important, "Something else my mom taught me as a kid and made me stick to until this very day was to chew on gum or mints when I felt sick. Always helped my stomach out, and left me with nice smelling breath," he giggled at the end, finishing off his mug of tea. He peered over at Changkyun's cup and deflated when he found it half empty still, "Finish that for me, okay?" 

Changkyun frowned, bottom lip stuck out in thought, "Gum? That really helps?"

"It really does, saved my rear end in high school. I was pretty anxious for those four years of my life and I always had gum on me for when it all went straight to my stomach. Just about everyone tried to stick their hands in my stash to take some so I had to fight them off," he joked with a small and airy laugh. It was delicate and careful, not wanting to startle Changkyun with how loud his laugh really was. 

"Me, too," he added past a mouthful of mug, barely audible or decipherable. High school had been especially horrible for him, but he didn't want to think about it right now. He had his drawing class in half an hour. The recollection of the anxiety he dealt with on a daily basis back then was making his heart race now and pondering on it now would do him no good. He really should be getting ready for class soon, within the next few seconds. Finishing off his tea, he set the mug down next to his cleared plate, "Thank you for the tea, but I really have to start getting ready for class," he moved to stand up, but Kihyun was quick to stop him for one more thing. 

"Wait! Do you want to try the gum idea?" 

Changkyun nodded, "I would, but I'd have to go buy some at the concessions store. I don't have any on hand."

"Well, you can have one of mine," Kihyun insisted, rising from his chair and moving to put his and Changkyun's mugs in the sink, rinsing them off with water before going back into you his room, "What's your favorite flavor?" 

"Oh..." Changkyun trailed off, "Cinnamon I guess."

And just like that, it was as though it had materialized in Kihyun's hand, but there was a pack of cinnamon gum and it was all for him, "Are you sure?" Changkyun asked as he grabbed for the pack, mouth watering for some cinnamon gum. It was his favorite. 

"Of course! I have a whole stash for the whole semester and honestly, I went a little overboard when I bought them all. That one is all yours," Kihyun smiled kindly, speaking softly. Minhyuk was still asleep and he didn't want to wake him from his slumber. Minhyuk was a pain when he was woken up before he was ready, "Keep it and make sure to use it if you feel sick for the rest of the day and any other day after this. I just hope you won't be sick much more after this, alright?" he knew there would be more days, but he still had to sell this all. 

Changkyun smiled carefully, "Thank you so much. I really do have to start getting ready for class though, but I'll see you around, okay?" he asked knowing that answer. He was starting to like Kihyun more and he wouldn't mind getting to know him further. Hyungwon's advice of making more friends was ringing in his head like his theme song. 

"Yeah! Don't let me hold you back! Class is important," his smile was so kind and inviting, eyes curved into charming little crescents. He had very delicate features and he couldn't help but be jealous of how pretty Kihyun was. 

"Thank you so much again, I really appreciate it," Changkyun reassured, lifting a hand to awkwardly wave goodbye, embarrassed by his own actions, but it was retaliated by Kihyun, making it much better in comparison. And like that, Changkyun left for his room with a warmer heart and a brighter mood. He was one step closer to really being friends with Kihyun even after a few months of living together. He was getting the hang of making new friends by now. 

\-------

Minhyuk was starving and he was growing tired of waiting around for Jooheon to show up. They both finished with their class at the same time and Jooheon’s class was closer to the dining hall than Minhuyk’s, yet the older was taking forever to get here. Minhyuk’s class was a five-minute walk away and he had still been sitting here for five minutes, saving his friend a seat so they had space to eat together. The tables filled up quickly around this hour and if Minhyuk didn’t save their spot now, they were going to have to eat outside where birds would try and attack them for a crumb of their servings. It had happened before and it was not something they wanted to perish through again. 

Minhyuk also despised waiting for his food. If Kihyun didn’t have class now he was sure his roommate would be happy to make him lunch, but sadly that wasn’t the case. He had just finished work and was now at the education building learning about child psychology and what not. He was too busy learning how to be a teacher to cook lunch for his starving roommate. Kihyun was the best cook and made food that reminded Minhyuk of home, how his mother would cook for him. She sometimes sent him kimchi in the mail and while it always got a little warm even through priority mail, it was still so good and fresh. He’d ran out two days ago and he had missed having kimchi with his rice in the mornings. Kihyun’s cooking was the best he could ever have and he loved the man for taking such good care of him even when he didn’t have to. He enjoyed doing so though, he had told Minhyuk so many times. 

Minhyuk was about to pull his phone out of his pocket to go ahead and call Jooheon but before he could hit the call button, Jooheon was right in front of him as though by magic, “You couldn’t have waited a few minutes?” he teased as he set his backpack and belongings in his chair. Was he a mind reader now? “I wasn’t gone that long.” 

“Ten minutes, Lee Jooheon! You made me wait for ten minutes and now I’m wasting away to nothing!” his hands rested on his stomach and while he knew it was impossible, his abdomen felt as though it was concave, too empty to stay flat. He hadn’t eaten in about three hours, “I’m going to die if I don’t get some food in me!”

“Don’t be so dramatic, you’re not going to die. And I’m here now aren’t I?” he asked with arms spread wide as though announcing his presence further, taking a few steps back and towards the lines of people waiting to grab their meals, “Let’s go get some food.”

“Finally!” Minhyuk exclaimed as he bolted his way out of his chair and headed towards where all the food was. It was buffet style and they could get whatever they wanted since they already paid as they entered the facility. While the food wasn’t the best, it was good enough and with how hungry Minhyuk was, quality was not something he was worried about. 

Both men had impressive appetites and both could eat an impressive amount of food, packing it away to their heart’s content like it was their job. Both Jooheon and Minhyuk grabbed several plates of several different dishes the dining hall provided and made their way back to their table together. Minhyuk hadn’t even grabbed a drink to go with his meal and instead started to scarf down the bowl of noodles he had chosen. 

The two ate together in silence at first, too busy making sure they had enough in their stomachs before considering talking and listening to what the other had to say. That was the least of their worries when their stomachs were begging for the noodles and beef both had picked up, and the burgers and fries they grabbed as well. It all needed to be consumed before speaking. 

While Minhyuk had not finished his food, he also enjoyed talking and hearing about one of his best friend’s day would be nice to hear even if he wasn't finished with his burger, “How are you Jooheon? Why were you so late?” another bite of burger made its way into his mouth with a hum of contentment. He was levelheaded enough now not to blow up on him being so late, although he was still annoyed. 

Jooheon hummed and swallowed his mouthful of fries before answering anything, “There’s this girl in my psychology class and today we were paired up for a small reading section so we could present it, and man you should see her. I was practically drooling, but we didn’t get to talk much, so I waited until after class to properly speak to her, ask for her number, and get your boy a date on Friday night,” he reclined in his chair, arms folded behind his head, “You should see her tits, they’re wonderful.”

“Jooheon,” Minhyuk groused with a pointed look, “Honestly, can you not act like a stereotypical douchebag? That’s so rude to say something like that about anyone,” he reprimanded, not liking the way Jooheon had degraded this girl, “Do you even know her name? Or were you too distracted by her body that is too oversexualized by every little detail by men to ask?” 

Jooheon chuckled sheepishly, straightening out his stance and turning his shoulders in, embarrassed at himself, “I know, I was just kidding, but they are very nice,” he paused, ashamed of himself because he had thought it had been funny. It wasn’t, “Her name is Park Jihyo and she is actually really kind and smart, and really funny. She kept cracking jokes every few minutes. She’s studying child psychology and honestly, she’s like everything I could want in a girl. Physical appearance isn’t important, but damn, that’s also a huge plus. Dating her is the plan,” he smiled to himself, taking a sip of his soda. It was sweet. 

Minhyuk frowned a little, brows knit in confusion, “What happened to that guy you were seeing? Didn’t work out?” 

“Oh, Jinseok. No, he was too busy all the time. Never had the chance to do anything except text or call each other. Just didn’t work out, yeah,” he shrugged, recalling how the few weeks he had spent talking to this boy had really been enjoyable, but he wishes there had been a little more substance to keep it interesting. He would like to think things would have gone farther if they had met at the right time, “It was time to move on, life is too short to waste time on someone who isn’t making the effort.”

“Ain’t nobody got time for that,” Minhyuk mused with a tad sliver of humor, stacking his empty plate under a different one. He just had his dessert left, “I just hope you’re happy with whatever you do. That’s the most important part.”

“Thank you,” Jooheon chirped with a smile, happy that his friend was supportive and above all listening to what he wanted to do. It was hard to find that sometimes and he was more than overjoyed that Minhyuk was that person for him. He changed course, “How are you? I feel like I haven’t really heard much from you recently. Have you been busy? Or ignoring me? Or both?” Jooheon joked, knowing that Minhyuk could never ignore him, no matter how hard he tried. Jooheon was too much fun to ignore, and they were best friends so it was difficult anyway to go a long time without each other. They leveled each other in a way that no one else seemed to handle. They were each other's balance. 

Minhyuk nodded, “I’ve been pretty busy, too busy because all these classes I’m taking are pretty rough. I should have stopped at twelve credits, but nope, I just needed to take sixteen I told myself,” he shook his head, forehead landing in his palm in frustration at himself, “I really overestimated what I could handle in one semester and my academic advisor even warned me. Kept asking me if I was sure and if I thought that was the right thing for me over and over and I honestly thought she was deaf because I kept telling her sure I was. I should have listened.”

Jooheon laughed loudly, startling the girls that sat at the table next to them. He gave them an apologetic shrug and turned back to Minhyuk, “You really should have, that's a crazy amount. Are you doing well though? You’re not going to fail, are you? Your mom would be pissed.” 

“No, I got this, just a bit overwhelmed sometimes,” Minhyuk was terrible at time management and putting his priorities first but he was actually very good at school and he always had impressive grades to match. He truly enjoyed learning, it just took some time to get him motivated, “There’s been a lot to think about lately, too.”

“Other than school work?” Jooheon asked as he sat back, done with his meal and full attention on his best friend, “Are you trying to date and it's distracting you?" he asked, a possible answer but with a childish smile he asked, "A new Netflix show?" 

Minhyuk laughed and rolled his eyes in mock amusement, “No, I’m not really interested, and besides, I’m too preoccupied with Kihyun right now. He’s basically my boyfriend without the commitment or any of the couple things you do,” he joked. He and Kihyun were close and the days younger man was one of his best friends, it helped that they live together and they mostly did everything together whenever they could, “And I'm still in the midst of one show, I can't start another. There’s this secret floating around in my unit though. A little bit of drama and I’m living for it,” he stated, "Not many know it, even I'm not supposed to know it. But I do and it's kind of agonizing to keep such a huge secret." 

Jooheon cooed in interest, seemingly more engaged than he was before. While he knew that prying the younger for more information was the wrong thing to do, he was only human and he enjoyed a bit of gossip just like everyone else did, "Tell me! What is it?" he was excited, feet kicking like a toddler's and bouncing in his seat. He hadn't been involved with much gossip recently since college was a lot different from high school. The last time he properly heard any piece of gossip was his senior year, the day of his graduation. In college, there was a new sense of maturity and there was a lack of interest in everyone, rather keeping to those who they were close to. Getting this opportunity now, Jooheon was all for it. 

Minhyuk's face turned lopsided in an odd display of internal conflict. Like he was beating himself up; he shouldn't have said anything, "I don't know. I was told not to tell anyone anything and I was told to maybe help that person, I shouldn't really be walking around and sharing their business." 

But Jooheon wasn't giving up that easily, "Ah come on, if whoever told you can say something about it, won't you tell me? I won't tell anyone, my only close friends are you, Kihyun, Hyungwon, and Hoseok. I'm sure Kihyun and Hyungwon know and maybe Hoseok, too. Why leave me out of it?"

Jooheon had a point, he wouldn't tell anyone and one more person couldn't hurt anything. Jooheon wouldn't know Changkyun at all because Changkyun was quiet and was never willing to open up to anyone. There was no way. And just like Jooheon, Minhyuk was a sucker for some juicy gossip, sharing and receiving, "Okay, so get this. One of my unit mates, he's a freshman, is pregnant," it had left his lips and he felt a weight lift off his chest, "He's pregnant and he's only eighteen." 

Jooheon's eyes widened in shock and his jaw dropped as he processed the information. In all honesty, Jooheon thought that accidental pregnancies happened when you were in high school. Young, dumb, and uneducated in contraception. He doesn't really think of unplanned pregnancies when you're an adult. It was mind-boggling, "No shit, really?!" he interjected under his breath because that was one juicy secret and he didn't want other people's attention brought to it, "That's... wild. He just started school?"

Minhyuk nodded, "Yep, this semester. It was an accident, of course. And no one knows who the father is, I don't even think Hyungwon knows. The guy who's pregnant hasn't really said anything, he doesn't even know that I know," he felt free but mostly felt guilty for sharing a secret that wasn't his. He could feel how the noddles in his stomach were starting to stir, making him feel sick. He shouldn't have done that. 

"Man, I feel for the guy. That's really rough, I hope he'll be okay," he... that's all Jooheon was going to call him? That sounded so incorrect and like an insult, yet knowing the name would cause more problems for both him and the other guy. Jooheon told himself not to say anything, but he ended up prying for more, "What's his name?"

Minhyuk frowned that time with a purpose, shaking his head no, "I can't tell you that. That's a little too far because then you'll know who is pregnant and if you know him then I'll get in trouble and you will too if you say anything to him. It's a no go."

"Oh please, Minhyuk!" Jooheon begged. He knew he was nosing around in other people's business but he couldn't help himself. He really wanted to know who this person was because he didn't want part of the story, he wanted the whole story. He wanted to know as much as Minhyuk knew, that was only fair and he claimed as much, "It's only fair that I know the full story, isn't it? I'm just going to keep bothering you about it until I'm told." 

Minhyuk would call his bluff but he knew that the older would do just that. Bother him until he finally told him the exact name and Minhyuk didn't have the patience enough to deal with the same inquiries heard over and over again. Would sharing his name hurt? His stomach was already hurting and his conscience was already beating him up, but Minhyuk couldn't help what came out of his name next, "ImChangkyun. Do you know him by any chance?" he asked next hoping that the answer was no because he revealed a very personal detail about Changkyun's life and that was no good deed. He would be severely punished for that. 

Now it was Jooheon's stomach that was churning and his throat that was burning. He knew that name... he slept with that guy at a party not too long ago. That same name had been ringing in his head for those few months after their night together and it had never gone away because Jooheon had never seen him after that night. Jooheon never got to know him more because he hadn't even seen him the night after when he woke up in an empty bed. No Changkyun in sight. It had been months and the next time he happened to hear that name, he found out he was pregnant. They or may not have used a condom, Jooheon hadn't woken up with one still on him and he doesn't remember taking it off, "No," Jooheon lied, protecting himself for the moment as he leaned back in his chair again, digging his spine a bit too hard into the hard wood of the back, "He's your unit mate?" 

Minhyuk nodded, "Yes, he's roommates with Hyungwon. Hyungwon was actually the one that told Kihyun and I. He told us so we could help Changkyun out when he isn't feeling good or something like that. Isn't Hyungwon so sweet?" Minhyuk had moved on and was now focusing on the remainder of his dessert, frown returning as his mind wandered, "Changkyun isn't doing so great at this point in his pregnancy actually. We're all contributing to his care since he doesn't have very many friends so close by. Even thinking of it, I don't think he had many friends to begin with. He's super quiet and doesn't say anything to anyone, doesn't open up, it's a miracle Hyungwon found out at all. And GET THIS! Changkyun doesn't even know that we know! Hyungwon is the only one who knows because he found out on his own. Changkyun thinks that Hyungwon is the only one, and that makes me feel worse since I told you," he frowned, conscience fogging his thoughts and making him feel guilty some more. He looked up at Jooheon with pitiful eyes, “He wants to keep this as quiet as possible, so please don't tell anyone about this. I'll be murdered if Hyungwon found out I told you.”

Jooheon couldn't even speak now due to the state of paralysis he was in, anxiety debilitating him stiff as he deduced the situation. He couldn't imagine telling someone else that Changkyun was pregnant, and based off of what Minhyuk said, Changkyun couldn't imagine telling someone else either. 

If Changkyun was pregnant... could he be the father? 

Jooheon himself had had sex with at least three other people since that party and who was he to say that Changkyun hadn't done the same? Who was he to say that he hadn't gone to other parties and done the same thing there? But then again, Jooheon would have seen him in at least one other party because Jooheon went to every party there was. Changkyun wasn't the type of person to hang out in a party centered friend group and his face was not one that he sees often. And his name never comes up in conversation. There was never once where someone came up to him and asked: "Where is Changkyun?" He never heard that and with that fact, Changkyun was never at any other party. Jooheon knew that. 

Recalling Changkyun's actions at the party, he had been hard to get to and had been very difficult to talk to until he had a decent amount of alcohol in his system. Liquid courage had opened him up enough to get into bed with Jooheon willingly. Imagining him doing that several times with several other people and hearing from Minhyuk that he was difficult to talk to... Jooheon doubted the chances of him not being the father were slim. 

"I won't tell anyone," Jooheon nodded, feeling sick to his stomach.  _How could he?_ That would mean possibly revealing that he was the father. There were so many what-ifs, but Jooheon had a gut feeling that he was going to be a father, "Promise."

Minhyuk smiled and gave a small nod, "Thank you. It will help Changkyun out a lot if not many people know. I assume he'll tell people when he's ready but for right now four people know now. He's not very far along I don't think, probably the first month or whatever. He'll have to start telling people when he has a tumor-like growth sticking out in front of him. Really, it's like there isn't a baby right now. All he has to show for it is the morning sickness and pregnancy test that I still haven't seen. I just know that it exists." 

So he was two months along, the same time the party happened. That was more confirmation that he was the father and that was terrifying. There was still the chance that Jooheon wasn't the father and maybe he had slept with someone else that night, but that would have been after they slept together. Jooheon had kept his eye on Changkyun all night and he had not interacted with any other man or woman that was there. Jooheon had known his every whereabout and position, "It sounds like a dilemma," he offered, not knowing what to continue with. 

"It is," Minhyuk agreed with a nod and a forkful of cake into his mouth, "Poor son of a gun doesn't know what's coming to him.

"Right," Jooheon quipped as he wrung his fingers together in a nervous tendency, "It does." 

Leaving lunch, Jooheon now alone, he was still in a daze. Jooheon was done with classes for the day and he was thankful because if he had not been done with classes for the day, he would skip them anyway so he could think some more about what he had just been told. But why was Jooheon worrying? He probably wasn't the father. But just like everything else, he doubted that idea. He didn't know what was the truth and what was a lie, fact versus fiction. Jooheon had only heard it from Minhyuk's mouth, not Changkyun. Minhyuk hadn't been told by Changkyun either. 

Jooheon didn't know Changkyun all that well, but his mind was screaming to find out who he was so he could find out as much as he could. He very well couldn't go around and asking everyone he knew if they knew a single thing about Changkyun because that was a dead give away. He couldn't ask Hyungwon what he knew, the trails would directly lead to him. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that he was a possible candidate for the father of Changkyun's baby. He was screwed front, back, and sideways and he knew it, anyone could see that if he were to confide in someone. 

"I have to talk to him," Jooheon had finalized as he laid his in bed, staring up at the ceiling with a look of forlorn confusion. It seemed so simple but nothing about this was simple. Knowing the small amount he does about Changkyun, he knew it was going to be difficult to get to him and asking to meet up out of the blue would be suspicious, and even then, Changkyun might not even accept that invitation. Most likely ignore it and continue with life as though Jooheon had never made an attempt to breach the barrier he had already built between them. Changkyun would be happy to never talk to Jooheon ever again and that was not what he needed. Jooheon needed to make triumphant conversation in order to clear the air between the two of them. 

Luckily, Jooheon was friends with three of the men who lived in the same dorm as Changkyun. He could ask any of them if he could stop by and hang out and it wouldn't seem odd. Typically, they hung out outside of their rooms, but Jooheon could pull the excuse that he wanted to do homework and missed his friends. It would be too easy and through this, he had direct access to Changkyun without his knowing. It was genius, but also an aggressive measure. Jooheon was risking a lot with this, but he really lacked a reason to care. This was something that had to be done. He was going to make a call as soon as Kihyun was done with class and he was going to make plans to stay in their room for the night. It would go without a hitch and Jooheon would prevail for at least the first part of his plan. But for now, he had to think of what to say because what exactly was he going to say to Changkyun when he saw him? 'Hey, I heard you were pregnant? It's mine, right? I guess we messed up, sorry about that.' That was awful and intellectually, Jooheon was drawing blanks, but luckily, he had plenty of time to rehearse what he was going to say before that time. 

He really had to wrack his brain for this, had to really think. He didn't want to demolish any scrap of respect from the younger and didn't want to ruin any chance at a compromise. If he was pregnant with his baby, they had some serious talking to do, there was no denying that. Jooheon was petrified for that part and would rather ignore it entirely, but he wasn't going to commit to that. He couldn't live with himself knowing that he possibly had a son or daughter out there. 

He and Changkyun were talking about it. Tonight. 

\-------

Changkyun was exhausted. He had been scheduled at work for four hours today, but to his luck, he was called right after class ended in hopes that he could cover a shift. Someone had called in sick and the grill was short-handed today so he spent a total of six hours in front of a hot grill and making hangry customers their food. Even though he had only been on the school diner's team for close to two months, he was already so good at his job. His manager relied on him too much of the time and that meant that Changkyun was always the first employee he called when they needed more members in the kitchens. And their campus didn't have any restrictions on work hours per week, so Changkyun was working at least a good thirty hours a week. 

Changkyun worked at a little restaurant that was separate from the dining hall on campus. Many of the students preferred his area of work due to the higher quality of food. It was a popular attraction with good reviews and that was great for the manager, but not so much the employees when they were understaffed. Changkyun thought it was alright and it wasn't something he couldn't handle, but with this newfound pregnancy, the fatigue that attacked him hourly was impressive and it left him wanting to nap at every second. Luckily he had not been given the closing shift and was done at nine o'clock sharp, clocking out as soon as the hand hit that magic number. Working was getting really tiring for him, a lot of effort being put into, making customers happy when he really needed to take the time to take care of himself. But he couldn't afford that, so he went to work and waited until night to sleep. Now outside his unit, Changkyun was going to step through the sitting area to his room and he was going to take a shower and then crash onto his bed. He miraculously didn't have any homework tonight so he was going to sleep as much as he could before he was going to wake up early to throw up. 

This pregnancy wasn't worth, and he was still deciding on what to do with this whole situation, but he was hoping he could think some more tomorrow. Today was not the day. 

Stepping through the door of his unit, he had been excited and even had a small smile on his lips since he could spot the inside of his room straight across from the unit entrance. He could spot Hyungwon standing in the doorway of the room next to theirs, Kihyun and Minhyuk's room, talking to the two inside animatedly. With the glance he took to designate where Hyungwon was, he spotted one more person sitting on the couch in the sitting room. In his attempt to be friendlier with everyone he lived with, Changkyun turned to wave and greet the unknown person with a small hello, but who he saw when he turned made him stop in his tracks

Who he saw was not one of his four other unit mates, not Woohyun or Kibum, nor Yunho or Hongjoong, but instead he was met with the sight of Lee Jooheon. 

The father of his child. He's not supposed to be here. 

It was undeniably Jooheon, the same side profile and the same definitions of his face, and the same puffy cheeks that didn't quite fit the threatening glare he had when he wasn't smiling. His hair was bleached blonde now instead of the vibrant red it had been before. Despite how utterly wasted he had been at that party that night, Changkyun could still pinpoint and recite every detail of his face. Had even thought of drawing it before just to have something to look at. He had been mesmerized by Jooheon, but now knowing that he was pregnant with his baby... that changes things a bit. Changkyun didn't want to see him anymore, never again. He wanted nothing to do with him. 

Jooheon was sitting on the couch in the sitting area and Changkyun figured that Hyungwon's talking was too loud for Jooheon to pick up on the smallest sound that the door made as it opened. Changkyun was hoping he could evade Jooheon entirely since he was too focused on the textbook that was opened in his lap. His bedroom door was already open and he could easily bolt inside and close the door enough to obscure him from view but still leave it open enough for Hyungwon to get in if he didn't have his ID card. He had to make this seem as though there was no panic and there was no eagerness to get out of there as fast as possible. 

To not bring much attention to himself, Changkyun was going to walk to his room. Booking it there now was going to bring more attention to him and Jooheon would be more interested and possibly step into his room to talk to him. Changkyun was going to walk to his room and keep quiet. He started walking and everything was going so well, until...

"Changkyun?" 

Shit, he was caught. He should have just booked it to his room and shut the door entirely. Hyungwon could always knock and Changkyun could let him in when he was done talking to Minhyuk and Kihyun. He just had to play it safe and make it appear casual when there was no need. He just wanted to sleep now and forget what was happening to him. But he still had to address Jooheon and acknowledge that he existed rather than be rude and hint of his predicament. His heart was between his teeth. 

With the great acting skills Changkyun had developed over years of pretending to be okay, he turned over his shoulder with a confused expression to appear as though he hadn't seen Jooheon before. He was deathly nervous though and was hoping that he was pulling this all off successfully, "Oh, hey, Jooheon! Hey! Why are you here?" he could feel himself falling apart at the seams and his left hand was starting to shake, a nervous habit and a habit that always manifested when an anxiety attack was going to happen. He gripped the leg of the black pants he wore to work in hopes that it would calm the tremor he felt. The grasp was hurting his nerves, bones feeling the pressure of his own hand. 

Jooheon smiled and closed his book with his hand stuck between the two pages he was on so he wouldn't lose his spot. He looked so calm and collected, definitely wasn't experiencing the same inner turmoil that Changkyun was, "I'm actually friends with Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon. Funny story, we all went to the same high school but never became friends until we came here."

"Oh really?" Changkyun nearly stuttered out. Great, his unit mates were friends with his baby daddy, "What a coincidence. That's nice that your friends all live in the same place, easy to hang out together," sounded as though he was giving permission to hang out here more often and Changkyun felt as though he was going to throw up, nausea crawling up his throat and tearing at his tongue. He wanted to choke and die on the spot. He had to change the subject, "You're studying here?" 

Jooheon glanced down at his textbook and nodded, "A little bit. Psychology is difficult so I'm trying to memorize some terms and concepts so I can understand what we talk about in class tomorrow," Jooheon glanced at what Changkyun was wearing, "You just got off work?"

"Yes," Changkyun answered a little too quickly, "Long day."

Jooheon nodded, brows furrowed as he switched directions, "How are you doing? I haven't seen you since after the party. Anything huge happen since then?" he asked, sounding cordial and calm. He was still smiling and looked like he was actually curious and Changkyun could swear he saw this prying look, searching for a certain answer, but maybe he was imagining things. 

This egregious conversation was painful and Changkyun just wanted to leave and sleep, forget this was happening. But he also couldn't help how this was delving a bit too personal for him, like Jooheon almost knew, "No. I'm fine," he was no longer nervous, now guarded and standing his ground, hand gripping harder onto his pants, a determined spirit taking over. 

Then, Jooheon raises an eyebrow, unbelieving and unconvinced, “Are you sure about that?” 

That didn't sit well with Changkyun and he frowned now, no more smile and a hostile stance instead, ready to strike if Jooheon overstepped his boundaries, "Yes," he didn't want to answer fully, didn't want to waste the energy on an in-depth answer. Why is Jooheon talking to him in the first place? He wasn't this interested in the first place. 

"Something tells me that's hard to believe," Jooheon shrugged as he grabbed an actual bookmark and placed it where his arm once was, "I would say you don't look as fine as you claim you are," attitude, returned hostility. Frustration as he grew impatient. He wanted the answer he knew was there. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Changkyun inquired, growing angry at the older. He rarely got angry, but recently it was an emotion he had trouble taming and keeping at bay. Mood swings perhaps, but he was typically better at hiding his emotions, and everything else. 

Jooheon threw his hands up in defense, claiming that he wasn't showcasing any antagonistic actions or inquiries. It was all curious, "I'm just sayin', man. You're not telling me much about anything, including the truth about how you are," frustration galore and further prodding. He grew brave, assuming Changkyun was just going to avoid him further, "Changkyun, was I the last person you slept with?" 

He knew, he just had to know, Changkyun thought to himself and that was more angering. He was giving him the benefit of the doubt though and was guessing that he was talking about something else. He could feel his ears turning red and "I don't have to tell you anything," Changkyun reminded him, ready to turn and leave. His blood was boiling, fists balling at his side, wanting to fold his arms across his chest but yet again, it was unfriendly and he wasn't trying to be unfriendly. Or maybe he was, finding this a complete waste of time. 

But this answer was enough for Jooheon. He felt his heart race and further felt his brain overload with information. He momentarily processed that Hyungwon, Minhyuk, and Kihyun were standing in the doorway and watching the scene, shrinking in on themselves. He was losing it, “Kid, just tell me if you’re pregnant or not!” he exclaimed, lifting himself from the couch and finally standing, wanting to get up into Changkyun's face. He held a strong stance, asserting dominance in this situation. It worked because Changkyun was so much smaller than Jooheon, petite and shorter. Changkyun wanted to keep strong as well, but he felt himself shrink, wanting to hide away. 

He was also shocked, wondering how he knew that because the only other person who knew was Hyungwon. There was no way, but his earlier surmises were correct. Now the anger was real and fully in force. He was livid, absolutely furious. He wanted to scream and hit something, hurt his fists against the walls. Damn it, “So what if I am?! What does that matter to you?! Who are you to come in here and ask me personal questions that I wouldn't answer in the first place?! I haven't seen you in two months and you make me feel unsafe in my own room and sitting room, what did you want to gain from this?!" he was yelling with his whole chest, threatening to step further and force his body into Jooheon's space. 

Jooheon looked pleased though under all that frowning. He smirked cockily and that angered Changkyun further, "So you are pregnant and it's mine," Jooheon stated. having received his answer in full. 

"Did I say that?! No! I'm not telling you anything, you haven't been in sight for two months and you come in here in my personal space and ask me all these invasive questions! You have no right," Changkyun felt his fists raise, he was about to start throwing them if Jooheon didn't leave now and he was going to do something about that, "Leave, right now. Get out of my face and my home," Changkyun took a step further, puffing his chest up, pointing right at the door. 

"No need to get so hostile," Jooheon groused under his breath thinking that Changkyun couldn't hear, but he had. 

"Get the fuck out," Changkyun finalized as he watched Jooheon grab his backpack and belongings that weren't already in his bag. That was the final word from Changkyun, no matter if Jooheon wanted to say anything else, he was done. No more. 

Jooheon huffed as he threw his bag over his shoulder and turned to face Changkyun one more time, "I'm always here if you need me," he assured with a frown on his face. Realizing that Changkyun was not going to back down, he turned and finally left with a quiet slam of the door. 

Changkyun was fuming. He turned to look towards Kihyun and Minhyuk's room to find the two of them and Hyungwon watching the situation break down. They knew, it was a done deal. There was no turning back or denying anything. He was revealed and completely vulnerable. 

Changkyun screamed with his deep voice and stormed into his room, pushing the door open with such force that it slammed against the door bumper attached to the wall. Changkyun threw his stuff to the ground and tore his shirt and pants off, replacing them with a sleep shirt and basketball shorts. His hands were in his dark hair, gripping and tugging at the black strands as he processed through this mental breakdown he was having. His anxiety was telling him to pull harder until there were locks in his palms, hands trembling in fear. Jooheon knew, and his lack of professionalism in that conversation led to Jooheon discovering everything. Confrontation was not something Changkyun handled well and here he was. The tea was spilled and it had stained everything that was Changkyun's life. 

There was someone in the room with him, the door closing behind them as they joined Changkyun's panic attack. Changkyun swung around with grace and as soon as he met eye to eye with Hyungwon. The lividity grew stronger within Changkyun, all he wanted was to fight, anger stronger than it was before. The person he trusted the most had broken that trust as though it was nothing. He had asked him to do one thing, that was it. He couldn't even do that. 

"Why the hell did you tell him?! Is this some sick game to you?! Why would you do that?!" Changkyun got close to Hyungwon, watching as he flinched in fear of his actions. Changkyun maybe going too far but he had to get this rage out somehow and Hyungwon was the perfect candidate, "I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't even do that. Why did you tell Jooheon of all people?! Did you know?!" 

"No, I didn't," Hyungwon confirmed, fear sprouting through his features as he stared into the eyes of the bull head on. This was not good, "I didn't tell him, I swear."

"Then how did he find out?! You're the only one I told! He didn't just magically find out!" Changkyun was right. Someone else had told him, otherwise, Jooheon wouldn't have known. There was no way possible. 

Hyungwon grew silent and stiff, guilty frown on his features. His feet scuffed the ground as he tried to protect himself, "I didn't tell Jooheon," he clarified with a heavy heart. He was getting a headache, "But I did tell Minhyuk and Kihyun. This morning," he wasn't sure who told Jooheon, but he was sure that if it was anyone, it would have been Minhyuk. 

"That’s just great, four people know I'm pregnant. I asked you to do one thing," Changkyun repeated, pacing back and forth between his bed and his closet, Hyungwon trapped between the door and Changkyun. 

"Jooheon is the father?" Hyungwon asked carefully, knowing that he was going to have an even angrier Changkyun on his hands, but he deserved this. This was all his fault in the first place, he needed to be humbled by every insult his roommate could give him. 

Changkyun's frown fell, "You said you wouldn't tell." 

"I was just trying to help," Hyungwon voiced, speaking the truth. He really thought he had been helping his roommate out. Hyungwon could feel the tears building up in his eyes, feeling like a child being told he had done something bad, "It's hard taking care of a baby by yourself." 

Changkyun could feel his own tears in his eyes and even felt a few slide down his cheeks, making his eyes burn further, "Well it doesn't matter anyway. I've already made up my mind. I'm getting an abortion next week. Tell your friends not to worry anymore, it won't be a problem for much longer," Changkyun reached past Hyungwon to turn off the light, watching as he flinched away from his movements. He felt immoral about that small action, but he then again recalled how Hyungwon had broken his trust and he felt bad no longer. 

After the light was off, Changkyun hopped into his bed and laid down, pulling his blanket over his shoulders as he faced away from Hyungwon, not wanting to see his face at all. He had been looking forward to a shower, but now he just wanted to sleep even with how early it still was. 

No one needs to look out for him, he’s got this on his own. Changkyun didn't need help from anyone, especially not from his loud-mouthed roommate. He could do things on his own, and he was doing that for himself. He was going to visit the clinic, confirm this pregnancy for real, and then get an abortion to get rid of this thing. He had more important things to focus on. 

He went to bed angry that night, tears flowing from his tear ducts in a silent cry, "Fuck," he kept whispering under his breath after every time he rubbed at his eyes, aching and itching from every tear. He didn't have to deal with this anymore, he was going to fix the problem. As soon as possible. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I changed the ages so they were all close together and they're all basically in the same year except Changkyun. I made it so that Hoseok was the oldest and it's so odd but I had to do what I had to do. Also provided below are their current ages and what each person is studying. 
> 
> -Hoseok - March 1, 1999 - junior - 20 - EXS major, minor in audio engineering
> 
> -Hyunwoo - June 18, 1999 - junior - 20 - Physics major, minor in chemistry
> 
> -Jooheon - Oct 6, 1999 - sophomore - 20 - Psychology major, commercial music major 
> 
> -Minhyuk - Nov 3, 1999 - sophomore -19 - business major, hospitality and tourism minor
> 
> -Kihyun - Nov 22, 1999 - sophomore - 19 - elementary education, minor in child psychology 
> 
> -Hyungwon - Jan 15, 2000 - sophomore - 19 - EXS major, minor in biology
> 
> -Changkyun - Jan 26, 2001 - freshman - 18 - art major, minor in psychology 
> 
> I’d like to dedicate this to the miss aanyaa for holding my hand through this whole chapter and inspiring me to write every day. She came up with some of this and it really wouldn’t be a thing without her. Love you, N <3
> 
> I also hope that you are enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing this <3


	3. I Can't, I Couldn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun is just trying to get his abortion but everyone has a different opinion from him

Sitting there now, Changkyun thinks about how much he hates how the doctor speaks. Quiet and careful with a smile on his face despite the situation, like a clown. Changkyun feels uncomfortable, feels small, feels like a kid again. He would prefer not to be here and would choose to do something better with his time, but he had to be here, he had to confirm this pregnancy so he could get it in his personal and official files. So he could get an abortion at the clinic that was a ninety-minute bus ride away. 

The doctor was taking some blood samples for the blood test currently and Changkyun had already offered a urine sample for them to take and test. Both tests were supposed to take up to ten minutes before a clear answer was offered, but to Changkyun it felt like an eternity. He already had his answer, but he needed it on paper from an actual clinic to prove so. He had long since thrown his home test away, had even gone as far as breaking it to pieces in anger. This was all a nightmare and all he wanted to worry about was attending class on time and getting all his art assignments done before their due dates. He didn't have the time nor the energy to think about a different person entirely. That's why he stuck to himself, he only had to think about himself, and therefore there was no worry about other people. A baby added into the mix would be disastrous. 

His mind wandered to Hyungwon and how disappointed he had looked when Changkyun had uttered the word 'abortion' as though it was something unspeakable, a bad and nasty word. It was a controversial topic, yes, but Changkyun was pro-choice and his belief for the right to do what one wants with their body was what he had a passion for. Pregnancy was not magical for everyone and there were many instances where a pregnancy was unwanted, invalid. Sometimes it was painful for the mother or father to continue with such a commitment, and that's how Changkyun saw this. If he were to continue, he would only endure pain, he would lose his family, he would lose his education, he would lose his job. He would be nothing and have nothing, and so he needed this abortion. Changkyun was not the kind of person to get so political in any view about anything, but he would fight for his own right to get an abortion if needed. He would fight tooth and nail, and if he didn't have the safe option of terminating this pregnancy, he would surely do it by himself in his dorm. People who were pro-life obviously hadn't lived through something as difficult as what Changkyun was experiencing, living in a fantasy world instead of reality and disregarding statistics and facts. There was no changing Changkyun's mind on this, it was happening. Who was anyone to tell him what to do with his own body? It wasn't like he was terminating this pregnancy for fun. This was a viable option for him and no one was going to take that away from him. 

Without warning, the doctor removed the needle from his arm with a small and sharp sting. Caught off guard, Changkyun gazed up and noticed how the doctor was smiling with all his teeth on show. This whole thing was so condescending, honestly. That's why he had avoided eye contact as often as possible, not wanting to get a good look at this man who possessed no inkling of knowledge pertaining to his life. Changkyun was just another number in this damn clinic and his indignant nature was left ignored, "I'll take these back to a nurse so she can test them and I'll have you sit here and wait another few minutes, okay?" another flash of that irritating smile, a pat to the knee, and he was gone past the white door, closing behind him with a click. Changkyun was alone again and above all things, he preferred this. He deeply exhaled, glad and more relaxed. 

Those tests were going to end up positive and that doctor was going to come back and give him the 'good news' and ask him how far along he thought he was. It had been a week since a decision had been made and Changkyun knew he was ten weeks along, that was for certain. He would be asked questions to figure out where he was in gestation and if he was 'lucky', in a perfect world, Changkyun would be receiving an ultrasound. It was probably a bit too early for an external ultrasound and he was most likely going to have an internal ultrasound. Changkyun would receive an offer to have an ultrasound by a smiling doctor, but he had already decided against the idea, withholding his consent for commitment to making this whole experience personal. Seeing that ultrasound would give him a reason to hold on to any inkling of hope to keep the baby. Changkyun had studied everything that went into this process and in the end, he wasn't going to need it. Confirmation of his pregnancy was enough, then he was going to call the clinic to schedule an appointment for the next day, head to the abortion clinic, show them his file, and get it done. It was going to be official. 

Now enveloped in silence, Changkyun took his phone out of his pocket to check on who had been texting him incessantly this whole time. His pocket had been vibrating relentlessly with a persistence that was rather surprising and admirable. Changkyun had been reluctant to check due to the despair of seeing who it was. He knew who the sender was already since he rarely received many texts from anyone else, and there was only one person who could care for him this much to try and find where he was. 

Glancing at the screen his suspicions were confirmed as the name 'Hyungwon' patterned his screen followed by collections and series of texts. The messages ranged from 'where are you?' to 'I hope you're safe' to 'come back to the room'. Changkyun couldn't blame him for worrying so much, especially since he didn't come home last night nor did he return at any time this morning. He had instead slept in the lounge of their dorm, nowhere near their unit, frustration too great to let him sleep in his room with Hyungwon for the night. He had been ignoring the older for days and last night his pride had forgone common sense and he slept out of his room for the first time since the semester started. The couch was uncomfortable and he woke up with a sore back, but it was better than suffering through another conversation with Hyungwon. 

Changkyun had lingered on the largest couch in the lounge and purported to finish homework for most of the night when the RAs walked back and forth outside in the hall, making sure he wasn't doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing. There had been eyes trained on him all night until he eventually fell asleep, anticipating his appointment at the school clinic. He had been waiting for this for a week and tomorrow was finally his day. He had already called off work with the excuse that he had a migraine and would come in when he could. He had already missed half an hour of work and he was going to go back right after this to try and get his mind off of what was ahead of him. He needed this one day to prepare himself after what he was committing to tomorrow. There was still a lot to think about even when a decision was made. 

Ignoring the messages from Hyungwon, Changkyun opened his web browser and stared at the website pulled up on a tab. It was a link to the only Planned Parenthood within the district, notorious for abortions even though it was a choice, not a political debate. He looked over the requirements for obtaining an abortion and just like every other time he had read it, it had not changed and he had met every requirement. He was perfectly eligible for a procedural abortion and it was so easy. In the next day, this wasn't going to be an issue any longer. And he was no idiot, he knew what this entailed. He believed in the power of choice, but he also knew the facts. He knew what was going on with his body and what was going to happen to his body after the procedure, what was going to be removed from his uterus. Changkyun was not naive and uneducated. He was making his choice like the adult he is and no one could make him see differently.

He had not waited long for the results before the doctor was returning with a file in his hand and a sullen look. Changkyun straightened up with his hands folded in his lap, fully aware of what he was going to be told. He chewed his lip, biting off the skin that was dry and was peeling due to lack of proper care. The doctor was about to break it to him and he wasn't going to wait to be told how to take care of this pregnancy because he was going to immediately inform his doctor that there was no need. He was getting rid of it anyway. 

The doctor sat down on the wheeled chair close to the examination table and brought himself closer to Changkyun, avoiding eye contact and instead staring down at his files as though filtering through them again. He was pulling a type of bedside manner that was not sitting well with Changkyun, he was approaching the topic carefully and this was much different from his attitude before. Maybe he had assumed Changkyun had been imagining the whole idea and was paranoid, but now he was looking at fact and he was going to agree with Changkyun this time around. Changkyun hated everything about this interaction and he felt nothing but discomfort. He was entrusting the most personal information to this man he didn't know and even though he was bound by contract and HIPPA laws, the fact that he still knew was enough to make Changkyun nauseous. 

"Well," the doctor started as he finally looked up to face Changkyun, bottom lip between his teeth as he frowned, "Both the blood and the urine tests picked up significant traces of hCG... and it's safe to say that you are indeed pregnant. So a congratulations is in order," he fiddled with the file and placed it to the side before looking back at Changkyun with his hands clasped. He looked so shocked and Changkyun couldn't help but think that maybe this doctor was newer. He hadn't had much experience in something like this and he was still new, didn't know how to show emotion or bias. Made Changkyun's stomach churn more, "Would you be able to pinpoint when gestation would have begun?" 

Changkyun had that specific date burned into his head and it was so immediate when it slipped from his lips, "August 13th is when I slept with the father, I'm around ten weeks now," he informed, lip starting to hurt the harder he clamped down on the delicate skin. He was now chewing on his tongue in tandem with his lip, tongue acting as a buffer so he didn't draw blood from his lip, "I'm sure of it, that was the last time I had sex," he had kept a close eye on the calendar, noting every day how far along he was even when there wasn't much of a difference. 

The doctor pursed his lips and nodded as he grabbed his laptop and started to type that information into his files. He was quietly muttering words of affirmation under his breath, more directed at himself but still providing a sense of comfort for Changkyun. But it was also anxiety-inducing and all he wanted to do was to curl into a ball, lay down in his bed, and hide away from the world, but he couldn't even do that there with Hyungwon preventing any chance of calm for his person. He wanted to be able to confide with Hyungwon after getting to know him some more, but any chance of a possible friendship was demolished when he had told others his secret when he asked that he didn't. There was no trust there anymore, he couldn't find it in himself to stay around the older for long periods of time before his heart started to race from the anxiety. His room was supposed to be his safe place, but it was no longer. Hyungwon was apologetic, he had made that known many times, but Changkyun couldn't find it in him to forget. He had forgiven, but trust was no longer a concept in their relationship. They were just roommates at this point. 

"You are eligible for an ultrasound, but we don't have any ultrasounds readily available here but I can refer you to a prenatal clinic where they can give you an ultrasound and a proper look at your baby," the doctor chirped as he mentioned all that he could. Yet, Changkyun was quick to deny that offer before he could move towards the desk where a collection of numbers and referrals sat for a variety of patients if needed. Changkyun had not seen room to fit an ultrasound machine and he was relieved to hear that. He was sure the sight would have made his stomach flip, or maybe that was just the pregnancy in general. 

"No," was his immediate answer, the doctor lifting his head to face Changkyun again for clarification, "There's no need, I'm not keeping it. It would only be a waste of time and money," no point in watering it down for this doctor who felt it was his job to convince his patient otherwise. Surely he could see from the beginning of this appointment that Changkyun wasn't too thrilled about any of this, "I just needed to confirm it so I can take my file to the abortion clinic for an appointment."

There it was, that flicker of discontent in the doctor's eyes as he heard Changkyun utter his plan with confidence. Surely he knew that keeping a baby would only prove disastrous for Changkyun. He had all of his information and history, had his age and year in university. He was well aware of Changkyun's position and he had no place to tell Changkyun what to do even as a doctor. His doctor nodded as he cleared his throat, "You are well within the regular termination window, and you're very healthy other than the pregnancy symptoms, so termination will not hurt you in the slightest. You will feel the effects but otherwise, everything should go smoothly," Changkyun was hoping to hear that, "I cannot tell you what you can and cannot do, but I can offer you peace and happiness," the doctor nodded as he handed Changkyun the file with his information. He had already handed a copy to the secretary for his profile. It would be there until Changkyun graduated and the thought was unsettling. The health clinic would have that information for years to come. 

"Thank you," Changkyun accepted his words of encouragement despite the odd foot they were on before he accepted the file the doctor held out for him. Once his incriminating evidence was on his person, he hopped off the table to leave and tucked the file under his hoodie to hide it away from everyone who could see it. The doctor guided him to the front desk and Changkyun paid for the small fee it had taken to attend his appointment before finally stepping foot out of the building that smelled too much like hand sanitizer. The scent was starting to make him sick as did many other things did recently. He was looking forward to not being pregnant. This was too much of a nuisance. 

With his file on his person, Changkyun headed to his dorm with a better mood. All the tension he had felt in the doctor's office was dreadful and stepping into the chilly fall air was refreshing, he was feeling better physically and mentally, but the issue continued to remain. It would cling to his entire being until tomorrow afternoon and then he would be done with it. His plan for the future was going to prevail and there would be no more setbacks for him, no more issues and no more bumps in the road. He was stupid to let his guard down for even one night because here he was in this mess. Trust and vulnerability were unfamiliar and he wasn't going to reinstitute such concepts into his life again. Life was better alone where he didn't have to depend on others and others couldn't depend on him. 

He had never wanted kids in the first place, why change his mind now that he was pregnant with a baby that belonged to someone he didn't know? It was just a fetus he didn't have any connection to, it was nothing to him. Why hold onto things that didn't mean anything to him? 

Changkyun stepped into his room as quietly as possible, having left the door slightly open so he didn't have to use his key card again and make more noise that could stir sleep. Hyungwon should still be asleep by now and this gave Changkyun enough time to hide his file where Hyungwon wouldn't snoop, get ready for work, and then leave for a few hours. He was debating packing his day's essentials into his backpack and then staying out of the room altogether for the rest of the day and possibly the next day when a voice caught his attention. 

"Where have you been?" this voice was tired and held an accent of elation at the return of Changkyun. It was also cautious, not wanting to overwhelm the newly welcomed guest even though Changkyun lived there. 

The freshman looked up from his spot on the carpet to face a very worn looking Hyungwon. His tone was calm but his facial expressions screamed more, like he was worried sick and anxious, maybe even a dash of anger over not knowing where his roommate had been for the night. There were dark bags under his eyes and his skin was pale, giving away that he had stayed vigilant all night. He had agonized over Changkyun and while the younger would have thought that was flattering, it was concerning as well. 

Changkyun cursed in his mind at the frustration of having to talk to his roommate after the fight they'd had, but he couldn't just ignore him. Besides, he felt guilt over causing such pain and anxiety for the older but maybe he just deserved that little corner of what Changkyun was experiencing, "Sorry, I forgot to send you a text. I was doing homework in the lounge all night," not a total lie, but not the total truth either, "Slipped my mind." 

"I'm sure it did," Hyungwon played along as he moved to leave the bed but decided last second to stay seated. Now was not the time to get close to his roommate, "Changkyun, talk to me. It's been a week now, I just want to know what you're thinking," he was careful and attempting not to overstep his boundaries. He had a lot of apologizing to still do and a lot of kissing up to commit to, "I know I messed up, but we're roommates and I really want you to confide in me and talk to me when you're in need or having a bad day. I want to be there for you, especially with a baby on the way." 

Changkyun slid his file into his backpack and felt his blood boiling at what Hyungwon had uttered. He was trying to keep his cool without exploding again but the older was making it so difficult with how clueless he was portraying himself. Changkyun figured the best course of action was to not make eye contact in order to avoid a breakdown on his part. Still keeping his back to Hyungwon, he spoke up, "How can I confide in you when you didn't listen to me the first time? It just doesn't make sense for me to take that step another time with your standing history," he was keeping his cool but he was feeling his mind further trickle into anger as he heard Hyungwon's words repeat in his mind tauntingly. He wanted to continue yet he was keeping at bay because he didn't have time for this. He still had to go to work and he still had classes later that he had to focus on rather than what was happening right now.

Hyungwon cleared his throat as an act of embarrassment and then continued, "I know that I messed up, but you have to listen to me," Changkyun paused at that because was he really trying to justify this whole thing? Hyungwon was not in the right place to do that, "The only reason I told Kihyun and Minhyuk was so they could help you out and I thought there was no harm in that. It was Minhyuk that took it too far and started this whole mess by telling Jooheon." 

Changkyun bit his lip in annoyance, trying to keep words from darting out of his mouth but it wasn't working. He could taste the metallic tang of blood flood into his mouth and it fueled his building rage further, "You thought there would be no harm," he reiterated with a sarcastic chuckle of his own, "If you didn't want any harm done, you would have kept it quiet," he zipped his bag closed with a fury, wanting nothing more than to leave this room right now, “You wouldn’t have told people that only know my name,” he pictured those few mornings he had spent with Kihyun and how the tea the older brewed made him feel better. He realized the older had done that specifically for him, and while the gesture was kind, it was unnecessary and it made Changkyun want to avoid Kihyun altogether. He knew about the pregnancy and was thus involved.

Hyungwon sighed, but not in a frustrated way, it was in the way that communicated he was agreeing with the younger and that he was frustrated at himself. He knew this was all due to him, “I really didn’t mean for this to happen and I know that it was an error in my judgment. It just seemed better if more people knew so you weren’t so alone in this. No one can raise a baby by themselves,” there was a personal tone in his voice as though he were referring to himself when help was pictured. He was the one who wanted to help Changkyun out of everyone. 

Changkyun felt a wave of calm wash over him as he quickly slid his uniform shirt over his head, covering his bare chest again. He found a moment of clarity and a sense that he had control over the situation, he had nothing to hide or be ashamed about. Having an answer to all of this was so calming and it gave him drive for what was to come, “It won’t matter, the damage is already done but it won’t be a big deal very soon,” he heard Hyungwon choke on his words as he attempted to decipher what that meant exactly. A silent ‘what’ filled the room and pounded in Changkyun’s ears, “I went to the clinic today, and I’m for sure pregnant. Every test I took had the same results. All positive.”

A few seconds passed before there was a belated, “Congratulations,” that Hyungwon whispered under his breath yet again, afraid as his brain ran every worst-case scenario through his head. There was no good coming from what Changkyun was insinuating. ‘Soon’ was relative and doing something about a pregnancy ‘soon’ wasn’t a light matter. That meant one thing, but Hyungwon was giving him the benefit of the doubt because he was sure his roommate wouldn't go that far. 

Changkyun paused and deeply inhaled, exhaling a sigh as he turned to face Hyungwon once more. His entire person felt numb and he felt as though he was having an out of body experience, not quite sure what was taking charge anymore. He gripped his hands together in an attempt to keep himself grounded and it helped for the most part, but he still felt anxious, “I’m getting an abortion tomorrow, so it won’t be a big deal very soon.” 

Hyungwon gaped like a fish as he stared at Changkyun, surprised and shocked at such an answer. He never knew anyone who’d had an abortion, had never really spoken to many people who were pro-choice. In fact, he had never really discussed abortions with anyone before because it wasn't a popular topic. The Republic of Korea was highly conservative and anyone who thought differently outside the standards of society were outsiders, so not many opposite opinions were shared so openly. Sexuality was being antagonized less but any other concept that wasn't viewed as "traditional" was untouched and abortion was one of them. To Hyungwon, it just seemed too heartless, and the first words that came out of his mouth were, “Why?” without him processing his mental filter. 

"I just can’t have a baby,” that was enough of an answer, he didn’t need to explain himself and he didn't need to delve more into detail with his personal life with someone who thought it was okay to spill secrets and details, “I’ll be calling Planned Parenthood after work," he paused, carefully planning out what he was going to say as he asked a favor, "And the website says it’s recommended that I arrange for someone to pick me up from the appointment, and since you have a car, I was hoping you could do that for me,” it would be a way for Hyungwon to make it up to Changkyun after all that he’s done. It was perfect and that was that, but he wasn't the type of person to say so, “I’ll be out of it and I’ll need someone for the support I guess,” he didn’t need that part though, he was sure of it, “It would be awesome if you could drive me over. If I took the bus it would be a disaster and I could potentially pass out and not wake up for a few hours. I'd rather not have that happen and wake up in a different district.”

The tension in the room was palpable and Changkyun swore he could cut it with a knife. He didn’t want to be here but he had to ask, it was necessary and it was worth a shot. But Hyungwon looked skeptical and had his eyebrow lifted in a questioning manner. Changkyun was ready to tell him to forget it and not bring it up ever again in order to keep this entire thing under wraps. His anxiety was taking over and it was telling him to run away from the situation. Sharing more details about his personal life was yet another mistake even if it was just with his roommate. Hyungwon was nosy and had a big mouth. 

“Wait,” Hyungwon faltered, unsure of how to go about this without ruining more of their relationship. It was already pretty far gone, but he was trying to salvage what he could, “Are you really sure this is what you want to do?” he inquired, now scurrying out of bed to stand in front of Changkyun. The younger had taken a step back and Hyungwon made a mental note to keep his distance so as not to overwhelm the younger and drive him further away. He still needed him here, “This is a huge step and what if you regret getting the abortion? You can’t go back on something like that.”

“What if I regret having the baby?” Changkyun asked next, which was a highly valid question and one that supported his stance, “I could regret both options, but it’s up to me to decide whether or not either option is worth my time. This is my choice,” a wave of nausea was starting to itch up his throat again and he so badly wanted this over with as soon as possible. It was distressing, “And thus it is me who decides what I am ready to deal and cope with. No one should have their opinion hanging over my head when it is my body.” 

“But it’s a baby,” Hyungwon stated as though that meant anything to Changkyun. It was also a hurtful statement as though guilting Changkyun's choice. It was a baby, but did Changkyun need to remind him that he couldn't have a baby? 

“I’m aware,” the younger stated, wondering if Hyungwon really thought he was going to win Changkyun over with this. That was exactly why he was getting an abortion in the first place. 

Hyungwon continued with a determined look that was still cautious with no intention to hurt feelings, “It’s a living person that has a heartbeat. I don’t know much about the development of a baby this early along but Changkyun, there’s a person inside of you that just wants to meet you and love you, why waste that kind of potential?” Hyungwon felt his throat dry and stick as he felt the emotions build up in his chest as he spoke. He felt an unknown passion about this topic and while it was as surprising as it was, it was also refreshing for his soul, “This baby could cure cancer or become the prime minister, he or she could be a parent someday and have their own children. Your grandchildren. Do you really want to put a stop to that?” 

Now Changkyun was experiencing a fit of anger he's never known, not even when he found out Hyungwon had told others he was pregnant in the first place. He was not appreciating the steps that Hyungwon was taking to convince him otherwise. This was manipulative whether Hyungwon was aware of it or not, “Are you really trying to change my mind by telling me what ‘my baby’ could do and how I would be ruining their future because I made a decision? Are you really going to pull that card?” Changkyun was fuming and his voice was raised in disdain. He clenched his fist and felt the stab of his nails digging into his palm as the anger flooded every cell of his body, “What if they grew up to be a serial killer or a drug dealer? What if they decided that he or she wanted to steal from jewelry stores and banks? There are so many things that this ‘baby’ can grow up to be and you decide to focus on the positive aspects because you are not experiencing this for yourself. It’s easy for you to have an opinion because you’re not the one risking everything to have a baby that you don’t want in the first place," his argument was unequivocal and unambiguous. It was plain and clear, no room for biased interpretation. 

Hyungwon was speechless now with no more fight left in him, no more will to try and convince Changykun to sway the other way. The younger was right, he was completely correct and that was that. Changkyun was furious and wanted to continue and push Hyungwon further into his place, but he was ready for work so he had no reason to stay any longer. He ripped his backpack from the chair it was sitting in and started to walk out the door with heavy stomps of his feet and forced breath, “Never mind, by the way, I’m going by myself. Don’t worry when I come home tomorrow looking like I’ve gone through hell because I am getting that abortion and you can’t stop me,” with that last statement he was gone and storming out of the unit living space, hearing the door slam behind his back. In spite of Hyungwon, Changkyun made it a goal of his to not say more than two words at a time to him until he switched dorms after this semester. There was no need to speak to someone who was so disrespectful of his opinions and choices. 

Hyungwon stood still in shock because what he thought had been friendly attempts at convincing Changkyun to not get the abortion had been insensitive and rude. Now hearing all that Changkyun had to say, he had no choice but to stay resigned and acquiesce despite his initial thoughts. He shouldn't have mentioned anything in the first place but he was delusional enough to think he could change Changkyun's mind and show him the miracle of what a baby was. Consideration had not been at the forefront of his mind and he instead had the intent to change his beliefs. 

And after everything that was happening, he remembered that Jooheon still had no clue. Jooheon had occasionally texted Hyungwon in curiosity of how Changkyun was doing but had never exclusively asked about the baby, and when he did text about Changkyun, it was vague and wasn't as concerned. Just wanting to know the general state. He was asking just for the sake of it and he was keeping tags on his person. There was no true care for his well being and it was as though he felt obligated to ask since the younger was pregnant with his child. He had made no other efforts and might as well not trouble himself about Changkyun, but in all the drama, Hyungwon felt he still had the right to know even if Changkyun thought he didn't. There was no way Changkyun was going to tell him and someone had to pass the message along. 

And due to Changkyun's apparent hatred towards him already, Hyungwon guessed that there was no harm in taking that step and informing Jooheon about what was happening the next day. With Jooheon's indisposition, there would be no harm on either side of this spectrum. He would send a text and ask to not think too much about the situation. He would explain the bare minimum and that was it, not wanting to put too much of Changkyun out there when it still wasn't his place. He was breaking so many rules for the sake of his own sanity and that was entirely wrong, but also needed. 

So he sent a text. Short and sweet with enough information to leave Jooheon satisfied. Feeling like he committed a huge sin on his part, he felt as though he needed to cool off and after tossing his phone to the side, he grabbed his towel and headed towards the bathroom of their unit. It was going to be cold since they were having issues with the water heater and he didn't care, he needed that wake-up call. It was going to make him feel better and clear his thoughts. Hyungwon made a goal that he was going to be a better roommate and change his ways so that Changkyun won't have to suffer anymore even though he knew for a fact that Changkyun was going to transfer living spaces when they had to renew housing contracts or sign new ones in a few weeks. Hyungwon was going to act and perform better as a person and not turn to such insensitivities when dealing with other people. No one was going to suffer anymore due to his decisions and actions. 

Except for Jooheon because the older was suffering on the other end of the text as he read the short paragraph Hyungwon had sent him, letting each word sink in and what it meant. He was almost certain he was having an aneurysm from all the shock and stimulation of fear. This was not how this was supposed to go down and Jooheon wasn't even sure what he thought would happen after discovering he was going to be a father, but this definitely was not it. 

Jooheon swore his brain was turning to mush and his body was slowly following in shock. He couldn't find it in himself to believe this was true despite the fact that this was happening. He never imagined something like this would happen to him, yet it was occurring right before his eyes. 

Im Changkyun, someone he barely knew, someone he had slept with once at a party, someone who was pregnant with his first child, was getting an abortion tomorrow and was leaving him with the knowledge that there could have been something more. And while he was pro-choice, all for the one's right to terminate their pregnancy, it was different when it was his baby that was being considered for termination. An end was coming to his child's existence and it was then that Jooheon first thought of how important this whole ordeal was when he had not given it much thought beforehand. Jooheon's child's life was ending and he did not want his baby to die no matter how uninvolved he was before. He cared now and there was no way he wasn't going to let this slide now without his interference first. Having his kid cease existing hurt his heart and it sent panic signals to every nerve of his body. Paternal instincts be damned, this was important. 

But first he had to have a mental breakdown and luckily Jooheon was in his room and his roommate was in class so there was no one there to witness everything that was about to happen to him. 

He threw his phone onto his bed and made sure the door was closed fully before letting himself release this monster of a roar that expressed his frustration at the situation. He was almost certain he heard someone respond from next door but he couldn't care less as he let this collection of emotions roam free and manifest. He was restraining from punching the wall and destroying anything that would break to avoid fines from the RA and he would say he was doing a pretty good job. He had a lot of self-control minus the reputation he portrayed while at parties. 

In all this rage, Jooheon was extremely thankful he was a level headed person in tough situations and this one time was his only time that he was going to let himself lose control. He had just received some pretty terrible news and it was mentally straining. He had to act fast and most of all, he had to talk to Changkyun for himself to try and talk this through. Maybe try and figure this out together and compromise. There was no way he was letting Changkyun go through with this. Not while he was alive. 

The hustle and bustle of the grill that Changkyun worked at was almost therapeutic to him. It was enough to calm him down significantly at this point, immersing himself in his work to keep distracted. He had to pay attention to these customers in order to keep his mind away from what it really wanted to concentrate on. Besides, he liked being at work. He was surrounded by coworkers who weren't too interested in him yet they cared enough to talk to him and give him material as background noise. Changkyun liked to listen and he was the perfect candidate for those who just wanted to talk about anything and everything. Every now and then someone would ask how he was and he kept the biggest details to himself, not wanting many people to know who he really was.

He was busy cutting up tomatoes for a western style omelet that someone had ordered and he felt nausea so strong that he truly wanted to turn and vomit into the trash can that was placed by his work station, but that would not look good in front of the line of customers that were waiting to order from the grill section. It was still early and was breakfast hours and there was an unusually high count of orders of western style foods. He would be fine with that if there wasn't such an ungodly amount of tomato in every dish. Onions too, they were starting to make him cry. 

He was not stationed to cook at this time and was rather using his time to restock and properly prep everything for the day. He had been praised several times by his managers and supervisors about how well he set up and how efficient he was at doing so. Changkyun enjoyed the praise and with more praise came more opportunities to get raises or promotions and he was really aiming for being a supervisor. That was a few extra won on top of his current salary. He would need that, especially if he was going to pay off what was going to be left of his medical bill for the abortion. He was lucky enough that he was still under his parents' name for medical insurance, and with the confidentiality of where it is being processed, Changkyun can use it in order to afford this abortion and attempt to pay off the rest with his own money. Changkyun would have to work hard while he could for that. 

Today was the day he was getting the abortion and he was going to walk to the bus stop right after work to hop on and leave. He hadn't slept in his room the night before to avoid Hyungwon but to his surprise, he had grabbed he needed for the day yesterday. He was sure he would have needed to go back and grab something he may have forgotten but he had proven himself wrong. 

Another order was processed and Changkyun prepped the ingredients before handing them off to his coworker so they could start on the cooking process. The smell of tomato was too overwhelming and Changkyun was really glad that he was getting off in a few minutes, unsure if he was able to survive a few more hours of this. His stomach was really acting up and he was almost certain it was more of the anxiety he was feeling than morning sickness. Getting an abortion was surely scary, but it wasn't his decision that was making him anxious. He was still certain about following through, it was just the procedure that was making him feel a little queasy. It was an abundance of distress on his body and he was going to have classes to attend, he didn't want to miss too much. He couldn't afford to miss another day. 

Changkyun was happy to see his shift replacement walk into work and he felt a wave of relief wash over his body. If he left now, he would be leaving a few minutes early, but he also had a bus to catch in twenty minutes and his manager wouldn't mind. It wasn't like he was leaving half an hour early, it was only three minutes before the hour. And he still needed water to help settle his stomach, and when his replacement came by, Changkyun turned to the new hire and explained himself before leaving the preparation station to sign out at the computer in the back. Once all clocked out and with his backpack on his shoulder, he bid farewell to his manager and supervisor before heading to the drink dispenser. He brought along his cup that had his name written on it along with many doodles he has procured when work was slow. Some were already fading, but that just left more canvas to draw on and create more of what his mind manifested. 

He nodded and smiled at customers that he passed by as he made his way to the drink dispenser. He raised his cup under the spout and pulled on the tab, watching as the clear water filled his cup smoothly. The sight and sound of the water helped soothe his mind and ultimately his stomach. He was feeling much better already and he hadn't taken a drink yet. Being that much closer to getting to the clinic had butterflies in his stomach in the weirdest and tamest way. It was not a happy thing in the slightest, but it was relieving to get rid of this burden. He wouldn't have to agonize over this any longer. 

He felt a presence pull up to his side and his customer service facade immediately perked up, playing this polite role that communicated well with others. It was all a front, something that was never true to his personality. He waited a few seconds longer until his cup was full and then he turned with a large and fake smile to greet the customer. But his smile dropped and he felt his heart in his throat as he identified the 'customer' as Jooheon himself with a determined look and a small smile to come across as friendly. This conversation had to be held in the proper tone or it would never go through and his worst fear would occur. 

Jooheon had been hanging around the dining area out of Changkyun's sight so he could keep his presence a secret. He did not want to overwhelm Changkyun while he was still figuring out what to say to the younger. It would be a disaster if he stepped up with no plan of action and no direct context of his argument. He had to make this as official and mature as possible, given the situation. 

"Hi," Jooheon greeted when he made eye contact with Changkyun, noting the fear and the 'deer in the headlights' looks he was sporting, "It's been a while. I hope you've been doing okay," it had been a week since they had seen each other last and it was just as tense and awkward the second time. All those bad feelings remained and made them feel uncomfortable in each other's presence. 

Changkyun was still processing when his brain spit an automatic answer, "I'm doing well," he mentally cursed as he failed to pull himself together and portray what he hoped Jooheon to perceive. He realized that the hand holding his cup was starting to tremble and his free hand was clenching and unclenching, the pain of his nails digging into his palm. He was starting to panic at this interaction. Being confronted by the father of his child was not how he planned his morning, and it was definitely not how he wanted it to go. 

There was a moment of silence before Jooheon's small smile tweaked down and he held a more serious expression that screamed business and in-depth thought, “I need to talk to you,” it wasn't a suggestion but instead a friendly start, as if anything about this was cordial. Not a single vowel or syllable of that sentence was welcoming nor inviting. 

Finally completing the process of retention of detail, Changkyun frowned and shook his head in realization, taking a sip of his water to cool down, "I don't have anything to say to you, and I don’t have to listen to you either,” he clarified as he took another step, starting to take a step back to the grill to place his cup back and head out the employee exit door. He didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do, that was the mindset he'd possessed this entire event. He didn't have to talk to Jooheon, he didn't have to answer to Hyungwon, and he didn't have to be pregnant. 

Jooheon started to panic when the younger attempted to move out of the way and he stepped in Changkyun's way to prevent further distance. He held his hand out as a friendly barrier but he noticed how Changkyun flinched, afraid it would mean more. That was odd, "I really have something to say to you and I was hoping that we could talk everything through so you don't have to get an abortion," he spoke out loud, "I can talk to you right here and be civil about this," he offered, hopeful. This was important and crucial to his health that he attempt to talk Changkyun out of this. He didn't have to go this far and drastic. 

"No," Changkyun stated angrily, glaring with intensity, "I don't have to talk to you," he reiterated, voice growing deeper the more frustrated he became. He already had a very deep voice, but when strained and angry, it only intensified and dipped lower than necessary. 

Jooheon sighed and forced himself to utter something he was not proud of as he spotted a glance in his coworker's directions. They were in their own world as they worked and not paying much attention to the pair discussing, "If I have to, I will talk to you right here and I’m sure your coworkers would love to hear your little secret,” that was a blatant threat as a last ditch effort to get him to stay and much to Changkyun's chagrin, it seemed to work. The shock in his eyes was indescribable and it hurt Jooheon's heart to have uttered something like that, "I didn't mean it like that though, this is just really important and I don't know how to get you to talk about it," you're so stubborn, he wanted to say, but all that time he had spent sitting at the tables figuring out what he wanted to say went to waste right away due to panic. He'd never had to do something like this before. 

"You don't know how to talk about this because we don't need to talk about this," Changkyun stated as he poured the rest of his water into the drain of the drink dispenser, afraid to send it flying if he were angry enough and judging by how fast he was getting worked up, he was sure his hormones were going to make this all that much worse. He set the plastic cup on the counter and turned back to Jooheon, "You can't make a decision for me about this. What I say goes," Changkyun stated, wanting to stomp out of the vicinity and marching straight to the bus stop, but he still had those full twenty minutes to get out of there. He felt his bus change in his back pocket and the insurance card and his ID in his front pocket, sure he had everything he needed. He could just walk out. 

Jooheon frowned and cleared his throat lightly, not hostile, "Don’t I get an opinion on this?" he asked, "I mean, I helped make this baby," he pointed at a safe distance, limp and afraid that Changkyun would truly bite his finger off if he got too close. Changkyun was pretty small and had a delicate build, but he was strong and could probably tackle him in half a second without even trying. 

Changkyun stood his stance and now both his hands were clenched, palms aching as he hurt his own self with his long nails. Self-harm was quite a repetitive issue he dealt with when the going gets tough and his anxiety controls his actions, but when push comes to shove, Changkyun had to set Jooheon straight, "You don't have the right to an opinion, and I never even told you if it was your baby or not. I never gave you that answer." 

Changkyun was cut short as Jooheon interjected, "You didn’t have to tell me because I already know!" he spoke a little too loudly and communicated a bit too much frustration at the situation. He pinched his own thigh to ground himself and keep cool, finding that Changkyun made him a very nervous person, "And getting an abortion, I agree that it is all up to whoever is pregnant, but I don't agree when it is my baby too," he watched the twitch in Changkyun's left eye as he mentioned 'his baby', "I can't have my first baby just die before I have the opportunity to meet him or her. I want to be able to hold this baby and love him or her, but I can't do that if you won't let this happen," he was almost pleading, hands holding his chest and heart as he spoke to Changkyun, "Just please, give it a chance!" 

A stab to the heart would have hurt less than those words in Changkyun's chest because this was pathetic. He was begging yet wasn't considering what Changkyun would have to go through. He was just like Hyungwon, and his drive was exactly the same. He couldn't help but snap along with the patience in his stomach as it tensed so tightly he had to speak to relieve it, "A chance?!" some of the customers nearby whipped their heads around to hopefully catch a glance of whatever drama was going down close-by, "If I give it any more of a chance then it’s too late! I’d have to go through this pregnancy," he whispered the last word, "and at the end, I would have an actual baby! That I can’t take care of! I’m eighteen, for God's sake, I just started living on my own. I don't even want kids and I have to decide to keep one that is an accident? This isn’t something we can fight through!" by now a group of new passersby were watching this all unfold, but Changkyun seemed unphased and unbothered, "I don't know why you can waltz in here with the intent to change my mind when you have not taken a minute to ask how I or the baby are. So tell me," he started, shifting on his feet as a hand propped up in his chest, the sight concerning due to how red his skin was blooming, "Why shouldn't I get rid of it?" 

"Because it’s my baby too!" Jooheon spoke a little too loudly once again, finding that no matter how calm he sought to stay, it was almost impossible when Changkyun was so stubborn. He wanted to reach forward and grab the younger by the shoulders to shake some sense into him, make him see his side of this all so he could consider the possibility of keeping their kid. But he didn't as he listened to Changkyun continue with his tangent of the argument. 

"And like I said, it’s my body," the younger wasn't even denying the possibility that Jooheon was the father, it was useless now because they both know the truth, "I'm the one who has to grow and birth a baby at the end of everything, has to go through all that pain. This would be so much easier if you didn’t have an opinion and didn't keep shoving this in my face." 

"This is happening to me too and this isn't fair!" Jooheon claimed wholeheartedly with his entire chest. Yet again, he took a step he was not prepared to deal with and contributed to the fire that was growing inside of Changkyun. 

"Is it? Do you have a parasite in your uterus right now? Are you suffering the symptoms? Are you facing the consequences that will lead to the end of all you worked for? No, you aren’t, you have no opinion in the matter," he lifted a hand and pointed right at Jooheon, threatening to jab the older in the chest in a fit, "And even if you say you want the baby now, there's nothing to stop you from walking away at any time. You have that freedom, but then that leaves me alone with the baby, and then that's not fair for the baby or me. I'm not ready to be a parent, I never wanted to be a parent in the first place if I have to remind you!" 

Right, he could leave if he wanted to. Jooheon hadn't considered that option and he had not proved to Changkyun that he would do otherwise, but in his mind, he would never. Having a baby was a big deal and when Jooheon pictured his future when he was all settled down with a good job, he pictured himself with a wife or husband and two or three kids. Having a baby while he was still in college had not been something he thought would happen in a million years, but God had a sense of humor. He could do that, but he had to convince the pregnant father not to terminate this pregnancy. But right now, he was silent and could not wrack a single thing from his brain to try and rationalize anything else. He had opened this can of worms and now there were creepy crawlies and shit everywhere. He had ruined everything. 

Changkyun slid his phone from his pocket and huffed at the sight of the time. Twelve minutes until his bus arrived and it took ten minutes to walk to the closest bus stop. If he wanted to arrive on time and give the bus leeway to arrive early or late, he had to leave now and perceiving how this conversation was proceeding, he could not foresee an imminent finish. There was cash in his wallet and his documents in his pockets. He could just leave, and so he was doing so, "Nothing good can come from having this baby. This delays my education, my time at school that I am paying to attend. This threatens my relationship with my parents. This threatens my income to pay for everything I need. You can't change my mind, I'm leaving," and with that, he shucked his backpack higher on his shoulder and pushed past Jooheon, making sure he bumped the older with half of his body, successfully knocking him off balance. And with that, he was gone in direction of the bus stop with the worst mood he has felt since last week, feeling the familiar pinprick of tears in the corners of his eyes. He had cried too many times over the last few weeks and he was done. 

Jooheon stood in shock, eying the cup that Changkyun had left behind. He studied the different pictures and drawings decorating the otherwise dull plastic and as a kind gesture, he grabbed it and handed it back to Changkyun's coworkers with a solemn expression. He had demolished his chances and there was no turning back. There would be no more baby after today and the fact of this hurt his heart, the pain consuming his chest in copious pricks and stabs. He had failed and it was his fault entirely. 

All Jooheon could do now was wait for Changkyun to return to campus because he did still care about the younger despite past interactions. An abortion was going to hurt him and even though he was getting rid of what Jooheon wanted, he couldn't let him go through that alone. He would like to get to know Changkyun a bit more because now they had history, a very odd and complex one, but history still. He couldn't just forget about the younger, and he wanted to help him out with this entire recovery process. He had helped him into this sticky situation, it was only fair he pull him out of it. He was going to grow up and get his head out of his ass and really try to aid in Changkyun's life, play a role he had failed to portray when they first met all those nights ago. Once again he was going to overstep his boundaries and Changkyun's personal space and meet him after the procedure, stay with Hyungwon in their shared room and give his full support, something he had failed to do before. There was no taking back what he had said, but he could repair his impression on the younger. He was going to make things right. 

Changkyun had a full hour and a half ahead of him before he was arriving at the clinic and the moment couldn't show up any faster. He was so ready to rid his body of this burden that was ruining every aspect of his life, ruining the smallest moments and he was so ready to not feel sick to his stomach every second of the day. He was ready to not feel an ache in his hips and waist and the hormones that left him feeling crazy, and that was within reach. He was honestly excited. 

To help pass the time, he yet again looked over the rules and regulations for a conscious sedation abortion, having requested an invasive procedure to make sure there were no remains of it. He was pleased to see that he had indeed followed every instruction. No eating six hours prior to his appointment and he had only drunk clear liquids. Picture identification and insurance card in his pocket. He had packed a pair of comfortable clothes to change into once he was there, flat shoes and socks already on his feet, and an extra pair of underwear and a sweater. Apparently, he was going to feel cold afterward and keeping warm was going to aid in his recovery. It was all prepared and there was nothing that was going to go wrong, but Changkyun also couldn't help but worry as well. 

Changkyun was getting this abortion to get this all over with so it will be easier on his school and family life, but it was growing increasingly horrifying the closer he was to his arrival. The pain and discomfort he was going to encounter was offputting, but he also kept in mind that he would experience worse pain during pregnancy. There was so much he was going to deal with afterward, equally mental and physical. The physical aspect was obvious as he was rid himself of what was unwanted but the mental aspect was always an afterthought. Guilt, regret, and shame when meeting other people who knew about his choice. Changkyun lived with and around most of the people that knew about everything, the pregnancy and the abortion that was happening and he would have to face them within the day. They would probably judge him and give him dirty looks, make him feel horrible about himself because that's what everyone did to him. 

Changkyun was impatient for this semester to end so he didn't have to see their faces every day in the same living space. It would be a huge relief to be away but now, all Changkyun could think of were the words that both Hyungwon and Jooheon had spoken to him in an attempt to get him to change his mind. While what both Jooheon and Hyungwon had said was insensitive, it was Hyungwon's attempts that really made all the difference to him. What he said was what grounded him in a perfect world, a world where Changkyun didn't have as much anxiety as he did now. 

Even though Hyungwon overstepped his boundaries and forced Changkyun into an uncomfortable situation, everything he had declared indeed manifested thought into his head whenever he had an inkling of pondering on the subject. “This is a huge step and what if you regret getting the abortion? You can’t go back on something like that.”Changkyun had Hyungwon to help remind him of his ideals and that initial thought was always enough to get him to reassess his decision. Even though his conclusion was consistent, Hyungwon was always the one to challenge that and force the younger to think differently. Changkyun was greatly impressed by Hyungwon and even though their history was not the best and had its wars and treacheries, Changkyun couldn't help but think that maybe the older isn't all that bad. Changkyun had every reason in the world to hate Hyungwon, but he didn't. Hyungwon had taken steps to get to know Changkyun and he appreciated that, in fact, was pleased to The logical thoughts and stance fought to keep dominance but they failed to assert and made way his personal instincts and compassion for specific situations. 

Changkyun used to be very different from who he is now, kind and friendly, willing to trust and give second chances to those who messed up but showed the heart to change. Many things had happened since the days he allowed that to happen, many occurrences that had ruined the way he perceived life, but now, by some stroke of luck, his mind was seeing those ways again and was trying to make him see the opposite of what he had finalized. His heart was taking control again and it was scary. hear his efforts. It made him feel worth it and wanted for once despite his past and many instances where he felt he wasn't. 

Don't do it,that's what he was hearing, that was the song his heart was singing, but his brain was still telling him to stop being a romantic and to see the facts.Do it. He was hearing opposite responses and he had no idea what to do with the battle inside of him. So he figured more research was going to give him a better look at what was going to happen to his body during the procedure. More knowledge. He was all for the concept of abortion and the freedom of a person's agency, but the amount of knowledge he had on what his body was going through and how they would dispose of everything removed from his uterus was limited and he figured more insight would give him a clearer answer. As a grounding foundation, Changkyun kept in his mindset that he was still getting this abortion and he was still going to this appointment and not canceling or skipping. Repeating like a mantra, he pulled his smartphone out and passed his Planned Parenthood tab to search up a new one detailing abortion and the true effects it has on him. He would watch videos and read articles and anything he could get his hands on in order to better his mental disposition about everything. 

What Changkyun hadn't been so worried about before or any time in his life was what the baby would go through in an abortion. He had always thought of his own pain and what he would go through and his personal choice, not once giving in to what the actual baby was feeling during the process. But his decision to research further before following through led to the horrific discovery of what was happening to the baby and what would happen to his baby very soon. Videos and articles of every kind detailing different perspectives. 

The first searches that came up with seeking out abortions were the videos of abortions being performed through an ultrasound so anyone watching could see what happens internally. A true nightmare. The thumbnail was already terrifying but a sense of courage led him to click on the link and burn the image into his brain. He'd never cared to educate himself on official abortion procedures and disposal, but now with everything right in front of him and it actually happening to him, he was intensely afraid. He prepared himself for what was ahead and made sure his headphones were plugged in and inserted into his ears. He had no clue what he was going to watch but he was hoping that it would give him yet more answers. That's all he needed right now. 

And after all that research on what happened to the baby, what happened to him, and all the possible complications that can arise following, Changkyun was incurably second-guessing himself and was afraid of what was going to happen. Nothing about any of this sounded pleasing and seeing the way that the infants reacted to abortions and how the invasion causes them pain that they then expressed with their small bodies was heartbreaking, seeing just how doctors removed their entire bodies so easily as if they're nothing. It was all so horrible and while he was still pro-choice, when it's his own baby... it's different, totally different. That little thing is part of him, even though he had never planned on it. It's too much and his heart just took over with the opposite directive of his brain which would ultimately cause more issues for him in the future. He couldn't focus on that part though because there was much more at stake now. 

Changkyun had never spent a lot of time with babies and honestly had no clue how to properly take care of one. Having one was still terrifying and part of him was still considering the abortion, but Hyungwon's words remained at the forefront of his mind. “It’s a living person that has a heartbeat... Changkyun, there’s a person inside of you that just wants to meet you and love you, why waste that kind of potential?” Those stung the most, but it was all true and after watching the doctor tear apart that unborn child inside of the mother, all he could think was that his son or daughter would never receive the chance to breathe the air outside of his womb because he had ripped that opportunity right out of their palm. 

During his research, he discovered that the baby was about the size of a kumquat, and while Changkyun had no clue what that was or the size of it, he was given the visual that the baby could fit in his palm. With a quick glance to his hand, he wanted to cry upon the recognition that the baby was so small in real life. The baby was barely anything and it wouldn't take much to get rid of it, but then looking at developmental pictures, it was harder to think he could proceed with an abortion. 

A fetus at ten weeks along still looks like an alien with a big head and weird little body, but Changkyun's heart was telling him that even when it was odd and honestly ugly, it was still so cute. At ten weeks, a baby has fingers and toes, ears and a nose, and dark little eyes. It's obviously a baby and the idea that that thing was in his uterus was mind-blowing. Pictures of expecting mothers and fathers with their hands on the already forming bumps lined the border of the website he was looking at. All those smiles of pure joy and sparkling eyes and Changkyun couldn't help but resent that because this was no happy thing he could just be elated about. 

Changkyun had no bump, or as far as he knew, he didn't. But then again he hadn't been paying much attention to his lower belly for good reason, and due to this he had not noticed any development. Due to curiosity, he snuck his hand under the material of the sweater he had changed into and the t-shirt underneath, resting his hand on his smooth and flat stomach in search of any new curve. There was nothing he realized which another good reason to get the abortion. There would be no proof or evidence that there was a baby in the first place since there were no major changes in his body. It would be so easy with no more fetus. 

Changkyun was aware that he appears cold to everyone he meets and with his ideology, but really he's still that kind and warm person that he's always been under his hard shell that he fronts for everyone that meets him. There have just been some hardships in his life that made him want to get rid of his issues before they get too difficult or too much of a nuisance, but this is different. He was throwing a literal baby out with the bath and it was with no remorse. 

Upon all this inane going back and forth between options and what he should settle on, he was realizing something that was making him feel guilty and like such a hypocrite. Something Changkyun struggled with for a few years, maybe even before his main issues began. He was mirroring his insecurities in this moment and it made him feel nauseous to think that he would ever do that. More nausea was coming up the more in-depth he thought about this whole ordeal. 

Changkyun had been struggling with feeling accepted and/or wanted every day of his life because he felt as though he was neither in any surrounding given. There had always been that missing link. Not even by his family, finding that his mother and father always discovered something that was never quite right with him. He always felt as though there was something wrong with him, something that made him feel like he wasn't doing enough, wasn't good enough to get to know. 

Changkyun's older brother was the only one who ever gave him that kind of validation, the only one who he ever truly felt loved by. Changwoo was the one who would make him snacks after school and would tuck him into bed at night. He was three years older and far too young to be worrying about that kind of stuff, but he did it all anyway because he loved the younger. When Changkyun was bullied in the third grade by an older kid, Changwoo made sure to beat the kid up as soon as he found out that he was picking on his little brother. He made sure that Changkyun woke up if he fell back asleep before school and made sure he brushed his teeth for three minutes, not skipping out on a single second. Changwoo took so much time to love him, and Changkyun couldn't help but compare his parents to his hyung even though they did their best to raise him. 

Changkyun's mother was loving and she did her job as a mother, but she always criticized his church knowings and how he was while they attended Sunday service and school. Changkyun loved their shared faith, but he found that only the church was true yet the people were not, and his mother was a prime example of that. She was judgmental and gossiped among the other ladies at church, yet she preached to Changkyun to believe in the love aspect of their religion, to give everyone a chance and to not judge. She was a hypocrite and a skilled one at that. His father was better, didn't gossip and was friends with everyone at church, made sure to read the Bible and pray, but he was hateful towards difference outside of their church. To him, homosexuality was a sin that once someone committed to was condemned to hell. This had struck a sense of fear into Changkyun's heart as a closeted, gay man, and he had made sure to never speak of such a thing to either of his parents. 

His parents had always set a theme of hate towards his behavior and always towards him. Both his mother and father were hard to please and their displeasure towards the general population was also directed at their two sons. It wasn't his fault that his actions were associated with such disappointment, especially towards his art and career choice. They had been gracious enough to let him go to school for it with a promised minor in psychology so what he was studying wasn't totally useless, words from his father exactly. From all of this, nothing Changkyun ever did felt like it was good enough. 

And in a way, he's still playing that fault on himself through expectation and association. He wasn't good enough for this baby, but in a way, wasn't he also saying the baby wasn't good enough? He was setting that standard for himself and even te baby. Realizing this fatal flaw, he was doing what he found normal and it was repulsive. It was still his choice and abortion was in no way wrong, but it just wasn't right for him. With all this newfound knowledge, he was deciding finally to not get the abortion and keep this baby. He didn't see this as a fetus or a nuisance, he was seeing this as his baby. That felt nice to say it and mean it. 

He wants this baby, and he is very aware that doing so will cause him hell and a few months of issues upon issues before the baby is even here, but that was better than committing to abortion to him in this moment. Changkyun still believed anyone could make that choice and should do so without facing backlash, but he was not ready for it now and his body was not ready to do something so drastic. But was he ready to take care of this baby by himself? He wasn't so sure about that and he wasn't sure he would ever be ready, but he was going to grow up and take responsibility for his mistake. This baby was an accident, but he doesn't have to treat it as such. 

A stop brought him out of his stupor and he glanced up to discern who was stepping onto the public transit and he couldn't help but wonder if maybe the universe was playing him. A mother and a little girl stepped on, all smiles as the child sang a nursery tune that Changkyun could not decipher. He didn't need to though because it was too cute and it was leaving him with butterflies in his tummy. This little girl had a blue dress on and a pair of matching blue sandals, blue hair ties keeping her hair in curly pigtails. She looked maybe three but Changkyun wasn't the best at gauging age by looks. She held her mother's hand the entire time she walked to the seats they chose and even then she held on. Even her nails were painted a bright, baby blue. 

"Mommy," she squeaked as she played with her mother's bracelet, giggling as the charms clanked together and flashed in the light, "In eight stops we'll be at the ice cream shop," she informed her. 

"That is what I told you before we left," the mother giggled as she smoothed over the soft skin of her chubby cheek, "We'll have to bring some back for Grandma, okay? Don't let me forget what her favorite flavor is."

"Chocolate!" the little girl chirped with a bounce in her seat, "Grandma likes chocolate!"

So innocent and so pure, too good for this world. This little girl was wonderful and again that guilt built up behind his eyes and created a pressure so great be felt like he was getting a migraine. He could have a baby like that and he could teach her or him things that they'll remember and yell out loud on the bus. He could take him or her to church and make friends with all the little kids in nursery. The idea was so cute, but he still had to recall reality. There would be no church going if his mother and father found out. They would surely ban him from ever going to any church ever, make sure of it in the church rule book if there was one. 

His stop was soon and maybe as a last-minute resource, his mind was telling him to go through with the abortion yet again. Relaying all the issues once more, there was no sense in keeping the baby. The contrasting need to keep his baby was still there after seeing this sweet little girl. This was all so difficult, but he needed to get off whether he ended up getting the abortion or switch buses for the other way. So he pressed the 'STOP' button on near his seat and prepared to get up and move off into the stop closest to Planned Parenthood. He passed the mother and the little girl and even offered a smile when the daughter smiled, small teeth lined perfectly and pearly white. It hurt his heart. 

Amazingly enough, the bus stop stopped right in front of the Planned Parenthood on a busy, city street. It was a blessing as much as it was a curse. It would be a blessing if he was sure of his answer, but he wasn't at all. It was a curse because he had no answer and he had no direct plan of action. His appointment was taking place in twenty minutes and he had twenty minutes to decide whether or not he was actually doing it. His heart and his brain were at war and his senses were all askew and ruined. Nothing about any of this felt right, including not getting the abortion. Nothing was right. 

So he walked around the parking lot and behind the building a few times before deciding that he was ready, but he still had no answer. His feet were acting on their own and his brain knew what it wanted before he actually did. This was an issue and he realized this as he walked past the cars in the parking lot, the front entrance, and finally past a lot of the clients in the waiting room. There was no similar customer, of all different shapes and sizes and it gave a sense of comfort for Changkyun. So he was convinced that he was going to check-in for this appointment. But once at the check-in desk, he froze with no words planned to escape. This was all happening so fast and he was confused, feet much faster than his head. 

"Hello," the secretary greeted, a middle-aged man with a sweet smile, "Are you checking in for an appointment?" he asked, readying his hand to check Changkyun into the database. All Changkyun could do was nod and luckily the secretary had noticed and asked next, "What kind of appointment is this?" 

"Abortion," Changkyun muttered, fingers starting to dig into his thigh in an attempt to hurt himself. The anxiety was so nerve-wracking and it was really starting to make his stomach hurt. No nausea, but actual pain that was reaching from above his belly button to his chest. He wanted to curl up into a ball and die, that would be much easier than continuing like this. 

The secretary nodded, "And who are you seeing for the procedure?" he was patient and still looked so inviting as someone working in Planned Parenthood should. He held no opinion on his person and a sense of discrepancy between him and Changkyun. This was a place of no judgment and Changkyun felt that welcoming with a side of panic. 

Changkyun was about to speak the name of the doctor he had been informed of on his first call to the organization, but he couldn't speak the name. If he did, then that would direct him further towards the table he was going to lay on as the doctor removed his baby from his uterus. The secretary looked back up due to Changkyun's silence and this made the freshman in college more nervous. The secretary opened his mouth to speak and in a panic, Changkyun spoke his final answer, "I don't want it."

"Excuse me?" the secretary asked for clarification, brows furrowed. 

"I don't want the abortion," Changkyun clarified, "I'd like to cancel my appointment please," he felt as though he was gargling gravel, still so unsure of his decision. Although, it felt much more final now despite his past thoughts. This had to be it, this had to be the last straw. 

"Okay," the secretary chirped, "Although you did not cancel the appointment 24 hours in advance and there is a fee that you'll have to pay," there was no frown on his face, just an expression that reads how accepting he is. 

"I can do that," Changkyun assured as he readied his card. This would be much easier than using his insurance card and explaining that to his parents if they found out, "Thank you," the secretary smiled and offered up all the information he would need in order to fill out a cancellation fee at the desk. The transaction was completed and Changkyun was sent back to wait for a bus to take him home. Only he waited for two buses to pass before he actually hopped on, too afraid and shocked to really leave and go anywhere. This was bizarre. 

And to his amazement and wonder, Changkyun was incredibly okay with everything that had panned out for him. There was no regret on his part and he felt good about his decision, but maybe that was also part of the adrenaline that was coursing through his veins. He had just canceled his abortion and was now left with the repercussions of having a baby at eighteen years old. What was he thinking? He had no clue, and he still had no clue when he got on that next bus on then rode all the way to campus. The hour and a half that he had been on that bus had not given him an answer, and he still had no answer when he walked into his dorm building and rode the elevator to his floor. He wandered a fair bit once he was super close to his dorm, but eventually, he had to make his way into his sitting area and into his room. 

He had hesitated at the door, noticing how no one seemed to be around. It was still afternoon as opposed to what would have been night by the time he returned to his dorm. Hyungwon was hopefully still in class since his were all later so Changkyun could relax and figure out what he was going to say to his roommate. Hyungwon was going to need an explanation and Changkyun owed him that. He was also going to apologize for how rude he was before and how he had handled their conversations together about Changkyun. Changkyun had no need to apologize since he had just been defending himself and his choices, but his attitude had not been the best while Hyungwon had kept his cool the entire time. Changkyun had a lot to answer for and he was going to make it all right. 

So he pushed the door open and Changkyun didn't know why he was so surprised after all that has happened to him, but he walked past his room door to find Hyungwon sitting on his bed with Jooheon sitting right next to him. Both were staring right at him with looks of concern and that was really expected, for all they knew he had gone with the abortion and was just now coming back. He would need to explain that. 

Both of their expressions morphed into shock to find that Changkyun was perfectly fine. He was standing on his own with no need of support and his skin wasn't ghostly pale. He lacked a grimace of pain and that was the most surprising thing to them. Changkyun looked just as good as he did this morning when he left, no sicker and no iller, just fine. Which could only mean one thing but that was also wishful thinking. Their emotional bank accounts couldn't handle something as tragic as that. 

"Hi," Changkyun greeted with a sheepish smile, tossing his backpack onto his bed but keeping his feet in place, closing the door behind him as well. He kept his eyes down and stood as still as a statue, feeling the tears prick at the corners of his eyes. There was no reason to cry, yet he was starting to and maybe it was chalked down to hormones but he was ready to spill all the tears he had stocked up in his tear ducts. There were a lot of emotions caught in his skin and manor and they were just to release, a poetic catharsis of his own. 

“Did you do it?” Jooheon asked hesitantly, breaking the silence with a sad and heavy voice, as though it hurt to speak. His eyes were downturned in a frown of fear and again, sorrow. Changkyun realized that Jooheon really did care about what was happening despite his past actions and it gave Changkyun a different outlook on this all. He still wasn't a fan of Jooheon in the slightest, but he was going to be cordial since he was the other father of their baby. 

"No," Changkyun uttered almost under his breath and he might not have been heard if Jooheon and Hyungwon were straining so hard for an answer, "I couldn't," it was all he could muster before tears started to fall and he felt his chest heave. He had accepted that truth and he was okay with it, but having a baby was terrifying and he may as well say that he was scratching his future down to nothing. What was he going to do? 

But before there was any more thought on that, Changkyun was being pulled into a hug into a strong and unfamiliar chest. From the sight of the white hair that was tickling his nose and right eye, he could safely guess that he Jooheon was hugging him. The older spoke, "Thank you, thank you. That makes me so happy to hear. I'm literally elated, you scared the shit out of me before," he pulled away to look Changkyun in the eye and while the sight was appalling, Changkyun noticed the glint and sparkle that Jooheon held in both eyes, the way they shined with tears of joy. He meant what he had said and there was no denying that. Changkyun felt like a monster at that moment because he had caused Jooheon so much pain and before he could impulsively apologize, he was being brought in for a deeper hug than before. 

Changkyun never delivered or received hugs, never really gave that opportunity or chance. He only ever got hugs from his family and anyone related to him but that was because they more or less had to give him hugs. He was uncomfortable, that was no lie, but he also enjoyed this huge despite it being from the person he dislikes the most. That was no lie either. He loves a warm hug, loves what a genuine one means and what can be communicated through it. The hug now was warming and he felt a sense of peace wash over him entirely. He was okay. 

Then Jooheon was pulling away and Changkyun was entering a new set of arms, thinner and longer with a taller chest. Hyungwon. 

"I'm so sorry," Hyungwon apologized as he held Changkyun close, "I'm sorry I was so disrespectful and so ignorant. I never meant to upset you and be this asshole of a roommate," the older sniffles into his shoulder a few times before he pulled away in the same way Jooheon had done with more tears and more guilt, "I will always be here for you and I want to prove that to you. Please, let me help you and make this all better because that's all I want to do. Will you let me help you?" he asked incredibly pitiful and serious, meaning every word, "Please, Changkyun."

Changkyun was crying again, harder and deeper. He hugged Hyungwon back, something he hadn't done with Jooheon, and he invited Hyungwon's warmth. He was grateful for Hyungwon really, he was this great guy that was willing to help him through everything to right his mistakes. All he wanted to do was help...

"Okay," was all he could say past the tears he was crying and the emotions that were running through him like a race. Everything was so intense and so crazy and unbelievable nad he wasn't making sense of this because where was he that he was allowed to be this delusional? He had no clue still, "Okay," he reiterated a bit clearer. 

"Good, I'll always be here for you, and that's a promise. You won't ever be able to get rid of me."

Changkyun laughed past his tears, weak and small. He hadn't guessed that he would be pregnant at the end of the day and the rest of the year, but he was and he was staying pregnant for another six months. He was terrified, but at least he had Hyungwon here with him. Hopefully, it would make things that much easier for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever but here ya go! I hope it was everything you imagined
> 
> Also, lots of love for my number one, aanyaa! She seriously helps me with most of anything I write and it wouldn't be this sophisticated of an idea without you. I hope you loved this, N <3


	4. Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when I post large portions of a document it merges some words together and I'm too lazy to look through for those kinds of mistakes right now so I'll do it later

Changkyun decided that he really hates doctors, all doctors really. Even though their job was to heal and improve life for those who need it, they were still pains in the ass for Changkyun. All they did was cause him problems and discomfort. 

He had not enjoyed his visit with the on-campus doctor and he sure didn't enjoy the company of this one either. However, this doctor was his obstetrician and he had no choice but to be friendly and grow accustomed to her presence because he would be seeing a lot more of her up until he gives birth, something else he was not looking forward to. Since he had committed to this whole pregnancy and baby thing, he had no choice but to keep quiet and follow the rules and regulations of something so complex and complicated. Part of which was routine checkups and visits with many doctors. This was all so inconvenient and Changkyun sometimes wondered why he was going through this all when he had that option of ending it. But then he figured that he fell victim to his emotions all too easily when he was by himself. Human nature was a pain to deal with when he had all the logic he needed at his disposal. 

Changkyun was currently at the 'OB/GYN & Health Clinic' that was half an hour bus ride away that the on-campus doctor had recommended to him his first visit there. And while he had not returned to visit that doctor exactly, Changkyun had remembered the details and made an appointment to see the first available OB that could work with his schedule. So here he was now, a first of his soon to be routine checkup and an ultrasound at the end of his agenda. And he was purely terrified and in pure disdain of everything. 

The doctor had taken records at the beginning of the appointment like every other doctor's appointment he'd been to. Weight, height, blood pressure, everything note-worthy. Changkyun was most self-conscious of his weight but he was pleased to see that he had lost two pounds off of his already small frame. Changkyun was never confident in his body and weight loss to him meant progress in his body image and was a boost to his confidence. Morning sickness had its perks evidently in his mind, but his OB didn't think the same way he did and she made that clear with her frown and disgruntled hum. 

"You're bordering underweight and I would like to encourage you to gain some weight," she jotted down the information on her provided laptop where she could write whatever she needed for future meetings with Changkyun, "Since you are so close to being underweight and if proper action isn't taken, there is a good chance of premature labor and a low-birth rate infant. I would advise you to gain at least 28 pounds by nine months of your pregnancy to enforce a healthy baby," she noted with a smile and in all honesty, how could she do that? 

Changkyun was painfully self-conscious of his weight, did not like a number put to it and hearing his weight today, even though lighter than he expected, it still made his chest hurt and his stomach retract as though trying to make himself smaller still. He didn't like others knowing his weight either, preferring that that information stay hidden and for his eyes only. He felt as though that number held a certain power over him and would define him, especially said out loud. Even having his doctors know his weight made him feel anxious and ill. His doctor must have noticed that much because she was speaking again while facing him with a kind and cautious smile, "Gaining weight isn't the easiest thing to do for most expecting mothers and fathers, but there are healthy ways to do so," her smile deepened and oddly enough, it comforted Changkyun immensely, "That doesn't mean eating as much as you can, eating for two doesn't mean doubling up on your meals either. The baby is only the size of a lime, they don't need a full meal to themselves. Gaining weight healthily will benefit both you and your baby and I can help you along the way with that, give you more information on healthy eating while still eating enough. Okay?" her smile was so kind and friendly and Changkyun found himself smiling back, qualms replaced with a still heart. 

"That would be nice," he nodded, and as an extra measure to show his appreciation for her concern, he added a quiet, "Thank you," to which she responded with another smile even though he avoided eye contact. She continued. 

"Now, on my chart, there was just an appointment for confirming the pregnancy, but no official due date was issued, and you told me that you think you're twelve weeks along, correct?" her professional demeanor was so kind spoken still and Changkyun was enjoying her company a bit more even with the knowledge that she knew his weight. She must be magical. 

"I know I'm twelve weeks along actually, I know the exact date of conception," Changkyun corrected as he twiddled his thumbs. He was growing increasingly nervous about what was ahead of him and this was nerve-wracking. He didn't really want to be here, but he could also identify excitement in his system. He was still on the fence about this whole ordeal, but he could not deny that he was excited to have an ultrasound, while he was also dreading the prospect and wanted this over with. There were so many mixed emotions and honestly, he couldn't pinpoint what he was really feeling. He imagined that this is what bipolar disorder felt like to deal with. 

"Well then, if you're so sure, we can do an ultrasound and squeeze in an exact estimate of a due date based off of your claim. Then we'll do some mandatory tests to test for any birth defects such as Down Syndrome. Are you willing to do that today?" it was like this OB could read his exact emotions and Changkyun felt nervous in her presence, but then again, he figured she dealt with a lot of patients in the same situation Changkyun was in. All he could do was nod again, too afraid to speak out loud. This was all so odd to him. Last time he had seen a doctor about his pregnancy, he had been so sure he was getting rid of it, but now he was going to see the baby with the intention to father it. It was absurd and so bizarre, and he was having doubts yet again about his decision. 

Changkyun was instructed to lift his shirt and he did so hesitantly and while he had avoided looking at his stomach, looking at it now he could see a minuscule difference. It was still flat and even concave at his waist as he laid down, but there was a noticeable difference lower in his pelvis. There was a small mound that rounded out just below his belly button. It was so small and almost unnoticeable if you didn't know what his stomach looked like before. It was almost nothing, but with how closely Changkyun observed and criticized his own body, it was easy for him to notice. He wanted nothing more than to hide under large sweatshirts and pretend this never happened, but he didn't have that option. He had to reveal his body for another few minutes so the doctor could do what she needed to do, and then he would be done and could hide as much as he wanted. 

With gloves now on her hands, she braced herself for the next step on the agenda and she knew that this would cause problems from what she had observed from Changkyun already, "I'm going to feel around for the baby and the position of your uterus, and I want you to know that I am not judging anything about you. I am more concerned about the baby than your body," she waited for a few seconds until she received a nod from Changkyun but she didn't miss the look of dread on his features. She wasn't going to state her opinion on his body no matter how good he looked because that was going to make things worse. That meant she was thinking about his body and observing it and with how self-conscious her patient was, she couldn't do that to him. 

She gently laid one hand on his lower abdomen where the small mound was to feel around and as her hand glided across the pale skin, all Changkyun could feel was his skin crawling. The doctor was touching him and it was torturous. His fists were clenched at his sides and he was refraining from shoving his OB's hands away because she was doing her job and feeling around for his and the baby's well being. He wanted to hide away still, but he dealt with it for the time being. She was almost done anyway and when she was she pulled away and smiled, "Your uterus is in a good position and your baby is starting to fill out and grow upward in your uterus towards your abdominal cavity, so you'll start showing soon. And I can actually feel your baby, and like I said earlier, your baby is the size of a lime or a plum, about 2.1 inches long. And now that baby's got pretty much all his or her important organs by now, his or her main job is to keep on growing," she smiled and while Changkyun was still recovering from the embarrassment he felt, he couldn't help but feel pride for the small being in his lower belly, which was so odd to him. A small smile crept onto his lips and it must be the hormones because he felt a small peak of joy at the prospect, "We can move onto the ultrasound if you're ready."

And so they did, some gel was applied to Changkyun's lower abdomen right over the tiny, tiny distention and a wand spread it as the OB checked for the position of the baby. It took a few seconds before she found it and once on the screen, Changkyun felt that same peak of joy while also feeling indifferent as he stared at the monitor to his side. He could obviously see the head and he could even pinpoint the outline of the baby's nose, which his OB made sure to point out a few times. She would point to the body and identify different body parts, but to Changkyun, it was all so faded and grainy that he nodded along even though he didn't see much of anything. He didn't want to speak up for fear that his voice would crack and he would make a fool of himself, "Baby is on the left-hand side of your uterus and your placenta is on the right-hand side," she stated as the body disappeared momentarily while she also pointed at the anatomy of his uterus. Changkyun momentarily pondered on the fact that he was left-handed and he thought that maybe it was the luck of the draw that his baby just so happened to be on his left side as well. It was fleeting, but enough to be a memory to relay later. The rest of the ultrasound, he stared at the head most of the time and traced that nose with his eyes, burning it into the back of his eyelids. He was in a trance, amazed by what was in front of him and considering how this person was inside of him. He had checked out entirely for a bit as he stared at the screen before he was knocked out of his stupor by a soft sound filling the room that steadily grew louder. 

He listened for a bit as he attempted to decipher what he was hearkening before he received his answer through the soft voice of his doctor, "That's your baby's heartbeat," she cooed with a soft smile and Changkyun couldn't help but think that she loved her job with how overjoyed she seemed. 

But he focused on that heartbeat more than anything and he couldn't help but think and feel how mesmerizing it was. His OB was now pointing at the screen where a small, fluttering shape was bouncing along the screen and he realized that was it. The heart. It was so fast and so loud and he was finding himself concerned as he overlooked the joy. Practically was returning and replacing all the positivity and confidence, "Why is the heartbeat so fast? Are they okay?" the concern he felt in his heart was palpable and it was the most felt emotion he had portrayed this entire visit. At least he thought so, hoping he'd hidden the other various emotions he had felt from his doctor. 

"A normal heart rate for a twelve-week fetus is around 120-140 beats per minute, and your little one is sitting at an average of 135 BPM, a very healthy heartbeat. You're doing a very good job, Changkyun-ssi," she smiled happily. Even with his indisposition towards this pregnancy, he was still showing enough care and concern because this was his baby after all and he had made a choice, "You can record the audio on your phone if you would like," she offered, knowing other parents often did so, but she had to remind herself that Changkyun was not like her other patients. He was hesitant and still struggling with acceptance as well as willing himself to show emotion and a personal attachment. 

"A very healthy heartbeat," he murmured to himself, quiet enough to go undetected by his OB, "That's good," he made no move to grab his phone, and so the obstetrician recorded her own copy of the heartbeat for Changkyun's file. She figured recording the heartbeat would be too much for him, made it too real even though it was obvious now. She wouldn't push it, that wasn't the right thing to do. He would process and grow more comfortable as time went by. There were plenty of opportunities for him to catch the later heartbeat samples if he so desired. 

"I would like to think that I have an estimate of your due date, but like I said, it's an estimate and the due date is really up to the baby. Unless you need to be induced which happens about 20% of the time," Changkyun nodded, acknowledging that he was listening and retaining what he was being told. He felt like he couldn't speak, afraid his voice would crack and choke due to the shock of this all, "Based off of your information and the development of your baby, twelve weeks seems correct, and looking at a calendar," she trailed off, typing something into her laptop before turning back to Changkyun, "May 17th seems to be the magic date, but we'll have to see how you progress and consider whether or not that is accurate," she recorded that date in her database to keep on hand for future reference. Everything was going to be based on that date. 

May 17th. That would be after finals are over, but as his OB had noted, the due date was up to the baby who could come early or late. Changkyun momentarily panicked to himself and mentally swore up a storm because when everyone else was going to be focusing on their finals and getting enough sleep while also staying awake long enough to memorize material, he would be getting ready for his baby and preparing to give birth while also dealing with finals stress. He was going to be screwed and he was going to feel the most stress he's had to deal with to date, not even finding out he was pregnant could top that. He was getting into much more than he had initially imagined. 

The OB continued with measurements, measuring the neck of the baby to see if there was buildup around the area. Even with mixed emotions about the baby, Changkyun hoped they were healthy and wouldn't have a disability, even though he knew there was nothing wrong with that. He had a distant cousin with Down Syndrome, it happened. It would just be more stressful since he's so young and in college still, and that being so, he wants things as easy as possible given the circumstances. 

"Everything looks good, but I'm going to take blood samples from you if you don't mind and this will further determine the health of your baby," she smiled invitingly and even then Changkyun just wanted to be done, wanted to go home and take a nap before he had to go off to class. He hadn't gone to work this morning in favor of taking this visit, he wanted to make those hours up sometime this week and he could probably take a shift if someone called in or there was more help needed in food prep. He needed money to pay for this baby. He was already making payments with this appointment that would be billed to his account, "This is always fun, but would you like a printout of your scan to take home with you?" even the patients that came in not particularly excited about being pregnant or having a baby always jumped at the chance to get an ultrasound to take home. Maybe Changkyun would, too. 

And to be honest, Changkyun almost turned down her offer. It seemed too personal to have a picture of his baby to keep with him as though he was excited about everything, but he suddenly remembered that he can be vulnerable here. He was allowed to feel things and maybe he was obligated to, but part of him also wanted it. It would be nice to look at, he couldn't deny that. It would be a picture of his baby, and more specifically a picture of his baby inside of him, and that was really cool. He was free to do parent things and he figured that the least he could do is receive the first picture of his baby readily. Afraid to speak still, he nodded and the smile he received was all too comforting. His OB was good at her job. 

She removed the wand from Changkyun's middle and moved to grab paper towels before clearing up her own equipment, "You can clean yourself up and after the blood sample I'll escort you back to the waiting room to speak with the secretary about setting up our next appointment," she was smiling still, happy to see how much better Changkyun appeared in comparison to his first few minutes at the clinic. 

Changkyun tentatively took the paper towels and quickly wiped off all of the sticky gel before sitting up, keeping his eyes trained on his flat stomach. There was no bump at all anymore as it disappeared with his good posture, completely flat and no curve to showcase his developing pregnancy. He wasn't showing yet, there was no difference in his body, but there was a baby in there and he had proof. That proof was going to be in his hands in a short few seconds, and he hated that. 

The ultrasound made it all real, made it concrete. There was a baby coming and part of him still wished he wasn't pregnant but all this personal relativity made this all that more complicated. He was excited, but it was a dreadful type of excitement. He had never wanted kids and now he had made that choice to keep this baby, so who was he to complain? He'd made his decision and there was nothing more he could do without feeling morally wrong about it. Maybe being excited was part of his brain attempting to convince him that this was okay, but his stomach and ill-feeling was always a reminder that this was not exciting, but instead terrifying and still not right for him. Nothing seemed right. 

His blood was taken fairly quickly with his desire to not watch what was happening to him. Needles and blood were not his favorite things to watch, look at, or be near, always making his stomach feel queasy and uneven. With the verbal promise from his OB, the samples were taken speedily and he was patched up to obscure the sight of his new wound. Making sure that Changkyun was stable, the OB then led him to the waiting room, speaking with the secretary about Changkyun's next appointment and his next ultrasound. His next appointment would be at sixteen weeks and the next ultrasound at twenty weeks. Hopefully, they'll be able to find out the sex then and that piece of news was overwhelming as well. Changkyun would be able to find out if he was having a boy or a girl and that was still frightening. He would be responsible for that one little girl or boy for the rest of their life. It was a whole new step in maturity that Changkyun didn't know he would be facing so soon. 

While at the front desk, Changkyun wrote a note in his phone about the details of his next appointment and at the end of it all, he was handed another file with even more information about his pregnancy, this time including a copy of the ultrasound. He didn't take a look at the little print like his OB had thought he would and instead moved to place the file into the backpack he had brought with him. She made no comment and instead sent her patient off on his way back to campus. It had taken until Changkyun was sitting at the bus stop for him to take a peek at the scan print out and once he laid eyes on it, it was hard to look away. 

While at the front desk, Changkyun wrote a note in his phone about the details of his next appointment and at the end of it all, he was handed another file with even more information about his pregnancy, this time including a three-level copy of the ultrasounds taken. He didn't take a look at the little print like his OB had thought he would and instead moved to place the file into the backpack he had brought with him. She made no comment and instead sent her patient off on his way back to campus with a warm goodbye and the hopeful request that he return in a month to check his progress. He swiftly departed the building and it had taken until Changkyun was sitting at the bus stop for him to take a peek at the scan print out and once he laid eyes on it, it was hard to look away. 

It was fascinating, his name and birthdate in the upper left-hand corner while the image of his baby sat right in the middle. The outline was still so clear even on such a blurry picture and that nose was still so visible and prominent. He would like to say it was his nose and an odd sense of pride filled his chest at the thought of the baby mimicking his looks, "Baby," he uttered to himself, keeping quiet in case anyone nearby was to hear him, even when he was alone at the bus stop. Saying that out loud further established the fact of its existence without making him feel like total shit about the situation. This was his baby. 

After all the emotions he had felt within the past half hour and the emotions he was feeling now, nausea was settling into his stomach and he felt as though his small breakfast was going to come back up and betray him. He placed his file back neatly into his backpack and pulled out the plastic container of cinnamon gum that Kihyun had given him specifically for this reason. He popped two pellets into his mouth and chomped away as he waited for his bus, happy to see that it was helping his stomach by the time his bus pulled up to his stop. Part of him wanted to avoid Kihyun due to his knowledge of his pregnancy, but the older was kind and very helpful. He liked Kihyun a lot and he didn't mind him. He was very thankful that Kihyun was willing to help out and had been kind to him even before Chankyun was pregnant. It was all pleasant and it made his day just a little bit more tolerable. 

There was another half-hour until he would be arriving at the closest bus stop to campus and he was exhausted, head starting to take on that familiar twinge of a fatigue headache. He had enough time to take a power nap if he was careful and set an alarm ten minutes before his stop arrived. It would work and it would give him his day's nap since one before bedtime was out of the question. He was too busy for another nap even with how tired he was. He was constantly exhausted all the time no matter how much he slept at night. There was too much during the day that he had planned, class and work, and then adjusting more to living on his own in college. Seeing this as his opportunity, he made himself as comfortable as possible in the public bus seats and let himself drift off into a sleep that was restless but enough to make him less fatigued. He had twenty minutes ahead of him of not caring enough to stay conscious, maybe twenty-five if he was feeling brave. 

Once there, Changkyun had class in another half an hour and he was so lucky that his dorm was so close to the building where his Korean Literature class was. He'd needed that humanitarian credit in order to graduate, but it was so boring and so easy. He found himself nodding off in that class more and more throughout the last few weeks and he was starting to worry that his participation points would be knocked off his final grade. His short nap on the bus had helped him greatly and he was going to take the next few minutes to look on his phone and relax, feign rest, maybe talk to Hyungwon a bit if he was awake. Changkyun would normally be at work at this time and he had to call off again, much to his manager's annoyance. Changkyun would have to tell him soon that he was pregnant so that there would be a reasonable excuse as to why he was missing so much and why he'll have to take a break in a few months. His manager was kind and patient, and Changkyun knew it was illegal to discriminate against a pregnant employee, so maybe he was totally fine for now. As long as he could continue working and do his job properly. 

There was still so much to think about, but first, Changkyun had to enter his room and relax before his next class. And evidently, speak to Hyungwon since he was awake when Changkyun walked through their room door. 

As soon as his head peeked past the door, he caught sight of Hyungwon awake and out of bed already. He was getting dressed, pulling a pair of jeans up his legs with his back facing Changkyun in the doorway. Getting better at speaking and opening up to his roommate, Changkyun figured he could talk to him a bit before the older goes off to wherever he's about to go and before he left for his class. Although, it seemed a bit difficult after something as monumental as that ultrasound was, leaving him unable to think about anything else as the topic of conversation. He didn't want to exclusively mention that he had just been at the prenatal clinic, he figured he could talk about something else instead of solely focusing on his appointment. His life was going to be consumed by babies soon, he didn't want that to be everything he talked about just yet when his child wouldn't be here for another six months. He would talk about it if asked, but he wanted that freedom of his own still. 

"Hey, Changkyunnie!" Hyungwon greeted when he looked over his shoulder, momentary bewilderment turning to a fond smile as he addressed the younger, "Why didn't you come back to the room after work?" he inquired, albeit cautiously. He was still within the boundaries he was setting between him and Changkyun as a show of respect, as a way to communicate that he still cared and wasn't trying to force anything on the younger. He had a lot of trust to build still with the younger and had a lot to prove to him still, "Did you stay later to help out a bit more?" 

Changkyun usually came back an hour and a half before his next class to work on some homework since he was never scheduled for very long on school mornings. But today he had managed to come back an hour later and that was a bit of a warning sign for Hyungwon that left him hoping his roommate was okay. Changkyun was hoping he wouldn't notice his extended absence and that he could slide by this whole ordeal for now, but making up false excuses to share with Hyungwon wouldn't prove helpful either. Telling him the truth, although not favorable, was the best option, "Not today, I didn't," he answered, lowering himself onto his bed and sighing at feeling relief in his lower back. He hadn't even known there was discomfort to feel in the first place. He wasn't even that pregnant yet, was he? 

"I don't mean to intrude but where were you then?" Hyungwon asked cautiously as he turned to sit at his desk, peering into the small mirror that sat there. He grabbed a spoolie brush and started to work on his thick eyebrows, making sure that every strand was styled to the shape of his eye with attention. He was distracting himself from pressing Changkyun for more information by concentrating on his looks. His makeup for the day was minimal but even minimal was striking for him and his model-like features. Hyungwon was gorgeous and in that moment, Changkyun found himself distracted just by Hyungwon's looks and how puffy his already thick lips were in the morning. He could only wish to look as handsome as his roommate and held an air of confidence like he did. Then maybe this would be easier for him and he wouldn't have to guard himself so much when he was given every opportunity to open up and share, "Off on a date?" he asked jokingly and with a friendly smirk, knocking Changkyun from the cloud of deprecation he'd perched himself on. 

A sad smile crossed his lips, directed at the back of Hyungwon's blonde head of hair, "Hyung, I can't be going on dates like this," Changkyun stated matter of factly as he moved to lay on his back in hopes that it would help stretch out his body. He curled an arm behind his back under the natural curve of his spine, using the flexibility of his shoulders to his advantage in supporting his sore body, "That's hella baggage and super complicated for another person to deal with. I don't think I could go past a first date," not that he wanted to any time soon. He had a baby to think about. He didn't have time to think about another person.

"It could be fun though, could distract you for a bit," Hyungwon offered as he grabbed concealer next, applying where needed, "Just find a nice guy to take you out to dinner and a movie, maybe get him to pay and then get ice cream. You're pretty cute and you could get a few dates by the week's end, I just know it," Hyungwon encouraged, turning over his shoulder with a kind smile to face Changkyun, "Just one date is all, you don't have to talk to him afterward. Or her if you want a change in pace," Hyungwon smiled cheekily. His sexuality had never been a hot topic between them, but Hyungwon couldn't pinpoint anything because sexuality was a wide spectrum, "Or any other non-binary gender you are interested in, it doesn't matter. Everyone is welcome in this house," he joked with a delicate chuckle.

It was nice to hear something like that after living a life in the shadow of homophobic parents. His feelings and beliefs were being considered and it was amazing, for lack of a better word _,_ "I'm good, I don't think I'll be going out with anyone soon, there's too much to think about and consider. You must understand that," he had to, Hyungwon had seen first hand how difficult this was. Changkyun was incapable of doing so much out of his comfort zone at once, "Besides, it's been a while since I've been out on a date," last time he had dated someone, it didn't end very well and had left him with mental and permanent scars, "I can't. It's too much to handle right now."

Hyungwon didn't urge him any further, Changkyun had given a definite answer and he couldn't force him to do anything different, "So where were you then? If you weren't with anyone date-worthy?" Hyungwon had finished up with his makeup and had now turned in his chair to face Changkyun, full attention on his roommate. He gave a kind smile, one he seemed to dish out often, wide eyes soft and inviting. He was non-judgemental and Changkyun could trust him entirely, even after everything that had happened between them was not in their favor. Hyungwon, hopefully, wouldn't hurt him anymore, even unintentionally. 

Changkyun moved to sit up, slowly since there was a twinge in his back still and decided that evading the inevitable was useless, even with how much he wanted to just forget all of his misfortunes. Changkyun folded his hands at his knees and avoided Hyungwon's eyes, hesitant to see his reaction but it was more for him to gain his composure and to grasp the situation for himself. It was all still processing for him too and he'd had much more time to do so than Hyungwon, "I went and saw the OB today," there was a moment of companionable silence between them as Hyungwon retained his breath, not wanting to interject and create a scene. Changkyun continued hesitantly, "I have a due date,” he paused and while Hyungwon wanted to press for more information, he denied himself that opportunity to gift Changkyun time, “and I got to see the baby.” 

Changkyun thought that he would feel his insides curl up and twist his stomach enough that he would need to go to the bathroom and throw up after mentioning the word baby to someone else, but nothing happened. Hyungwon wasn't revolted by him or the prospect of his child, wasn't rioting or voicing his distaste either. He was fine, normal, sitting there like he usually did, except with a look of shock and awe, pleasant surprise rounding out his eyes further and leaving that little, upwards tilt in his plump lips and a slight scrunch in his nose. His eyes were filled with adoration for Changkyun and it was heart-warming, reassuring. He felt like he could fall vulnerable yet again and that was also unsettling since this would be the second time within the last hour or so. Changkyun was never this comfortable with anyone besides his older brother. This was all so new, yet so simple to him.

"Did you really?" Hyungwon questioned, dumbfounded entirely. His mouth was hanging wide open with a delighted and open-mouthed smile sporting his exhilaration. The smile was out of character not because Hyungwon wasn't often happy, but because he didn't often express his happiness in such an eloquent way. His heart was on his sleeve and there was no doubt that he was purely joyed over this pregnancy, which was so bizarre to Changkyun, "Did you get print outs of the baby?" he asked next, moving the slightest bit closer in anticipation. His eyes were so round and excited as though he was a kid in a candy store and now it was Changkyun's turn to be shocked, a bewildered nod following his inquiry, "Can I see?" he asked next, hands itching to hold onto that delicate paper to study the image he could only imagine for now. He was going to be looking at his  _roommate's baby_ very soon.

Changkyun hadn't even planned to show anyone the ultrasound print he had received, leaving that for his eyes only since it was so personal. But he figured that if Hyungwon asked and with the pure emotions he was depicting, there would be no harm in doing so. All Changkyun could articulate was a short, "Okay," before he was reaching for his backpack that was sitting at the foot of his bed. Hyungwon had allotted space between them in respect for Changkyun's preference for seclusion and personal space. The younger was stepping out of his comfort zone majorly for him. 

Changkyun carefully removed the file before picking out the scan print, taking his own time to glance over the details and trace the shape of the nose again. Eventually, he handed it to Hyungwon to look at and the reaction was immediate. The confidence Hyungwon had in Changkyun was warming and it had the younger smiling in satisfaction? Endearment? Returned adoration? He couldn't quite identify the emotion he was feeling, but it was becoming and pleasant.  

"That's my baby," Changkyun mused and the statement shocked both parties in a positive way. Hyungwon was glad to see that Changkyun was accepting this baby with an open heart and Changkyun was glad to see that this baby was taking its effect on him even when life was so difficult and complex. He was going to father it in a few months and growing accustomed to the thought of their presence was for both of their benefits. 

"Wow, Kyunnie," Hyungwon cooed as he took a long, thin finger and felt alongthe smooth and waxy quality of the printout. Changkyun watched as the older traced the shape of the face, taking extra time to curve over the nose just as he would have done, "They're gorgeous already," he claimed and maybe that was an overstatement because it looked more blob than baby, but Changkyun wasn't going to oppose the claim, "Seriously, you're doing such a good job with this baby, don't you realize that?" he asked with a glance in the younger's direction, "They're healthy and strong and doing so well. I'm so excited to see them when they're actually here and not just a picture in my hands. It hurts how much I'm looking forward to this," his shoulders shook in excitement and Changkyun appreciated hearing some positivity on his part and how well this is all going still. It was really something Changkyun needed to hear the most right now.

And while Hyungwon is a little more excited than Changkyun initially anticipated, it also set something strong, foundational, and crucial in Changkyun's heart that he believes he will no longer doubt. Everything and all the events that have led up to now just proves further that Hyungwon truly cares about him and that Changkyun shouldn't be as guarded as he is with the older. He somehow knew that Hyungwon will and would forever keep his word and he should open up and trust in him, even with past events. He would help his mental state greatly. 

Studying his expression, Changkyun watched as Hyungwon's smile dropped and he turned to face the younger with the intent to press for an answer. Changkyun had no time to ask questions before he was asked one instead, "Did you go alone?" the older adopted a look of concern and for some odd reason, Changkyun felt guilt wash over him. He needed to deliver an answer for both of their sakes. 

"Yes, I did," it was cautious confirmation, afraid to upset his friend due to his choice to keep his privacy even when he does need that kind of support. 

Then in a surprise twist, Hyungwon's eyes melted into puppy dog eyes and he pouted in despair, "Why?" he sounded hurt as though he expected more from Changkyun. 

"Because I didn't want to bother you," Changkyun honestly answered. He had considered inviting his roommate to tag along, but the guilt of doing so and the desire to be alone outweighed the pros of having someone there for any support. He had briefly considered inviting Jooheon, but he still wasn't fond of the older. He had a right to tag along since this was also his child, but Changkyun hadn't been able to do it. It was best not to invite someone who was going to make him feel uncomfortable the entire time when comfort was a must for him. He had made the correct decision in the end, but it was a dilemma for him that he was going to battle with the entirety of his pregnancy. He had made a promise to himself on the bus back to campus that he would invite the older to his next appointment, no matter the circumstances because Jooheon had the right, even when it was still Changkyun's choice. He wanted to be more inclusive and if he turned down the offer, then that was okay too. 

Hyungwon's emotions were quite expressive as his pout morphed into something that was still so warming and alluring, an expression that was willing to assist, "If you were to ask, it wouldn't bother me at all," he was sympathetic and informative, "If you ever need me to come with you, go along to your appointments at all then you can just ask," he lowered the still raised ultrasound print and tentatively settled his hand on Changkyun's knee, a reassuring rub with his thumb over his jeans and while Changkyun would usually reel back at such contact, he turned into it and it was both shocking and enjoyable, "I am here for you, I thought I had made that clear earlier..." he trailed off, wondering if he was doing a bad job as a friend but Changkyun was quick to console his roommate's own insecurities. 

"You had, hyung, but I think it was good that I went alone. Gave me a bit of a chance to think things over and process what's really happening," he assured with a low voice, hoping he wasn't making things descend into a fight or a scuff. Speaking to others was not his forte, and that was evident, "I didn't think you'd want to deal with so much emotional baggage." 

Solace took over Hyungwon's entire being, "You're not on your own, I can promise you that, Changkyun," Hyungwon smiled and God was he gorgeous. Changkyun couldn't help but feel a little jealous that he wasn't as blessed as the man right next to him. His boyfriend was a lucky guy, he would have to tell him that the next time he saw him. If he mustered enough confidence. 

"I also don't want to put all of that on you," Changkyun pouted, guilt clouding his eyes. He reached out for the printout and Hyungwon handed it back reluctantly, wanting a few more seconds to study the image but respecting Changkyun's limit. There was a new edge to Changkyun that was familiar to Hyungwon, he was building his guard up and growing restless. He wasn't going to challenge that as his persona evolved. Changkyun took the print and lifted himself from the bed to walk towards his desk to find a spot to put the ultrasound, maybe hidden in one of his books that sat on the shelf or hidden in his drawer. He would find somewhere to hide it. While at it, he grabbed his bag on his bed and placed it in his desk chair. He had ten minutes left until he had to leave for class and he still had to grab the correct textbooks he would need for class. 

But another item of business he had on his mind was worth bringing up while on the subject and thinking about other things, "And I don't think you'll need to worry about me for much longer because when I leave things can go back to normal for you," what a bomb to drop and the expression on Hyungwon's face said it all, all the unspoken questions and all the solicitudes. He needed an explanation and so Changkyun went right into it, albeit quiet and wary, "I think it would be better if I didn't renew my contract for the next semester and instead start looking for off-campus housing. It wouldn't be a good idea to renew it if my due date is so close to the end of the next semester." 

"The semester ends May 9th, when is your due date?" Hyungwon asked, interest peaking and showcasing in full force. He was braced on the bed, unsure of what to do with his body at the time. 

"May 17th," he answered and honestly, that was such an odd thing to admit, talking about it so matter of factly and casually in relaxed conversation. Words like baby and due date, as if that's normal for college students to be discussing, "I really need to move off-campus and I should be looking for a house. And then after that, maybe an apartment not affiliated with the school so I'm not bothering anyone and not violating any contracts since there will be both a baby and me to sign on," it also felt very bizarre to discuss something like this with Hyungwon when he never felt like he could talk about this with anyone before. Yet, the older seemed to genuinely care about him and his well being when not that long ago Changkyun was never going to speak to him again. Hyungwon was so kind and patient and was willing to wait and listen to Changkyun, and he appreciated that so much. Hyungwon was pure and loving and how could Changkyun ignore that? "I'll have to convince my parents about the housing part because there's no negotiating with this kid,"  _this kid_ filtered through his head for a second and his stomach suddenly felt so much heavier as though there was a rock sitting in it. His kid.

"Wait wait wait," Hyungwon interrupted as he hopped up from the bed to stand closer to where Changkyun was standing, finally having heard enough, "You're going to leave? But why?" he sounded offended and Changkyun was confused now. 

"Why? Because of the baby!" he evoked, dumbfounded, "You won't want to live with a baby and I, it would be a nightmare." 

"Why do you think that?" Hyungwon asked, gesticulations wide and ridiculous as he expressed his sudden frustration. 

"Why wouldn't I think that?" furrowed brows were sported and bewilderment was all he could feel at this odd display of enthusiasm. 

"I don't know if you've truly noticed, or if this is hard for you to comprehend, but I really like you, Changkyun. Our relationship hasn't been that long but you must understand that I've committed myself to this friendship," he paused, thoughts processing entirely before it was clear and he spoke what he wanted to do, even though it was impulsive as a request, "If you move out, I want to move out with you," Changkyun's sharp eyes widened in shock because that was ridiculous, "We could find a house together with a nice landlord and just live together and be the best of friends. You can't get rid of me that easily, ImChangkyun."

Changkyun would have retaliated, but he was intensely confused at how everything was panning out. It was an immediate revelation that he was feeling this way due to the lack of such commitment in his life. He wasn't used to someone going out of their way to stay by him so fully. Why would Hyungwon work so hard to keep him close? He doesn't understand. It would be so much easier for the older to just let him go and go back to enjoying being at college and doing normal college things. He shouldn't be worrying about a baby and keeping his roommate happy that he only met three months before, "Hyungwon hyung, you don't want to do that. You really don't," it was an odd sense of clarity or assumption but Changkyun felt he may have figured out Hyungwon's intentions. He felt that Hyungwon feels like he  _has_ tobe so patient and helpful, because no one is that kind in nature, "You don't have to pretend to care so much. It would help us both in the long run if you come to your senses now rather than later when things get really difficult." 

Hyungwon huffed and sighed dramatically, "I'm being genuine and I wouldn't say anything if I didn't care, hasn't that been obvious?" it had been made obvious, it had also been uncalled for because Changkyun wasn't his responsibility, "I mean it because you are the first roommate who hasn't driven me crazy by now. You're a considerate person that has helped me out and you haven't even noticed it. I would be an idiot not to stick with you. You're like, my favorite person besides Hoseok. Honestly." 

And while Changkyun would have normally called bull shit, his heart was fluttering due to the look in Hyungwon's eyes. The eyes were the window to the soul and hiswere all-telling. Every word he meant and it was heart-warming, never having felt this cared for in his life. Only by his brother really, "Babies are noisy and loud. They'll wake up at night and by extension, you'll wake up and lose sleep with me. Babies are stinky and weird looking and need a lot of attention, you won't even see much of me. It will be like living with a zombie." 

Hyungwon shrugged and smirked, seeing right through Changkyun's attempts at changing his mind, "I’ll like it better off-campus anyway. We won't have a curfew and I can stay out with Hoseok longer, I can drop my meal plan and make some real food instead of cafeteria food. And most importantly, I can be there for you if need be. It will get harder for you to get groceries and walk to campus when you're huge and clumsy," and he had a point. Changkyun would really need the help later on and he didn't think he could ask anyone to help him out like he could Hyungwon, "I'll be right there to help you every step of the way." 

"Are you serious though?" he asked, "Are you willing to go through all this crazy shit for just me?" 

Hyungwon chuckled, eyes taking on a crazy, incredulous look. Unbelieving, "Of course I am! You're like my best friend!" he claimed suddenly. Changkyun had never had a best friend before, if this is what having a best friend felt like. It was terrific and it gave a warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest, "You're not getting rid of me that easily. Even if you move off campus, I'll still visit and bother you."

Changkyun huffed and while he didn't want to ruin Hyungwon's life, he also appreciated the sentiment, "Hyungwon, you have to think about this, you really do."

Hyungwon's face sharpened in sincerity and he stepped closer to Changkyun, making sure they were as close as possible without making it uncomfortable, "I have, it doesn't take that long to take my feelings into account and the thought of you not being there for me hurts. I've made my decision, and that's final. Take it or leave it."

Changkyun glanced at his phone momentarily to check the time and he was going to be late if he didn't leave now, so he guessed he would have to go along with it, "I'll take it for now, but I do have to leave for class or I'll be late. I need participation points to really pass, but we're going to talk about this more tonight. Be ready to change your mind when we're both in this room next." 

\-------

Changkyun's indisposition on his current situation evidently didn't reign the discussion as the two ultimately decided to find a house together off-campus with campus rules and regulations, meaning less pay and more stability. Hyungwon had made convincing arguments as to why they should live together and Changkyun convinced himself it wouldn't be half that bad having a roommate who actually cared for him rather than having a roommate who he would ignore due to his social anxiety. So everything was settled rather quickly and here the two were in Hyungwon's car on their way to their third house of the day for a scheduled appointment with the landlord. It had been a surprisingly easy process to set up appointments with all three houses, but Changkyun guessed the landlords were really searching for tenants to pay rent on their empty student houses. Money was needed and Changkyun could relate painstakingly.

The other two houses were cute and cozy, but they weren't the best options for their tastes. In the first one, there were too many people living there at once and that left Changkyun feeling uncomfortable as well as Hyungwon but to a lesser extent. It left Changkyun feeling exposed to too many eyes and they bore into his soul, searching for any crumb of gossip to spread among themselves. His presence was something for all of those tenants to feast on and pick apart until there was nothing. The second house was very nice and had plenty of room for them to grow, but it was too expensive and a bit too far from campus. Changkyun wanted to be closer to minimize the amount of walking he would have to do in the winter semester when it was cold and when he would be huge. Hyungwon had offered to drive him to campus whenever needed, but there could be possible schedule conflicts and it would be difficult to arrange around that when they could try to find a place closer to minimize gas payments and conflict. Hyungwon ultimately agreed and they left with a maybe as their answer, no intention to return. 

House hunting was proving more difficult than initially anticipated and Changkyun was beginning to think that maybe this wasn't worth it, but that was also due to his own physical welfare. He was exhausted despite the full night of sleep he'd had and he was sure he was getting a headache too with how his right temple was starting to ache, he also needed to pee even when he peed at the last house ten minutes ago. He was stuck in Hyungwon's car now and had nowhere to escape until they made it to their next stop that was a few minutes away. Pregnancy really sucked and that was a fact he was living with. 

Hyungwon was keeping him aware and on his toes though, mentioning the baby and the fall semester of the next year when he would be in school with a baby. Changkyun didn't want to think about it now when he still looked 'normal' and when he had more important things to think about now, but Hyungwon sure wanted to. His next question was startling and it was something Changkyun really didn't want to think about or even utter to the older this early on. It was asked after the older had been verbally fantasizing about living together after their summers being at home. The mention of 'home' and their parents had triggered a question that was very personal and intrusive to Changkyun, unbeknownst to Hyungwon, "Are you telling your parents?" 

It was a valid question, but one that was very personal and asked at the wrong time. Changkyun wanted to shut down and not say anything, drown in his own misery and mental pain, but those weren't alternatives. He licked his lips and sighed in frustration and ponder. He wanted nothing more than to keep quiet, lock all the frustrating words he wanted to utter inside and keep them hidden, "No, at least not now," he settled on. They don’t need to know yet, that was his foundational base. They’ll know when he starts showing, but it’s his problem right now, not their’s. And what if something happens to the baby before he thinks he's ready to tell them? It’s still early. What if he tells them and causes drama and it’s for nothing? He doesn’t want that kind of attention from his parents right now, and that kind of attention would be toxic and hurtful. He had enough to deal with right now, "I have plenty of time to tell them before it's too late. Now's just not a good time to do that." 

Noting the dejected tone in his voice, Hyungwon abandoned it and nodded as he turned onto the next street, checking his phone propped on the dashboard to make sure he was following the map correctly. Their appointment was soon, he didn't need to get lost. A few seconds passed with a dismal feeling in the air and it was suffocating, stifling his thoughts. Hyungwon meddled a boundary and it was untimely to do so when they were looking for a temporary house together, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you mad," he trailed off, clearing his throat in an ungainly attempt as pacifying his mistake. 

Changkyun sighed, "No, you didn't," he affirmed as he shifted slightly in his seat in an attempt to make things appear lighter than they felt, "It's just not something I want to talk about," Hyungwon meant no harm, he knew that. He liked to talk and from their time together, he knew how nosy Hyungwon was. 

Hyungwon frowned and hummed, disgruntled, "Still, I should have known that it wasn't something you're too open to talk about," he glanced over again, eyes downturned in error before turning back to the road, "You have boundaries and I disregarded that. Sometimes, I speak my thoughts and that has ended up hurting you before." 

"Hyung, don't worry, just maybe ask a question like that at a better time, okay? When we're in the safety of our room," Changkyun suggested as he shrugged his shoulders and twiddled his thumbs. The room was his safe space and it was always easier to speak up there when he had things on his mind. Want him to talk? Take him to his room and make him feel comfortable, "Besides, we have other things to focus on, like our turn being right here," he pointed quickly, noticing the flashing red on the screen of the older's phone and the numbers of the house they were looking for close by. Hyungwon was quick to slam the breaks of his car and they were both jolted as Hyungwon righted himself, not too violently but enough to make Changkyun nauseous. A quick and nervous apology escaped Hyungwon's mouth at rapid-fire but Changkyun had waved it off, too afraid to open his mouth in fear of vomiting. The movement really rocked his stomach, like an earthquake in his torso. He exited the car as swiftly as possible in hopes of gaining some air back once they were parked. Outside and catching his breath, regulating his breathing, he got a good view of the house they were going to visit. 

The house was cute, red brick and cream paint, welcoming and warm. It had steps leading up to the front door, one story with a chimney protruding from the roof. There was a flower box built into the wall under the window in the front and red poppies grew from the soil, well kept and elegant. It was gorgeous, and not to mention perfect. It was so close to campus, close enough that Changkyun was within walking distance of his classes and workplace. Even though Hyungwon has a car, it would still be perfect if Hyungwon wasn't able to take him to class or work every time he needed to leave. Changkyun hadn't seen the inside, but he had a gut feeling that this was  _his_ house. This was the one, and Hyungwon seemed to think the same as he cooed and pointed at everything he liked about the house and voiced how much he loved it without even taking a look inside. Changkyun had been smiling, pleased by the aura it was delivering, and he momentarily imagined how nice it would be to raise his baby in this house, and if not his one, a house just like this. But that was unrealistic and unattainable at this point. Life had rules and he was not within the standards of it by any means. 

The landlord had already been waiting at the house for the appointment and after knocking on the door to the house, the tour immediately started once they were greeted. Changkyun and Hyungwon were walked through the entire space and shown every room, amenities included. It was a lot to take in at once, but everything about it all seemed so perfect and it was by far the cheapest price for monthly rent. Changkyun would need to save up as much money as possible if he wanted to survive the next year, and even longer when he has a baby to care for. 

He'd already looked into the price of formula and it was expensive... a yearly average was close to 2,000,000 won and that almost gave him a heart attack. His job was a little over minimum wage, there was no way he was going to make that cut. He'd have to do his best at his job to get a promotion and by extension, receive a pay raise. He would definitely need Jooheon's help, even though he would like to avoid doing so as much as possible. The responsibility of this all weighed the most on him and there was nothing he could expect. He didn't want to expect anything from anybody. 

Halfway through the tour of the house, they reached the room farthest from the front door and the furthest corner of the small house. At this point, the landlord momentarily halted his tour in order to speak directly to Hyungwon and Changkyun, "This house does have four rooms and one of them is already taken by my first and only tenant. He is here right now, and I think it would be good to meet him in case you do decide to sign a contract with me, just so you can get a feel of his character and whether or not you do want to live here," the landlord spoke with a smile on his face. If business casual had a facial expression, it would look like his face right now. He was business casual in a pair of khaki shorts and an old t-shirt. 

"That would be wonderful," Hyungwon chirped with a wide, white-toothed, and gorgeous smile. With the go-ahead, the landlord left with a nod to go find the sole resident of the house to bring out and meet possible inhabitants. This could be their roommate, and once out of sight, Hyungwon turned to Changkyun to question his thoughts and feelings since he was never one to outright say them, "Are you nervous to meet him?" it was plausible, basing it off of Changkyun's past interactions with others he didn't know. Social anxiety tended to control his feelings and it was difficult to find his way through his maze of mental strain. 

Composing his thoughts in an eloquent sequence, he answered, "Yes. He's a stranger and if we do decide that this is the house we'll be renting, he would be living with a pregnant freshman and the possibility of a baby being born around finals week, before, during, or after. That will be inconvenient as hell for him," he reminded, thinking about how this could break the deal. Changkyun had struck gold with someone as accepting as Hyungwon, but not everyone was as open as he was. This new person could be homophobic or think that Changkyun was promiscuous enough to call him nasty and disrespectful names when the truth does eventually come out. There were so many negative ways that this could go and it was triggering his anxiety immensely, "But I also don't want to conceive any expectations for him so I'm trying not to think about it," Changkyun spoke, nails starting to pick at his skin from their clamped form behind his back, "I don't want him to hate me."

"Now why would he hate you?" Hyungwon disputed incredulously, hand going to rest cautiously where Changkyun's hands were intertwined behind his back. Caught off guard but pleasantly surprised, he let the older untangled his fingers enough for Hyungwon to hold his hand, "You're too quick to jump to conclusions and there is no need for that. What if this guy is the nicest person we've ever met?" good point, positivity wasn't something Changkyun appealed to, "I personally don't think he'll be bad. I mean, have you seen how clean he keeps this place?" a hand gesticulating toward the room around them. The house was very clean and organized indeed, but there was only one person that lived there still. One person can't make a mountain of a mess that will leave bad impressions upon sight. Changkyun still wanted no expectations leaving him disappointed in the end. Appealwasn't exactly essential, but it was relished. 

"I need a good environment," Changkyun stated, staring down at their intertwined hands. The heat of his hand was compassionate and warmed his heat, "Or I might just die."

Hyungwon chuckled, "No you won't, and even if he doesn't support anything about you, you don't have to interact with him. This isn't high school anymore, college changes people. He'll be civil and hopefully not disrespect you. If he does, I'll cut him and teach him a lesson," Hyungwon waved his free hand ridiculously, sass evident in every fiber of his being and Changkyun couldn't help but smile and let loose an accidental giggle. The older straightened himself out and softened his sharp features, "If this first meeting with him isn't great, then we'll find somewhere else. We'll remove ourselves and find somewhere better."

"But I like this house," Changkyun whined, slight pout puckering his bottom lip, "I already picked out my room," he'd chosen the one closest to the bathroom, recalling how much he'll need to pee further in his pregnancy, and even considering how much he was peeing now. It would be a nuisance to travel so far for a trip lasting less than a minute. 

"You did?" Hyungwon cooed, eyes sparkling with interest. He was ecstatic to see Changkyun so enthusiastic. 

"Yeah, I did, and don't make fun of me," Changkyun whined, so indignant on the treatment of his emotions and wishes, "I have feelings too you know."

"Really?" the sincerity in his voice was so convincing that sarcasm wasn't even detectable. Changkyun laughed, deep and shy as he used his hand to push Hyungwon's shoulder with the hand that was once locked with his friend's, knocking the older and taller male a few steps away. Changkyun felt less nervous due to Hyungwon's well-timed humor and his willingness to heal his torn nerves. Hyungwon was doing so much for him. 

The introduction of new presences broke the two from their own little world and they turned to face the landlord and a stranger. The roommate. He was tall, as tall as Hyungwon, but much more built and thicker in physique. He was an enigma, with a face that was young and warm and a body that was strong and built like a brick wall. Incongruent. His shoulders were so wide and his arms were huge, enough to make someone nervous, but the smile he developed when sighting the two guests was so contradicting. Contradictory. His cheeks were so full and rosy, the slightest gap in his teeth screamed friendly. Truly a puzzler and Changkyun's previous anxiety seemingly disappeared and was replaced by comfort and relief. He bowed a full ninety degrees and in customary fashion, Hyungwon and Changkyun returned the gesture in full, "Hello, my name is Son Hyunwoo. It's nice to meet you," he greeted and his voice was like honey, smooth and thick. It tied everything together and Hyunwoo was a spectacle to stare at. 

"Hello, I'm Chae Hyungwon."

"I-Im C-Changkyun," he wanted to die right there at how he stumbled over his own name. How does someone do that? He swallowed hard and in embarrassment, hoping that the man across from him wasn't examining into it. It would be even better if he hadn't noticed. 

"Much obliged," he formally greeted after reaching out and shaking both of their hands, "I really hope you two move in, it would be nice to finally be getting some roommates," his eye smile was endearing and devastating, and both Hyungwon and Changkyun were falling for it. Changkyun noted how handsome he was and how striking his features were, and his first impression of the man in front of him was promising and the same could go for Hyungwon. They both liked Hyunwoo and it wouldn't be half that bad to get to know him and eventually live with him. It felt silly now that Changkyun had been so worried before. 

"Speaking of which..." the landlord spoke up, "If you would like to sign contracts soon, or even now, I have a few on hand. But I am also concerned about your chemistry and how you will all live together as roommates. It's important to get along with those you live with so there are no future issues. I want you all to have the best experience with each other so that we have no issues with each other in the future being potential roommates," the sincerity was mesmerizing and both Hyungwon and Changkyun were happy with this landlord. He was courteous and it was astounding. 

"That's really considerate of you to think of us like that," Changkyun noted, surprised by how remarkable this man in front of them was. 

Hyunwoo turned to face the landlord and clapped a hand on his shoulder, "This is the best landlord you'll ever have, he actually cares. The fact that he wants you to get to know who you're going to live with says a lot about his character. I would never live under anyone else's contract," he assured with a wide smile that made his eyes disappear into small crescents. Hyungwon admired his voice and noted how he expressed this sense of leadership and take-charge type of person. Taking control of the idea, he was organizing this event and that was admirable. 

"I like to think I do well to show that I care," the landlord joked, returning the gesture on the taller man, "It's best to treat your tenants like friends rather than just clients," and that was perfect. He was the type of landlord that Changkyun was really looking for without knowing it. The other landlords he had met with that day were more concerned with making more money from as many tenants as possible and not worried for their well being, "You two boys seem very nice and it would be a pleasure to sign you two on." 

Hyungwon looked to Changkyun because this time around, this was all up to him. It was based on his comfort at the time and it was about time they heard from him for once. This was a step in the evolution of Changkyun that was going to benefit him in the long run. He didn't have to depend on Hyungwon all the time because he had his own voice too, "Then let's do it," he affirmed with a small and shy smile, making eye contact with Hyunwoo briefly before looking away, "I think it would be nice to live with you, just don't prove me wrong later when we actually live with you," he bantered, earning a chuckle from Hyunwoo. 

Changkyun felt a pang of guilt in his heart because he was hiding something major from Hyunwoo and his landlord. Changkyun didn't think he was going to bring up this pregnancy today, it just wouldn't work out. It would leave problems when all Changkyun wanted to do was to find a house since the school wouldn't allow him to live in the dorms due to his pregnancy. A house would be different, and a later apartment was the ultimate goal. This was all he needed for now, even if that meant lying and scamming his way through this friendship. 

"Great!" Hyunwoo interjected, "I can't wait to get to know you both some more, roommates," his smile was seriously so devastating. So wide and oddly cute. Truly an enigma. 

Contracts were signed, numbers were exchanged, and payments were upcoming. For Hyungwon. Almost immediately after confirming his interest in the house, Changkyun texted his mother and offered the idea of him moving off campus next semester. He gave her all the details, safety deposit amount and the monthly payment for rent starting January first. It had taken a few hours for their response, and they happily agreed to go along with the housing plan since the pay was much cheaper and they wouldn't have to pay for a meal plan. They had almost turned the idea down, but after lots of deliberation, his parents agreed that the experience of him living in a house with the chance to make most of his living decisions, it wouldn't be so terrible to let him be and agree to the idea. They had even offered it wire him money every month for food and it was more generous than he had been expecting. 

Changkyun was pretty lucky when it came to expenses. All he had to do was pay his tuition, school supplies, and anything he needed to buy while he was out at college and not at home. His parents paid for housing and meal plan, which he wasn't complaining about. They'd done the same for Changwoo. His family had decent money since his father was a scientist, biologist, he made lots of money from his labs and studies. His mother taught the English language to a multitude of classes with varying ages and she made decent money as well. Changkyun's parents had taught him money management from a very young age and he was thankful for that. He was going to apply those skills intensely in the next year. Even if his parents were okay with his baby out of wedlock, he knew they weren't going to help with money. Them agreeing to cheap housing now was a step in the right direction for him. 

He had a lot ahead of him and it was all so overwhelming. But for now, at least he had a place to stay in the next year and a cool, new roommate to help out with his dilemma. 

\-------

Hyungwon was forcing Changkyun to interact with people and he hated it with a burning passion. 

They had been in their room together, doing homework and assignments when Hyungwon's boyfriend had called in the middle of Hyungwon writing his paper on exercise training and its importance with young children in school settings. Even when he was in the zone with his assignment, Hyungwon had immediately answered when he read the caller ID, animatedly speaking with love drowning his voice in infatuation for the man. Changkyun had never taken the time to meet Hoseok (sometimes Hyungwon called him Wonho, he was never sure what name to use) but from what his roommate had told him about his boyfriend, Hoseok seemed like a very swell guy. 

But he disregarded his previous opinion of him when Hyungwon turned to Changkyun with the phone still pressed to his ear and spoke, "Hoseokie just asked me if I wanted to go out and eat and I think it would be fun if you went with all of us," his smile was diminutive yet his eyes were hopeful, wanting Changkyun to go with and it was hard to decline the offer when his friend was really wishing he could join them even if he really didn't want to go. Joining their little get together seemed like an opportunity he shouldn't pass up on, but he was still skeptical about something. 

"Whose all of us?" he had picked up on that description, assuming that he meant more than just the pair eating out. Large groups weren't exactly his cup of tea, and considering that Hyungwon was friends with all the 'wrong people' left red flags tattooed on the backs of his eyelids, the only thing he could see when he blinked. 

"Me, Hoseok, Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Jooheon," he ended, voice dropping as though to make it harder for Changkyun to hear the last name. It was evident that he had issues with his baby daddy and Hyungwon feigning ignorance so he could join them, but Changkyun was reluctant. Minhyuk and Kihyun weren't the closest to him either, he had never made Hoseok's acquaintance, and Jooheon was just annoying to him, bringing this primal and innate hatred towards the older after he left him in this situation. It was peculiar considering he barely knew the guy, but he couldn't help it. They had a relationship whether he liked it or not, dismissing how bizarre and unconventional it was based on previous events. Reading his expression, Hyungwon continued, "I know you don't particularly like or trust any of them, but believe it or not, they all care about you." 

A bold claim considering the last time he had spoken to either Kihyun or Minhyuk was a few days ago, and he had never met Hoseok. He had seen Jooheon yesterday, for a brief moment and it had been so awkward that Changkyun had escaped as soon as he could to avoid any more conversation that could evolve into something that involved feelings. It had been at work when Jooheon stopped by to order something for lunch. He'd asked Changkyun how he was doing and starters along the like that focused on his current well-being. It had been pretty easy-going, nothing that Changkyun couldn't essentially answer, but when Jooheon brought up the baby, that was different.

 _"How is the baby?"_ had been his exact question and he had a right to know the answer since it was his baby too, but the setting and the high level of anxiety Changkyun had been feeling that day prevented him from handling the situation gracefully and with class. Changkyun's answer had bee a simple  _they're doing fine_ before he was excusing himself, allegedly to gather more supplies from the school's cafeteria. They had needed more rice noodles anyway, might as well go and get more in order to elude this torture. It was unequivocally obvious that he meant to get away, but he didn't care about sparing Jooheon's feelings. He just had to get away at the time and now he was facing meeting with him tonight and he didn't think he could do that. It would be more awkward conversation and possible recall to the day before.

"How could they all possibly care about me?" Changkyun inquired as he added another small detail to the drawing he had been working on. It wasn't an assignment and was more an excuse to not finish his actual homework. He had needed to get some frustrating, creative energy out before he could focus on actual homework. He had started drawing his older brother, a picture he had recently posted on his Instagram account. He missed his brother, but he was busy most of the time with his own studies. Becoming a biologist took a lot of his time up, "I haven't been the kindest to any of them and they barely know me."

"I care about you and I don't really know that much about you," Hyungwon eased out and it left the room silent because it was true even though the two were quite comfortable with each other. Changkyun had been lost in his own thoughts and forgot that Hyungwon had been on the phone and it had taken until the older was speaking into his handheld to remember, "We'll be there soon, we can walk there, you're closer to the place anyway," he spoke some more and parted with an 'I love you' and a few kisses blown into the speaker. The phone was back on the desk and Hyungwon was speaking to Changkyun again, "These people that we're going with do care for you, I can promise you that."

"How can you?" Changkyun questioned, genuinely curious. He had only ever shown interest in Kihyun since the older man made an effort with him, but Minhyuk was a mystery. Jooheon very well could just care about the baby, that was undeniable after all the effort he had committed to convincing Changkyun to not get the abortion. Care was something that Changkyun didn't feel for many until he really got to know someone and he would like to say the only person he cared about outside of his family was Hyungwon. Changkyun couldn't really say he cared for anyone otherwise he would be lying and anyone claiming they cared for Changkyun without really knowing him were lying too. He was a hard person to care for. 

Hyungwon puffed his cheeks out in frustration because getting your friend to go out to dinner with you was supposed to be easy. Why was he making it this difficult? "It was actually Minhyuk who thought to invite you," he revealed and that was unexpected, "I was going to invite you anyway as soon as Hoseok said something about dinner, but it was Seokkie that said that Minhyuk wanted you to come along with us all," Minhyuk and Hoseok both work together in the library, a side job that makes them enough money so they can afford essentials and have fun on the weekends. Hyungwon was just as surprised as Changkyun appeared to be as he stared in shock over his shoulder, but even with Minhyuk's usual demeanor, he was a sweet person, "And it's barbecue night. How can you turn down an invitation like that?" 

He really couldn't and Changkyun realized that. He wanted to pull the 'I have homework' card, but he couldn't when he had finished his assignments for the next three days without having to be in the studio to complete anything. He couldn't pull the 'I'm tired' cared because he'd just recently taken a nap and it wasn't late enough to be going to bed soon. And saying that he 'wasn't hungry' wasn't an option because he was starving and dinner was a good idea to participate in. He would be seeing these people for months to come, so taking the time now to acquaint himself with them really couldn't cause him any physical pain, so he might as well suck it up and play tonight, "I guess I don't have any choice, do I?" he asked resigned, setting his pencil and tortillon to the side where they wouldn't roll over his graphite sketch. Hyungwon hummed, "When are we leaving, hyung?" 

"Yay!" Hyungwon cheered, hopping up from his seat to leave the room, "One second, I have to go ask Kihyun if he wants to go," and with that, he was gone but Changkyun could still hear his voice and his knuckles rapping on the wooden door of their neighbor's door. He was just as animated there as he was on the phone, minus that mix of adoration he had for his boyfriend. This was just a friend now. 

Changkyun stood up to change his sweatpants for a pair of jeans to make him look more presentable. He had originally dressed for a leisure night but a change of plans had him on the move. He was debating whether or not he wear a nicer shirt when Hyungwon returned with a smile on his face, "Kihyun is coming with if that's okay," he was cautious but the excitement he felt overpowered any consideration he attempted to communicate to the younger, "We're going to walk to the barbecue house that's close by instead of driving. Tonight is all you can eat for a cheap price and as poor college students, you know how important that is to us." 

Changkyun really did and he was guessing that this monstrous hunger he was currently feeling was due to his pregnancy. All you can eat sounded so perfect and he couldn't possibly pass up on this perfect opportunity. Changkyun decided that he was going to keep his sweatshirt on because with how much he was going to eat tonight, there was for sure a food baby rearing in his future. Followed by the slight lamentation that his food baby was going to upgrade to a real baby very soon, he groaned and grabbed his wallet as he and Hyungwon left the room. Kihyun joined as soon as they stepped into the sitting room and they started the ten-minute walk it took to get to the barbecue house. 

The walk had been enjoyable and surprisingly pleasant. Kihyun was a good conversationalist and was not the type to interrupt and instead listened intently, patience and obvious trait of his. He was listening with the intent to understand rather than to respond and it was very amiable in the older. He spoke about his day and the children he worked with, all the stories of clumsy, little humans trying to go through life in the classroom and learning to function without the help of their parents and it was just so adorable. The way he told the stories with an air of adoration was so sweet and it had Changkyun intensely interested and wanting to hear more. Knowing that his own little human would be in the world in six months was terrifying but hearing stories like that made it seem better. Especially the story of the six-year-old Kihyun helped teach. She had brought her stuffed polar bear to school and kept her hidden away in her backpack so no one would notice her presence. However, it was painfully easy to notice when she showed just about every other student around her that she had a little stowaway in her backpack. She had gone an hour into the day before the teachers had to confiscate her friend with the promise that she would get to reunite with her during playtime. She would have bawled her eyes out otherwise. 

It was a busy night at the restaurant, all the college students having the same idea with all you can eat. There had been enough people that Hoseok had needed to set a reservation and Hyungwon had needed to give a name to be showed their table. After everything was settled with that, a frazzled hostess led them the way to their large table where Hoseok and Minhyuk were already sitting. When in sight, Minhyuk waved, bringing Hoseok's attention to the newcomers and the smile he delivered was that of love. When Hyungwon was close enough, he wrapped his thick, muscle ridden arms around the thinner man and squeezed tight, feeling his body against his own. Changkyun had never seen Hoseok in person but now that he was in front of him, he was huge. He was a wall of muscle yet his face was smiling and wore an open-mouthed smile. Had he not been so broad and built, he may have been a soft-looking and approachable person, rather than intimidating and charismatic. 

Everyone else shared greetings and familiar smiles, but Changkyun couldn't help but feel excluded from the tight-knit circle of friendship that had been built for an undisclosed amount of time. He was anxious of his position in this friend group, and unfortunately was overthinking every little detail. They all fell into immediate conversation and anytime anything was directed towards him, his mind forced unsolicited assumptions that they were all hostile towards his presence there. 

Over-analysis and ruminating thoughts were both habits of Changkyun's. Every little word anyone spoke could mean something different and unseen to him or gestures in his general direction could mean something obscure. Changkyun didn’t like that he didn’t know what other people were feeling. It was also identified as a reason why he closed himself off in the first place. People were unkind and unrelenting, anybody could just go ahead and unleash pure hatred on him with no prior indication. Anxiety overruled his life and it was incredibly predominant presently. 

It only intensified when Jooheon finally arrived. He had been running a few minutes late and when he did arrive, the only available spot was across from Changkyun. It had not been planned that way, at least not to Changkyun's knowledge. Hyungwon had assumed his spot next to Hoseok as soon as he arrived, clinging to his side and cuddling close. The other side of the table sat Minhyuk and Kihyun with Changkyun on the end. Jooheon hopped into that spot and while greeting everyone, ended with making eye contact with Changkyun. His smile expressed familiarity and that set Changkyun's teeth on edge, quickly lowering his sight to grab a small portion of the banchan lined around the grill in the center of the table with a shaky and unstable pair of chopsticks. 

The message was not being received as Jooheon greeted him personally, "Hey, Changkyun," he greeted, grabbing his own pair of chopsticks to break apart, "Didn't think you'd be coming tonight."

Neither had he, but here he was, "Yeah, Hyungwon hyung convinced me to come," he avoided eye contact but continued to speak, "Thought I could give it a go, and there's food. That's always a plus," he was almost mumbling now, Jooheon straining to hear what the younger was saying past all the noise and ruckus of the multitudes of people sitting around them. 

"It's good to have you here," Jooheon assured as he grabbed the cup of water they had ordered for him and took a large sip, "How are you doing?" he asked with the tone that spoke as though he was close to Changkyun, knew things that occurred during his day and spoke to him every hour of the day. It was a humble attempt but Changkyun dreaded giving that answer, so he held nothing back since he was annoyed and really didn't care to censor himself in front of Jooheon. He was the reason he was like this anyway. 

"I'm doing alright," he started, taking baby steps since Jooheon was making him nervous to be in his presence. Alright was a bull shit word because that had so many meanings and failed to communicate proper feelings and conditions, but he could elaborate a bit more by giving insight to some of the symptoms he was feeling, revealing that small bit of his pregnancy to the older, "But I am hungry and my feet hurt," he glazed over with not much context. His feet hurting wasn't a prominent symptom, but it was at the moment after the walk here. It hadn't been vigorous yet the tightness of his sneakers now was hurting his toes and he really just wanted to take them off. It would be rude to do so at dinner, but he was mentally debating whether or not it was worth it.

Jooheon pouted sympathetically but transitioned to a bright expression as he pushed the bowl that Changkyun had picked at before closer. Changkyun glanced up to spot the older's adorable, dimple ridden and crescent-eyed smile. It was incredibly endearing and Changkyun felt his heart flutter for a second, "Surely you won't feel as hungry after having dinner tonight, there's so much to eat," he retracted back to his spot and lowered his head to read through the menu one final time, "Make sure you eat as much as you want, it's good for the baby."

Even with how kind and thoughtful that statement was, Changkyun couldn't help but find it annoying, as though he couldn't take care of himself or the baby. It was condescending and belittling, as though Changkyun was a child when he was, in fact, a legal adult. And what really hit home was that Jooheon was speaking as thoughhe was close to Changkyun, knew things that occurred during his day and spoke to him every hour. It was a humble attempt honestly, but Changkyun was dreading this interaction. He still had to censor himself for Jooheon since they were not friends and really going in-depth about his day was not something he did with anyone besides Hyungwon. But he responded anyway, "I'll try," and he would, he was starving.

Jooheon prattled on before and after their orders were taken and their meat and sides were delivered. Jooheon's voice served as background noise throughout dinner whether directed at Changkyun or not. Changkyun rarely paid mind since he was too consumed by the consumption of his dinner and making sure his stomach felt full so this outrageous hunger could culminate. 

Eventually, everyone had reached their limit, including Changkyun who had ordered an almost revolting amount of food, but he had eaten it all with no complaint and he was satisfied in the end, happy that he wasn't spending a staggering sum of money. He felt like he wasn't going to need to eat for a few days, but he was sure he would be famished as soon as he woke up tomorrow. Now everyone was relaxing and chatting, sipping on some soju while Changkyun stuck to water. Casual drinking had never been an experience for him since his parents never allowed him so and hanging out with friends wasn't a commonality, and here he was with 'friends', pregnant and drink with them. It was a nuisance.

Changkyun was growing fatigued and his eyes were heavy, wanting nothing more than to lay down for the night and sleep until he had to wake up for work in the morning. Although, his options were to sit there and listen, or sit there and talk, and it was looking like sitting there and talking was going to be the winner as Hoseok looked over at Changkyun when taciturnity fell over all six of them and asked him, for everyone to hear, "Are you tired, Changkyun ah?" he had just yawned and it had been a big one, the kind that stretches your jaw and pops your ears, but he hadn't thought it was that big. Bringing attention to himself had not been the plan, but now everyone was looking at him and interested in what Hoseok had to say. Changkyun's lack of an answer was a sort of answer as the oldest of them all continued, "Should we part ways so you can get some sleep?" 

The offer sounded tempting and he was contemplating on taking it, but a quick glance to Hyungwon and Changkyun was noticing just how wrapped up in his boyfriend he was. Hyungwon was a little tipsy, flush to Hoseok's side, arms wrapped around his waist while Hoseok had one arm thrown over his shoulder, warm and literally wrapped up in the other's presence. Changkyun knew it had been a while since Hyungwon had properly been out with Hoseok, and taking that opportunity away from his roommate seemed cruel and unfair. So he persisted, shakes his head, “I’m just really tired. I pulled an all-nighter last night studying human anatomy for my drawing class,” Changkyun bemoaned with a huff, the same names he had memorized ringing in his head. They had been hard to retain when the names were so intricate and difficult to pronounce, "Position, application, and function. The names of all the muscles are pretty difficult and we had a test over them all today." 

"Ah, that is true. Luckily, we don't really focus on the facial muscles that much in exercise science," Hoseok nodded along, leaning his head over to rest on top of Hyungwon's. The younger hummed contently and it was heart-warming, cheeks warm and pink from the amount of soju he'd had. Maybe a little too much, "I trust you got a good score on that test," he smiled, charming and cute. Hyungwon cuddled even closer if possible and smiled with him, both collecting in one major show that demonstrated love and adoration for the other person they were with. They looked so happy and it was something that Changkyun hastily pondered wanting before coming to his senses again. 

"I did actually, the best score. I only missed one muscle's application, but you bet I did well on everything else," he had initially been disappointed with that one missed mark, having stayed up all night to memorize over fifty muscles, but otherwise, he had been happy with his score. He still had a high grade and was in no way in danger of failing, but he just wished he had gotten that one question right, "But I might be lying, I don't remember about one hour happening last night, maybe that's why I missed that one question," he joked, satisfied when he earned a few laughs from those around him, and if there wasn't a laugh, there was a smile. 

Except from one person, Jooheon. Changkyun turned away from all the smiles to see Jooheon's reaction and was surprised to see a frown. Unequivocal disdain, "Are you okay?" Changkyun found himself asking, wondering why he looked so distressed. He was surprised he had taken that initiative, but he guessed this boosted confidence he was formulating from talking in a large group was doing this to him. 

Jooheon spoke up with confidence yet cautious, but still stern as he did so. A confusing and intimidating combination, “You can’t pull an all-nighter while pregnant with my baby,” he chastised, brows were furrowed and lips were pressed in a tight line. He looked relaxed yet was starting an argument whether that was his intention or not. 

It fell quiet among the group, everyone wanting to see how this was going to play out, alcohol overtaking their systems except for Hoseok's since he had chosen not to drink in preference for his friends to be safe and responsible when they all depart. A designated driver sort of deal because he might be driving a few home tonight basing it off how much some were drinking. 

“Why not?!” Changkyun expressed a little too loudly in annoyance, startling Kihyun who was right next to him. His mood was quickly souring because who was Jooheon to tell him what to do? "Because I'm pregnant with your baby now means I'm not in charge of my own body and choices?" really, Changkyun could see where Jooheon was coming from, but he was stepping way out of line in saying what he had. But Changkyun was not the type of person to give the benefit of the doubt because people were never that naive nor that delusional thinking they could control others. Changkyun was a conscious being and could make his own choices indefinitely.

Jooheon straightened up with the intention to say more, but realizing what was transpiring, Hyungwon quickly defused the situation by asking and slurring a quick question, "Are you from the South Jeolla Province?" it was an odd question in the moment and sudden, but Changkyun saw right through it. He was changing the subject to avoid a disagreement and Changkyun was happy to play along in full. He was not going to be a child and argue with people he was supposed to be friends with. 

"I am. I'm from Gwangju," he affirmed, facing Hyungwon with a glare, aftereffects of anger still clinging to his nerves. 

"No way!" Minhyuk interjected, turning his full body and peeking past Kihyun to face the youngest of them all, "Both Hyungwon and I are from Gwangju!" he informed, pointing between him and Hyungwon, and Changkyun realized something else he had failed to spot the first time. A large factor in the reveal of his hometown. 

He typically spoke in the standard Seoul dialect with others to avoid communication issues, but in his short scuffle with Jooheon, he had subconciously slipped into his comfortable Gwangju dialect. He was exhausted and the combined forces of fatigue and anger led to his original dialect. But to find that his friend and one of his acquaintances were from his hometown was a pleasant surprise, but he needed to elaborate, "Well, I was born in Gwangju, but I moved abroad a lot when I was young, so I didn't spent much time there early on."

"Where did you travel to?" Kihyun asked, interest deep and involved. 

"I lived in Israel when I was about five for four years, and then lived in the United States for about three years right after. Boston. We returned to Gwangju when I was twelve," his origin was never a hot topic when he ever spoke with someone, so it was refreshing to find someone so engrossed in his life, "My dad is a scientist and so we moved around a lot for his job." 

Jooheon was speaking now for first time since he upset the younger with no trace of that previous sternness, "Do you speak English then?" he was keeping his eyes low to avoid eye contact and awkward exchange, not wanting to upset Changkyun but still interested in what he had to say. Getting to know this person was valuable since he was carrying his child. 

Changkyun didn't want to acknowledge that he'd heard Jooheon speak at all, but it was a good question and he was sure everyone else would like to know that answer as well. And indeed when he threw a glance around, everyone looked as though they were sitting on the edge of their seats in anticipation, “I’m fluent actually.” 

A collection of amazed coos flooded his ears and the attention, while unpleasant at first was now enjoyable. It was Jooheon that continued further, "I have an older sister and she lives out in LA and has been there for a few years," he reached down below the table to grab what Changkyun assumed was his phone. His suspicions were proven correct when his phone was brought up and the screen lit up, "I've learned a lot of English from her, and she just had a baby recently," mentioning that he had a baby in the family had Changkyun's heart racing because he was an uncle and interacting with a baby was something he would have to do, "She was born at the beginning of summer and I got to visit them for a few weeks soon after she was born," he paused a moment as he scrolled through something on his phone, "Her name is Olivia and she's so tiny and so cute." 

He turned his phone to show Changkyun the picture he had taken of his niece and Changkyun audibly cooed at the sight of her, "She really is tiny," she was a pink little thing with no hair, little lips in a pout and framed by her perfectly chubby cheeks. There wasn't much to her, and Changkyun tried to convince himself that she was cute but that was a bit hard for him. He had never found babies too particularly cute and that same opinion reflected on this baby, but it would be rude not to say that she was cute right? "She's so cute," he cooed as he handed the phone back, still evading direct eye contact. Jooheon took his phone back and snuck in a look for himself. His smile took on that familiar dimple and crescent eye, endearing and true. He loved his niece. 

Mind wandering off for a minute or two, Jooheon's infatuation with his niece, who was a small baby, was reassuring in an unusual way. It reaffirmed his faith in the older when it came to kids and when it came to their baby. His original fear was that Jooheon would be uninterested and would remain detached when the baby was actually here, uninvolved. It wasn't like Changkyun to have faith in anyone he didn't know, but he was building a faith for Jooheon. He didn't want to tie Jooheon down, didn't want his youth to disappear since it was already fleeting. He wanted his help, it would be greatly appreciated when it came to expenses and raising a human being, but it was also a lot to ask. It was so complicated and this was all so fucking hard and all Changkyun wanted was to have everything right in the world where God doesn't like to play cruel jokes on him. That wasn't an option, he didn't have many options. He had to play along and suck it up because that's how life was. Unfair as shit. 

Conversation riddled on for a few more minutes before everyone decided to end the night and go home to sleep off the food and alcohol in their systems. Hyungwon was facing the most of, having had the lion's share of the soju, but even drunk he was still very aware and could carry on a conversation. But even at that level of intoxicity he was at, Hoseok believed that it would be best if they left for the night and he believed it would be best if Hyungwon would be driven home, leading to him, Changkyun, Kihyun, and Minhyuk having a ride to the dorm as well. Only Jooheon did not have a ride home. 

"Are you sure you're okay to walk home?" Kihyun had asked Jooheon when they were all filing into Hoseok's car, "I can walk with you if you'd like and then I can go back to my dorm when I've dropped you off," safety was the main concern and it would leave less time for Jooheon to be alone. Two heads were better than one and Kihyun was very responsible, didn't drink past two shots of soju. He had children to watch tomorrow morning, he couldn't be hungover. 

"I'm okay, really. I have to make a stop at a friend's house on the way anyway," he explained with confidence, and Kihyun found that discouraging. Jooheon had other friends outside of their friend group, but there were rarely any people who were worth his time like that. It was a Thursday night and Kihyun knew what that meant. Jooheon was stopping somewhere to hook up with someone, the guy he had been telling Kihyun about the day before and it was the only explanation he could procure without asking directly what he was doing. Kihyun had noticed how much Jooheon had been texting during dinner when he wasn't talking and he had to have been texting this unknown boy he was messing around with. Kihyun would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was just dropping by, but he was young. He was exploring and experimenting, but Kihyun would prefer to see him spend some time with Changkyun that didn't lead to argument or them butting heads. He had a baby on the way, Kihyun would like to see him take initiative and be proactive about all of this, but he wasn't one to say anything about life choices, "I'll be there for a while." 

"If you're so sure," Kihyun shrugged, "Just make sure you text me when you get home tonight so I know you're okay." 

"Won't forget," Jooheon assured with a smile and a clap on the back, bringing the younger into a hug before parting, "Get some rest tonight." 

Kihyun turned to enter the car and everyone else started to file in after hearing Jooheon's plans. Changkyun had helped Hoseok ease Hyungwon in the front seat and made sure he was buckled in before leaving to enter the car himself. Before Changkyun could enter the car, Jooheon grabbed his shoulder gently enough for Changkyun to not shrug him away in offense. Changkyun turned to face Jooheon, not expecting much, and Jooheon spoke with a smile, "Thank you for coming tonight, it was really fun," he was sincere and held no qualms, so Changkyun had no choice but to accept the gratitude and respond kindly. 

"It was fun, I'm glad I came tonight," he offered a small smile and a nod, returning the gesture to appear indifferent yet gentle. 

"We'll have to do this again," another smile and flash of dimples made Changkyun smile back, warm and welcoming. 

"We should," it was barely genuine, but it was enough of an answer. 

Changkyun had mixed feelings, he really did. Jooheon was quite the character, a mixture of different characteristics that confused him to no end. Jooheon could appear laid back and fun to talk to, but then he could take a turn and attempt to make decisions that were made without Changkyun's consent. He flip-flopped haphazardly and it was irritating enough to leave the bad kind of impression in Changkyun's mind and heart, making Jooheon out to be this person he doesn't want to associate himself with. Changkyun wanted to remain indignant and grouse at every little thing that Jooheon did, but he had no placement when it came down to it. He was surrounded by people who knew Jooheon very well and possessed a different opinion of him because they have known him for years as opposed to a few months. 

But after tonight, seeing him show concern and also showing him pictures of his niece that he obviously adored exhibited a side to him that Changkyun could not see from a first impression. He wasn't so harsh if you talked to him, but Changkyun was still cautious, still guarded. He had a lot to learn still, but for now, all he had to focus on was getting home and going to sleep. And maybe helping Hyungwon get ready for bed since he was now screaming at the top of his lungs to the song playing on the radio, Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Hoseok singing along. He was a hurricane of noise and excitement and it was making Changkyun feel better, making feel like there wasn't so much to worry about, and for just a second, he let go and let himself sing along in deep harmony to Kihyun's voice to the song on the radio. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you go, probably really uneventful, but love and support it anyway  
> Leave me a comment, I love them <<33


	5. Honestly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letting people know hadn't been his intention but it happened anyway

Changkyun ate an entire box of Mac and Cheese for lunch after his disastrous time in class today. He was surprised that he had, considering that he never ate that much ever, but he supposed his body needed a good fill up to repair how downtrodden he felt, even though unconventional and not substantial. At least he was eating at all. 

The comfort of unhealthy food had replaced the embarrassment of his impromptu burst of emotions and hormones in class in front of fifteen people that he didn't even know. He only knew their names and they only knew his name, but now they knew that he was an emotional wreck of a person and couldn't control himself when it came to the slightest bit of criticism. Critique was a critical part of art and was included on the agenda for today's class, and Changkyun had been expecting some of the commentaries coming since he had identified them himself the night before, but hearing it from someone else hit him in the wrong spot and hurt his heart. It ended up harming him more than he had expected and the result was a few shed tears and the need to hide his mouth before any sobs could rip through. He was a grown man and grown men don't cry after someone points out something he could work on. 

It had been his first class of the day, his 8 am drawing class and he had spent all night finishing a landscape that his teacher had assigned weeks ago. It was of a beach, referenced from a picture he had taken with his family years ago on vacation. It held a simpler time on its shores and Changkyun couldn't complain about that trip they had taken. He had been a freshman in high school, still bright-eyed and hopeful, finding no immediate reason to hide away the way he did now. He remembers being immensely happy during that trip, and it was distressing how hard of a turn time took on him and the way it changed the way he looked at everything. Looking at the picture he had taken all those years ago set an aura of calm over him as he recalled all the details and small memories he had made with his family, especially with his brother. And now, he would associate that picture with the day he broke down in front of people in his grade. The positive memories would be clouded by shame of his actions and he wouldn't be able to focus on the positive aspects without conceptualizing an image of humiliation and how small he had felt in the moment. 

He had been called up to the front of the class to present his sketch, prop it on the blackboard of the art studio so the semi-circle of his classmates could see it and formulate opinions about it. It had taken a few minutes with in-depth speculation before his teacher spoke up, informing the class that they would be starting the critique portion of the assignment. A lump was stuck in Changkyun's throat, but he held it together for the first few speakers even when breathing felt difficult and his stomach was turning. He wanted to lay down. 

The first few people spoke graciously, delivered positive feedback on his style and technique, praising what they had learned in class together. It replaced that ill feeling with a flutter in his heart and he thought that maybe everything was going to be okay, confidence building and looking forward to the praise that was bound to come next. Only, it didn't come.  
   
The next comment wasn't anything malicious, it was constructive and voiced nothing but enthusiasm for improvement, “The foreground is too boring and it’s a bit too large before the middle ground makes contact with the eye, and then there's not much room left for the background. It just seems a little lost," she had pointed out, brows furrowed as she concentrated on what she had thought. Art was subjective, everyone knew that, but she had a point. Changkyun has missed the mark with interest and he realized that, it had been something he agonized over the night before and the moment he laid eyes on his work again this morning. This girl was stating her opinion and he didn't always have to take it to heart, but this time around, he did. 

It was trivial yet it hit Changkyun so hard. The entire comment didn't sit well with Changkyun and it was enough for him to start crying right then and there, after muttering a cracked, "Okay," in an attempt to appear collected, the first tear fell and he rushed to wipe it away before it slipped past his cheek, but it was already too late. He was supposed to thank the reviewer for their comment, but that single tear made its landing on his cheek and it had released a flood gate of tears and hurt feelings, no room for words in-between. He did his best to hold it back so they could continue with critique, but he couldn't stop now. The best he could do now was intercept cries from leaving his mouth so he didn't look like more of a fool. The tears continued to fall and it had taken his art teacher speaking up for this harrowing shit show to stop.

Mrs. Kwon stood and walked up to Changkyun, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder before speaking with her voice low, comforting and an attempt to not upset him further, "Why don't you take a breather? You can go outside if need be and you don't have to do critique anymore," Changkyun sniffled and nodded, furiously wiping at his eyes to rid them of the salty tears he could taste on his lips. They had half an hour of class left and with attendance policies, he couldn't leave or that would count as an absence. If he had the choice, he would go back to his dorm and lay in bed until his next class, "Can I speak with you after class? Just you and me?" she questioned next and while Changkyun wanted to shut the idea down entirely, this was his teacher. If he didn't comply that could mean bad news for him and an awkward relationship with someone he would need to speak to for many more months to come. His answer was a curt nod as he sniffled and wiped his eyes. He turned to take his drawing down but it was his teacher who made the move and grabbed it, neatly folding the sketch pad and setting it among the other students' already critiqued drawings. She offered a small smile but it wasn't returned, not like she expected it to be. 

Changkyun left the studio to take a moment to compose himself and regain his breathing. Thinking he was in the clear, he sat down on a bench that was placed outside in the courtyard and let loose the few lingering tears that clung to his lashes. They were almost out of his system when the sound of the studio opened, that familiar creak and screech of old metal alarming him out of his stupor. The classmate who made the comments was walking out of the studio with a searching and concerned glint in her eyes. Locking glances with Changkyun, she jogged over to him and he wiped at his eyes again. As far as first impressions go, this was not a pleasant one to recall. He shouldn't be crying when she was formally speaking to him. 

"Changkyun," she addressed when she was in front of him, with apologetic eyes and a frown tilting her lips. Her name was Soohyun and she was a sophomore, "I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't know it would hurt you like that, I'm really sorry," she didn't even know the extent of what she was apologizing for. His emotional breakdown wasn't her fault, it was entirely him and him only, and she didn't know why. Mood swings had been getting the best of him lately, and today was no exception. It just happened to occur during class and in front of other people whom he didn't know, "Despite what I said, I really liked your style and technique. You did so well on the water and the highlights." 

Her apology, while cautious and with good intention, was making it worse for Changkyun as he tried to cope with everything that had happened. Being as blind-sided as he was, the embarrassment was creeping back into his system and he was starting to cry again. His eyes grew heavy with tears and they slipped past his lashes once more to join the streams on his cheeks. Changkyun quickly buried his face into his hands to block the angry twist of emotions he was experiencing from Soohyun's sight. He was so, horribly embarrassed, and all he wanted to do was leave, lay in bed, and not talk to anyone for the rest of the day. Not even Hyungwon. Class didn't seem worth it when he felt like this. 

"Again, I'm so sorry," Soohyun apologized again before leaving to return back to class with a heavy, downtrodden heart. Her attempts at reconciliation were futile and she felt as though she made everything worse. To reiterate, it wasn't her fault in the slightest. She was just doing as she was told to do by their professor, and nothing was even directed at Changkyun, it was directed at his drawing. Critique was permanently in their line of work and it wasn't worth the detrimental effects of this emotional breakdown. 

Changkyun hated being pregnant. Nothing about any of it was positive and he wasn't even halfway through, not even close. This kid was causing him so much trouble and he was going crazy with all that his body was going through. It was moments like this where he wishes he had gotten that abortion and gotten rid of this issue he had created for himself. If he had in the first place, he wouldn't be breaking down like an incompetent idiot in front of his whole class. He wouldn't be needing to speak to his teacher after class and he wouldn't be further embarrassing himself in front of the girl who made him cry. 

An agonizing half-hour later, the saltiness of tears was still fresh and sticking to Changkyun's lips. Crying had made him exhausted and he felt his head start to pound, but by that time, his classmates were starting to depart from the studio and his professor was the last one to leave and she had stuck her head out in search of Changkyun. The anxiety Changkyun was feeling before was returning by the second and he wanted to high tail it out of there, but Mrs. Kwon was smiling and waving him over in such an encouraging and considerate manner. It was like Changkyun was on autopilot as he stood up and obeyed her direction as though he was a child and put in trouble. Changkyun was relating this to a vague memory he had of a moment when he was a child with his mother. He had tried to pour himself a cup of milk and had missed the cup entirely, instead making a puddle of it on the kitchen linoleum. He had started crying and his mother had run into the room with fear in her eyes that was soon turning to fire and brimstone upon seeing the mess. That expression had stuck in Changkyun's memory for years despite that he wasn't afraid of her in that way anymore. She had spanked him hard as a way to teach him a lesson about independence at such a young age. His mother was a huge advocate for spanking and physically punishing her children. As a developing parent, Changkyun made the mental note that he would never do that to his kid ever. He would be much more patient and much more understanding, turning that into a learning opportunity rather than relating it to punishment. 

Thinking of parenting now when the actual kid was still so far away was a little scary, a bit of a culture shock. But thinking how well he was going to parent his kid was reassuring, made his stomach churn a little less and made his spine straighten out the slightest bit more. Confidence sat in his chest, confidence that he could treat this kid right if he had the funds and enthusiasm as others did. 

But right now he had to speak with his teacher and possibly fabricate a lie in way of explanation of his sudden outbreak. He'd had no plan to speak to this teacher or any other teacher of this semester about his pregnancy, he would need to next semester as he starts getting heavily pregnant. There was no need to tell anyone now, but with the way everything was heading, he was sure he would need to tell the truth. He surely couldn't blame his tears on the critique responses when he had never had an issue receiving them before. He was never one to show emotion in class anyway unless it was through paint and a paintbrush, or a pencil. 

Mrs. Kwon could read his emotions thoroughly through the way he drew and painted, full of palpable emotion and effortless fluidity. She had seen his paintings before, even though they were in the drawing class. He had sampled his artwork to her when she had asked to see, wanting to get a feel of his work. He was in no painting class currently, but he would be in the next semester and Mrs. Kwon was looking forward to the days where he would spend hours in the studio and paint his day away. Painting was his major and he for sure showed incredible talent in it. His works were always so impressive and stood out among the other students because unlike them, the best way he could eloquently express himself was through his craft. This week's piece, however, lacked that familiar style he so professionally portrayed. It was sloppy, shaky, the lines weren't clean when he would usually be so meticulous about it. His heart had not been in the right mindset for any of this assignment and Mrs. Kwon had been able to tell. She just didn't know why one of her prized pupils was so down and out of the creative loop and process. She was hoping she could get to the bottom of this without egging him on and making him feel like he was being investigated. 

Settled down on a stool for herself and a chair for Changkyun, they sat in awkward silence as both tried to figure out what to say and how to say it. Mrs. Kwon was facing Changkyun while Changkyun was facing the ground, avoiding eye contact with his hands clutched in his lap and his leg bouncing in anxiety. She had no idea why he was acting this way, but she figured that this was something so upsetting to him that it was hard for him to address it without feeling like he was giving too much away. Friendly conversation was supposed to be the starting point of this whole ordeal and that was the best Mrs. Kwon could do to help Changkyun out. 

"What did you think of the assignment?" she started, finding it hard to begin when Changkyun was so reluctant to speak. The assignment had left a lot to interpretation and Changkyun was the type to take his chances and go for something challenging. He showed amazing promise with his work and she knew he would do the same this time around. His work was still pleasing to look at, but nothing about it read Changkyun. And she wanted to know why. 

Changkyun lifted his eyes, making contact with Mrs. Kwon's for half a second before evading and darting to look back down at the ground again. Even he couldn't deny that he hadn't felt it in his heart to do the assignment. Putting his effort and creativity into the piece had been a huge struggle when all he could think about was how nauseous he was and how bloated he had been the entire time he had been in the studio. He was self-conscious and out of it and his effort going into his drawing was almost not there. But she didn't know that. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably so, trying his hardest not to showcase just how distressed he was and spoke, "I liked the idea, it gave me a lot of freedom and ideas to work with," he sniffled, a leftover tear running from his nose and onto his philtrum. He was quick to wipe it away, not wanting to expose such a vulnerable side to his teacher for the second time within an hour, "It was alright," he whimpered, struggling to will his emotions away and hide his outward issues. The contradiction would have been comical if it had been anyone other than him. 

This was hard for Mrs. Kwon to watch when her students were struggling in such a way, didn't want to press him further if he was just going to cry more, but she also had to figure out what was bothering him so, "Did you like how you executed your work?" she asked, knowing the direction of the answer she was going to receive, "Did you get enough time to finish it?" she had guessed that maybe the stress of the assignment was a likely reason for his episode, but she also knew there was more to it. 

Changkyun cleared his throat with a hum, grunts to hide his cries, "I had enough time..." he started, knowing that he had a different answer for the first question, easing her into the ways of his emotions. His licked his dry lips in hesitation, "But I'm not too happy with how I did everything," he had been thinking of something else entirely, "I wish I had done better." 

"What would you have changed looking at it now? Would you have done anything differently?" Mrs. Kwon asked, an innocent question really. It wasn't difficult, something every artist was asked when faced with their artwork, but mentally, Changkyun had a different answer for her entirely. But verbally, it would have been too radical to speak out loud. 

 _I wouldn't have wimped out at my abortion appointment_ , he thought to himself. It was harsh and rude, very inconsiderate of the child that he was pregnant with, but he still could not deny how much easier it would be if he had just had that abortion. And with the way his emotions were playing out, the guilt of having thought of both sides of that argument with this living thing that was now inside of him was bringing tears to his eyes again and was having his hands lifted to cover his mouth as a sob slipped past. The wishy-washy attitude he felt towards his own child's life was disturbing to him and it wrenched his heart dramatically. It was enough to get him crying once more and harder the first time. 

Mrs. Kwon was startled, to say the least, and all she could do was sit there and try to calm Changkyun down. She grabbed a box of tissues that sat close by and scooted them closer to Changkyun just in case he needed to use any. It was an almost immediate reaction as Changkyun pulled a sheet from the flower-patterned box and brought it to his eyes, greedily soaking up the tears that spilled past his lids. He was keeping the sobs at bay and was only allowing tears to spill. He very well couldn't hold those back as easily and wails. A few minutes passed before he settled further enough for Mrs. Kwon asked another question, less invasive and more kind, "Is there anything I can do to help?" 

Changkyun shook his head because there was absolutely nothing she could do to help him, "I wish you could, but you can't. Thank you for the offer," he had to remember to be polite.

"Why can't I?"

Changkyun hesitated for a few seconds, fighting with himself before he finally looked up to face his professor and more or less whispered, "Because it's difficult," it was getting harder to hold back. 

"Why is it difficult?"

Changkyun faltered and ran a trembling hand through his dark hair, brushing it off his forehead and out of his eyes before finally giving up, before finally revealing, "Because I'm pregnant," might as well just say it out loud. There was no use playing this irritating game anymore. It was easier if she just knew. He wouldn't need to tiptoe around it anymore and keep this giant secret to just himself. 

Mrs. Kwon's eyes widened and she unintentionally gaped, flabbergasted. She herself had one child and that was hard enough, and she had been in her early thirties and married with a stable and well-paying job at the university already. Changkyun was 18, in school, not married, and had no stable job. He worked in the snack bar. His situation was bringing on her anxiety and there was no way she could know how he felt, but the first thing she could think to say, since he was having a baby, was, "Congratulations," with the softest smile she could muster, she was portraying the excitement that  _should_  come with having a baby. She was displaying confidence in hopes that Changkyun could feel it for himself, "Having a baby is an exciting thing." 

"Not when you're in college," Changkyun huffed, wiping his running nose with the sleeve of his hoodie, "I'm about three months now, due around finals week. So even better," it was sarcastic of course, anyone would think so with the details. His eyes fell to the ground again, "I'm in for a world of hurt," it was a reality that he had somehow come to accept already, maybe since after the moment he had decided against the abortion entirely. Life wasn't easy, but it was surely going to get worse from now on. Every day was getting harder and every day his sanity and will to live were both cracking down to a point where he wanted to give up entirely. 

Mrs. Kwon frowned, sympathy wanting to kick in and tell him that he was going to be okay, but she couldn't confirm nor deny that. All that she could show him was support and the promise that she'll be present if he needs someone to talk to. She had been taught as a teacher to keep a connection with her students and that was all she could offer to Changkyun now, "A world of hurt with the opportunity to be a good father," she assured, taking a step in a different direction, "Parenting is hard, but if you show as much passion for this child as you do for art, then I think you'll do a pretty good job. Don't you think?" she asked, hoping to bring attention to that small detail. Changkyun had the capability of parenting well, but thinking about that ahead from now, it seemed impossible. She understood that. 

"Parenting is different from painting," Changkyun noted, stating the obvious. A relation was hard to pinpoint at first when all he was focusing on were the negatives, "I've never taken care of a child in my life, and I'll be stuck with one until I die with no way out of it." 

"But I know you're capable of doing so," Mrs. Kwon assured quickly, not giving Changkyun more time to self deprecate, "You're careful and pay attention to detail, you care and leave nothing untouched or unfinished, the same thing and concepts can go into caring for children," she took a short breath, "With the way that you can immerse yourself in your work, the same thing can happen with your baby." 

 _Your baby._ He's still not used to hearing that. 

"I know it seems intimidating, but you can do it. I'm proud of you for coming this far even," she paused, aspiring to word her next part accurately and eloquently without pandering to Changkyun's doubts, "I'm very impressed by your decision to keep your baby," Changkyun paused a moment and nodded, hesitantly keeping eye contact. It hadn't been an easy conclusion to come to, "Today, in modern times, children aren't as valued in society. They're treated like disposables, they can be thrown away, but that's not what children need. Children need us to care and raise them,they need us to take the chance to actually love and care for them. But you, I have faith in you."

"Why?" Changkyun asked, shell-shocked. 

Mrs. Kwon smiled knowingly, "You're not the type to give up that easily."

How Changkyun wished he could prove her wrong, but it was true. Giving up had never been his forte, he always tried his best and that typically lead to results he wanted in the end. He could very easily tell her that he had almost gotten an abortion, but then again, he had refused to give up on his kid then. Giving up wasn't something he aspired to do and usually, he managed enough to. And relating that to her previous statement of lack of value in children, Changkyun couldn't help but think that he was giving into that same idea when it came to his baby. Guilt gripped at his heart and he couldn't help but feel the need to cry, but he couldn't now. 

"You're going to be a wonderful father," Mrs. Kwon finalized with a smile and a gentle pat to his knee, comforting and enough to calm Changkyun down, "Don't doubt that. And I want you to know that I am here for you, and if you need help in class I can work something out with you when it comes to it. Deadlines, workload, attendance if needed, anything that you'll need to adjust and arrange as you go through this. I want to make this easier for you." 

Changkyun felt tears prick at his tear ducts but not in guilt or sadness, but in relief and happiness at someone having so much confidence in him. This was all he wanted even when he was still so reluctant on the whole situation. Support from outside his friend group was wonderful, "Thank you," he uttered under his breath, afraid of his voice cracking, "That means a lot." 

"I'm glad to hear that," Mrs. Kwon remained composed until her eyes widened and she was smiling, "And when the little tyke is born, I expect to see him or her at least once." 

Changkyun laughed lightheartedly and nodded, "Of course. I'll have to check your office hours and bring them over when I'm not busy." 

Mrs. Kwon laughed, genuine and so warm, "Office hours are always open to you and your baby,"  _you and your baby_ , that sounded so odd, but it had a ring to it. The smallest hint of sentiment hitting him right in the heart and making his fingertips tingle, "Just make sure to email me first," another joke and Changkyun was feeling so much better with her encouragement and light humor. 

Changkyun left the studio with both a light and a heavy heart, glad that his teacher had been so kind but distressed about his earlier episode and the effects it would have on his classmates. To help with the distress he was still feeling, he was going right back to his dorm and was going to eat lunch and take a nice and long nap. He needed that. All the Mac and Cheese he ended up eating was worth it and knocked him into a food coma, sleeping enough to satisfy that need to sleep between classes. He woke up ready for his next class of the day and was ready to learn and apply himself with a new outlook. He didn't need to be so stressed today, not when his own professor was supporting him and was there for him. 

\-------

As it turns out, Changkyun was proven wrong. He had every reason to be stressed and this time it was all thanks to Minhyuk. While his actions had been unintentional and accidental, it was still something that brought him a huge amount of stress when he returned to the dorm after his last class of the day. 

Their dorm had clean checks on Wednesday afternoons and since Changkyun worked through the time window when the checks took place, he had done his cleaning earlier and had left it in hopes that his roommates would be considerate and leave it the way they found it. Failing multiple clean checks could add up to fines and with a baby to think about, Changkyun was trying to avoid fines and spending excessive amounts of money, especially when he was going to move out after the semester. Collecting fines before he left was irresponsible and he needed to evade it at all costs, literally. His parents wouldn't stand for it either, they wouldn't let him hear the end of it if he let it happen. One of many things he wouldn't hear the end of if they found out. 

Out of the eight people that lived in their dorm unit, Minhyuk had been the only one home for most of the afternoon. His last class of the day had been canceled and he had taken that opportunity to go back to the dorm and relax while also doing his clean check. A realistically fifteen-minute job of cleaning the small kitchen had turned into half an hour with how slow and how distracted he'd been. He had just recently started a new show on Netflix and it had been so good that it had been hard to find a stopping point. So while he was wiping counters he had taken maybe ten breaks and doing the already minimal dishes had taken more time than necessary. At least he finished in the end and he had plenty of time to watch another full episode if he wanted to. 

But instead of laying down and relaxing like he usually would have, he had noticed that Kihyun's side of the room had been a little disheveled and knowing his roommate's schedule by heart, he knew that the slightly younger man wouldn't have time to come home and straighten everything out in time for their resident assistant. He knew that he had cleaned that morning, but his own room had been neglected, meaning he would only pass half of the clean check. Minhyuk wasn't the type to just commit to favors or acts of service without reward, but Kihyun was pretty great, he liked the boy a lot and he knew that he would do the same for him. So he took that initiative to straighten out his belongings and did so promptly, much faster than he had done with the kitchen. Feeling proud of himself, he plopped back onto his bed to finish his show. 

Eventually, their RA arrived and Minhyuk was still the only one in the dorm. He was getting lonely not having anyone to talk to and since he was friends with the RA, he figured he might as well step out and speak with him. So that's what he did. He opened his door and peeked his head out to be met with Daehyun with a clipboard in hand in their sitting area. Minhyuk smiled and spoke, "Hey," he greeted with that smile that everyone was so familiar with. Minhyuk's smile was endearing and warm, and despite his actions, he was actually very friendly and could easily make friends with everyone, "How ya doing?" 

Daehyun looked up from his clipboard and smiled wide, "Hey, Minhyuk! I'm doing alright, how are you?" he spoke as he checked the sitting area, making sure everything was paid attention to and organized correctly. That had been Changkyun's area and he had done a pretty good job. He was for sure passing. 

"I'm bored out of my mind. I need more shows to watch," Minhyuk offered as he sat at the dining room table placed in the sitting room. He watched as Daehyun moved into the kitchen, done with the sitting room. There wasn't much to that area to finish and Changkyun had done such a good job. There was no need to go in-depth, "The show I'm watching now started strong but then got boring and I need something else to watch in between those boring, filler episodes."

"You can never have too many to watch at once," Daehyun commented with a chuckle, playing along with Minhyuk before finally putting him in his place, "You're ridiculous."

"I need to keep myself entertained somehow!" Minhyuk defended himself, standing up to stand next to Daehyun, "If a show doesn't keep my attention through every episode then it's not doing its job correctly." 

"How do you ever finish anything?" Daehyun asked as he shook his head, running his finger across one of the cabinets and lifting it to find dust sticking to his skin. He grimaced, scowling at the dust that stuck to his finger. He hated dust, "Jeongmin skimped on the dusting this week," Daehyun noted as he wrote on the clipboard. It wasn't major enough for him to get fined, but it was something that he would need to do again once he got home. He very well couldn't leave it for the next person to clean. Jeongmin would need to clean it properly and go to the RA's office to request a recheck. 

Minhyuk cooed, "Ah, he's had a rough week. I think his girlfriend broke up with him, he's been coming home earlier than he usually would." 

"Ah, that would make sense why he's not been breaking curfew," curfew was at two in the morning and Daehyun was usually awake for the bed check shift. Every time he did check, without fail, Jeongmin would be gone but in the last two he had done, he had been in bed and already asleep. It had been such a shock to see and a shock to not write down in the dorm's database that he had yet again missed curfew. He had a collection of fines racking up from all the rules he had broken already, but it was only ever being out too late. Other than that, he was the perfect tenant, "I was starting to think he was sick or something." 

Minhyuk followed Daehyun around the unit and chatted along the way until he was done checking everything off of his list. Every room and every area had been checked and it all looked good. Everything was clean and neat and no one was going to be given a warning this week minus Jeongmin, but even his was going to be minor. The last thing on his agenda was to check the cleaning supplies that the unit had and if anything required a replacing then he would make a note and make sure to arrange refills. All of those supplies were supposed to be kept under the sink in the kitchen and after checking the bathroom he returned to the sink and opened the cupboards. 

The familiar and transparent bottles that were distributed by the dorm office and resident assistants were not under the sink and that had him frowning, but then he realized that the bottles were replaced with different ones, organic and natural cleaners. He wasn't sure the levels of clean they all achieved, so he removed one to read the label and ingredient list, “These aren’t the cleaning supplies we gave you,” Daehyun stated. He had no problem with different cleaning supplies provided by the tenants, but it wasn’t really something he saw happen in their dorm. Or ever in his RA career. Guys didn’t typically change their cleaning supplies, and Daehyun knew this because he wouldn’t. College guys weren't that mature and weren't as environmentally aware as these cleaning supplies were declaring, "What even are these?" they were all so natural and organic that he wasn't even sure what they would clean. 

“Hm?” Minhyuk hummed inquisitively as he spared a glance at the bottle Daehyun held in his hand. He hadn't been paying attention before, “Oh yeah! Kihyun replaced the other bottles in favor of these, I think the old ones are in the pantry," he paused for a moment, sending a glance towards the small pantry in their kitchen, "He says they’re better for Changkyun or something.”

Daehyun furrowed his brows in a confused frown and placed the spray bottle back under the sink where he found it, turning to face Minhyuk, “What do you mean by that?” his first thought had been allergies to different chemicals and compounds that could be found in cleaners, but that also didn't make sense. He wasn’t even sure if chemicals were something you could be allergic to. He had no idea and he was honestly curious. 

Minhyuk shrugged, not thinking too intently on his next response and no grasp of any consequence that could follow, “It’s probably better for the baby.” 

_Oh Minhyuk, think before you speak._

The pause Daehyun had taken was a few seconds too long but what he had just heard was startling and it had reset his entire brain, “Baby?” asked he, clarifying if what he heard was true or if he was making that up entirely in some random fever dream. Which didn't make sense since he was perfectly healthy and not sick at all, "Changkyun is having a baby?" 

Realizing what he had said and how nonchalantly it had been delivered, Minhyuk felt his throat dry up and his chest clench. He had told yet another person about Changkyun's pregnancy and he wasn't even supposed to tell the first person, especially not him. Now he'd told two different people on two separate occasions with no taking back his words. Minhyuk made no move to answer and he instead stared at the floor with wide eyes, shocked by his own words. 

That was enough of an answer for Daehyun and now he had a major problem on his hands, voicing that aloud, “Changkyun can’t live in the dorms while pregnant,” this wasn't part of their training as resident assistants, a rule being that pregnant tenants were not allowed to live in the dorm buildings, but he had never been told how to go about a situation like this. He didn't know Changkyun and he didn't know his side of the story, but he wasn't allowed to let him live here after retaining that piece of knowledge. 

Minhyuk looked up and started to panic, “Wait, why not?”

Daehyun let his clipboard fall to the side as he sighed, running a hand through his fringe and knocking it out of his eyes so he could face Minhyuk, “Liability issues, if he were to get injured on the grounds and sue us for whatever reason, then we'd be held responsible. We have to cancel his contract entirely.”

“Wait, what?! You can’t do that!” Minhyuk exclaimed, hands raised up in front of him as though he were beginning to beg, "Please, don't do that to him," he was quickly growing frantic, "You're my bro, bro code is still a thing! Come on man, don't do this to Changkyun," he stretching for an excuse and a reason why he shouldn't tell the head honchos, the housing office, of this pregnancy and Changkyun. Bro code didn't apply to pregnancy, was never really added in there or considered part of the rules. 

Daehyun did hold a glint of guilt in his eyes, downturned in an unsure frown. He was always pretty practical, it was too much to ask of him this favor, "If anything happens and I didn't notify the housing office beforehand then that's more of an issue. I'll get in so much trouble, I could lose my job."

"What about Changkyun?! You can't just kick him out, can't he just stay in the dorm until the semester ends? Where is he going to go if he's kicked out?!" Minhyuk was frantic, feeling his heart in his throat. But he was also becoming angry, was feeling hostility bubble up his throat and threaten to crawl out in a flashy show of physical presentation. He was so distressed. Daehyun could easily let this slide by but he was a stickler for rules, he always had been and that made him such a good candidate for an RA. 

"I shouldn't even be discussing this with you, you're not Changkyun and this is a personal matter he and I should discuss alone," Daehyun attempted to steer the conversation out of the direction it was heading, noting how upset Minhyuk was getting, "There's not much I can do." 

"Daehyun, just leave it be, don't tell anyone. You can't just distress this part of his life and make it harder for him to deal with all these changes. He's already dealing with a lot as it is!" Minhyuk was so close to jumping over the reasonable line and into hysteria. He was apoplectic, "Pretend this conversation never happened and move on. Changkyun is moving off campus at the end of the semester and he's no that far along. He can hide it until next semester and no one will know! Seriously, there's no need to be such a jerk about this."

"Look, there's no need to be rash. He'll be fine and he's already low-key, he won't make a big deal about it and he's healthy, nothing will happen that will cause liability issues. Please Daehyun, I'll do anything to keep you from spilling the news, anything," desperation was heavy in his voice and it was painfully palpable, "Please."

A few seconds of silence followed and finally, Daehyun spoke, ending the conversation entirely. 

"No offense, but I don't even know him that well," Daehyun huffed as he announced and that realization reminded Minhyuk that indeed, Daehyun only knew him from the few times he went and checked his room when he was there. Daehyun didn't know Changkyun, and if Minhyuk still didn't really know him he'd have done the same thing. Ashamed to say, Minhyuk retired his anger and made for a calmer sense because there was no winning this. Daehyun was going to do what he needed to do and due to Minhyuk's carelessness, "I've got to move on. I'm sorry," Daehyun stated before turning. Before he walked through the door, he turned back around with his job still at the forefront of his mind, he turned over his shoulder, "You passed your clean check. Congratulations." 

Minhyuk nodded, facing the ground and scratching at the loose skin close to his nails. He was upset and guilt-ridden, wanting to hit himself at how stupid he had been. He really can't be mad at Daehyun, it's his fault for opening his big mouth. 

Daehyun still stood there, feeling his own sense of guilt. Don't get him wrong, he understood the severity of the situation and what it meant if he were to tell other people about Changkyun's pregnancy. He was simultaneously considering what Changkyun was going through and Minhyuk made sure he did. Daehyun was considerate, he wasn't a bad guy, but he had to admit he was thinking more of himself than Changkyun when comparisons of their situations came to light. He needed this job though and if he were to lose it, there was no way he could pay for anything. His family didn't have a lot of money, it had been hard to make ends meet as a child. He was paying his way entirely through college and if he were to lose his job then he would have to go home and work, putting his education on hold. There was a lot at risk, a lot to consider, and yet, Daehyun felt terrible about his stance he was fronting for Minhyuk. He couldn't let it stay. 

"I'll think about it, but I can't be for certain," Minhyuk spared a hopeful glance and made eye contact with Daehyun. There was no smile and no promise, but Minhyuk noticed a glint of sympathy in his eyes. Daehyun was being kind, but he still couldn't make a promise, "Have a good night," he wished with a turn of his head and hurried step out the door. He was gone in a fleeting second, leaving Minhyuk with his thoughts and the contemplation of what to do. He had to tell Changkyun what he did because he surely couldn't hear it from Daehyun or God forbid, the housing office. He needed to prepare himself for a good yelling at and a damn good apology, one that would resonate in his soul and hopefully earn him mercy. 

Minhyuk had waited and waited, couldn't think about doing anything else, and when Changkyun finally came home, Minhyuk had panicked. He almost immediately jumped to his feet from the sitting room couch and was in front of Changkyun, disregarding the shock on his face and instead jumping right into business, "Changkyun, how are you doing?" he asked a little too loudly, trying to get on his good side and gauging whether or not he was in a good mood. He looked tired but otherwise, he didn't look upset in any way. He would in a few seconds. 

Changkyun regained composure and cleared his throat, "I'm good, a little tired. It was busy at work tonight," he didn't mention that he threw up in the middle of his shift. That wasn't important, "I'm ready for bed honestly," right after an abundance of homework to finish. 

 _Doesn't sound too good_ , Minhyuk thought to himself, "When is your earliest class tomorrow?" diverging the conversation was his best option, butter him up a bit and get him comfortable. 

But Changkyun wasn't having it, "At eleven but I work very early, and I want to get started on my homework if you don't mine," he attempted as kindly as he could, stepping out of the way to get to his room. His feet were really hurting and he would kill to sit down, he hadn't done so in four hours. 

"Wait!" Minhyuk exclaimed, stepping in Changkyun's path. Changkyun's eyes were wide in surprise as the distance between the two was minimized and he was far closer to Minhyuk than was considered comfortable. Minhyuk could sense his discomfort and took this as his cue to step back and give him some more space. Composure was hard to control for him, "I need to tell you something."

Changkyun's brows furrowed in confusion, perplexed. Minhyuk didn't usually go out of his way to tell him something and that was discouraging. This couldn't be good, "What is it?" 

Minhyuk hesitated because he was about to blow his cover and there had been a lack of companionship and less of a kind greeting, "Don't be mad at me," he started, making himself smaller to appear vulnerable. He didn't want to get hit but he was sure Changkyun would act out, even though he didn't know Changkyun all that well. If the roles were switched, Minhyuk would. 

"What did you do?" Changkyun asked, getting a little tired of this game. He was tired in general and he didn't want to be standing anymore. 

Minhyuk swallowed although his throat was dry. The short pain he felt was almost nothing compared to the guilt clutching at his heart with its cold fingers, "I told Daehyun that you're pregnant," he squeezed his eyes shut, afraid of Changkyun's next moves, "It was an accident but he knows and that will be a problem with housing officials if he does end up telling them," geez he sounded like such an asshole. How could he do that?" I'm so sorry, I'm really really sorry! I didn't mean to! It just kind of slipped out. He asked why we switched cleaning supplies and I said it was probably because it's better for the baby and I don't know why I said that and Daehyun didn't like the sound of that and I may be the biggest asshole ever." 

"Hyung!" Changkyun interrupted, placing his hands on Minhyuk's shoulders, slightly taller than him, so he could look him in the eyes. Minhyuk studied his features, his strong and large nose, his dark and round eyes, thick lips, and dark fringe framing it all. He was very handsome, and he didn't appear angry at all. He actually looked... calm. Indifferent. He was just fine and Minhyuk's heart was racing in anxiety because this could all be a mask. He was proven wrong, "It's okay, really," he paused, sighing and taking his time to continue, "It was going to happen sooner or later. Sooner just happens to be the pattern in which everything falls," he looked a little downcast. 

He had accepted that anything coming his way was unorthodox and he was going to be faced with so much more. Might as well accept them now and cease to feel disappointment when more and more falls apart. It's like dropping a phone from fifteen feet above and it cracks. It's not surprising, but it still sucks. Trust was the same way, building it up only to have it knocked down unceremoniously. He wasn't going to get upset though, there was no need. 

"I'm so sorry," Minhyuk apologized again, "A lot could happen and it's all my fault." 

Changkyun shrugged, "My life is a shit show right now. I can't do much about that, can I?" he asked, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders. His back was starting to hurt, but then again, everything was hurting after the long day he'd had, "I'm going to my room now. Have a good night," he wished, slinking past Minhyuk to his room and then closing the door behind him with a soft click that resonated in Minhyuk's resounding ears. It was such a short conversation and there was no hostility, which was incredible. The guilt that was clutching his heart and throat only dug deeper, causing more headache. His throat was so dry, Adam's apple feeling like a rock as he swallowed down his tears and the words he had rehearsed with himself. 

Changkyun had taken it so well and Minhyuk knew it was because he had done so much to aid in the downfall of his current life crises. He may be making this all about himself and his personal struggles, but it was the truth. Changkyun was dealing in his own way and Minhyuk was doing the same. 

Through tears and regret. 

But that hadn't happened right away. He had waited until later in the night when Kihyun was finally home. Kihyun had walked in, exhausted smile on his lips and tired eyes turned into endearing crescents as he greeted his roommate with a full heart. Almost immediately he noticed that Minhyuk appeared off and hadn't greeted him how he usually would. His usual, bubbly answer was dull and quiet until it broke him. A simple question cracked the dam that was holding back Minhyuk's catastrophic emotions. It wasn't like Kihyun had been particularly digging for a deep answer, he just had that power over Minhyuk. 

And when the slightly older male started crying, Kihyun realized that his best friend was weeping and he took up the empty space of Minhyuk's bed with his own body, fitting himself along Minhyuk's side in comfort and warmth. The planes and shape of their bodies fit together perfectly, allowing them to be close has Kihyun provided that physical comfort for his roommate and friend. His arms naturally wrapped around Minhyuk's waist and Minhyuk was quick to hug back, relying on Kihyun's warmth and affection to help him through this episode of hurt and guilty feelings. His nose was pressed into Kihyun's shoulder, sweater-clad. It was bright red. 

"Minhyuk. What's wrong?" asked Kihyun, concerned for this breakdown. He had never seen Minhyuk cry before this was overall surprising, something he hadn't thought would happen. Minhyuk was pretty collected, wasn't in touch with his emotions as other people were, and if something were big enough to bring him to tears, then that something was monumental, "You can tell me," his hand cupped the back of Minhyuk's head, holding him close, elbow holding his back in place. 

Minhyuk sniffled and pulled only his head away from where it was buried, looking up to face Kihyun. His blonde fringe stuck up in tangles, matted by the friction of Kihyun's shoulder, "I keep ruining Changkyun's life," Kihyun looked searching, wanting more detail. What did that mean? "I accidentally told Daehyun that he was pregnant and he can't live in the dorms while pregnant, so he might have to be kicked out," a small gasp escaped Kihyun in shock, "And add to the fact that I told Jooheon that he's a baby daddy, I did what Changkyun was trying to avoid. What kind of a person does that? Someone with a mouth as big as mine evidently, and now he'll be homeless and scramble to find a different place and his parents will find out and they're not supposed to know at all! How can I fuck up so bad over and over?" he asked sincerely, looking for an answer even though Kihyun wouldn't give him one. Kihyun wasn't that type of person. 

Kihyun was sympathetic and his empathy was powerful, able to pull at the darkest pits of Minhyuk's subconscious, able to pull the sunshine back from Minhyuk and heal his wounds, "Blaming yourself won't make you feel better, and blaming yourself won't fix anything that's already been done. What did Changkyun say?" he expected something foul and insulting, Changkyun probably used all the bad words he knew and made sure to give Minhyuk a piece of his mind. Although Kihyun was Minhyuk's friend, he would have been angry as well. That was a big secret he just spilled to the man who was in direct contact with the people who allowed him to live on campus. But Kihyun wasn't here to point out everything he had done wrong, he was here to wipe away his tears and allow reprieve. 

"He was completely fine. Went right to his room."

Well, that was odd, but it also wasn't? "Then why are you so upset if he was fine? Seems silly don't you think?" 

"Because I'm frustrated with myself and frustrated with my actions. Changkyun is going through so much and through my mindless idiocy, he'll have more on his plate and he will still have to deal with it all whether or not I apologize. I can't do anything and he is the one who is forced to fix anything that comes around and I'm such an asshole!" he ended with a shout, burying his face back into Kihyun's shoulder. Sobs wracked his shoulders, shaking with the cries in violent waves. Shame was powerful and Minhyuk felt it rip his throat in power of discernment, "Changkyun would be sitting pretty right now if I hadn't said anything at all."

"All you can do now is support him, right?" Kihyun asked as a way to direct Minhyuk's thoughts elsewhere, "Mistakes were made, there's no turning back, but providing him a sense of your involvement in his life will provide him more comfort than you think," he ran his fingers through Minhyuk's blonde hair, soft and fluffy, "He's working on trusting people and from the looks of it, even though he has no need to, he still has that inkling of trust with you. You need to prove yourself to him, actions speak louder than words. Okay?" he asked, dipping his nose into the top of Minhyuk's hair, taking in the sweet smell of his shampoo. 

"You are so amazing and have done so much right in the world. A few mistakes can't blind him from what you're really capable of doing. You've done so much for me, and I can't tell you how thankful I am for you. You're probably my favorite person ever. Can you show him how amazing you really are?" 

"Okay," Minhyuk gasped, attempting to regain his shuddering breath. He was hiccuping and his chest was starting to hurt, but now, mentally, he had a plan written out for him to apply to his future actions. Guilt was still horrible but his heart felt significantly less heavy with intentions to correct his errors, "I will. Thank you," he wished as he turned his head to look up at Kihyun while still clinging to his form. 

But there was something different about this time. Kihyun had a way with words and it set his heart ablaze with respect and admiration. But looking at him now, he was overcome with pure adoration. Staring at his face now, he wonders how he hadn't noticed how handsome Kihyun was before. He'd always thought he was pretty good-looking, but he was overcome with this unexplainable emotion and inclination to be closer to his suddenly dashing features and how perfect he looked. Minhyuk hadn't realized how close he was to Kihyun's face, but Kihyun sure had noticed. 

It had been awkward for a split second, the proximity all too intimate for friends, but he found he didn't mind his lingering gaze, face too close and breaths ghosting over each other's skin. Kihyun didn't know what to do in all honesty, but he did what came to mind as he watched another tear start to roll down his smooth and pale skin. He brought up a tender hand to wipe away that same tear as it fell from his lash line, wet and clumped cutely as he peered up through the fan of his lashes at his friend from his place on his shoulder. His hand benevolently cupped his cheek, holding it in the warmth of his palm. The thumb that wiped the tear away traced along the outline of his cheekbone and couldn't help but notice how perfectly it fit in his palm. Like a puzzle piece, Minhyuk matched him in an unexpected way that had his heart skipping excitedly. 

They stare at each other a little too long, eyes locked and intertwined and for a moment Kihyun looks down to Minhyuk's pink lips. Curiosity tickling his nerves and it was seemingly out of nowhere. Kihyun had never felt this way about Minhyuk before, had never considered anything further than hugging, but the moment was bizarre and it was revelation with feeling. Minhyuk felt butterflies fluttering in his tummy, uninvited and unexpected, something he hadn't thought he would feel when looking at Minhyuk, someone he had known for years now. His lips felt dry and he wanted nothing more than to wet them but thinking about it now, it would be inappropriate qnd considering their proximity, would it invite further action? 

Minhyuk quickly grew flustered after Kihyun glanced down at his lips for the third time. Not knowing how to address so in words, Minhyuk took the alternative and curled back into Kihyun's chest with his cheek pressed above his heart, avoiding eye contact and instead reveling in his presence and how comforting he was. All of those previous feelings were knocked onto the backburner to hopefully be forgotten, burnt far past recognition in hopes that this wouldn't have to be spoken about again. It was all so fleeting and all Minhyuk could think about now was controlling his tears that were threatening to spill further. At what now, he didn't know what. Kihyun adopted that previous role as comforter but his mind was clear on a direction, no intention to do what was previously done. 

Neither knew what had happened, but both knew it had been nice and it had been pleasant albeit puzzling. Nothing more was said, just silence and the fact that they were merely friends and nothing more. Only friends. 

\-------

It had been a past few stressful days. Changkyun was beat from all the effort he had to go through in order to make life easier for himself, which is ironic but the truth. Keeping up with his classes while also feeling dangerously unmotivated was a struggle and having to deal with the lingering fear that the resident assistants would call him to their office and kick him out of the only place he's allowed to live hung over his head. His chores and responsibilities were left until the last minute and until it started to bother him again. But nothing bothered him as much as this pregnancy, but he couldn't fixate on that. He'd already done that too much already and all it had been was a waste of time. 

Right now, he was focused on how he didn't have any homework for the night. He had somehow managed to get everything done either on time or beforehand and the result was no assignments left to do for the afternoon and a whole lot of free time. It was at this moment when he was debating what he should do with his clear schedule when Hyungwon entered the room with a large smile, as per usual, and announced excitedly, "You, Hyunwoo hyung, and I are all hanging out tonight." 

"We are?" Changkyun asked in astonishment. His thought process on how to spend all of his free time had been to read, paint, or look up baby stuff and what he would need to do when an actual baby was here. Something he would have to do at some point and tonight seemed as good as any. Being social and interacting with other people hadn't even crossed his mind, yet here he was with plans to do so, "How did that happen?" he asked, settling further into his bed. He had been sitting up but he preferred laying down over everything recently and that's often where he ended up before long. His back always felt better when he laid down, gave him the chance to stretch it out and relax. 

"I got Hyunwoo hyung's number shortly after we met and I've kept in touch with him. Today he's free, I'm free, and I was hoping you were free so we could go to that little cafe by campus and hang out," Hyungwon looked hopeful. Even though he was a little shy, Hyungwon was pretty skilled at socializing and it helped that Hyunwoo was going to be their roommate, so talking to him was kind of easy. It had taken a while for him to even suggest that he, Changkyun, and Hyunwoo even meet up, only asking after he was sure that Hyunwoo was as cool as he seemed, "If we talk today we can get to know each other a little better which is a good thing since, you know, we're going to be living with him soon," he reminded as he sat on his bed, facing Changkyun still with an expectant grin, "But if you're busy then that's okay too. We can always reschedule."

Changkyun could easily lie and go to the library claiming he was going to do homework and instead take a nap on one of the many couches, or even claim that he was tired and actually take a nap, but he was getting to know Hyungwon a lot better and lying point-blank to his face was unkind and felt immoral, was a step in the wrong direction. And Changkyun didn't feel as circumventive of social interactions today, which was odd and unlike him. He figured it would be a good time, especially when he was supposed to be getting to know his future roommate and it would be good to gauge more of his character to see what he's really like, "No, I can totally go. When are we leaving?" he asked, pulling his phone out to open his bank app and see how much he had. He was currently saving for a baby and with the knowledge of the amount he owned at that moment, he could figure out how much he could spend and what was too much. Budgeting was a skill he was going to have to improve on with so much to pay for soon. 

"About an hour," Hyungwon grimaced, having the audacity to look bashful when he had clearly planned this in advance with Hyunwoo. But maybe that had been his plan, knowing Changkyun would try to weasel himself out of it to avoid social interaction. Given less of a time window to come up with an excuse not to go would ensure his joining, "Is that okay?" 

Changkyun wanted to sigh, in lieu of composing himself and preparing himself for what was going to happen in an hour, but he didn't. He gave a small smile and nodded in agreement, signaling his attending, "Of course, hyung. I think it will be fun actually." 

Hyungwon smiled gleefully back in surprise, happy that Changkyun was taking this chance and pushing himself out of his comfort zone. But he felt that addressing it wouldn't help and that it would distress Changkyun and possibly make him uncomfortable. So leaving that detail out of it, he spoke, "Awesome! I'll even buy since it was so last minute," and hearing that offer, Changkyun couldn't turn it down. It was too good to do that. 

"Sounds good." 

In the hour before leaving for the cafe, Hyungwon and Changkyun chatted with each other and shared about their days, going into detail what they thought was worth mentioning. Communication was improving exponentially between the two and Changkyun was starting to enjoy it all. Confiding in someone as much as he could right now was lifting a load off his heart and shoulders, making him feel free and like he could really trust Hyungwon even though what he was sharing wasn't the deepest material. Hyungwon was willing to listen no matter how mundane and it was pleasant for lack of a better word. Changkyun was starting to enjoy speaking up. He just hoped that he would feel the same about what was soon to come. Warming up to Hyunwoo was going to be a feat and he hoped he could properly do so. 

It was a short drive over, a few blocks and it took much less time than it would have to walk there. Changkyun didn't get the chance often to drive a car anywhere and going somewhere casual with his friend was a nice change in pace. He didn't get to do this often at all, never really did it in high school either. The friends he did have in that time were strictly school friends and had never taken the time to hang out with them outside of class or passing period. Except for one person, but they had been a factor in his hard downfall and he'd rather not think about it when this was a turning point for the better. It hurt too much to do so. 

Luckily, before Changkyun could go too far down that rabbit hole, he and Hyungwon arrived at their destination and the short time Changkyun had spent in a rut of bad memories was now replaced with anxiety in anticipation for all the talking he was going to be doing. Hyunwoo didn't seem like a bad guy. He seemed collected and kind, but that could change as soon as beliefs were involved and something as drastic as Changkyun bringing a whole new life into the world. Changkyun didn't plan to tell him anything about the upcoming baby, but it would have to come up eventually and Changkyun was afraid of his response. It would probably be worse if Hyunwoo knew him better, able to communicate effectively what he didn't like about the situation as opposed to if he were just meeting him. Having a relationship with someone brought out honest feelings, and Changkyun would prefer not hearing Hyunwoo's opinion on it. He wanted to be spared the hurt feelings. 

Hyunwoo was already inside, according to Hyungwon, and the older lead the younger into the small cafe, anxiety clearly evident on Changkyun's features. He was starting to feel nauseous from the emotions he was feeling and he was so glad he had stuck his pack of gum in his pocket so he could hopefully keep it at bay. Gum was proving helpful when it came to ill-feeling and general pregnancy nausea and he was grateful Kihyun had given him some and opened his eyes to the benefits of carrying it around. The cinnamon burned his nose and tickled his throat, enough to distract him from the anxiety and the butterflies he felt in his tummy. 

Changkyun spotted him immediately. Hyunwoo was already sitting at a table near the front of the small restaurant to make himself more visible when Hyungwon and Changkyun eventually showed up. Hyungwon was quick to walk up to him and say hello, hands connecting in a casual "bro" handshake before bumping shoulders in a half hug. Changkyun was next, a little more hesitant but still as enthusiastic to greet Hyunwoo, "Hello, hyung," he greeted a little stiffly, bowing a deep and respectful ninety-degree angle with their hands still connected, failing to keep the casualties between them. It was definitely overkill, but he had acted too fast and on impulse. Embarrassment flushed his cheeks and he tried to avoid direct eye contact and compose himself. 

But his greeting may have flattered Hyunwoo to some extent as he laughed heartily and pulled on Changkyun's hand slightly, forcing him to straighten back up. They commenced a proper bro hug before he was responding in return in a manner warmer than Changkyun's had been, "Hello, Changkyun. I haven't had many chances to get to speak to you yet so I'm happy that I get to today," he mused with a kind smile, eyes such endearing and handsome crescents. The slightest tooth gap he had made him seem much friendlier and more approachable despite his size and stature. His smile warmed everything over in a way that had Changkyun's anxious heart calming in his chest. Hyunwoo was an enigma to Changkyun still, "Hyungwon has already told me a lot about you already and I think you're pretty rad!" he exclaimed, soft chuckle leaving his throat as their hands finally disconnected. Hyunwoo was kind and had a large smile and Changkyun was feeling much better about this meet up than he had before. 

"Maybe not that rad," Changkyun spluttered indignantly, never having received a compliment quite like that. Compliments typically weren't something he received and if he were to ever receive one from anyone, he had a difficult time accepting it. The only person he ever receives compliments from willingly is his brother and he missed Changwoo dearly. He always knew what to say to get Changkyun smiling like an idiot. 

"Should we grab some coffee and choose a spot to sit?" Hyungwon offered with a smile, already throwing a glance at the menu that was hanging up on the wall, framed in fairy lights, "Then we can really find out how awesome Changkyun is," his dopey smile had Changkyun scrunching his nose in distaste, finding it hard to accept such a compliment. The way Changkyun thought about it, he wanted to get to know Hyunwoo more than he wanted the older to get to know him. Yet he didn't have that choice, years of guarding himself coming into play and preventing other's easy access to any information about him. His heart was a safe that needed a code to crack into it. 

"I wouldn't guarantee that," Changkyun rumbled, shoving his hands in his sweatshirt pocket to warm them. The chill of the November air was starting to get to him and his fingers were feeling the most of it. He should have grabbed a proper jacket on his way out of the dorms but he hadn't thought that far. The only thing on his mind was the constant loop that he was willingly going to hang out with friends. It was shocking enough to distract him from taking care of himself. 

Both Hyungwon and Hyunwoo ordered their coffees quickly, knowing exactly what they wanted due to frequent visits to the establishment. Changkyun would have ordered coffee as well after a few minutes of exploring the options but his uncertainty of whether or not he could have coffee while pregnant was at the forefront of his mind and choosing not to look it up on his phone when he was with someone who didn't know he was pregnant, he went for something without coffee or caffeine. He played it safe by ordering a boba milk tea, peach and amber pearls like the ones he would get with his family in high school. Once that tall cup was in his hands, a sense of nostalgia took over and he felt almost happy. After a long day at school or a long day at work, he could always count on his mother to take him to get his favorite boba and Changwoo was always there to tag along. Their father wasn't the biggest fan of boba but he would tag along anyway, relaying his day to his children and wife and listening to their stories to share. Changkyun remembered a lot of laughs and it was times like this when times weren't so bad when he was home. Between all the strictness and the way his parents controlled certain aspects of his life, he had good moments and he had fun. He couldn't deny that. 

To complete the moment of bliss, Changkyun grabbed the can of whipped cream he had been glancing at since he walked into the cafe and made sure to add a heavy amount to the top. It was for those who ordered coffee and hot chocolate but putting it on his boba seemed like a good idea, and taking that first sip of tea was almost heavenly. It was an odd combination, something he had never tried before, but he figured he was just branching out. Today was a day out of the ordinary, the excitement might just be getting to him and adding whipped cream to his milk tea was something he was willing to try. When he walked over to the table his friends were sitting at, he didn't miss the questionable look he was shot from Hyungwon. It wasn't normal to do, but it looked good to Changkyun. Tasted good too.

The questions came almost immediately after Changkyun sat down, only allowing him one sip of his tea before Hyunwoo was speaking up, "I don't know your major, Changkyun. It never came up because I wanted to hear it from you," again, that smile was nearly mesmerizing and Changkyun felt so comfortable in his presence. His genuine curiosity caught Changkyun off guard. That kind of question was typical, something every college student asked as though it were customary. The information was never retained though, often asked multiple times. But this time, Changkyun figured Hyunwoo would actually care since they were going to be roommates. 

"I'm a painting, er, art major, but technically I'm pre-art right now. I have to get accepted into the art program first before I can really call myself that. I'll have to apply in spring," he would be turning in a portfolio that he would have to carefully construct and consider in hopes that his art would be deemed skilled enough to get into the program. By the time it will be due, he'll be heavily pregnant and heavily unmotivated. A pang of dread shook his heart but he didn't dare let it show. Not when he was with others. 

He should start calling them his friends. 

Especially after how excited Hyunwoo seemed after hearing Changkyun was an art major, "No way, you're an art major?! Can I see some of your work?" Hyunwoo asked with a huge and interested smile, a slight bounce in his movements. Changkyun had been expecting that kind of response. It was customary for every art major to hear that question from anyone and everyone they ever talked to about studying art. It never bothered Changkyun, he had heard that question the entirety of his life, since he was a kid, and hearing it now was no different. It had become such a common occurrence in everyday conversation that he even had a folder saved on his phone with just pictures of his artwork. He only ever took pictures of the good ones and God knows how many went straight into the garbage due to his impatience with working what he already had. Art was hard and sometimes even his level of skill wasn't enough to work with. 

Changkyun nodded with a small smile, not genuine. He'd lost the pride of his art long ago after harsh criticism that comes with art in classes and his own self judgement, "Of course," he nodded, removing his phone from his pocket, fingers moving on autopilot, quickly opening the folder he had saved for this specific reason before handing it over to Hyunwoo to peer through, "You can scroll through if you want," he offered, trusting the older with his phone. There was nothing on it that would be incriminating, so why be so shy about sharing? There was nothing Hyunwoo could dig up on him. 

And so Hyunwoo scrolled and with each piece he laid his eyes on, a coo or awe left his lips in amazement. Changkyun would peek over to see which one Hyunwoo was fixated on and each time he did he was impressed by what he saw as well. He had his favorites in there and hearing how much Hyunwoo liked it all made him feel even better about what he had painted or drew. There was even a sculpture in there and Hyunwoo had studied it for quite a while before he was satisfied and moved onto the next piece. Even Hyungwon looked, hadn't really had the chance to look at all of Changkyun's artworks collectively like this. Hyungwon's praises were welcomed yet Changkyun's inability to accept compliments was still getting to him, but the two ignored it. Showering him with praise and positive regards. Changkyun felt a little special at that moment, the attention still overwhelming but the words of affirmation still making him smile. 

Eventually, they moved on after looking at every work in Changkyun's file and it was Changkyun's turn to ask Hyunwoo what he was studying. Hyunwoo perked up and smiled, "I'm a physics major with a minor in chemistry," he stated, taking a sip from his macchiato. Changkyun could smell it and the smell made his nurse scrunch, suddenly finding the slightest aversion to coffee. Maybe he wasn't supposed to have it after all? 

But Changkyun had to engage himself and hearing what his future roommate was studying was interesting and it amazed him! It truly was and he couldn't not talk about that, "Are you really?" he was in disbelief and he found himself pressing further, "You must be really smart then, huh?" you had to be a genius with a major like that. Those weren't easy subjects and they took fragments of other subjects as well. A lot of math and science and other things that Changkyun found difficult to comprehend for himself. 

Hyunwoo shrugged bashfully in a tone of humility, "That's relative," another shrug. Down playing. 

"Are you kidding me? You're like the next Einstein!" Hyungwon butted in an eruption of passion and knowing. 

Hyunwoo frowned, "Oh, I wouldn't say that. That's far too much."

Hyungwon scoffed and turned to face Changkyun, "He was his high school's valedictorian and the class president, and he has a full ride scholarship here. He's the smartest person I know and is literally a prodigal genius, a modern day Einstein. I'm telling you!" he was insistent and Changkyun couldn't help but believe his every word. Hyunwoo sure sounded like a genius, but why was he so casual about it? He sounded a lot like Changkyun did when he was asked about his talents. Belittling his own talents. Everyone was their own worst critic and Hyunwoo was a perfect example of that.  

"Schooling always came naturally to me, was the only thing I was good at. Spent most of my time with my nose in a book.”

"Also not true!" Hyungwon objected, insanely impressive eye roll following. Changkyun swore the older boy strained himself with how dramatic it had been, "He told me he danced and was on dance teams in high school. He won't show me anything though, too afraid that I'll feel bad about myself," Hyungwon joked, "I was on a high school dance team, too. I'm almost certain he's afraid he'll upstage me if he were to show me videos and I'll hate myself forever. Feeling inadequate for the rest of my worthless life," that was some harsh criticism, Changkyun thought. He knew it was in light fun but when he thought that way, he meant it. 

"Maybe a little," Hyunwoo laughed when Hyungwon's expression turned dramatically sour, sounding like milk and honey, "Showcasing my talents was never really my thing. To me and me only, I feel like if I show others what I do then that becomes bragging. Others can do it, they can do whatever they want, but I've been raised in a very humbling household and "showing-off" was never something I did," he shrugged, lips twisted. Growing up in humility was something Changkyun had dealt with as well, with parents that believed the only noteworthy attribute should be loving God. His art was praised, but not in the way God was in his household. Opening up in this way with someone he just met felt inappropriate and so that thought was kept to himself as he listened to Hyungwon and Hyunwoo continue to tease each other. 

"But please, "show off" as much as you want to today. I'd love to hear it," Hyunwoo assured both Hyungwon and Changkyun. Hyunwoo was doing an excellent job of letting them feel welcomed and inviting an aura of amiability. Hyungwon was taking that to its full advantage while Changkyun was more cautious, still testing the waters. He had a big secret kept to himself. 

And it was making him feel guilty. 

After an hour of talking amongst themselves, sharing stories and details about themselves, Changkyun grew more and more anxious about the biggest secret he was keeping from Hyunwoo. And while he didn't feel bad about not telling just about every other person about his pregnancy, he really needed to tell Hyunwoo due to the fact that he would be a big part of the process. Changkyun would be living with the older in his biggest months and there was a possibility that he would end up giving birth while classes were still going on. Going into this arrangement blindly was the worst thing he could do to Hyunwoo and no one deserved that kind of disrespect. It would come as a huge surprise and Changkyun had no idea how he was going to react. Would he be angry? Would he tell their landlord and have his contract canceled? Would he tell others? Slut shame him for being stupid enough to get pregnant in the first semester of his freshman year? What would he say? He was kind now when there was nothing to judge yet, but would that change once he knew? He would have to tell him and find out. That wasn't something he wanted to find out. 

Deep in his thoughts, sitting at the table with Hyungwon and Hyunwoo, Changkyun had checked out and wasn't even present for the conversation. None of the words they spoke processed and it was more background noise than anything, a soundtrack to his life of confusion and trial. He couldn't think properly and he couldn't connect dots and nothing was making sense. He sat quietly and sipped on his milk tea, chewing the occasional boba that slipped past his straw. He couldn't think of anything casual to say, not when he was so focused on his dilemma. 

At some point, he started to insert himself back into the conversation bit by bit, paying the slightest bit more attention but only to every other word or phrase spoken. He was still so distracted and Hyungwon had noticed, now accustomed to how Changkyun functioned in conversation. He didn't press it and it seemed that Hyunwoo hadn't quite caught on that Changkyun was having a mental breakdown and hopefully assumed he was just being quiet or was a quiet person in general. Everyone had their own time limit on social interaction and Changkyun's appeared to reach that limit. Hyunwoo wasn't going to press when he barely knew the younger and Changkyun greatly appreciated it. He was pretty self-aware and aware of what was going around him and he took the initiative to take action. 

In the time that Changkyun kept quiet, he had been creating a dialogue between himself and Hyunwoo, planning out what he was going to say at a future time. Sometimes responses from Hyunwoo were planned out so that Changkyun had options for wherever the conversation took a turn, prepared for every possible outcome. All he could fixate on was the guilt and the anxiety he felt about everything and it was, unfortunately, making its way into their current conversation and positions. His presence and stature were dropping negatively and both of the boys he was with were thankfully too distracted to notice the extent of Changkyun's disposition. Changkyun hoped it would stay that way. 

It was getting to the point where conversation was getting mundane and interest levels were lowering, not in disinterest in the person, but due to the fact that they had other things going on in their lives still that were a bit more pressing. Hyunwoo had a few assignments due tonight that he would prefer to start soon so he wouldn't have to stay up too late. Physics homework was pretty intensive and time-consuming. Hyungwon was getting to a point where he was satisfied with the time he spent with his newfound friend and was good to go home. After all the time spent today, it was just a good point to end and part ways. They were all winding down and it was getting to the end of their time together.

As a way to segway into that conversation between them all, Hyunwoo rubbed at his eyes, a small yawn stifled into his wrist before he reached for another, short sip of his coffee to help the fatigue. It was never-ending with how much time he spent awake looking at study material and his books, always tired and ready for a nap. His yawn was a genuine action that would aid in the new topic, "I'm tired," he initiated with yet another yawn just to sell his truth. Normally, one would offer that they leave to let the other person get some rest, but Changkyun had other ideas. 

It was out of nowhere, mid-conversation, guilt so strong that it had to come out in the most inconvenient of ways. It was fast, slipped past his lips without much effort and it was almost immediately after Hyunwoo's statement. After hearing the oldest speak, Changkyun immediately countered with a swift and nonchalant, “I’m pregnant," some pretty groundbreaking stuff as he held eye contact with Hyunwoo. Totally and completely an accident, but there was no going or taking it back now. The truth was out and as a way of self-punishment for his outburst, Changkyun bit the tip of his tongue and the irony tang of blood filled his mouth. He was such an idiot for laying it on him like that without warning. 

Hyungwon had been shocked unsurprisingly, not by the information since he already knew it, but by the setting in which Changkyun shared his biggest secret and weak point. It had taken painstaking conditions in order for Changkyun to really talk about it with him, but it only took a single sentence for him to admit it freely to Hyunwoo. No way it was on purpose and the shock was still debilitating. Hyungwon didn’t know what to say to have them moving forward, but Hyunwoo sure did. 

Not that it was eloquent, “You’re what?” he looked like a deer in the headlights, picture perfect. His jaw was slightly slack, eyes slightly wide, and hands open palmed on the table, body not sure what to do with this new information. If he had been holding his coffee, it would surely be on the ground now, spilled and making a mess. 

“I know you heard me,” Changkyun stated with the desire not to say it again, eyes locked on his drink as he swirled the straw in the container, scraping up the last few boba he didn’t manage to get to. He was filling nauseous again and the thought of putting the last few pearls in his mouth had him wanting to throw up, but that was also the anxiety and stress, “I just thought you’d like to know since we’ll be roommates soon,” probably not anymore though. No way he was going to be allowed in that house now. 

He was fully expecting Hyunwoo to get angry with him because who willingly wants to live with a baby in college besides Hyungwon? Babies are loud, they take up a lot of space, they smell, and they are demanding, completely dependent on anyone around them. Hyunwoo knew what babies were like, he had spoken to the two of them about how many cousins he had and how he grew up surrounded by babies, he knew exactly how they are. Take that and put it into the house he currently lives in and anyone would be angry, anyone would fight that notion and Changkyun was just waiting for it. He was waiting for Hyunwoo to yell at him and tell him how irresponsible he was, tell him to cancel his contract and find somewhere else to live. Changkyun might as well take that extra step so Hyunwoo doesn’t have to, attempting to rectify the situation to the best of his ability, “I’ll find another place to live after the next semester, or even now if you’re upset with me. I won’t bother you, I promise,” he was ready to stand and leave, already go house hunting for a smaller place. He should look into apartments, in all honesty, it would be so much easier on everyone. Regret took over his being and he felt like crying, wanting to hide away from everyone, "I'm sorry."

Hyunwoo’s brows furrowed and he frowned but surprisingly, not in an angry way. It was confusion and disbelief at what he was being told. Maybe even concern at what he had heard, afraid that maybe he was portraying himself poorly enough for Changkyun to read him the wrong way, "Why are you sorry?" genuine curiosity and Changkyun felt as though he was being pranked or he was walking into a joke blindly, "Really? Why?" 

"I'll be turning your world upside down if I stay and that's not worth it when you barely know me," Changkyun stated as though it were an obvious truth. It should be at this point, "And it's rude. I would not, will not force that on you," Changkyun was ready to flee, ready to get in the car with Hyungwon and go home. This whole exchange was awkward and it was getting more painful the more the time passed. Watching from the sidelines, Hyungwon was ready to flee as well, wanting to avoid confrontation and anything that he was picturing that could happen during the remainder of this meetup. He was readying his stuff to head out the door, expecting a similar reaction that Changkyun was imagining. Hyunwoo probably wouldn't be happy about living with a baby. Neither had been expecting a positive reaction because he was a stranger and would definitely go off, but that was exactly what they got. 

 

Hyunwoo chuckled amicably, eyes round with stars, repairing the situation by making it light and less serious than they were making it, "It's not rude at all," he assured with a small and cautious smile, "Don't get me wrong, it's a bit shocking and caught me off guard but don't be so upset about it," he started, carefully planning his words, adjusting himself in his seat, "Don't be sorry either. I'm not mad, not at all," he assured. Changkyun looked up cautiously from his drink and made eye contact with the oldest among them and saw nothing but warm feelings and friendliness. Hyunwoo continued, kind, "In fact, if it makes you feel any better, I love babies! I'm actually pretty excited for you," his words were sporadic and quick and shocking, "When are you due?" 

"Mid May," Changkyun spluttered nearly under his breath, disbelief only evident. This was taking a weird turn for him, and Hyunwoo didn't look like the type to love babies. He looked too built and muscular for that. Changkyun would think he would accidentally crush them if he held them. 

"A spring baby!" Hyunwoo cheered, clapping his hands together in front of him, "That's really awesome! I'm super happy for you. Around finals?" he asked next, failing to look concerned about the prospect of having a baby during one of the most stressful times of the year. He was just asking for a time frame. Changkyun nodded and Hyunwoo hummed, thinking for a second before realizing that Changkyun was panicking a little bit about everything. He understood, "You've met the landlord, you've seen how he is and how he deals with people. If you were to tell him, I'm sure he'd be understanding and he might not even mind! He might charge you a little more since there is another person in the house that will be taking up room but maybe he won't, I don't know," Changkyun still looked hesitant and Hyunwoo made sure to pacify his friend, smiling as comfortably as he could at the youngest, "I'm not upset, I'm excited, and you chose the best house for this kind of thing. We can work this out. I can see the worry in your eyes and I can tell you right now that there is no need to be so anxious about this."

"You're really just okay with having a baby in the house? Don't you think that will be an issue or a nuisance?" Changkyun was confused, why was he accepting this so easily? Even Hyungwon hadn't been this fast to accept the news. He had needed to process and think about how he was going to properly support Changkyun on this whole journey. Hyunwoo was hopping on that train immediately and it was so bizarre, "And who says I'm staying when the baby is born? My plan was to move out by the time the baby is born so no one has to deal with all that screaming."

"No! Stay! I love babies!" Hyunwoo pouted and Changkyun was taken aback, "And after hanging out today, I think you're pretty cool. It would be fun to live together," Changkyun would take that for a lie but Hyunwoo's thoughts and emotions were easy to read and even though he just started getting to know him, he trusted his perception of him. He was being honest and genuine, "It's not that hard to live with a baby. I lived with a baby in high school when my aunt lived with us for a while, six months old and a wailer, barely slept. I think I'm pretty conditioned to the ups and downs of tiny humans. I can sleep through crying." 

“Are you insane?” Changkyun asked with gusto as the last chance for Hyunwoo to change his mind. This was a big commitment and Hyunwoo wasn’t the father, he didn’t have to involve himself at all if he didn't want to, “Is there something wrong with you?”

Hyunwoo laughed, deep from the lower belly, “No, nothing wrong as far as I know. I think it would be awesome to have a mini roommate." 

It was quiet for a few seconds, processing that statement having taken far too long to take in. This was outrageous, "How are you this kind?" Changkyun asked, incredulity taking over his entire being, "You don't have to be at all yet you are. I don't understand." 

Hyunwoo smiled sweetly, small and comforting, "I'm not quick to judge, and I'd like to consider you my friend already. I'm here for you and I'm excited for that baby," he nodded, eyes traveling down to where Changkyun's stomach was. His eyes were quick to flick back up to his face, "I don't mind, not at all. I've missed living with a baby. I think it will be more in my element than you think," he chuckled, taking the last sip of his coffee, "If anything were to bother me I would say something, I promise. But this doesn't, so please feel free to move into the house without fear." 

"Okay," Changkyun stuttered, looking over to Hyungwon as a way of help and aid. But Hyungwon was smiling and nodding, prompting him to readily agree but only if he was okay with his decision rather than go along with it because someone told him to. Changkyun smiled back, "I will. But don't be afraid to change your mind when this kid gets poop everywhere," he joked, earning laughs from both of the boys he was sitting with. 

"I won't say a thing. I might just end up helping you if that does happen," Hyunwoo assured, turning to say something to Hyungwon but Changkyun hadn't caught it. He was again, too distracted to retain what he had said. 

Changkyun was astounded. This was a real eye-opener after the perception he had of people was just proven wrong by Hyunwoo and had been previously disproven by Hyungwon. For a second, Changkyun realizes that people aren’t as bad as he thinks they are. There are people who can fill out that the 'bad' criteria to a 'T', but then again, he hasn't met many of those people while he's been here at college. Not even Jooheon was bad, he just irritated Changkyun to no end and for good reason. He had only met good people who tried to do right by him and it was enlightening in all sincerity. 

Changkyun grew up and spent time with people that weren't very great and its a nice change of pace to find people who actually and genuinely care for him and consider his part of whatever is at the forefront of their minds. There is no one side, it's made up of several and he had managed to find people that were willing to consider that. High school hurt him when it came to impressions. There were people he spent time with that hurt him and told him he was never good enough. That happened every day and it really stuck to Changkyun. One person he would never forget about left the biggest impact on him, left him feeling worthless and like a mistake. It was so far drilled into his head that even years later, this person had his believing that people would give up on him and leave him to fend for himself. Meeting someone like Hyungwon and Hyunwoo was becoming and it had him changing his mind about a lot when it came to others. 

Especially Jooheon. He had been so angry at the older yet he hadn't given him the time of day or taken the time to hear him out. Sure he had taken steps in the wrong direction and had told Changkyun what to do with his body, but Hyungwon had done the same and look where he was now. He was just as concerned with this baby as Jooheon was and he thought that it was time to stop playing this game of cat and mouse and instead forget it. He hadn't given him a real chance, but now he should. 

And after he and Hyungwon left the small cafe, wishing their farewells to Hyunwoo, it had taken until they were back at the dorm for Changkyun to finally ask Hyungwon for Jooheon's number. The look of dumbfoundedness on the older boy's face had been comical but also proud. This was a huge step for Changkyun and Hyungwon recognized that, "I'm going to talk to Jooheon and stop all this tension between us. It'll be better if we can communicate like adults from now on. I haven't been very mature about it at all and I really should considering I'm the one having the baby. I’m the one who has to let him in." 

Hyungwon didn't voice it, but Changkyun could tell how proud he was of him from the way his face morphed from shock to curled lips and squinted eyes. The smile he bore was of pure admiration and relief, elation at how Changkyun had come to this conclusion and that he was giving one of Hyungwon's oldest friends another chance. Hyungwon was a hugger and due to instinct, even with the knowledge that Changkyun wasn't one for physical touch, he initiated it anyway with good intentions. He brought the younger closer to his chest and wrapped his arms around him in a warm hug. 

When arms wrapped around his torso, Changkyun stiffened, not used to any physical touch but he tried not to let it show. He knew Hyungwon was aware of his boundaries, but this was a moment between the two of them. Changkyun wasn't finding the action that appalling and he didn't know why when he'd always had such an aversion before, but with the same good intention Hyungwon had, he reciprocated the gesture wholeheartedly. His arms mirrored Hyungwon's and he held the taller close in a 'close friend' type of hug. Hyungwon had hugged Changkyun before, but never had he returned the same gesture. Changkyun couldn't remember the last time he had given a hug, but giving one now... it was nice. Weird, but nice. 

"I'm proud of you," Hyungwon added, genuity saturating his voice in bliss. Changkyun had come so far. 

"Thank you," Changkyun mumbled into Hyungwon's shoulder, entirely grateful that Hyungwon had tagged along and had supported him even from the sidelines. He greatly appreciated any and every effort made. 

"No problem," Hyungwon hummed with a small giggle. Changkyun was growing right before his eyes and it really was making him feel proud, maybe because he had some part in aiding that change. No more words were needed and the two felt better in each other's presence. Changkyun really had found himself a best friend and he was lucky enough for that best friend to be his roommate.  

\-------

 

Changkyun had texted Jooheon. It had taken a while for him to formulate what he wanted to say, but he decided that the best option was to get straight to it. He'd sent 'Can we meet up and talk? It would be better if it was in person.' Changkyun had no idea how to go about this. He was awkward, wishy-washy, didn't have a plan, but he had no way to discuss this and he had no prior knowledge of taking the first step in a heart to heart. He had a lack of communication skills based on years of avoiding such communication, and his only hope was that he could effectively say what he needed to.  

He had invited Jooheon to his dorm. Not his room or his unit but instead the dorm's lounge, away from his deemed safe space. If anything were to arise while Jooheon was visiting, he preferred it not be close to where he felt the safest. 

Jooheon had been on time and Changkyun let him in immediately, wanting to get this over with while also establishing a safe connection between the two of them. It had been a warm hello on Jooheon's part but for Changkyun, he was still uneasy and skittish. He had nearly forgotten to bow when Jooheon greeted him, very delayed and awkward. But Jooheon didn't seem to mind. 

"You dyed your hair," Changkyun stated when they were sitting at one of the tables placed in the lounge. Jooheon had originally headed towards the couch but Changkyun wasn't that comfortable yet. Sitting at the table now, Changkyun could get a good look at Jooheon and while he had noticed the difference in hair color immediately, he could now get a good look at it. What was once bleached white was now a soft purple that paired well with his lightly tanned skin tone. 

Jooheon smiled and ran a hand through his hair, mussing the curls up only slightly, "I did. Do you like it?" he asked with a pretty smile, eyes disappearing into smooth crescents and dimples prominent. 

"I do," Changkyun nodded with his own small smile, not reaching his eyes due to anxiety and uncertainty, "It's a nice color," this was a lot harder to do in person than he had anticipated, but it wasn't he that opened up about the baby first. It was Jooheon.

"How are you doing? How's the baby?" he asked nonchalantly. It aided in Changkyun's point of moving forward at least, no matter how uncomfortable it made him. 

"I'm not feeling as sick anymore. The morning sickness goes away once you're in your second trimester," he stated, thumbs twiddling underneath the table and thumb brushing over his lower belly where he could feel the minuscule beginnings of his bump. Sadly, his abdomen was no longer flat, there was the ever smallest curve there and Changkyun hated it with every fiber of his being. His body was changing and he couldn't do a thing about it, "The baby is doing pretty well. They're growing, they're still there."

"That's good," Jooheon countered, finally feeling the odd atmosphere between them. It was hard to speak when the chemistry between them was so off-putting. 

"That's kind of why I wanted to meet and talk with you today," Changkyun started reluctantly. If he started talking about it, there was no stopping until the issue was resolved. 

"Oh?" Jooheon asked with a tilt of his head, "About the baby?"

"I guess, it's more about us," Changkyun gestured with one hand, one staying hidden beneath the table, "And how we are going to communicate from now on," he paused, taking a deep breath and exhaling it to help ease the ache he felt, "I want us to be able to be friends, I want to be able to get to know you and make 'this' between us better,"  _ this _  referred to their relationship and whatever it was, a gesture he signified with his hand, "I don't want to keep treating you as my enemy because that's not fair to you." 

Jooheon looked shocked, not knowing that this was where the conversation was going. Defining it was a good step in the right direction, making it easier to realize their roles in this pregnancy and eventual parenthood, "I would like that actually. It will be easier on the baby when they get here, too." 

"That's why I wanted to meet with you. Make it easier on the kid," Changkyun nodded, eyes darting every which way whenever he held eye contact with Jooheon too long, "I would like for them to have parents that don't hate each other's guts." 

Jooheon hadn't hated Changkyun in the first place but he wasn't going to correct the younger in fear that he would get upset with him. So he left it, "That's a nice thought. Having both your parents is good," a thought popped into his head when it came to getting to know each other, "When it comes to getting to know each other, I think it would be good to spend more time together," Changkyun hated that idea, but he let Jooheon continue, "Like we could get lunch every day and just talk. I don't want to have a baby with a complete stranger," he joked but Changkyun failed to find it funny. 

"Maybe not every day," Changkyun frowned, thinking that was overkill, "Maybe every other day? Just to keep in touch and so we're caught up in each other's lives? Baby steps," Changkyun wasn't the best at making new friends and he was surprised how he and Hyungwon were friends at this point. This was disastrous in his mind and he was sure Jooheon wasn't interested even though he had stated he was. Changkyun's immediate thought was that Jooheon was doing this to make him feel better and wasn't genuinely interested in him. Worst case scenarios and the negatives were where Changkyun's mind tended to wander in any given situation, "I need time to really get comfortable with you." 

Jooheon didn't think he'd ever met someone as stubborn and cautious as Changkyun before and it was honestly frustrating. He wondered how he'd gotten the younger to sleep with him in the first place, "I understand. There's no rush."

Maybe there was since they had a time delicate situation on their hands, but Changkyun didn't say so, "Just wanted to make that clear to you," Jooheon could still walk out though, he could think this is too much and just leave if he wanted to, and that nugget of information has Changkyun resenting the older. He had that option, but Changkyun did not. 

"Clear as day," Jooheon sighed, adjusting himself in his seat. They were both on the same page, that was good, "Then should we grab lunch tomorrow?"

Changkyun mentally grimaced, regretting the decision to agree and meet up with his baby's father but he couldn't say no. He nodded, "Sounds good," Jooheon nodded with a smile and they discussed further details, figuring out how to work around their schedules and when was a good time. 

This was a small step and Changkyun was hoping he made the right decision and wasn't making yet another mistake. He didn't think his heart could handle that. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took FOREVER but I hope it was worth the wait. I hope whoever you are reading this that you thoroughly enjoyed it and will continue to keep coming back for the next update. Leave me a comment too because I love reading them <33 
> 
> Also, Follow is pure magic. My new favorite song


	6. Party Time

Changkyun was already regretting agreeing to have lunch with Jooheon. This was their first lunch together and it was a week after they initially agreed to start meeting up. Changkyun had felt sick all week, throwing up from morning to early afternoon and due to this he'd had to tell yet another teacher that he was pregnant to explain why he kept having to leave class for at least ten minutes at a time. He felt better now, well enough to sit down and have a full meal with someone he wasn't yet comfortable with. Jooheon had been so understanding when Changkyun invited him to sit down and talk the first time, and that was no different when Changkyun rain checked every attempt at having lunch up until now. Changkyun thought morning sickness went away once he was in the second trimester but now at fourteen weeks, he was cruelly proven wrong. 

Today, however, he was starving and no amount of food seemed enough to stop that hunger. There had been plenty of times where he had eaten and eaten more than he probably should but he couldn't help himself today. He'd eaten a big breakfast and had brought a few granola bars to snack on between classes and had even eaten one in class and was now excited to go eat lunch. He had looked up the cafeteria menu online in advance so he knew exactly what he wanted and he was looking forward to what they had lined up. There were a few options and he figured it wouldn't hurt to eat a little bit of everything since it all sounded so good to him, even if it wasn't something he would typically choose to eat. He figured that these were those infamous cravings and yet another symptom he did not enjoy dealing with. His body was slowly becoming  _not his_  anymore and it was incredibly frustrating. 

Changkyun never ate as much as he had already eaten today and he was self-conscious about it, even though he was the only one who knew how much he was eating or paying attention to what he was eating. Realistically, he knew that no one was honing in on his eating habits and no one was taking notice of his weight, but he was the one who was actually concentrating on any of that and his own opinion was the most important to him. And sadly it was the most critical and harsh, the one that lasted. 

The idea of weight gain was so awful to him, something he didn't think about with other people but when it came to his own body, the idea was horrible and it was something that he almost feared. He'd been so thin as a child that his family members would make comments on it and how amazed they were, but then he entered middle school and no one said anything about his body ever again. While that was something pleasant since no one delivered a comment about his body, the lack of it all still worried him and made him wonder if he wasn't as thin anymore and was instead bigger. It was overthinking, definitely more in-depth than he should be thinking when that young. He had a very self-shattering strictness on himself but living with that type of mindset now would be threatening to the baby and his own body as it goes through this whole process. His mind was a mess and Changkyun was unsure how to go about it all without descending into a hole of self-deprecation and maltreatment. 

But he couldn't focus on his self-pity party because he was right outside the entrance of the dining hall and he could see Jooheon propped up against a structural pillar, phone in hand and head dipped low so he could stare at the screen without making eye contact with anyone passing by. He was in his own world and unaware of anything around him and with this, Jooheon hadn't seen Changkyun yet. The younger could just turn around and leave without a trace of his being there and Jooheon would be none the wiser. Changkyun wanted to turn on his heels right there and high tail it out of the facility but he had already rain checked the older so many times before that this was the time to finally join him and get lunch. Have a heart to heart, man to man. So taking a deep sigh and giving himself a short pep talk and the promise of rewarding himself with a nap after this all goes down, Changkyun headed towards the older and fabricated a smile when Jooheon looked up and made eye contact with him. It was Changkyun who stepped closer since Jooheon was closest to the front doors and once close enough to speak, they greeted each other a bit awkwardly with more enthusiasm on Jooheon's part. Changkyun was still in a bit of a rut and was having doubts about it all still. This was overwhelming and a scary step. 

Heading into the dining hall, the first thought Jooheon had about Changkyun once the awkwardness of their greeting wore off was that he was too thin. He was all skin and bone! An unexpected worry settled in the pit of his stomach and a crease settled in his brow, sure that no one should be as thin as Changkyun is in general. That being said, Changkyun shouldn't be as thin as he is now while also pregnant. 

Jooheon didn't know much about Changkyun, anything really besides what he had learned when they had gone to the barbeque sit down with their friends, and it was unfair to assume his eating habits or what he was going through, but he wanted to make sure that from this point on that Changkyun was doing things that would be better for his health. Gaining weight could be a good start and Jooheon is going to encourage him to eat more and to his fill when they have lunch together. At the end of the day, Changkyun was growing his baby and he should properly take care of him or her. But that sounded hostile and like Changkyun wasn't already doing that. Jooheon wanted Changkyun to do it healthily and on his own accord with his own motivation. That would make for real change, a development that would stick and stay when it was Changkyun's doing and not because someone told him to do it. Someone had to make sure that Changkyun was taking care of himself. He would work on it today, but for now, he was staying low-key and out of Changkyun's way. He didn't need to get on the younger's bad side, especially after how they've spoken in the past. They hadn't had the easiest ride to friendship but hopefully, it would turn better for them. 

Jooheon had offered to pay for Changkyun's entrance fee when at the meal plan check-in and while the younger would usually turn that kind of offer down, remembering that Jooheon was the one that got him pregnant in the first place, he took it and happily so. They walked inside quietly and slow in step, but once Changkyun saw the nearly empty lines leading up to food wells and steam tables, he sped up with more excitement. There were only a few people standing and waiting and this excited Changkyun more knowing that he wouldn't have to waste time standing around. The speed Changkyun was taking up was surprising to Jooheon and he did his best to keep up and walked through the lines together. Jooheon was happy to see that Changkyun grabbed a good amount of food, ecstatic even to see that maybe he didn't have to push the younger to eat more. Jooheon grabbed his own food and once they had everything they wanted, they headed towards an open table to sit. Changkyun was excited to sit down, eat, and feed the monster that was making his stomach growl like there was a thunderstorm inside of him. 

Sadly, he was taking blows to his self-esteem again as he sat down at an empty table with Jooheon to eat and found some resistance in the jeans he had changed into after his classes. He had been wearing track pants before and wanting to look a bit more put together had put on jeans when he went to his dorm before lunch. They were skinny fit and had looked rather flattering on him pre-pregnancy, a type of jeans he had chosen not to wear in a while. Something he was regretting now with the failure to realize that they didn't fit as well as they had before. The waistband of his jeans was cutting into his lower belly due to the small bump that was already there. He had been keeping an eye on it since last week and in the back of his mind he was hoping it wasn't there and was a trick of the light, he was imagining it, something to sell the excuse that he wasn't actually showing. But he couldn't deny that he had gained some weight, something he had noted when he went to the gym last and weighed himself. This was his baby and he was finally showing. With this new change in his image, he made sure to wear oversized shirts, no longer wearing his more form-fitting ones for fear of his bump being displayed. The insecurities were aching in his heart and he hated that this was something he constantly worried about. 

He had other worries as well. He was going to go home in a month for winter break and Christmas and by then he would be showing much more than he was now. Then when the next semester starts he wouldn't be home until spring break, and by then, he would be massive. His mother would not be happy to find out he's pregnant at all, but Changkyun was not planning on her finding out during Christmas, one of his favorite holidays. But he was taking it a few steps at a time and to ensure that he wouldn't have too many issues, he was trying to not gain too much weight. The longer he avoids putting on weight the longer he can hide that he’s pregnant under baggy clothes. Staying as thin as possible for as long as possible was his plan, and by also doing that he won't have to spend money on new clothes that properly fit.

His body was something so monumentally traumatizing enough to slow his drive to eat and remember that he should pray before he digs into his meal. Even with how strict his parents are about their beliefs and his dislike for the members in his church community, he still very much believed in the teachings and how he feels about what they focus on. Praying was something he kept as a habit and was something he actually enjoyed doing, feeling like it keeps a connection between God and him. He felt at peace when he prayed and it was something he genuinely liked to do. He was looking forward to his lunch's prayer, but letting Jooheon know that he was going to pray left an eerie feeling in his throat. He was afraid of being judged by the older, but his connection with what he believed was strong and it was something he felt like he could overcome when it came to others. Sometimes it was embarrassing to do in public, but when it came to Jooheon, someone he was getting to know still, this was a chance he was willing to take. Jooheon was going to see that Changkyun had morales and beliefs and if he disrespected them in any way, Changkyun would have a real problem with that. 

"Hey," Changkyun cautiously started, successfully gaining Jooheon's attention who was ready to eat his own food. Jooheon smiled and nodded, ready to listen and giving him his full attention, "I like to pray before I eat, so I hope you don't mind," he interlocked his fingers in a hold and placed them above the table to make them more visible to the older to indicate that he was ready to start his prayer and while he expected Jooheon to make a face, he did, but it was a smile and look of surprise instead of a frown or grimace. Changkyun hadn't expected that. Jooheon's dimples were cute and they made his features that much more enjoyable and softer. It made Changkyun enjoy his company for a second and thought that maybe there really was a good person under what he had perceived before. He shouldn't go off of first-impressions so heavily, he decided.  

"I don't, not at all! I actually pray before I eat too!" he chirped, straightening up in his seat and mimicking Changkyun, hands folded in front of him and back straight, "We'll pray separately and then we can start eating, sound good?" there was a hidden passion beneath his voice and it was confusing. 

Changkyun was really astounded. After seeing how much of a partier Jooheon was and how subject he was to all of a typical immature and young adult's actions, he was surprised to find that Jooheon had a faith in a higher power, any at all and to find that he believed in God was a shock to Changkyun. Not that he should be judging anyway, he was supposed to be giving Jooheon a chance and not alienating or antagonizing him. Religion, race, and politics tend to separate people because it puts them in opposition with each other, so to find that Jooheon was so open about it and accepting was refreshing. 

Changkyun nodded to Jooheon's suggestion and silently bowed his head in his own prayer, assuming Jooheon had done the same or at least something similar. He said his prayer, thanking God for what he thought was necessary in the moment and took his time before ending his prayer with good wishes and opening his eyes. He was yet again surprised to find that Jooheon was still praying and looked deep in the process. Changkyun kept quiet and waited until Jooheon was done before digging into his own food, which luckily wasn't much longer. Changkyun was starving again. 

"Do you still go to church?" Jooheon asked cautiously. His eyes were wide and he appeared genuinely curious and it was endearing and friendly, confidently inviting Changkyun to answer with full gusto. Silencing him or keeping silent on information

"Grew up in my church when I wasn't living abroad, we went to church a few times in the states," Changkyun informed between bites of pasta, "Went in high school when my family moved back to Korea, but haven't really gone this semester. I haven't found a good church to go to that's close, and going alone is less than ideal," if he did that, he would be bombarded by people asking who he was and where he was from, all types of questions in an attempt to get to know him. His social anxiety didn't warrant that kind of interaction to go smoothly, "But, if I could go to church and if this was a perfect world, then I would be going several times a week if I could," but he was busy and he was starting to work more for more money. He needed to save for the baby, “Unfortunately, some might judge me for being pregnant and going alone,” that was something that was highly frowned upon in general, imagine going to church as the new person. Judgment was a hard thing to cease and it was always triumphant due to opinion and habit, even though taught to not do so. 

“I’ve gone a few times and the whole congregation is made up of actual kind and caring people,” his smile was confident and his dimples were further indicators that he was certain of the words he had spoken, but there was another truth still, "They might welcome you and see past that, and you wouldn’t be alone if you went with me now would you?” he felt guilty when hearing Changkyun say how being pregnant meant instant antagonization on his part. Being young, pregnant, and single was hard and it came with plenty of judgment and doubts on Changkyun's part, his ability to do things efficiently and for some reason, his ability to parent. Jooheon didn't know Changkyun all that well and he still didn't know if Changkyun had the ability to parent either, and the guilt was settling in the pit of his stomach with a fierce power that was inhibiting his ability to eat. He was exhibiting the kind of characteristics Changkyun just verbally expressed he was afraid of. 

“While that might be, you haven’t seen them interact with a teen parent that’s unwed have you?” he asked with crooked lips, forcing himself to focus on anything but Jooheon’s face, "I'm just afraid of being judged, which is something that gives me a lot of anxiety," Changkyun revealed, feeling his leg start to bounce from the impending mental health issue. This conversation gives him anxiety as well and the discomfort of it all was getting to him, “Anyone could think anything of me and that’s pretty unsettling. Doesn’t make me feel good, especially in a place I want to find safe. A place I could totally rely on.” 

Jooheon nodded in understanding, ”If you feel uncomfortable going then don't go, but if you really feel strongly about the church, then I believe you. Faith is strong and if you really pray every time before you eat, then there's really a connection there for you," Jooheon smiled, completely supportive, something Changkyun hadn't really expected but appreciated nonetheless, "I think it's awesome that you take this to heart. It's a shame that others judge so easily and now that I know you, I can say that you're pretty cool and I'm sorry that I was quick to assume things about you, too." 

Changkyun nodded along to what Jooheon was saying and felt guilt as well since he was so quick to judge as well. Jooheon was apologizing on his own behalf and didn't even mention how rude Changkyun had been at first to him, how quick to judge he had been. He was thankful that Jooheon wasn't bringing his ignorance up and was instead acting as though nothing was out of the ordinary. Jooheon was a pretty nice guy and Changkyun was finding it easier to get along with him and get to know him. Maybe he was having a baby with a pretty cool person and maybe he was the best person to have a baby with. Being his friend wasn't a bad thing he was realizing, a bit too late, and he was glad he had given Jooheon this second chance, "I'm sorry, too. That was pretty rude of me to say what I have to you and I'm regretting it now," and Jooheon kept quiet, a smile on his lips and Changkyun could swear his lips were in the shape of a heart. The older nodded and took a bite of his food, satisfaction evident on his features. They continued speaking and eating, enjoying each other's company. 

The more the two spoke, the more Changkyun couldn't help but mainly focus on how delicious his food tasted and how relieved his stomach felt. Changkyun hates it but he loves food now since he’s hungry all the time and that was a huge improvement on his eating in general. He used to despise eating and was afraid of the repercussions it had on his body, but now, food was a pleasure and was something he looked forward to during his day. That was progress right there and it was something to be proud of, but it was still difficult to officially come to terms with and indulge himself. He was working and improving on it, but that kind of thing took time and it wasn't something he could rush at all. Healing took time and some things were harder to recover from than others. 

As the time went on and the minutes passed, the more Changkyun ate his meal, he had another obstacle to face. His already tight jeans were even tighter with the amount of food he had eaten and they were nearly unbearable as they cut into his steadily thickening waist. The only solution he could think of on the spot was to unbutton them before too long so he could be relieved of the discomfort he was feeling. But he was sitting here at lunch with his baby daddy who was keeping his eye on him and if he were to notice at all that Changkyun's jeans were open, Changkyun couldn't even think of how he would handle that kind of embarrassment. 

But he was so uncomfortable and he needed relief. He was thankfully wearing a hoodie and it shielded his midsection from view. Jooheon was deep in a conversation about his niece, little Olivia, and how he had called his sister and her the day before. He loved his niece and it was plainly obvious, and he was so passionate about her that his attention to detail when it came to Changkyun was a little askew. He could so easily do it and with a lingering hand on his waistband, Changkyun waited until the right second before he unbuttoned his jeans when Jooheon had looked away to grab his backpack that was sitting on the floor. The immediate relief was amazing and Changkyun let out an unintentional and deep sigh, catching Jooheon's attention from his focus on his bag, "You okay?” 

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just cramps," he easily lied, but it wasn't really a lie since it applied to that time. It just hadn’t been his initial thought. Changkyun had been cramping a lot around his hips and groin and due to his research, he found that it was called 'round ligament pain'. Yet another sign that he was pregnant and it was incredibly annoying, especially when he was trying to sleep a night. Sleeping on his side made it worse and so sleeping on his back had become the new thing, even when it weirdly made it harder for him to breathe a bit. Cramps had just started picking at his muscles but it wasn't unbearable and he could deal. It wouldn't be resolved until he was up and moving around again. 

“Is it the baby?” Jooheon asked, perking up after hearing that Changkyun was in discomfort. Hearing about the baby got his heart racing and he was excited. Changkyun never thought he would be this excited about a baby, except for maybe Olivia. Olivia held his heart in her tiny palm and it was endearing that he was so caring for someone so small and young. It reaffirmed his faith in Jooheon and it gave him yet more hope for what was going to transpire in the future. Changkyun hoped he would stick around and help him with raising this kid. 

“It is,” he answered, a little more reluctant this time, finding it difficult to openly speak about. He chuckled though and added, “It’s funny, I thought growing pains stopped when you were an adult. Guess I was wrong,” there were many more pains to come and he had plenty more growing to do before he was done. He didn’t need to spiral right now in this moment, not when Jooheon was there with him, “But it’s only a few more months of it. I can handle that,” he was sure he could and downplaying the issue was the best hand he had on deck, not wanting to be pitied or receive unnecessary sympathy. He was no charity case. 

"My sister was always complaining to me about cramps. She had them in her back as well. Olivia was a hard pregnancy," Jooheon noted but Changkyun didn’t miss the way his eyes were glued to his midsection, almost praying that Jooheon couldn’t see that his pants were unfastened. It was an odd and unsettling sensation of having someone just stare at his stomach and it was like all of his worst fears were coming true. Jooheon could be thinking anything right now and not knowing what his thoughts were was making Changkyun anxious. Anxious and insecure enough to shift in his spot, arms crossing over his middle as he leaned forward to further obscure his body, playing it off as though he was just leaning forward to rest his chin on the table. The movement caused Jooheon to look away and turn back to his food. Jooheon looked like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar like he knew he did something wrong, but that didn't make Changkyun feel any better. He had still been staring and Changkyun didn’t like his body being scrutinized or observed at all. It made his stomach churn, “She was huge though, from the very beginning. Had a big bump and everyone thought she was farther along than she actually was. You’re tiny though, can barely tell you’re even pregnant,” Jooheon was trying to save himself but telling from Changkyun’s expression, which stayed pretty consistent throughout the entire lunch, the younger was not having it, “But she said it was all worth it in the end. Olivia is her pride and joy and she’s told me she would do it again just for her.” 

No more comment was made on it and while Changkyun enjoyed hearing about Olivia, he felt like he shouldn’t eat anymore. He still had food on his tray and it felt as though it was staring at him, mocking him. He wanted to eat, but his body was already suffering, he should stop. But with another look from Jooheon, Changkyun ignored those thoughts and took a bite, willing his insecurities away. He couldn’t be thinking that way when he had a baby that was solely dependent on him. 

It was uncomfortably quiet for a minute that felt like hours before it finally ended with Jooheon further asking questions, “What are your plans after this semester? Are you going to stay in school?” it was a valid and loaded way question, considering Changkyun was going to be hugely pregnant near the end and that was going to be a nightmare to deal with. It showed Jooheon's care for him again but Changkyun was still a little adamant. He needed to answer, it would be the polite thing to do. 

“I’m staying for the next semester. I would go crazy if I stayed home with my parents,” he didn’t mention that his parents would be enraged as all get out, but Changkyun was sure he would never bring that up if he didn’t need to. He would rather his personal life be kept hidden, especially from Jooheon. Securing that information with the older felt wrong when he still didn't know him very well. This was all so frustrating and Changkyun knew his habits were so, but he had to be cautious, “I’m for sure graduating college, and I want to do it as fast as possible so I can get a job as soon as possible. The faster the better, especially now that there’s a baby to think about,” that had been his original plan anyway, but add the baby and he had to do so much more. 

Jooheon seemed pleased to hear this and smiled a little wider than seemed necessary, “That’s awesome! Will you be okay the whole semester? You’re due close to June right?” he asked and Changkyun felt a sudden realization. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten to mention the due date to the father of his child. Jooheon had just made a guess that was close to the actual date, a few weeks off, meaning he had thought about this in-depth before. It made Changkyun feel guilty for being slow on the process, a perfect example of him being a bit too guarded. He knew that it was difficult to talk to him, but he had every reason to be with those he had acquainted himself with in the past. 

“May 17th actually,” Changkyun corrected, shifting in his seat while keeping his hoodie pulled as close to his lap as possible, further obscuring his small bump and his unbuttoned jeans, “Sorry I hadn’t told you earlier. Kind of slipped my mind and I'm pretty quiet, otherwise, you would have been told as soon as I found out," it hadn't even been something he considered. Telling Jooheon anything about himself had not crossed his mind. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad I know now,”Jooheon smiled, looking excited now with a little wiggle of his body as he took a forkful of the last bits of food on his tray. He hadn’t bought much to eat and he was now finished much sooner than Changkyun, “My mother was born in May. She’ll be happy to hear that she’ll be getting a grand baby for her birthday.”

Changkyun subconsciously gulped at the word 'mother' and the fact that Jooheon would be telling her so casually. If it were Changkyun, he would need to pray for an easy death before telling his parents, “You're going to tell her?” he asked, anxiety settling in the pit of his stomach, making it flip. His lunch was once again disagreeing with him and he wanted nothing more than to leave and lay in bed. This was so much harder than he thought. 

Jooheon’s once happy expression dropped into a blank expression as though just realizing what he had said, “Oh, not yet. I don’t really know how to tell her, but I’ll have to at some point,” which was an issue they both had, "She might not be the happiest at first, certainly not jumping off the walls in joy. But she'll come around pretty fast. I have a pretty great mother," the smile that graced his features was warm and inviting, showcasing the love he had for his mother, "And if she met you, I think it would be alright.”

Meeting Jooheon's mother? “That’s a pretty scary thought,” Changkyun stated honestly, “You don’t know how she’ll react to you telling her that you’re having a baby so young. She could be irate for all you know,” that was what Changkyun was afraid of and he knew it was his fate.

“She was so happy when my sister told her she was pregnant.” 

“How old was she? Was she with anyone?” Changkyun asked, diving into the details so he could speak his mind. 

Jooheon looked down, avoiding eye contact for a second before answering, “Twenty-four and she was with her boyfriend, still is.”

“How long have they been together?” Changkyun asked, seeing the development from a mile away. 

“Like, three years,” Jooheon sheepishly spoke, digging his grave deeper by adding, “She married him shortly after she told us she was pregnant, she was like five months or something,” it had been a civil wedding, nothing special. She didn’t need special though, she just needed her husband. 

“So she was, and still is in a relationship with her baby’s father, who soon became her husband, and was at a reasonable age?” Changkyun clarified with an eyebrow quirked. He would appear smug but this had to do with him and not someone else. 

Jooheon shrugged and looked tranquil and at peace, almost unbothered as he threw his arms behind his head, recalling what they were really talking about, “My mom’s not bad. She’s the nicest person I know,” he claimed easily and it was almost like Changkyun had to believe that.

But he had to stay realistic, “You have to say that. She’s your mom,” although Changkyun couldn’t say the same about his mother, “She has to draw the line somewhere and this might be it.”

“It’s not like I’m doing hard drugs or committing crime. I’m just having a baby,”  _just having a baby_ , “This is something that is easily forgivable and she’ll be excited. She was so excited when Gongju told us she was pregnant with Olivia,” there it was again, mentioning Olivia. That little girl was his world, and now he had mentioned his sister’s name too. Gongju and Jooheon. It sounded like a good pair of names, “A perfect example of how forgiving she is: I stole her jewelry once in elementary school so I could try and sell it to buy a new bike. But I felt so guilty I gave it back and she was so quick to forgive me, but not without grounding me as well.”

“Did you really?!” Changkyun asked in shock, forgetting the previous issue. When he received a nod from Jooheon he tsked and shook his head, small smile lifting the left corner of his mouth, "Good for her, you deserved to be punished after something like that,” Changkyun joked, rather enjoying the story he had just been told. Jooheon laughed and nodded in agreement. 

“She’s a saint. She won’t be mad at all.” 

“Then I wish the best of luck to you,” Changkyun offered a small smile in hopes that it would sell more. He needed to be kinder to Jooheon overall, “It’s going to be hard and I’m just hoping to survive telling my parents,” his eyes lowered to his bump, still hidden and out of sight, but he knew what was there. He stared at it every chance he could get when he was alone in the bathroom in front of the mirror, or even his room if Hyungwon wasn’t there, judging and hating it. The soft curve was ugly and made him feel disgusting, but there was also something beautiful about it at the same time. His body was doing something really cool, he couldn’t deny that, “Things will get harder, that’s for sure.” 

Jooheon noticed the almost distant look in his eyes and nodded, agreeing with Changkyun even though he had no inkling of what Changkyun was thinking. They both had different sides of the story, and Jooheon hadn’t even received one-tenth of Changkyun’s, "They will, but I think we can do it as a team," he spoke cheerily. Changkyun mentally cringed at the term ‘we’ and ‘team’. Jooheon continued in a direction Changkyun didn’t think he would be taking, “I heard you’re moving off campus next semester,” it was nonchalant and Changkyun was a little caught off guard because the only other person who knew and would tell others was none other than his roommate. 

“Did Hyungwon tell you?” 

“Maybe” Jooheon shrugged, leaning back to sit with his back propped on the seat he was at. He crossed his arms over his chest, explaining himself further, “I mean you didn't have to tell me about that, but I’m wondering what the plan is when the baby is here.” 

Changkyun hadn’t thought about it either, head now starting to ache as another stressor made its way into his head, “What do you mean?” 

Jooheon hummed and scooted closer to Changkyun, leaving him mildly uncomfortable, “What I mean is: what are the living arrangements going to be like when the baby is born? Cause if we go your way then you’ve got the kid all to yourself and when it comes to night time, it’ll be a little harder to deal with.” 

Good point, Changkyun hadn’t thought of that. Originally his thought was that he was doing everything on his own, even though Jooheon was proving him wrong in almost everything he did. Jooheon wanted to help but Changkyun was putting up a wall he should be knocking down, “Then what’s your way?” 

Jooheon sighed, “I was thinking I move into your house next semester,” just the thought of that gave Changkyun major anxiety alone, “That way, we can get the house ready if needed for the baby when they arrive, work on living together in general, and when the baby is born, it would be easier if there were two of us getting up and down at night when the baby wakes up. We could take shifts with feedings and getting them when they’re upset or need a diaper change. You alone being sleep deprived won’t help them out,” he had so many thought out responses and points that it was tempting, but this was Changkyun, and Jooheon already knew the answer. 

“I don’t think you should, no,” he would have preferred to give a firm negative but it was also too good to pass up on. Changkyun kept speaking, “I still don’t know you that well and it’s hard getting to know me, I just don’t see you as someone I want to live with and see most of my day,” even though he wasn’t, Changkyun adds a weak, “Sorry,” at the end. 

Jooheon quirked an eyebrow and asked a low but respectful, “Is that all?” 

Changkyun had the answer on the tip of his tongue but he had to come off as cordial and not freak out on Jooheon, “If you lived with me, I think I would be constantly stressed, and that is something I don’t need more of during this pregnancy,” he had read so much about how bad stress was for pregnancy and Changkyun had felt guilty for all that he had forced on the kid already, “It just wouldn’t be good for me and by extension, it wouldn't be good for you.” 

“But I want to be involved,” Jooheon emphasizes, hand on his chest but Changkyun could tell Jooheon wanted to make a bigger gesture out of frustration, “I want to be there for my son or daughter when they need someone. And by living together, I can get to know you even better and we’ll be less of strangers when the baby is born. We’ll be genuine friends and it will be easy.” 

In all honesty, Changkyun hates that idea. Jooheon was coming off in a weird way to him currently and the energy he was omitting was a little hostile, wanting things his way so easily. Changkyun supposed he should be more understanding, but, “I need more time,” was his answer, “And moving into the same house won’t help. It might make things worse, have you considered that?” Changkyun really didn’t think Jooheon had, instead worrying more for the baby when Changkyun was still there and a person who needed time to process, “You can always visit, that should be enough. I hope that’s enough because that's what I'm giving you.” 

Jooheon looked like he wanted to argue and Changkyun thought he was going to take it there, but instead, he rubbed his forehead and nodded, “Fine, I can do that. I can’t rush things, I guess. But I want you to think about that, me living with you. I want to be a father to this baby and I want you to let me do that," it was a reasonable request, but Changkyun was stubborn. Yet, he knew he had to be better with this. 

"Okay, I'll think about it. I will," Changkyun nodded, glancing at his phone that was sitting on the table. He had just gotten a notification from a game he always played and by looking, he realized the time and he had a class to get to in ten minutes. This was a good stopping point and it wasn't like he could stay much longer or he would be late and this next teacher hated it when students were late. So he spoke up, already gathering his bag and tray, "I have class in ten minutes and I really need to go," Jooheon looked at his own phone and his eyes widened because he had to go too. 

"Oh, I do too," he looked downtrodden, disappointed in the lack of affability between the two of them, but Changkyun didn't mind it, " I guess we should get going."

Changkyun was quick to get up without hesitation, discreetly buttoning his jeans again before Jooheon could notice and was already walking away, not taking the time to wait and let him catch up. He could hear the older scurry after him and he spared him a glance when he was next to him. Acknowledging that Jooheon was there was enough and he didn't need to say anything when they had shared what they needed to during lunch. 

The two carried their trays to the dish depository and set them down on the belt, an uncomfortable silence between the two until they got to the exit and when Changkyun turned to wish his goodbyes, Jooheon spoke up, “I’m really trying here, and I don’t know what to say to you or how to talk to you yet, but please, don’t shut me out. I want to be a part of this baby’s life so much. So much so that it’s scaring me,” Jooheon admitted, sincerity in his eyes almost terrifying, “There's so much I want to do, but you have to let me in and let me try. So please, help me out here." 

Changkyun didn't know what to say. Jooheon was scarily sincere and denying him that opportunity was heartless. It was pleasing to see him so caring and concerned, thinking for a second that he was having a baby with the right person. That had not been a thought he predicted he would have, but he was glad now, "I appreciate the effort, and I know I'm pretty difficult," he had waited for Jooheon to react in a way, confirming his claim, but Jooheon stood still and kept quiet, "If you're willing, then I won't stop you and you can be as involved as you want," it was a nice thought, "But I'll give you that out if you find that this is too hard. I won't blame you," he was kind of expecting it to go that way anyway. Jooheon was obviously out of his mind and this was going to be his worst mistake.

"Don't think that will happen," Jooheon claimed with a smile, adjusting his bag over his shoulder, "I do need to get going, but this was fun."

Changkyun doubted he meant that but he wasn’t going to question it as Jooheon offered him one of those award winning smiles, “I’ll see you whenever I see you, okay?” Changkyun nodded back, offering no verbal response and Jooheon accepted it nonetheless, “Goodbye,” and he turned to leave with that same smile, heading down a hallway and disappearing past the wall, no longer in Changkyun’s sight.

Overall, Changkyun was satisfied with the lunch with Jooheon. Not just with the food, but also with Jooheon. They had spoken a lot and a lot was said, some things that hurt Changkyun and some things that restored his faith in Jooheon and this kid. He could even say that they were better friends now if at all, and there were some times when he enjoyed himself.

Jooheon wasn’t so bad, despite his previous opinion. There were times when he was a little forthright, but he was also thinking about the baby and how they were going to do this whole parent thing. As Changkyun trudged to class in deep thought, he finalized that he should give Jooheon that chance that he failed to give him before. This was the true second chance that he should have offered long ago. 

Another thought that was existential made itself known and it made Changkyun feel guilty to his core. People now, all the people he’d made friends with in his college career, were giving him second chances. He’d come off as cold and ruthless upon first glance and now they were trying with him, were trying to really be his friend and he was the one who was making it difficult. And the one who had given him the most chances, besides Hyungwon, was Jooheon. Jooheon was giving him a second, maybe a third chance and Changkyun was being the asshole. The least he could do was fully and wholeheartedly give Jooheon that chance.

And he felt good about it. He saw no harm in Jooheon anymore besides his wording but even then it was out of heart and not spite. Jooheon wasn’t that bad and he should stop this antagonizing game he was playing. He was going to change his views and it was going to be good for them. He felt really good about this.

\-------

Changkyun trudged into his dorm and up the stairs until he was at his floor, thankful that there hadn't been many people out in the hallways to avoid. It was a Friday night and it was typical college student behavior to go out and attend parties wherever they were. He supposed he would be out too if he had a completely different personality and wasn't so stressed about finals. They still had a month before any finals were to be taken, but there was never a time too early to start preparing yourself, especially when you were an art major. Changkyun had so many art projects to complete before the deadlines and finals week and those assignments were the ones he was most worried about. 

Making his way to his room, he found that no one seemed home and he found that to be a blessing. No one was having their own party in their own room and this left the unit very quiet. It was the perfect environment to study and relax, something Changkyun desperately needed to do. He'd been sitting upright for far too long, something he was finding increasingly more difficult to do the bigger he got. He only had a small bump, but the effect it had on his body was astronomical already, especially since his insides were rearranging themselves among his abdomen. He was not looking forward to being gigantic in the coming months and sitting in the studio finishing art projects. 

Changkyun was quick to open his door with his ID and stepped inside, sneaking a peek to determine if Hyungwon was there or not. He had been expecting him to be laying on his bed with his phone in his hand, what he had not been expecting was to see his roommate's boyfriend there as well. It was not a weird sight to see him there with him, but not every time did Changkyun see them as close as they were now. 

The two hadn't even noticed that Changkyun had walked in, too wrapped up in each other to notice the newcomer. Changkyun studied them for a bit, laying down on their sides and facing each other, watching as they spoke softly to each other, about what Changkyun didn't know. Their legs were tangled together, barely discernible whose legs belonged to who. Hoseok's arm was thrown over Hyungwon's side and keeping him close, thumb rubbing circles into Hyungwon's back softly. Hyungwon had his hand in Hoseok's hair, playing with the soft strands that were bleached blonde, twirling his fingers into what Changkyun was sure were going to be knots. But neither seemed to care because they were so focused on each other, wrapped up in those gazes that Changkyun had never felt for himself. Love did not come easy to him, but to them, it was like their second instinct. 

Feeling he had been standing there for too long and feeling as though he was eavesdropping on an intimate moment, Changkyun cleared his throat and closed the door with his back turned, making it appear as though he hadn't been watching them. He heard his friends shift on the bed as they noted his presence and it was Hyungwon who spoke up first, having sat up straight from his lying position in excitement to see his roommate, "Changkyunnie! You're back!" he spoke with pure enthusiasm and Changkyun laughed lowly to himself knowing that Hyungwon was completely oblivious to the fact that Changkyun had already been there for some time. He'd like to keep it that way, "How was your day?!"

Changkyun hopped onto his bed and sighed, body appreciating the rest even though he hadn't moved very much since being in the studio. Sitting on his bed was a whole different level of rest and comfort that sitting anywhere else could provide. He was happy to be back in his safe place and to be surrounded by familiarity, including his best friend, "It was busy, I had a lot to finish up today and I still have so much left to do. I barely made a dent in anything," he ran a hand through his hair as he reclined against the pillows that were stacked up at the head of his bed. He'd bought extras since it helped with the pain in his shoulders and overall pregnancy pains. Holding a pillow while he slept ensured that he wouldn't wake up with head-splitting shoulder pain that required he stretch a good minute before finally getting up to get ready in the morning. His back was starting to ache too and all the muscles and ligaments there, "I'm doing my best though." 

"Is this for finals?" Hyungwon asked, adjusting as Hoseok moved to sit up straight next to him, hand wrapping around his hips and grounding himself by grabbing Hyungwon's upper thigh. Hoseok was paying attention now and when Changkyun made eye contact with the older, he smiled beautifully, the kind of smile that lights up a room. Hoseok was friendly and any time he had been in the same vicinity as Changkyun, he was inclusive and didn't just pay attention to Hyungwon. He was one of those reliable friends that Changkyun felt comfortable around even though he didn't know him very well. Hoseok wouldn't be the type to speak freely about what he's heard. He is careful and planned and Changkyun would like to think he wouldn't do anything to hurt him like others have. 

"Unfortunately," Changkyun sighed, now fully laying down on his side, appreciating the way it stretched his body and back out. He needed it, his whole body was sore. He clutched one of his pillows to his stomach, hiding the roundness of it from view, "The whole art program is stressed out of their minds right now. Final projects are being assigned and I'm pretty overwhelmed at the moment," Changkyun cleared his throat, reaching to hug a pillow to this chest, "I'm trying to finish my drawing final as soon as possible so I can focus on the bigger projects, like for digital tools. That class sucks," he was going to need to spend many hours in the lab to finish the animation he was supposed to piece together, "So I spent my day in the studio, sitting there and staring at a picture of a building for three hours. Figured making way for other studying now won't hurt." 

"That's a lot of work," Hoseok spoke up, "I'm impressed you're that dedicated enough to start finals prep so early," he smiled, easily leaning his head on Hyungwon's shoulder while maintaining eye contact, "I wish I had that kind of work ethic. I can barely take my ass to class," Hoseok joked, snuggling closer to Hyungwon even though it appeared impossible from where Changkyun was laying. These two were a lot of work. 

"But you have to!" Hyungwon whined, nudging Hoseok enough to knock his head off his shoulder, startling both Hoseok and even Changkyun across the room, "You have to graduate on time and get a good job so we can get a nice house somewhere in the suburbs with a nice car and a French bulldog," Hyungwon joked, shoving his older boyfriend lightheartedly, voicing his insight to their future. To Changkyun that was enough to spark panic in his body with so much commitment so freely spoken, but seeing the smile on Hoseok's lips curl into a paired eye smile so endearing that Hyungwon cooed in response, it was enough for Changkyun to want for himself someone so close and trustworthy. But with the reminder that he had a baby in his belly and no personal interest in the father or relationships with other people in general, Changkyun was finding it hard to fully submerge himself in that mindset even for just a minute, "We have to get a big house where we can lay around all day and play with the dog," Hyungwon adopted a dreamy look, excited about what was to come in his future, "And eventually have kids, that would be fun. Mini you's and me's running around," Hyungwon sighed in contentment. Hoseok smiled back in the same way, happy and dreamily. 

 _Kids... that would be fun._  To Changkyun it wasn't and it was a reality that was fastly approaching him whether he liked it or not. The idea of a baby was growing on him, wasn't so bad as it had appeared before, but it was still unsettling and the providing for a baby and still functioning on his own was what he was worried about. He was so young and he still had so much to learn. He was being forced to grow up pretty fast and it was terrifying. He wasn't ready for what the world had in store for him. And it was coming painfully fast, he barely had time to prepare himself and he spiraling into that hole that brought out the worst of his anxiety. 

"Changkyun?" Hyungwon was calling his name, he could hear it now. Lost in his head, Changkyun shook himself out of it and looked up to see both Hyungwon and Hoseok focused on him again with worried expressions. He didn't respond, waiting for Hyungwon to continue, "Are you okay?" 

Changkyun couldn't speak his mind, it was too personal and it could take a turn for the worse with the way his emotions were lately. He was so pregnant and there was no denying that, "Just thinking." 

"About?" 

"All of the work I have to do still," it was a good save and it was believable after how he had unloaded his stresses and worries. He did have a lot to do still, "I should start on my literature and reading study guide," that was yet another piece of material he was stressing about. There was a lot that went into literature and the ending project was up to interpretation, something Changkyun had to put a lot of thought into. Literature was interesting and fun, but there was so much work that went into it that Changkyun struggled with. The thought of it was enough to get him up from his lying position on his bed, sitting while propped up with one arm, "There's also a final presentation with that. I could probably start a few slides at least." 

"But you've done so much today, I think you should take a break and recoup," Hyungwon spoke up, genuinely concerned with how much Changkyun was overworking himself. That's how he typically was, "It's a Friday night and we have the weekend ahead of us, no dire responsibilities to tend to," he took a short pause, eyes clearing and a smile curling his lips, “I know what you need! A good old party to loosen you up!” it was said a bit louder than necessary but that's typically how Hyungwon was when he was with Changkyun and Hoseok. Changkyun didn't know what it was, but his roommate's boyfriend brought out a whole new side to him. Loud and confident, more prone to being himself and it was nice to see him feeling so good about himself. Changkyun guessed that Hoseok was just that influential over Hyungwon. It was a healthy kind of relationship, something Changkyun had never experienced for himself, and something he wished he had. 

But wait, Hyungwon sounded out of his mind and Changkyun was sure his friend was ill, seriously so, enough to not think correctly. No one in their right mind would invite or tell someone like Changkyun to go to a party with them, knowing his personality and situation. Pregnant and a recluse, not an ideal friend to party with. Changkyun was overall confused and didn't really know how to respond.

“You know I’m pregnant right?” Changkyun decided to settle on, now sitting completely upright. This was a bit absurd to consider and Changkyun wasn't sure what to think. 

To Changkyun's surprise, Hyungwon rolled his eyes and nodded, "Yeah, I do know, but this time you know you won’t do anything you’ll regret in the morning. I’ll be there with Hoseok and we won’t drink or smoke either, we’ll keep you company and just have fun and eat some good food!" he sounded so genuine, so excited and insistent. Thinking that his roommate was getting excited over the prospect of him joining them for the night was making butterflies flutter in his lower belly and his lips to twitch in a small smile. Looking slightly to the left, he could see Hoseok with an encouraging smile, waiting patiently for Changkyun to make his final decision. 

But Changkyun was still unsure because parties were not his scene and the last time he went to a party, he got pregnant, “I don’t know," he mused. He'd only been in the room for a few minutes and was ready to rest after a long day in the studio, and he figured he should reiterate that, "I've been in the studio all day and I'm pretty tired. And I should really study some more," he was trying his hardest to get out of the idea and he thought that maybe he would get somewhere with this, but Hyungwon was persistent and wasn't going to give up. 

"I think you need to let out some steam or you'll just burn out and then the outcome won't be pretty. Stress builds up so fast and with how everything is right now, school and personal life, I think you should have one last hurrah before you really have to dive into the books and figure out what you need to," Hyungwon was being vague but Changkyun didn't need the older to tell him what he was going to be stressing about and what he would need to figure out. He had a lot to figure out, that was for sure. 

"Maybe," Changkyun shrugged, more convinced. He was still on the fence and was very close to denying the offer again, but it was up to Hoseok to speak up a bargain that caught Changkyun's attention. 

“Come on. If you go I’ll buy you ice cream. Any kind and as much as you want," Hoseok offered, wiggling his brows confidently with a smirk that screamed he won this argument. Every time he had visited the dorm lately, Changkyun had a pint of ice cream in hand or had just eaten some ice cream and was washing up. It had become his vice and was a very prominent craving and comfort food. Being promised ice cream had Changkyun seriously considering going to this party. 

"And some Bounty bars!" Hyungwon added with a loud squeak, naming yet another craving Changkyun had been having. He usually had a few stocked in their unit pantry but had just run out earlier in the day, ensuring a trip to the market a few blocks away. Changkyun didn't want to walk so far but being told that his friend would not only get them for him but also buy them, it was too good of an offer to pass, "We'll buy you boxes in bulk, whatever you want, just please come out with us." 

Changkyun’s eye grew to the size of saucers in excitement, but also the shock at his friends wanting him to go out with them so greatly. It made him feel special, “You know I’m pregnant right?” he asked for the second time with a smug smile. 

“I’ve been told a few times,” Hyungwon chuckled with an eye roll, “I promise you're going to have fun with your friends and in the end it will be worth it, won't it?” Changkyun hadn't yet made his mind and Hyungwon was hoping this was the selling point. 

Changkyun rolled his eyes in finality, acquiescing for his friend, “Fine, then I’ll go," Hyungwon cheered and he turned to hug Hoseok due to his proximity, needing to get his energy out without crushing Changkyun in the process. Squeals of joy filled Changkyun's ears and he momentarily thought how ridiculous of a person his friend was. He then thought about how ridiculous a person Hoseok had chosen to date and so he guessed they were made for each other. 

"Get ready then! Throw on some tight jeans and a nice shirt and we'll be ready to go!" Hyungwon shrieked, opening up his closet to look for something better to wear, something not so casual. 

"All my jeans are tight lately so that won't be hard," Changkyun stated offhandedly with a pout as he headed towards his own closet. All the jeans he owned were skinny fit and those were already tight. He had a dilemma but he figured it wouldn't be the worst if he was going to be partying. He would just have to avoid sitting down. 

"There's a huge party at the frat house farthest from campus," Hoseok spoke up, glancing at his phone where a text thread was, "It's not too terribly crazy. Lots of people and alcohol, and from what I've heard, no weed since they're trying to keep it lowkey," he shrugged, "Rumor spread and campus security had to come by after hearing there was marijuana in the house. But they smoked it all before the cops could find any so they got off scot-free," Hoseok had some friends that lived in that house and he'd heard all about the drama that came with the security interrogating them about illegal drugs. Hoseok never did anything like that, barely even drank, and he didn't see the point in doing anything like drugs to have fun. 

While Hyungwon engaged in a conversation about the drug scandal at the frat house, Changkyun was having a small crisis. That was the same frat house he had gone to for his first party, the one where he met Jooheon and slept with him. The one where he got pregnant. It was a bit nerve-racking and he felt like he should once again decline the party offer, ice cream and Bounty be damned. But then again, there were different circumstances. Now he was pregnant and was going to be very aware of tonight. He wouldn't be doing anything stupid in the near future. 

"Is anyone else going with us?" Changkyun asked, thinking of their small group of friends and maybe not so friends. He was seeing if he had to prepare himself for anything. 

Hoseok had an answer for him, "We asked Kihyun and Minhyuk what they were doing tonight but they couldn't come."

"Kihyunnie is going on a date and Minhyukkie is working late. What assholes!" Hyungwon booed dramatically, pouting deeply as he slipped his shirt off for something much more eye catching. 

"Jooheon?" Changkyun asked, voice quiet. He busied himself with a pair of jeans he was going to change into. A larger pair that wouldn't cut him in two tonight but were still flattering on him. 

Hyungwon could hear the reluctance in Changkyun's voice and he felt his heart ping in sympathy, "We texted and called, but he didn't answer. We don't really know where he is," Hyungwon shrugged, looking to Hoseok for some help but he shrugged as well. He had no idea where Jooheon was. 

Not knowing where Jooheon was made Changkyun feel a little on edge. He wasn't showing up to a party with the older and there were so many other parties around campus, but there was still a chance he could end up being in the same house as Jooheon. Changkyun had no affirmative answer but he was staying hopeful that Jooheon was not going to be in a party attitude so he didn't have to run into him. He didn't know how his anxiety was going to handle seeing Jooheon at a party, reminding him of what he had been trying so hard to forget. Anxiety was a nuisance and it was exhausting, and unfortunately, not something he could control. 

Hyungwon was ready to turn this whole thing around and to stop forcing Changkyun to go out, spend the night in, but to his surprise, Changkyun nodded and spoke up with more confidence than Hyungwon has ever heard before, "I'm just going to go out and have fun. Fuck anxiety, I'll be fine," saying that out loud helped him in all actuality. It was loud and confident, and unlike Changkyun. He was letting all of his insecurities get to him and that's how it always happens. He let himself go down that rabbit hole so many times and now, with the support of his two friends in his room, he was doing his best to let himself be free for once. This was one of the last times he would be able to do anything before he would have to divide his time between school, work, and the kid. One party, that was it. He wasn't going to let anything hold him back tonight. 

Hyungwon felt like he needed to step in and say that it wasn't necessary if he didn't feel like he needed to go out with them, but Hoseok was first to speak up, "We'll do as you say, chief. Let's go!" he hopped up from his spot on Hyungwon's bed, grabbing his keys from the bedside table. 

Changkyun felt a rush of adrenaline go through his body and he was ready, excited even. He was going to be a normal person for once, "Let's go," he parroted, grabbing his jacket and following behind an overexcited Hyungwon bouncing behind Hoseok. They were all going to have fun and there was no stopping that. 

It was a five-minute drive to the house and it had taken another five to find a good parking spot with how many other cars were there. Changkyun doubted these cars belonged to people on campus and that gave him the perspective of just how many people were at this party. There had to be half the campus crammed in this one house with people spilling out the windows and even more people than what seemed necessary sitting on the front lawn, a party that looked like it came right out of a movie. The front door was wide open and Changkyun could see inside and just how cramped it was, but also how fun and beckoning it all looked, how it screamed for more guests. 

Everyone was having a good time, smiles on everyone's face and laughter heard from every corner along with the sound of the music that resonated within Changkyun's ears. He could see the negatives but he could also equally the positives of going to a party. He was going to have fun tonight and throw all of his current issues to the wind and he was the first one to really get into the spirit of this party out of his two friends. He skipped forward, actually skipped, and piped up with a large smile, "Let's fucking do this!" it was out of character and loud, not like how Changkyun would typically act with others, and that's what he was going for. He was out of his comfort zone and was doing something out of routine, and so he was going to let it all out. 

Hoseok and Hyungwon laughed, happy to see Changkyun really enjoy himself. He was always so in his head and so cautious and to see him acting the tiniest bit goofy was inspiring. Hyungwon glanced towards Hoseok and the older smiled back, easily sneaking his hand into Hyungwon's and keeping him close, "Let's fucking do this," he mirrored quieter. 

"Sounds good," Hyungwon nodded as he stepped further, following after Changkyun who was starting to get impatient. They passed all the people lounging on the lawn and even had to evade a couple who were aggressively making out before they arrived at the front door, wide open and welcoming anyone who wanted to step inside. And walking in was a whole new experience. 

This was familiar to Changkyun. He remembered that night he had first walked into this house all too well. He had been alone then, hadn't gone in with anyone by his side or concerned for his well being. He had walked in shy and timid with a false persona of confidence, letting anyone who walked by know that he meant business. That's how he usually portrayed himself after years of hiding his emotions and who he was. His ultimate defense. He remembered trying so hard to keep that up, even after he started drinking, but liquor had a strong effect on Changkyun and he knew this now. This time around, he wouldn't need to keep up this facade because he was with people he liked and they were watching out for him. He was going to have actual fun and not an image of what he thought fun was supposed to be. 

There were so many people it was hard to maneuver himself through the crowd to get further through the house, Changkyun looking back over his shoulder to make sure both Hyungwon and Hoseok were both close to him. The two were still hand in hand, Hoseok leading Hyungwon as he followed Changkyun towards the heart of the house. A smile graced his features as he turned back forward to watch where he was going. He was heading to a sitting area where he could hopefully relax while he was partying, but he was also heading towards to smell of food that was wafting through the house. He was starving he decided, but that was also general pregnancy. He was always starving now. 

Finding a spot where not many people were where food was placed for guests to much on, Changkyun stopped and helped himself to some of what was offered, watching as Hyungwon and Hoseok grabbed their own snacks. 

"This was where you were heading this whole time?" Hyungwon asked, bemused. Changkyun pouted in response and the older laughed endearingly, finding Changkyun adorable in the moment, "Then what?" he asked after crunching a chip into his mouth, leaning back into who he knew was Hoseok. Hoseok wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and swayed the both of them, the image of a happy couple and something Changkyun noted was so sweet. 

Drinking was off the table and that usually helped in the whole party experience, but this time he was going to enjoy himself without the influence of something that was bad for him anyway. He was going to dance and be young with those close to him and not care until tomorrow, "Dance, dumb ass," Changkyun swore as a joke, busting a move right then and there. Dancing had always been a hidden hobby of his, had never really done a lot with it outside of his own comfort. He would always practice in his room as a way to hide away from the world. It worked to be a distraction and helped him a lot in expressing himself when words or art couldn't. Freestyle came easy to him and feeling the groove of the music playing now, he let himself let loose very fast, showing off a bit for Hyungwon and Hoseok to see. 

Hyungwon and Hoseok were easily impressed, watching with wide eyes and large smiles. When Changkyun took a momentary break to stretch his back a bit ( _thanks kid_ ), Hyungwon pulled his own move, showing a level of fluidity and grace that Changkyun didn't have. Hoseok was quick to join as well, sharp moves joining Hyungwon's. Changkyun felt embarrassed because he had just shown off in front of two extremely talented dancers, both much better dancers than him. Changkyun had to cover his mouth with his hand to hide the awkward smile and red cheeks he was now sporting. The lighting wasn't the best in the house so hopefully, it could conceal his red face, "You both dance?" it was more of a statement than a question, but he was dumbfounded. His brain wasn't sure what to think. 

"That's how we met actually. The school dance team," Hyungwon loudly spoke with a smile and a laugh. Changkyun knew that the two had been introduced through their similar majors and he had always assumed it was because they'd had a class together and introduced themselves. That was easily plausible, but he had not considered that these two were highly skilled in dancing and that they could easily outshine Changkyun when it came to it, "Hoseokie has been dancing since he could walk, I picked it up in middle school," Hyungwon stated matter of factly with a smile. It wasn't in a boastful way as people usually spoke when speaking about themselves, it was exactly in the way that Hyungwon spoke. Kind and friendly. He'd been dancing for maybe three years and here his friends were, having double the experience than him. 

"So I just embarrassed myself in front of two very experienced performers? That's great," Changkyun groused, feeling his lower belly turn in humiliation. He'd really just done that to himself. 

"No, not at all! You're actually really good!" Hoseok amended, "I swear, you're better than half of the people on our team," he raised his voice, combatting the guy who walked by. He was basically shouting and Changkyun had smelled the whiskey on his person, "I'd ask you to join the team had I known you were that talented." 

"Shut up," Changkyun piped up, shying away from the compliment. He grabbed a handful of something out of the closest bowl to him and put it in his mouth, starting to walk away to compose himself. He'd grabbed a handful of pretzels, not his favorite but good enough, "Instead of making me look like a fool, why don't we just start dancing again," he shouted past his mouthful and jumped into dance again once a new song started playing, one he really liked. He had learned a routine to this song through a video and now that he was in the presence of people who danced more than him, he really had to step his game up and get all this energy out of him. 

The party was a lot of fun. Hoseok had snuck in a shot or two behind Hyungwon's back that were passed to him by some frat brothers, something Changkyun let slide because it wasn't going to hurt him, he was a big dude. And Changkyun didn't ask him to not drink tonight and he was glad to see that Hoseok could continue to be a young adult and have some fun. Hyungwon didn't need alcohol to have fun. He was fairly composed in daily life, wasn't too crazy or energetic and was kind of quiet, but put him in a setting like this one and he turned into an animal. Hyungwon made it the most fun and it helped Changkyun clear his head so he could have the most fun with his friends. He was having fun, that was for sure. 

Yet still, Changkyun couldn't help it when his walls built themselves back up with each song that vibrated through the floors and walls. Vulnerability was something he had worked so hard to shut out of his system, forcing himself to always be alert and to not let his guard down for fear of the outcome. It was a force of habit he knew, but just sitting at the pool in the back of the house with his friends, he was finding it hard to focus on something other than himself. And this time around, he was thinking about himself less than four months ago in this same spot. 

He had been drunk then, an unholy amount of alcohol in his stomach, making him feel hot and sick. He'd gone outside to cool off and it had helped considerably, Changkyun even remembered taking off his socks and shoes and sticking his feet in the pool to help cool him off. It was the first time he had ingested any alcohol ever and the sensation of the burn on his tongue and in his throat was harsh, but the feeling of it all made him feel so good and free. There had been more people then, more people trying to touch Changkyun and do things with him. Changkyun couldn't remember any faces and maybe that was for the better. Walking around campus with an image of every person who had tried to hook up with him would be torturous, and he only hoped that they didn't remember him either. The only face he did remember was Jooheon's and that was where everything started, how Changkyun was here now. 

Once Changkyun had cooled off from the buzz of warmth from his mixer, he had made his way inside intending to grab more to drink, get his hands on whatever was close and maybe try some marijuana while it was being passed around. That shit stank so bad and he wondered why so many people enjoyed it, but he'd heard great things. That was the only smell Changkyun could remember from that night, besides the pizza someone eventually bought to feed all the hungry mouths there. A great addition to a party, most likely paid with a fraternity brother's father's money. No one who lived at that house paid for their own wants and desires, always had 'Daddy's money' at their disposal. Changkyun could never relate, his own father having threatened to start having him pay rent once he was a senior in high school. His parents made him into the fiercely independent person he is today and that was something he was thankful for. His parents weren't always such negative influences on him. 

Changkyun remembered trying to grab a slice of that pizza for himself and the person who was asking for one next to him, hoping that it would help ground the alcohol in his stomach and to hopefully give him some more energy, but he'd had so much trouble focusing and honing in on one object that he had needed to stare at the ceiling to, what he thought would help his case. A mix of colors had been swirling on the ceiling; reds, blues, yellows, greens, every color that the disco and LED lights had on their settings, dancing along the plaster in patterns and bursts. Gawking up at them had made Changkyun feel sick and dizzy, body starting to sway as what was happening to it finally caught up to him. Changkyun remembered starting to fall to one side, head hanging, but before getting very far, strong hands were placed on his waist from behind and he was steadied enough to continue standing. 

"Whoa now," a voice had spoken into his ear, calm and inviting with a hint of tequila on his own breath. Changkyun had turned his head as quickly as he could to face his savior and making eye contact, he felt himself lock in on those small eyes, sharp and focused. Then he looked down to those lips, thick and plump and oh so kissable. It had taken a second to focus on his entire face but when his features cleared and merged together from their previous double vision, he was met with one of the most beautiful faces he had ever seen, "You good?"

As elegantly as he could, Changkyun swallowed the rock in his throat and spoke up, introducing himself to this man with confidence he hadn't known he'd possessed before. Alcohol really was liquid courage, "I'm Changkyun. What's your name?" it was slurred and slow, Changkyun suddenly finding it hard to speak. Was that the alcohol or his attraction to this man? Thinking back on it now, something Changkyun didn't like to do, it had been his initial attraction to the man that led him to where he was in the present. Had he been in his right mind, Changkyun would have thanked him for helping him and then walked off, avoiding any more interaction between them. How he wishes it had stopped there. 

"Jooheon. Freshman?" Jooheon had asked, smile devilishly handsome and making Changkyun want more. Changkyun hadn't even used words to answer, all he'd done was hum and Jooheon continued, "Sophomore. Welcome to campus, freshy," he smirked, hands sliding a bit lower onto his hips, not exactly heading anywhere but it gave the implication of further tracking. It was smart what he was doing, making the other person think it was their idea if they continued anything beyond the initial meeting. It had riled Changkyun up and he found himself pushing his hips back onto Jooheon, whether it be on impulse or actual desire, it was enough for both to hang around each other for a bit longer. 

Things didn't immediately progress from there. Changkyun's walls were keeping up as strong as they could, but they were crumbling at a slow rate that was picking up as time moved on, speeding up as the alcohol seeped further into Changkyun's cells and spirit. Changkyun remembers how smooth and gentle Jooheon was, hands so reverent and still so strong as they dance together, involved in nothing but themselves. Jooheon was good at what he does, that was for sure. It wasn't until they both had at least two more shots in their bodies that Changkyun stopped playing hard to get and slotted himself right in the curves of Jooheon's body. Changkyun remembered that first kiss, how sloppy yet entrancing it was, how Jooheon had grabbed his neck and tugged on his hair, dominance over the situation arousing. Changkyun remembered leaving together to find a room, barely keeping hands off each other and barely letting their mouths a break. It was a wonder they didn't start doing it right there in the crowd of people. 

The sex with Jooheon had been phenomenal and something that Changykun had, until this point, tried to keep out of his head. Jooheon had a level of expertise that Changkyun didn't have, only having experience with one other person before. Jooheon had known every button to push, every trick in the book and evidently, Changkyun hadn't been that hard to figure out once he let his guard down for people like Jooheon to enter. While being the one in charge, Jooheon had been so gentle and caring and made sure that Changkyun had been enjoying it as well, something he didn't think many other people considered when it came to one night stands. 

Changkyun had been very distracted with the way Jooheon felt against his starved nerves, having missed the touch of someone in that way. It had been too long, the skin on skin so heated and intimate, so right. Jooheon had truly rocked Changkyun's world and it was delightful to be appreciated in such a way, even when it seemed most unlikely. Had there been better circumstances and had Changkyun started college with a better attitude towards those he didn't know, maybe Changkyun would spend more nights with him and relive that night over and over. But sadly, he was dealt a hand that didn't make things easy for him, but he was doing better. He was handling things and doing his best. No one could be mad at him for that. 

The memories used to appall him, used to bring on monstrous anxiety, but now that he was friends with Jooheon and wasn't so opposed to his existence, he found that he didn't get that horrible, icky feeling he always got when he thought of that night. Seeing it from a different perspective now, instead of considering it a one night stand with a complete stranger, it wasn't so bad. Jooheon wasn't the person Changkyun made him out to be, he was too quick to judge and formulate an opinion about him without taking the time to get to know him. He had been harsh, but now he was going to do better and be the friend he needed to be from the beginning because he was going to be co-parenting with Jooheon soon. 

"Hoseok!" Changkyun startled at the loud volume of Hyungwon's voice, head turning fast to see Hoseok very rapidly placing an empty shot glass onto a table nearby, "You can't be drinking!" that had to have been his third one, not too bad and Changkyun had noticed all the other times he had turned down glasses that were being passed around by a surprisingly sober fraternity brother. Just now catching his boyfriend drinking was pretty impressive, but even then Hoseok didn't appear phased at all. He was a pretty big guy, it probably took the alcohol longer to filter through his system, or that's what Changkyun thought at least. He wasn't upset by it at all, but Hyungwon sure was, "I said we wouldn't drink so Changkyun wouldn't feel left out and what do I catch you doing? Doing exactly what I told you not to do!" Hyungwon was genuinely upset, brows furrowed in a frown at his boyfriend. Hyungwon's typically indifferent expression was all contorted and out of character and it honestly scared Changkyun. Hyungwon could be frightening. 

Hoseok glanced at Changkyun with panicked eyes, the type of panic procured when you're caught doing something your boyfriend told you not to do. He was almost pleading with his eyes, asking for help but all Changkyun could do was shrug. Honestly, he couldn't see the big deal with drinking when they were out together. They didn't all need to be sober. 

What he could see though, was Jooheon. Past Hoseok's broad shoulders, he could see that familiar head of white-blonde hair. Maybe it was a trick of the disco lights but after some careful examination, he could indeed identify this party goer as his baby daddy. A spike of anxiety rose in his throat but after the revelation he had just gone through, he found that it wasn't near as intense as it was before. He had been so afraid of seeing Jooheon before, but here he was, having fun just like Changkyun was and minding his own business. The two were being college kids, as they should be, and there was no reason for ill will. 

Hyungwon was too occupied scolding Hoseok for 'being insensitive' and while that was happening, Changkyun danced to himself, easy and slow as he cast lingering gazes in Jooheon's direction past Hoseok's shoulders. Jooheon was with a group of guys, some serious b-boying happening among their group, Jooheon throwing down his own moves, earning an eruption of applause from his friends. Changkyun hadn't really had the chance to see Jooheon outside of their awkward encounters, and seeing him now, he looked much younger and less stressed. Carefree. He looked like someone who was his age, not forced to put up a front imposed on him by the responsibilities of having a child. Guilt clawed at Changkyun's throat, but he also couldn't do that to himself. It took two to make a baby, Changkyun couldn't have done it by himself. It was he and Jooheon dealing with this in tandem. 

Once Hyungwon was done reprimanding his boyfriend and his partying habits, Changkyun had thought several times whether or not he should go and talk to Jooheon. He was too socially inept to do that by himself and realized that he needed Hyungwon and Hoseok with him if he wanted to greet the older at all. He was also afraid of the explanation that could follow from his friends if Changkyun were to approach him. Would Jooheon explain that he was pregnant with his child or mask that by calling him a friend? Jooheon seemed pretty eccentric and not knowing the answer to his questions, he settled on telling Hyungwon and Hoseok that he could see Jooheon and that they should approach him together. That seemed better than any other outcome he had created in his head, and then they could all spend the night together. More time spent with the father of his child will help him out in the long run. 

Hyungwon turned to Changkyun, apologetic frown on his face, "I'm so sorry, I know I said we wouldn't drink. That's not fair to you if we drink you can't," Hoseok was behind Hyungwon and looked apologetic as well, but not as deeply as Hyungwon did. He obviously saw it more from Changkyun's perspective that his boyfriend's. 

"Hey, it's okay, really I don't mind if you both drink," Hyungwon look unconvinced and looked as though he was going to argue more, "You're both allowed to make your own decisions," he gave what he knew to be a convincing smile, deepening when Hyungwon's own frown softened, not too concerned with current affairs as he was before. He was an expert at reading Changkyun now and he was being genuine now, didn't find much fault in his boyfriend's actions, "Besides, that's not what I'm concerned about right now," now was the time to change tactics and speak up before he lost his courage. 

"Oh?" Hoseok asked cautiously, afraid Hyungwon would turn around and snap at him again, "What were you thinking?" 

Changkyun felt anxiety in the pit of his stomach but lifted a hand to gesture to where he knew Jooheon was, but the words he was about to speak were stuck in his throat as he eyed Jooheon now. Hoseok had moved to the side, clearing his view so he could see the entirety of Jooheon woven among his group of friends and he wished he had stayed silent and hadn't even thought that it was okay to approach Jooheon at all when he was at a party. It was at this moment that Changkyun learned he was never to interact with Jooheon at a party. This was why neither Hyungwon nor Hoseok could get in touch with Jooheon before leaving. 

There was a girl in his hands, holding her waist gently as she was bent over, grinding her hips up against his body with fervor, giving her all to show off just for Jooheon. Jooheon was enjoying it, hooting and hollering, grinding back and putting up quite a show. His friends were focused elsewhere, their own guests and partners with them. Some were doing just as Jooheon was and seeing it all together was so overwhelming to Changkyun that he delved deeper into his mind and what this meant. Maybe he was overthinking it, but thinking that now, he wasn't and he was making sense of it entirely. 

Hyungwon turned over his shoulder, Hoseok doing the same and it took a second for their eyes to focus on what Changkyun was seeing. It hadn't clicked at first but Hyungwon was the first to understand how this might seem to his best friend. He turned to speak but Changkyun spoke first, "Let's go home," it was a desperate demand and once Hyungwon and Hoseok had heard him, he turned and headed towards where he knew the exit was without argument. He felt nauseated now, the smells and lights of this party far too much for him. He was suddenly very overwhelmed and needed to get out, mind ruminating and eyes screwing close to shut. He couldn't do that now when he was trying to leave and weave past all these people. Tunnel vision had a whole new definition for him right now. 

"Changkyun! Changkyun, wait!" he could hear Hyungwon shouting his name in an attempt to get him to talk and explain himself but he was too focused on how he was feeling about what he had just witnessed. 

To his surprise, he wasn't mad. Instead, he was bewildered and disconcerted, while also simultaneously being enlightened. Deducing all that he had seen and considered, there was something Changkyun had concluded with a terrifying finality. He didn't know if it was positive or negative yet, but the more time that passed, he figured it was positive for Jooheon and was a mixture of both for himself. It was confusing and overwhelming but it had a simplified conclusion, watered down for his sake before he went too insane. 

He was just a mistake to Jooheon, that's all he ever was. He was the one that broke Jooheon's record of a string of other people he's slept with. The father of his baby is out being a college kid and Changkyun doesn’t want to take that away from him because he knows they’re both kids, he can’t blame Jooheon for anything. They’re so young, too young. Changkyun thought he knew not to expect so much from Jooheon, especially since he didn't know much about him, but yet here he was thinking that Jooheon wasn't going to be all over other people. He and Jooheon weren't the same people, they were worlds apart. 

Stepping out of the house, it gave Hyungwon more room to confront the younger and get an answer from him. Before Changkyun could take a step further out of his reach, Hyungwon clapped a hand on his shoulder and forced him to turn around, annoyance getting the best of him, "Changkyun, please tell me what you're thinking. It's scary when you get like this!" he had seen Changkyun this way before. When he had said he was getting an abortion he had looked the same way, quiet and off. Hyungwon didn't like it and he wanted to be able to help Changkyun. 

But Changkyun knew Hyungwon wouldn't be able to help him. Not this time, "I'm not talking about this, I don't have to talk about this," was his immediate response, straight face and no emotion to connect. He was hiding behind his walls again and this time he wasn't going to talk about it. Hyungwon would not win this time because this was all him. It always had been, "This doesn't concern you this time. Take me home," he turned again and started walking, noticing how some people attending the party were staring, having heard Hyungwon's outbursts. 

Hyungwon wanted to fight, not satisfied with what Changkyun had given him, but it was Hoseok who out a hand on Hyungwon's shoulder to stop him from pressing further. Changkyun wouldn't talk, they couldn't make him, "Let it go," he nearly whispered, guiding him forward so they didn't fall too far behind Changkyun. With a huff, Hyungwon obeyed even though he didn't like it one bit. Hoseok was right anyway. Changkyun was tough and stubborn and he didn't have to say anything. 

In his mind, Changkyun was reminded that he was having a baby by the way his hand brushed his small bump en route to shifting his jeans so they were more comfortable. His next thought was that Jooheon was having a baby too and that he shouldn’t be acting this way. He was going to be a father for God's sake. But then again, he doesn't have to be involved, Changkyun's initial plan had been to not involve him. Jooheon could live his life, going to parties and drinking, having fun with his friends, not caring for a baby that was an accident. He could graduate on time and not have to worry about dragging Changkyun and the baby behind him. 

Changkyun wanted to give up on him, it seems easier. It is easier. He still can’t trust Jooheon, there’s no reason to. He's his own person still and even if Changkyun did let him stay, who was to say he would be a good father? There was nothing Changkyun could guarantee and it seemed like he had made the right decision. He was going to cut ties with Jooheon, avoid him like the plague, not let him near even when Hyungwon was his friend. He wasn't allowed because Changkyun was giving him that out. He guesses he would be okay, it was probably for the best. 

Finally making it to the car, it was Hyungwon who was driving, not letting Hoseok in the driver's seat, not risking the threat of drunk driving. Changkyun climbed into the back, keeping quiet as Hyungwon and Hoseok entered the car as well and buckled in. It was painfully awkward, no one knowing what to say until it was Hyungwon, apologizing profusely. 

"Changkyun, I'm so sorry. I was the one who invited you to go party with us even though you didn't want to, and I know you're mad at me and I'm really really sorry," he didn't know the full extent of Changkyun's thoughts but knowing him enough, he could deduce that Changkyun was upset that Jooheon was the same as he was before. It was hurtful seeing him do the same things he'd done to Changkyun with other people and Hyungwon could understand that. It was complicated, but even in his own opinion, he wouldn't like seeing his baby daddy with anyone else either. 

Changkyun hated that Hyungwon was blaming himself, wanted to tell him he wasn't at fault, but Hyungwon was speaking again, "I could talk to Jooheon, give him a piece of my mind and tell him that he can't go around being an asshole. Would you like that?" 

Honestly, Changkyun didn't like the sound of that. It was borderline immature and it wasn't Hyungwon's problem in the first place. He saw it coming, Hyungwon's guilt. But he chose to ignore his apologies because he just wanted to go home, wished Hyungwon would start the car so they could leave, “I want cookies and cream ice cream,” Changkyun settled on, desperately avoiding this conversation. It was making his head hurt and he just wanted some ice cream to wash away this great night turned awful, "From the grocery store please," he folded his arms over his chest, no emotion present on his features. He was holding strong, concealing everything. 

Hyungwon wanted to try again but Hoseok placed a hand on his knee, successfully catching his attention, "Hyungwon, I think we should go," holding eye contact for a second in the dark, dimly lit from the street lamps bordering the road, Hyungwon silently nodded and started the car, pulling onto the road and heading toward the grocery store. A promise was a promise after all. 

Changkyun didn't want to eat the ice cream that night anymore, stomach too upset to try a single spoonful. He had grabbed two pints, cookies and cream and plain chocolate. He headed to their room after placing them in the freezer and once he had stripped and dressed in pajama pants and a large t-shirt, Hyungwon tried again to talk to him, "Changkyun," he started regretfully, but didn't get very far as Changkyun cut him off. 

"Good night, hyung," he wished dryly before burying himself under the covers, back turned away from Hyungwon. He heard a sigh and the lights were turned off, the darkness swallowing their spent bodies and leaving them suffocated. 

Silent tears streamed down Changkyun's face, loathing everything that had happened this night, forgetting the fun he'd had in favor of wallowing in deep thought. He was exhausted and right before he fell into a restless sleep, he concluded something heartbreaking and upsetting. He'd made a huge mistake. 

Changkyun had decided to give Jooheon a chance and he realized he shouldn’t have. He should have left him out of it entirely. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the hardest chapters to write because Hoseok left and that wasn't something I was prepared for at all. The whole issue with Wonho in general is absolute bull shit and he should still be in Monsta X. I miss him and this chapter was hard to write but I miss them and I will always love Wonho and support Monsta X. No one can ever change my mind


	7. Steal Your Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I updated and I hope you enjoy this chapter  
> 

Changkyun hadn't realized that Kihyun and Minhyuk's birthdays were so close together until Hyungwon was telling him that he had planned a party for them in the private room of their dorm lounge. He felt bad for not knowing since he had been getting closer to the two over this semester, his own stubbornness preventing him from learning and retaining personal information for fear of losing those ties. To make up for it, having missed Minhyuk's birthday by almost three weeks, Changkyun bought gifts for him and Kihyun, but Kihyun's gift was more timely since Changkyun was only late by a day. They were small since he wasn't looking to blow his hard-earned money on extravagant gifts when he had a baby to save up for but it was enough for him to establish that he was thinking of them. Minhyuk might think it a bit late to hand out birthday gifts, but then again, he instigated this mess with involving Jooheon and not to mention Daehyun who was very understanding and had chosen not to say anything, thank God. He'd caused a lot of headaches for Changkyun and so there was no room for him to sulk over a late birthday gift. He was lucky he was getting anything at all. 

And to make it more personal, Changkyun chose to give them the gifts when he was alone with them, not wanting that kind of attention shed on him by others when it came time to the party. It wasn’t much, some candy and some muffins he’d bought at the grocery store. He wasn’t the best at baking and he didn’t dare attempt making those by hand, and everyone liked baked goods from grocery stores. Changkyun knew he did, especially now that he was pregnant. 

He hand-delivered them to their door when he knew both of them were home. It was easy to tell since he could always hear Minhyuk’s voice through the wall, and if Minhyuk was talking that meant Kihyun was home. Seeing as Minhyuk was getting louder and he was now addressing Kihyun, Changkyun removed himself from the comfort of his bed and grabbed the gifts, holding them in his arms timidly. 

Changkyun was very nervous even though this was a small gesture. He didn’t have the best relationship with either of them, although he had a better one with Kihyun than Minhyuk, and he was afraid of any judgment he could receive. Even though he wouldn’t be able to hear what they were thinking of him, the thought of it was unsettling and making his stomach turn in weird ways. It was almost enough for him to turn around and take the gifts for himself, but before he could retreat he knocked on the door and stood still, holding his breath and almost praying that no one would answer. Minhyuk was loud enough that the volume could cover up Changkyun's knocking, so it was possible and he could go on scot-free and spare himself the embarrassment of an awkward encounter. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky. It took a second before the door was opened and at first, Changkyun hadn’t been met by a person and was instead met with the wall on the other side of the room. It wasn’t until he peered in that he noticed how Minhyuk had opened the door while still lying in his bed, body stretched over the edge and reaching out for the door handle. Minhyuk looked just as surprised as Changkyun felt, but neither chose to address it until Minhyuk removed himself from the bed and was standing now, “Changkyun?” Minhyuk asked, surprised to see his next-door neighbor at his door. This had never happened before and the confusion was understandable, but it made it even harder for Changkyun to proceed. It was much more complicated to do this in person compared to how he imagined it before. 

"Hey, hyung," Changkyun commenced with a shaky voice, suddenly finding his throat very dry and like he was trying to speak through gravel lodged in his esophagus, "I got you something," he started, finding that the way he had rehearsed this earlier had escaped his mind and that he no longer knew how to address this properly and without making himself look like a fool, "It's a late birthday gift to both you and Kihyun hyung.”

At the mention of his name, Kihyun finally entered Changkyun’s line of sight. He had been sitting on his bed and making some last-minute changes to a paper that was due soon when Changkyun had entered the room. Interest peaking, he finally peeled himself from his homework and hopped up, deciding it would be polite to greet his neighbor and ask how he was. The smile on his face was all telling of his joy to meet his unit mate and it made Changkyun feel more comfortable about the situation, "You didn't have to do that, Changkyun ah," Kihyun shook his head, eying the food the younger was clutching in his arms. It wasn't wrapped or anything and Changkyun felt a little ridiculous not thinking of doing that beforehand. Putting them in a bag would have been better than how he was presenting his gifts now. His lack of ability to plan ahead of time was rather impressive. 

"I wanted to though, so here you go. Happy birthday," he nodded, handing the gifts out for Kihyun to take as he made his way past Minhyuk. It was a little forceful since he unintentionally thrust them at the older, but Kihyun caught them quickly before they could fall at all. Changkyun was fumbling and felt like an idiot, "Sorry," he mumbled under his breath, pulling his arms away when Kihyun had a sufficient grip on the treats Changkyun had bought them. 

"No no, don't apologize. I really appreciate this. Thank you so much," Kihyun smiled, a beautiful smile that could light up the room. Minhyuk was newly interested and was now standing next to Kihyun, investigating what was theirs and seeing what he would like to start eating, "Will you be at the party tonight?" Kihyun asked. It was in nearly two hours and that's where Hyungwon was now as he readied the private room for a small party, a more intimate setting among close friends. It was going to be small and that was a party Changkyun could go to without feeling overwhelmed. 

"Of course," Changkyun chirped, flushed smiled blooming his cheeks red in embarrassment. He was a little too eager of an answer and it was very out of character for him to be so upbeat among others. He felt vulnerable doing so and while it was something that he was trying not to let bother him, it was a hard mentality to break, "Why wouldn't I be there?" he knew exactly why he wouldn't be there and Kihyun did too. Changkyun was still adjusting to having so many people around him and was still attempting to find his spot among the already established friend group; that could make anyone a little nervous. And Kihyun knew Changkyun was still a little rocky with Jooheon; it was understandable after the absolute riddle they were in. What he didn’t know was that Changkyun was avoiding Jooheon entirely, and it was something he didn’t need to know. That was none of his business and Changkyun would prefer he keep it that way.   
“Just making sure,” Kihyun smiled wide, keeping neutral in an attempt at masking his curiosity of this person and in all honesty, he was excited to have Changkyun at his small birthday party. He’d heard so many great things about him from Hyungwon and he wanted to experience that first hand. Changkyun was too guarded around him to experience that for himself. 

The conversation was dwindling into nothing and it looked as though Changkyun was going to leave but Kihyun initiated more, not wanting to cease what was a good opportunity for some personal inquiries: like, “How are you? How’s the baby?” Minhyuk perked up, having been dead silent this entire interaction. Despite his slip-ups in the past, he was interested in Changkyun’s pregnancy because a baby was an extraordinary thing. No one could deny that. He was also interested in Changkyun and had such questions like why he was so secretive and to himself? There was a lot of mystery to Changkyun. 

Turning his attention to the baby he was growing seemed to be a card everyone played when trying to keep the conversation going and the image of the bump hidden under his oversized hoodie was at the forefront of his mind. Changkyun should probably answer, and answer with more than he usually would with anyone he spoke to besides Hyungwon, “I’m pretty tired, but when am I not?” he questioned, noticing the soft smile Minhyuk gave him from over Kihyun’s shoulder, a hint of humor in it as well. It was something most college kids could relate to, “And my back is starting to ache a little bit. But other than that I’m just peachy.” 

Both Kihyun and Minhyuk nodded and it was Minhyuk that spoke up next, “How’s the baby?” he asked following Kihyun. He was well aware that Changkyun was heading toward that but he wanted to know now. He was fascinated by this baby, he truly was. 

Changkyun felt his gut twist and he didn’t want to answer. Minhyuk was still mostly a stranger and speaking about his baby didn't seem all too pleasant when he still didn't know much about Minhyuk. But, it would be polite to answer and an opportunity to open up more and gain his friendship. That was something he was supposed to be working on, “They’re great. Hanging in there,” he shrugged, not knowing what else to say, except for something he had read that morning shortly after he woke up and it was pretty interesting, “They’re about the size of an orange this week, so that’s pretty cool,” he genuinely thought so. He had an orange-sized baby inside of him. That was insane to think about. 

“Whoa... Hold on!" Minhyuk motioned, holding one finger up in front of Changkyun’s face before pushing past his roommate and the pregnant boy. He headed towards their unit fridge and opened the door, reaching in and grabbing something before turning around with a ridiculous grin and lifting his hand to reveal that he had grabbed an orange for reference. It was a good-sized orange, but not obscenely huge and not overly small. Almost the perfect size, “Like this?” 

Changkyun figured that would be the size of his baby, he wouldn’t know for certain either way. His baby didn't seem that big, but then again there was a lot of room for his baby to grow into. He couldn't tell from the outside that there was a baby just yet, “Yeah, probably like that,” putting it into perspective made it even wilder that a baby that size was in his belly. A hand unconsciously rested against the slight curve of his bump, amazement at what his body was doing all too prevalent, “But even then, oranges are all shapes and sizes so I’m not sure how accurate that is.” 

Minhyuk pouted with a nod, placing the orange back in its original spot, “I guess you’re right.” 

Sensing that Changkyun was nearing his limit, Kihyun piped up, “Again, thank you so much for the gifts, that was really nice of you to do. And while I would like to continue talking and ask more about your day, I really need to finish my essay and turn it in before the party or I won’t get it done in time. I can’t afford that kind of mishap,” he started to retreat back into his room at a good pace, not too eager, and Minhyuk was close to follow. He had no pressing assignments to finish but he had been watching a new show on Netflix that he wanted to continue with, “Thank you so much again. We’ll see you at the party, okay?” Kihyun inquired, hoping the answer was yes still. He hoped he hadn't overpassed any boundaries. 

Changkyun smiled and nodded, feeling satisfied with the conversation overall and his ability to stay even though his brain was telling him to leave, “Definitely. I’ll be there,” he felt good about his answer. He was still a little skittish but many of the doubts he had beforehand were gone and he truly wanted to attend and have some fun, as much as he could with what was going on in his life, “Should I bring anything?” he figured he should since the party was so small. It wouldn’t be the best idea to show up without something to share, at least to him. His mother raised him with the idea to be a polite guest and bring something for others to eat. It was rude not to and that kind of mentality stuck with him. 

“No, not at all! You already bought these for us,” Kihyun reminded with his arms gesturing what was in his hold, a small laugh leaving his lips. His smile could light up a room and it made his features so soft; it was hard for Changkyun not to feel comfortable in his presence, “You’re all good. Thank you again.” 

That was reassuring and brought a toothy smile on, “Alright, I’ll see you soon then,” Changkyun nodded, a slight bow to his posture, “And again, Happy Birthday,” both of the older boys thanked him with enthusiastic smiles and that was that. Changkyun was heading off to his room with another farewell from both Kihyun and Minhyuk, a smile on his lips. All in all, he felt good about the conversation he’d had and he wouldn’t mind speaking to the two some more in the future. It wasn’t as bad as he had imagined. He should be a little more trusting and maybe not judge so easily. They were so kind when Changkyun hadn’t been. He should change that and be more inviting. 

\------- -------

Hyungwon had needed Changkyun to help set up some things last minute and he found that he couldn't tell the older no even if he wanted to. It was a small favor that Hyungwon asked of him and he was thrilled to help. Changkyun was in a good mood and was willing to socialize and come out of his room to help someone he cared about. That wasn't something he could say he's wanted to do before and it was something he was momentarily proud of. 

He hadn't been asked to do much and Changkyun believed it was due to the fact that Hyungwon was getting more and more protective of Changkyun and his actions. Just the other day, Changkyun had been doing his dishes and Hyungwon had come home from class. Spotting him standing at the sink and starting on his first plate, Hyungwon had nearly sprinted to stop his hands from working at the grime on the ceramic. 'You need to sit down and rest', he claimed, hip checking Changkyun out of the way so he could scrub at his dirty dishes. It was no different from now, making sure Changkyun did the easiest tasks possible and leaving him barely anything to work with. He'd been asked to set up snacks for guests to grab when they arrived and that consisted of opening bags of chips and dumping them in bowls and setting out glasses and soju bottles to grab. He'd asked if there was anything else he could do and Hyungwon had just told him to sit and relax. He'd expected it, but there was no winning with Hyungwon. Whatever he says goes. 

So Changkyun was sitting on the couch and staring at his phone as Hoseok and Hyungwon worked in near silence, focus on the party and everything they still needed to set up. It had taken a while but eventually Changkyun was able to gain the courage to speak up, believing that this would be a good time to mention, "I invited Hyunwoo hyung," it was probably a bit too late to bring up but better bring it up now instead of leaving it a surprise when he shows up. Neither Hyungwon nor Hoseok asked for further clarification but Changkyun offered it anyway, "He didn't have anything planned for tonight so I thought it would be a good idea to invite him over and he said he'd love to come. I hope that's okay," he shrunk in on himself, feeling as though he should have asked if it was okay in the first place. This was Minhyuk and Kihyun's celebration and inviting a stranger probably wasn't the best idea. 

Hyungwon was pleasantly surprised in all honesty. Changkyun was branching out and inviting a friend to a function, and that was such a huge improvement to his character that Hyungwon actually felt immensely proud of the younger. He liked Hyunwoo and to hear that he was going to be at this party was actually exciting. He didn't have many chances to spend time with him, so it was nice to get that chance again even though a total surprise, "No, that's great! We'll introduce him to the guys and he'll fit right in," his smile was soft and welcoming. It made Changkyun's spike of anxiety lessen to a more manageable point. 

"You think so?" Changkyun asked, hoping he was right. He really liked Hyunwoo and considered him a friend already. He'd gotten to know him over text messages since they'd met for coffee and through all this conversing, he'd come to find out that he was a really great person through and through. He didn't judge and was so quick to support Changkyun with everything that it was hard not to enjoy his company. It meant a lot to hear that Hyunwoo would be welcomed with open arms. Every other person attending the party knew each other and were good friends, not including Changkyun. It was no fun being the odd one out, and having Hyunwoo there with him would make him feel less alone. 

Hyungwon nodded enthusiastically, bouncing a little closer to where Changkyun was sitting, "I do. And he and Hoseokie started school the same semester too, and they've probably had run-ins without them knowing. Maybe they'll find some common meeting points between them when he gets here," Hyungwon shrugged, feeling his smile starting to hurt his cheeks. He glanced at his boyfriend and Hoseok shrugged in agreement, small nod added, "Maybe you'll be best friends by the end of the night," he guessed, a light-hearted ring of laughter following. 

"But  _you're_  my best friend," Hoseok pouted jokingly, stopping what he was doing to frown and pout at his boyfriend, "You're enough for me," there was an underlying tone of humor to his voice and Changkyun laughed under his breath, watching as Hyungwon readied himself for fun banter. Hyungwon could be either very lovey-dovey and clingy, or he could taunt and fight Hoseok. It was either-or with no in-between. 

"Ew, did you really just call me your best friend?" Hyungwon fake gagged, finding the statement entirely too clingy and disgusting. It was very much a cliche, "I'm your boyfriend." 

"You're not just my boyfriend, you're my best friend," Hoseok reiterated but even then he was cringing at his own words, face visibly scrunching up as though in pain and urging Hyungwon into side-splitting laughter. Changkyun was no different, having known people in the past who had claimed something similar. Of course though, it was ideal to be dating someone who knew you like a best friend would, but solely marking their significant other as their best friend unironically was horribly cringy and Changkyun couldn't help the ticklish twist in his stomach after hearing the statement. It was all too funny for him. 

"Stop!" Hyungwon admonished as he playfully pushed at Hoseok's shoulder with one hand, feeling his heart in his stomach with how awful that sounded. He was overwhelmed with chagrin, "Stop being disgusting. Bring back the normal Hoseok who isn't sentimental and romantic. It's nasty when you get this way,” and then to just annoy Hyungwon more, Hoseok pulled out just about some of the cutest aegyo Changkyun had ever seen. It was impressive honestly and he wondered how the older could pull off such looks when he was muscular to no end. It was when Hoseok made a noise that was embarrassing and hilarious that Changkyun lost it and fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. 

He proceeded for a while, his pervasive laughter filling the room and both Hoseok and Hyungwon noted how happy he sounded. His laugh was loud yet cautious; it was the kind of laugh that didn't fit his features. He always looked so serious and focused, and to hear his laugh at a higher pitch than his deep voice and careful manner was a mixture of jaw-dropping and heart-warming. Changkyun was changing right before their eyes, allowing himself to be himself and to relax around others. It was progress and Hyungwon wanted to give Changkyun the biggest hug, but that was still too much for him to process. Give it more time and Hyungwon would be draped over Changkyun every moment of the day; hopefully vice versa. 

Changkyun's laughter faltered when the door to the private room opened up, composing himself so the next guest didn't have to endure the volume of his voice. It was about time everyone was supposed to walk in, limited to seven of them total, and Changkyun didn't know who he was expecting first, but he definitely wasn't anticipating Jooheon to enter those doors. Beforehand, Changkyun had asked Hyungwon if said boy was coming to the party and Hyungwon had claimed he wasn't; something about being busy with an assignment due that night. He had been truthful and Changkyun could see that, but this was something neither had been anticipating. His laughter stopped entirely then. The tone shifted to a terrifying degree, the aura dragging and thick. 

"Hey, Jooheon," Hoseok greeted, shortly followed by Hyungwon's own greeting, shock-ridden yet friendly. Changkyun kept silent on the couch in the far corner of the room, "Thought you said you weren't coming?" he inquired, worrying about what Changkyun would be thinking right now. Hoseok was still friends with Jooheon and not greeting him would be rude, especially since they'd been friends for a while now, "This is a nice surprise."

"I wasn't planning on it, but I figured I should come and support my boys," he shrugged with a small smile on his lips, hands in his pockets, "What kind of friend would I be if I didn't show up to their birthday party? A pretty shitty friend, that's for sure. So here I am," he spread his arms, enunciating his presence in the room, "And I'm ready to have some fun!" his exclamation was followed by a bit of silence but it was filled by more conversation initiated by Hoseok. 

Changkyun felt anxiety in the pit of his stomach, itching to crawl up his throat and rear its ugly head in full, but he was bracing himself against that. This was not the time nor the place to do this, so he was doing his best to keep composed and grounded. He momentarily busied himself by grabbing something to eat from the assortment of snacks he had helped set up, removing himself from the couch to grab something sweet. Anything to keep his focus off the one person he was trying to avoid the most. 

"Well grab a beer and sit down. We still have to wait on Minhyuk and Kihyun," Hyungwon directed, hand waving in the direction of the snack table. Doing so meant that Jooheon would be in closer proximity to Changkyun and it had his stomach turning. But before Jooheon could move an inch, Minhyuk and Kihyun were entering the room with expectant smiles on their face as their heads peeked in. Hyungwon's focus was then on the two birthday boys and he was no longer concerned with Changkyun's inner turmoil. Well, he was always concerned, but there were more pressing matters to attend to. The guests of honor were here and this whole event was formulated for them. It would be rude not to speak to and welcome them. 

Jooheon hugged both Kihyun and Minhyuk, speaking to them for a bit and Changkyun was thankful for this momentary reprieve. He just needed to slot himself next to Hyungwon and Hoseok and he would be okay and have an out so he didn't have to speak to him. Eying the couple now though, he noticed how close they were as they spoke to the newcomers, holding each other's waists with smiles on their faces. They were happy with each other's company and it felt wrong to walk up and try to disrupt that with his own issues. Changkyun dug at his palms with his nails, most likely leaving marks as he stuck to himself by the snack table. He grabbed his phone from his pocket, texting Hyunwoo to see how close he was to arriving at their dorm. Hopefully close enough to save him from this torture and not leave him feeling so alone and by himself. He needed someone, anyone to help him through the near panic he was afraid of letting take control. He sent his text and the approach of another person stole his attention, head shooting back up to identify who he was about to speak to. Just to his luck, because the universe likes to fuck with him like that, it was Jooheon with a beer in hand and an awkward smile on his face. 

Changkyun wanted to throw up right then and there. 

"Hey," he started a bit cautiously, eyebrow quirked innocently. He looked far too maintained for his own good and Changkyun thought how cruel that was, considering he was the one panicking at the moment. He knew what was coming but he wasn't ready to talk about this with Jooheon, or anyone really. Not now, not later, not ever. It would be easier that way, "I haven't heard from you in a while." 

 _For good reason_ , Changkyun thought to himself. Aloud, he nodded and spoke with a low and quiet voice, aiming to be cordial, "You haven't," he confirmed, avoiding eye contact with everything he had. He grabbed the hydro flask he had brought down from his room and took a drink, more reason not to speak more. What he would do to take a shot right now. He was going to need it with all the evident pressing that was going to take place. But alas, he was pregnant. 

"Well, is there a reason for that?" Jooheon asked, sounding a bit more forceful this time. It was far from aggressive, but he was definitely trying to get an answer out of Changkyun, and a good one at that, "For not keeping in touch without telling me why?" that sounded a little more direct, his prying taking further purpose. 

"Not really," Changkyun shrugged, making eye contact for a moment before looking away again. He was too nervous to hold it any longer, "I've just been really busy lately," which also wasn't a lie. Finals were creeping closer and he was busy finishing projects and studying. There was a lot to do, and he didn't even mention the stress he felt about his pregnancy and his family. Going home for Christmas felt more like a death wish than a positive thing. 

"Too busy to text me back? I doubt that," Jooheon frowned, anger furrowing his brows and features. He was getting upset now, clutch on his beer unconsciously getting tighter. Changkyun could understand entirely but doing this right now was in no way mature. This was hostile and it was making Changkyun feel uncomfortable in an environment where he's supposed to feel safe, "You were never on your phone long enough to shoot me a quick text about how you are? Or telling me that you couldn't do lunch?" 

"It happens sometimes," Changkyun shrugged, moving to slip past Jooheon with confidence but the older wasn't having it. He blocked his path with his body and looking up, the expression on Jooheon's features was that of pure annoyance, "I don't look at my phone that often anymore," promptly, he remembered how he had just been on his phone when Jooheon walked up to him. He'd been caught in his own lie. 

Jooheon huffed, eyes rolling so far back into his head Changkyun thought he was going to see his own brain. Jooheon was keeping composed as possible as he formulated his next statement, keeping his own mouth at bay. Which was a feat since he usually spoke a mile a minute and whatever was on his mind, "Look, it's not fair that I'm the only one putting effort into keeping in contact when it's supposed to be the both of us," his beer switched hands, the nerves of this all making Jooheon fidgety. He was trying not to explode on the younger and make things more difficult than they already were. He knew he was losing Changkyun and he was hoping to keep him around still. He was having his baby after all, "We can't be friends when you don't even care." 

"That's not it," Changkyun defended quickly, anger spiking his mood at Jooheon's audacity. He wanted so badly to tell Jooheon that what he was doing was all for his sake. Jooheon didn't need all of this and Changkyun reminded himself that he was just a mistake to the older, something that was never meant to happen. He wanted Jooheon to leave him alone but that was hard to accomplish when they both had the same friends; gave more opportunities for them to cross paths. It was frustrating and was discouraging Changkyun from coming to any more of these kinds of things even though he was wanting to. Coming face to face with Jooheon was too painful and too destructive.

A hint of confusion was added to Jooheon's features before it was back to a defined frown, "Then what is it?" his hand gripped his beer, the other one curled into a fist in his jacket pocket. He was past frustrated, he was closing in on enraged and he wanted this answer to his question or he would snap. He had been trying so hard with Changkyun, so why the hell was he making this so arduous? "Tell me so I can understand." 

Changkyun felt he had no choice this time. Jooheon was so insistent and his attitude and intensity were all too convincing. It was so simple to say and it would clear up so much, but it was heavy and a hard conversation to have. A conversation that Changkyun would end up tanking and leading to Jooheon getting his way, which would be to stay and be a father. Changkyun just couldn't do that to him when he was still so young and had so much left to do. Talking about it would make everything harder and in all honesty, he wanted Jooheon to leave him alone and go live life. Do what Changkyun wouldn't be able to do and be a kid. Changkyun resented that whole-heartedly and if he had that choice, he would take it. Jooheon wasn't looking at the big picture, but Changkyun was. He was doing him a favor.

Changkyun was left horribly anxious now and he desperately didn't want to talk about this, leading to a very public fight in front of those he wants to be better friends with. He could see that Hyungwon was looking and the desire to step in was evident in his wide eyes, and he may have done it had a new guest not walked into the room. Changkyun's eyes darted towards the door to see who it was, still avoiding Jooheon's sight even though the older was frantically trying to keep his attention. Jooheon made a move to keep Changkyun in place but it was too late. Changkyun had already seen who entered and it was game over. Hyunwoo walked through that door, cautiously and politely, not wanting to disturb the peace that was already there. Little did he know, he was settling it and Changkyun was thankful for that. 

"Hyunwoo hyung!" Changkyun shouted, pushing past Jooheon with a hard knock to his arm, luckily not the one that was holding his beer, "You're finally here!" he crashed into Hyunwoo, hugging him tightly out of relief for not having to endure that pain any longer. Greeting with a hug was not something Changkyun would do unless it was his mother, father, or older brother. It felt so unnatural while also feeling so natural at the same time. Changkyun enjoyed it. 

"I am," he spoke, a little surprised at the physical greeting but hugging back anyway, "I see you didn't get my text. I told you I was walking up to the dorm, luckily someone was coming in at the same time as me so I had a way in without calling," he chuckled, arms loose around Changkyun's body. 

Changkyun had no idea. He had been too busy talking to Jooheon to check his phone, too upset to think about anything other than what Jooheon had been trying to get at. He pulled away awkwardly, hands going to rest at his sides, "I didn't, but I'm happy you're here. Now we can have a real party," Changkyun turned to face the other guests who were waiting patiently to greet the newcomer. He patted him on the shoulder as a way to guide him closer to everyone, "Let me introduce you to everyone." 

Changkyun noticed how Jooheon walked up to the group of people to and he threw the older a quick glance. He looked genuinely upset with a frown and furrowed brows, but that wasn't Changkyun's problem right now. Jooheon had tried so hard to ground Changkyun in the conversation, but he has no control over him whatsoever, not when Changkyun was as spirited and guarded as he was. Jooheon wasn't going to get anything out of him and Changkyun wanted to keep it that way. 

Hyungwon had been very excited to see Hyunwoo join them and gave him a hug as well. He had excitedly introduced his name and what he was studying as though Hyunwoo couldn't do that on his own, but he let Hyungwon speak since he was so happy to do so. Everyone had been so kind in welcoming Hyunwoo, someone they had never met before, and with how sociable every person was, it was easy to find out similarities, differences, and many things to talk about. Changkyun was glad that his friend found his place among their friend group while still being close to him. That was all he could ask for. 

"Okay okay, listen. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?" Hyunwoo asked, taking a sip from his beer with an amused smile on his face. Impressed coos followed because it was such a good question, "Personally, I would rob a bank. College ain't cheap, am I right?" he lifted his beer as a mock toast, a testament to what he had just said. Several agreements followed and no one could deny that what Hyunwoo had spoken was a good answer. 

"Honestly, me too," Kihyun agreed, playfully hitting Minhyuk's shoulder when he uttered 'unoriginal' under his breath, "I need a lot more money if I want to open up new schools all around the world. And I agree, college is expensive," he held his hand out for Hyunwoo to high five and he did so enthusiastically, an adorable smile on his face with his tooth gap and small eyes on display. Kihyun's wide and toothy smile to match. 

Answers were passed along, spying on teachers or employers, more theft, anything that would be able to pass when no one could see you. Of course, it was all a fake situation and they couldn't, in good conscience, do those kinds of things. When it came to Changkyun, he had an answer that he'd been planning and he thought it was pretty funny. It was what everyone should have answered with, in his opinion, "If I was invisible for a day, I would walk the streets naked," a smug smile followed, proud of his answer and nodding his head as though agreeing with himself. Hyungwon had hit his thigh as he laughed, real and genuine hysteria taking over as he did so. 

A chorus of reactions followed, all fascinated with Changkyun's answer and some even asking themselves why they hadn't thought of that before, "That's the perfect answer!" Hoseok laughed, perfect teeth on display, "And no one can see anything so it doesn't even matter. It's worth a try at least." 

"Exactly," Changkyun clapped his hands obnoxiously, "And clothes are uncomfortable. It would be nice to wear my birthday suit outside of the bathroom and my own room," and it would allow some semblance of comfort that he was having a hard time finding recently. He was getting bigger and his clothes were getting tighter, specifically his bottoms and jeans. And in general, being naked was a good time. 

"Amen, brother," Minhyuk agreed, stealing the bottle of soju from Kihyun's hand and taking a sip, protests from Kihyun following, "Wearing clothes is a societal norm. We should bring back the normalcy of nudity, I think that would be awesome. Our ancestors would do it, we should too." 

"No way, man. I don't want to see your junk hanging out every day. I'm perfectly content with keeping a low profile," Hyungwon shook his head, "And besides, this is if you were invisible, not visible. There's a huge difference. Dumb ass. Happy birthday," he tossed in there just to remind him that he loved him, smirk on his lips as Minhyuk mocked him in good fun. 

They were arguing back and forth, explaining their opinions and Changkyun was enjoying all of it. He was laughing out of joy, happy that he was intermingled with all this chaos. Everyone had their own sense of humor and seeing it all at once was entertaining and downright hilarious. He had never hung out with everyone at once before and being here now in the moment, he was disappointed he'd never acted upon that chance before. He was having a blast. 

Changkyun had needed to stop laughing to catch his breath, finding it harder to breathe in as deeply as he typically wanted to. A symptom of pregnancy he hadn't thought would be so prominent so early on, but he had been proven wrong when he searched up why he was finding it so damn hard to breathe properly. He fixed his posture, sitting with his back straighter and his shoulders pulled back. Momentarily distracted, Changkyun glanced towards where he knew Jooheon was sitting, unable to help himself when it came to the tension that was still between them. 

Jooheon looked visibly annoyed and he had throughout the party. His features softened sometimes when something funny was said but most of the time he looked as though he had something on his mind. Sometimes when Changkyun snuck a peek at him, he had a pout on his lips and looked incredibly sulky. It was kind of cute, but the veil of Changkyun's own stubbornness was preventing him from attempting anything and having fun with Jooheon when that was something he was supposed to be doing. He averted his eyes and looked back towards Hyungwon who was sitting next to him with Hoseok. They were still having fun and not worrying, so he should be too. 

Eventually, their little party did come to an end. Minhyuk was completely wasted as per usual when it came to something like this. The birthday boy had fun and that was all that mattered and it was up to Jooheon to lead them back to their room, just in case Kihyun needed an extra hand even though he swore he could do it by himself. Hyunwoo had gone home with the urgency to finish a physics paper and no one had stopped him, understanding that school was important. Everyone said their goodbyes and that left Hoseok, Hyungwon, and Changkyun behind to clean up the room and everything they had touched in the process. They worked in silence and worked fast since it was two in the morning and everyone was tired and ready for bed. 

Hyungwon and Hoseok had been busy sweeping up all the food that had fallen on the floor, wrapping up extra food, wiping tables, etcetera. They were leaving it spotless for the next occupants and making sure they weren't going to get fined for not leaving the room up to code. The RA's didn't appreciate coming to check on a room and finding it filthy, so leaving it how they found it was the most courteous. They were doing their best to make sure they weren't going to get in trouble, especially Hyungwon since he was the one that booked this room for the night. 

That left Changkyun with the trash. There wasn't much, it was pretty light and wasn't much trouble, even though Hyungwon offered to take it out for him. All he had to do was walk out to the dumpster and the problem would be done with. It wasn't a far walk, wasn't a big task, it was easy and Changkyun was still independent and he could do things for and by himself. 

Walking through the dorm hallways alone, Changkyun realized how quiet it was. All of the loud tenants were gone at fraternity and sorority houses or anywhere but here. It was a lot different from how it was during the week when there was class to attend and homework to be done, students spending their time in their rooms to work. It was a nice change and Changkyun wouldn't mind it if the whole week and the rest of the semester were like this. He liked quiet and peace he realized, it was pleasant and serene. His life was anything but, and it was a relief to have some of that now when he could. Peace wouldn't last him much longer when he had a baby on the way and the father on his tail at all times of the day. Hopefully, that wouldn't be too much of an issue before long.

"Changkyun!" 

He'd spoken too soon, and again, the universe liked to fuck with him like that. Changkyun cursed under his breath because he knew who that was, it was obvious. He turned over his shoulder reluctantly, briefly debating whether or not he should just keep walking and pretend he hadn't heard him. But, he was still a decent person and stopped, turning his body completely to see Jooheon exiting the stairwell that would lead up to all other floors of the dorm building. Jooheon had just come from Changkyun's unit and he'd had the absolute worst timing taking out the trash when he did, "Yes?" Changkyun answered, burying his hands in his sweatshirt pocket. He was frowning, irritated that he was being cornered by Jooheon, something he did not appreciate. This was the second time tonight as well; didn't he know when to stop? 

"We need to talk," Jooheon demanded with a frown on his features, stalking over to Changkyun and raising his hackles and baring his chest, a real show of dominance that he wasn't going to achieve, "And we  _will_  talk about this." 

"I don't have to talk about anything with you," Changkyun barked with an eye roll, anger boiling in his brain and chest, remaining indignant. He could feel his hands clenching in anger, starting to shake in fury as his nails dug into his palm. His palms were taking the brunt of the pain today. He hadn't been mad at Jooheon before tonight but with all this immature action, it was worth all the anger Changkyun had in his heart. Now was the time to let it out, "And can't you take a hint? I don't want to talk to you," he held his stance, standing strong and bolstered as Jooheon approached him. 

"Why though?" Jooheon asked in return, stopping when he was right in front of Changkyun, a bit too close for comfort and making Changkyun take a defensive step back, "Why won't you text me? Why won't you call me? Why won't you  _talk_  or even  _look_  at me?" Jooheon sounded furious and it was enough to stir Changkyun's nerves, stature faltering shortly before returning. He could fight his battles and fight them well. 

"You don't have to be so rude," Changkyun harumphed, wanting to pop this kid in the mouth. Of course, he was being hypocritical since he was also being rude. He'd been rude since he had his first sober conversation with the older, "And need I remind you, I'm not yours and I don't have to answer every time you text me. You can't just give me a moment to myself?" he inquired, wondering if Jooheon believed that Changkyun was supposed to bend to his every whim. 

"It's been a  _week_ , Changkyun, not a moment," he reminded, "And I haven't heard a word from you! I need answers and if you'd be so kind as to give me some then that would be great," he was restraining himself from losing it but he was so close because Changkyun was so frustrating and infuriating. The attitude Jooheon had was maddening and Changkyun couldn't help but return it with a passion. 

"You can't respect when I need some space?" Changkyun asked incredulously. He was losing some of his steam with the set in exhaustion and the mental strain. He was stretched thin, "And we have the same friends. You could have asked Hyungwon if I was okay, or where I was, what I was doing, I don't care! You had to wait until now to freak out and approach me when you have other people to talk to for days," even though he'd given that suggestion, he would have hated it if Jooheon had actually done that, "You tried to pull something in front of Hoseok hyung and Hyungwon hyung and that's not cool!" 

"It was the only way I would know where you'd be without having everyone else try to convince me to stay clear of you," Jooheon grunted and sneered in distaste of what was happening, "And anyway, I was texting  _you_ , not them. Why won't  _you_  give me the decency of shooting me a text telling me you don't want to meet up or that you aren't feeling it that day? Why are you leaving me guessing when you can just tell me like a normal person?" 

Changkyun couldn't bite back because Jooheon had a point. He'd ghosted Jooheon and all he had to do was text him, but he had a good reason too. Changkyun was dealing with a lot, thinking of what he was supposed to do and how to do it and Jooheon had not been part of that process because he would have offered his insight and that wasn't what Changkyun needed. Changkyun needed to do what he felt was right and not what others thought was right for him. Jooheon had already done that when it came to having this baby. It didn't seem appropriate for him to make this decision for him as well, "I'm not a normal person if you haven't noticed." 

"You've got that right," Jooheon scoffed, his own eye roll following as he started to pace the hallway. They were alone in this long stretch of wall with no exit and it made Changkyun feel small. 

"There was a lot of thinking I had to do," Changkyun spat as calmly as he could. It was informative but with his mood so sour it was difficult to come across as neutral now. Jooheon was near fuming and Changkyun would be as well if he wasn't trying his hardest to stay composed. 

"What does that mean?" Jooheon asked exasperated, thinking there was more to come and more attitude to deal with. Changkyun was a hard fight and he had one hell of a strong voice. Jooheon would scream and fight if he had to because he needed this to make sense to him. So far, there'd been no sense made. 

Even though he looked strong, Changkyun felt like crying out of frustration. His emotions were all over the place and more often than not he was crying over small, inconvenient things. This interaction right now was a huge deal that wasn't going to dissipate unless solved. Changkyun had to speak up and he did so with a much calmer voice than he had used before, even and congenial. He had to speak up, "I've been thinking a lot this past week," he paused, watching as Jooheon visibly relaxed his shoulders so he could listen. It helped that Changkyun was calm and was speaking so, "And there's a conclusion I've come to," another pause. He spread his arms, generalizing, "For all of this." 

Jooheon was waiting patiently still and Changkyun briefly thought how much of a saint Jooheon really was for putting up with all of this mayhem. Had they been friends, he would have bought him a drink, "I think it would be better if you took the opportunity and leave so you don't worry about me or the baby. So I'm giving you that out if you want it," it was hard to say out loud and Changkyun felt his throat close up, his body wanting to retreat and flee to safety. Offering to push someone's leave from his life felt so wrong but he knew it was the right thing to do. 

Jooheon looked confused, frown melting into befuddlement as he processed what Changkyun offered. His previous body language was gone now, relaxing and almost curling up into himself. Changkyun continued, thinking Jooheon would need to hear more before finally agreeing, "You're still in college, you're still working up to a career, not worrying about a family. You should be out dating whoever you want and doing whatever you want without needing to worry about me or the baby," a hand unconsciously rested on his lower hip, right where his abdomen started and where he was starting to round out. His bump, his baby, "Neither of us asked for this and why would I need to force this on you when you're just going to end up hating it and regretting it everything," he was tanking, intentionally giving up for Jooheon's sake. Jooheon could walk away, Changkyun could not. Changkyun pressed his palm fully to his small bump this time, hands hidden in his sweatshirt pocket again, "So I think you should leave." 

"What?" Jooheon asked, uncertainty still obvious. 

Maybe Changkyun needed to explain himself better? He didn't understand how Jooheon wasn't getting this. Changkyun licked his lips before speaking, "I wasn't responding because I wanted to minimize contact so you'd lost interest and wouldn't care about us," he would eventually anyway, it was something Changkyun had experienced time and time again and he was expecting no different this time around. Everyone left him eventually, "And now, this is me telling you that you don't need to stay until it gets bad and you can walk away because I told you that you can," he took a deep breath in, calming his nerves, "I won't be mad, I expect you to walk away," his heart was starting to ache. This was painful even though Changkyun had rehearsed this in his head so many times before. Being rejected was offensive and it hurt. Jooheon straightened up with a huff and a sigh, lost in thought as he considered his options. Changkyun was expecting Jooheon to take his offer and to head off, all of this effort for nothing because he was allowed to walk away and Changkyun wanted him to. 

But yet again, Jooheon surprises Changkyun many times over, "That's not fair." 

Taken aback, it took a few seconds before Changkyun was speaking again, wondering if he was losing his mind, "What?" deja vu maybe? Was this even happening? They were going back and forth now, "What do you mean?" 

"I mean: that's not fair," Jooheon reiterated confidently, his previous frown returning and his determination taking control again. He meant business again after Changkyun had knocked him down a few pegs, "It's not fair that you're not involving me in this. In anything related to the baby." 

Changkyun hadn't felt this discombobulated since he had been drunk all those months ago. It was like he was having an out of body experience, time seemed to slow down and he could see where he stood with Jooheon in that empty hall. When it finally processed, he couldn't help it when his voice raised to a level that was unnecessarily loud and could have easily been misunderstood as anger, "Not fair?! I’m trying to be fair by not involving you!" Changkyun clarified again, voice leveling again, "You’re so young, it’s not fair to make you a dad before you're only twenty," he didn't think it was fair that he himself was becoming a dad so young, and here Jooheon was: someone who could easily walk away from this problem and not have to deal with it. Changkyun really resented him for that, "How am I the one being unfair?" 

"It's not fair that you assume what I want when you don't even know what I really want," Jooheon explained with a clenched jaw, annoyance returning now that he understood why Changkyun was making this so difficult, "You've been doing this since day one. It wasn't fair that you kept the pregnancy to yourself in the first place, it's not fair that you're deciding my future for me when I should have a say, it's not fair that I'm trying to help and my efforts are being thrown to the wind," Jooheon threw his arms in the air dramatically, hands going to cup his face and scrub hard at it. Frustration was peaking and Changkyun shook his head, wondering how they were both where they were. How had they even connected in the first place even with all that alcohol in their systems? "This whole ordeal is not fair!"

 _Life isn't fair,_  Changkyun thought to himself. He was damn near close to saying it out loud but he figured it wasn't the right time to do that, "Aren't you worried though?" he asked, eyes locked on the ground, a lone coin sitting on the carpet catching his eye. Someone must have dropped it on their way to the vending machines a few more feet down the hall and let it roll. He could hear the sound of his own heart ringing in his ears and thrumming behind his eyes. This was all so uncomfortable and he just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the weekend away. 

"Worried about what?" Jooheon asked, still having his own breakdown to the side, shifting his weight from foot to foot to help calm his frantic mood. He was still annoyed, face still buried in his hands and not facing Changkyun, but he was also a bit more understanding now that he'd heard Changkyun's motives. 

Changkyun cleared his throat, not sure if he was asking the right question or not. Emotion was winning over logic and whatever his thought process was before was gone and replaced with what his heart was hurting over, "Worried about all that you'll miss? Because I chose not to get that abortion?" the width of Jooheon's eyes grew in shock. He almost forgot about that, "You're still so young and free. You won't want to be tied down to a mistake you made in college when you've eventually found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. How's that going to happen when you have a kid who will want to spend time with you?" another fear Changkyun had was growing attached just to have Jooheon walk out on them when things are hard or when he moves on with his life. If Hyungwon did that to him, he would be devastated and that was just his best friend. Raising a child with someone will surely form a bond unlike any other and if Jooheon decides to call it quits, Changkyun would be done for and left with a child to raise by himself, something he didn't think he would ever be ready for. 

Jooheon hadn't considered his life after college when it came to the baby. It was a good point and Jooheon took a moment to think a bit more in-depth about it. He would have spoken up had Changkyun not continued, "Sometimes I think it would have been better for both of us if I had just gotten that abortion," he paused, thinking briefly before retracing, "No, I know it would have been better. It would have been so much easier and then we wouldn't be caught up in this mess," Changkyun's breath hitched as he choked on his own words, immense guilt shadowing his body. As much as he felt guilty for being so evasive towards Jooheon, nothing compared to how his heart lurched at what almost was. Back then, he had seen the baby as an 'it', not a person yet, but now he actually saw it as a baby. His baby. Saying now that he should have aborted it was painful and he regretted thinking it was an option, "We wouldn't have to live through hell just to get through the day." 

Jooheon could tell how upset Changkyun was even though he wasn't revealing much through his features. He appeared stone-cold and blank, hard to read, but his eyes were so sad and worried. Changkyun gave away everything in those eyes and Jooheon just wanted to reach out to him and learn why he was the way he was. This was all so complicated when it didn't need to be and it was so awfully frustrating, but Jooheon could see there was something more to Changkyun. Even through all the suffering they'd endured, there was still something human about Changkyun and Jooheon desperately wanted to get to know that side of him, "I'm sorry for making you feel like this," he apologized, feeling like there was nothing else to say. There was a lot to process and he could be held accountable for everything he said following. 

Changkyun shook his head because there was nothing to apologize for, "You should just walk out. If you know what's good for you, run while you can," he could feel tears pooling along his waterline and crying in front of Jooheon was not on his agenda. He was so confused and this was so fucking hard to openly talk about. Years of suppression led up to this point, near crying in front of someone he barely knew. 

But Jooheon was never short of surprises, "No," he stood strong in his stance and his response was nothing short of that. The dominance he had tried so hard to establish in the beginning was finally taking root, "I'm not leaving and that's final," Changkyun opened his mouth to oppose but Jooheon continued, "You can't physically stop me from being there for you and the baby. Even then, I can't go on about my day knowing that I have a kid out there who doesn't know who I am. So please, forget the possibility I'm going to leave because I'm not. I'll be here every step of the way and I'm going to be a father. A damn good one at that." 

This was getting exhausting and Changkyun didn't want to fight anymore. If Jooheon was going to stay, then great he was staying, but he had to establish some rules if he was really committed, "If you're as dedicated as you say you are, then there need to be some changes made," he stated, sincerity saturating his voice. Jooheon perked up, happy to find that he was given a chance. Changkyun felt hypocritical since he really wanted Jooheon to be a kid and young, but if he was going to be a father, then he needed to be a good and responsible one. 

"At the party you were at last week," he started, watching as Jooheon's eyes widened in surprise and confusion. He hadn't known that Changkyun had been there, "Did you end up having sex?" a good question and not particularly an answer he wanted to hear. He needed this information to prove a point. 

"Yes," Jooheon answered hesitantly. He looked guilty as well, caught red-handed. 

Changkyun wanted to roll his eyes and get upset, but he was keeping calm and not trying to judge too hard. In a way, he already knew that answer. He was evidence of Jooheon's habits, "Have you slept with anyone since her?" while this seemed unnecessary, he was digging to reveal Jooheon's actions to himself. He didn't expect anyone else but yet again, Jooheon was full of surprises. He should start expecting more from now on. 

"The same girl," Jooheon answered with a nod, stilling when he chose to tell the total truth, "And someone else yesterday night," he looked very bashful now, even embarrassed. His habit of sleeping with others hadn't seemed like an issue before, but admitting that he had slept with two people in the last week to the man who was pregnant with his baby made him feel sick. Like he committed a crime almost. 

Changkyun wasn't one for slut-shaming, your body your rules, but he had to ask for his own safety and peace of mind, "Is it safe to sleep with you?" they'd had unprotected sex, who knows how many people Jooheon had done that with. Who knows what could be passed along from person to person. His mother had warned him about this kind of stuff, the only warning he took heed of. 

"I'm clean, I can assure you that," Jooheon had gotten tested very recently and he had the data to prove it, "You're at no risk of contracting anything, I promise." 

That was a relief to hear, but still, there was a point in his asking, “Even so, you can’t be doing that, not when you’re a father. What if another accident baby comes around? What are you going to do then?" the thought of Jooheon having another child when so young was headache-inducing and imagining himself with two children currently was a nightmare. He hadn't even wanted one to begin with. 

Jooheon had the audacity to shrug because he had no intellectual answer to give, "I'm hoping it doesn't happen again, but I guess there is always the possibility. It did happen to us,"  _no kidding_. Changkyun would have smacked him if he could. Jooheon saw the flaw in his statement and seeing wisdom in Changkyun's words, he figured now was the time to listen and obey, "But I guess you're right," he trailed off, not wanting to downplay himself so much, "I'll try to control myself." 

Changkyun felt bad by making him do this, but in the end: their baby needed a present father and Jooheon couldn't be present if he was spending nights with those he felt physical attraction to. Maybe when the baby is older and doesn't need so many hands to help care for them. For now though, while both of them were in college, they needed to focus on schooling and this kid, "I also think to help with that, you shouldn't go to any crazy, ridiculous parties as much," he saw the frown Jooheon gave him but really, people readying to be fathers wouldn't do that kind of stuff, "Definitely no drugs or smoking anything, even if you find it available to you. I can't have you being arrested before our baby gets here," our baby. He hadn't said that very many times before and saying it now felt personal, something he hadn't let himself fantasize about, "Is that doable?" 

Jooheon nodded, a little put-out but still able to find the positives. He had some bad habits, he could admit that, and having a child was going to run those into the ground. Without wild parties to go to, he could focus more on school and do better in his classes. Jooheon was going to follow along because this baby meant so much to him and there was no way he wasn't going to spend as much time as possible with them, "It is very doable," in reality, they weren't challenging guidelines to follow. Jooheon was going to be perfectly fine, "Anything else?"

Changkyun chewed on his bottom lip, thinking whether or not he really wanted to add this last condition. It was probably better that he did, "I want you to come to all of my OBGYN appointments," he felt his heart lurch at his own words and he wanted to take them back, thinking that was too much to ask, but Jooheon was onboard with the idea. 

"You really want me there?" he asked, shock ridden features endearing. He was so excited and Changkyun felt his hopes raise, jump a whole new level of personalizing this pregnancy with someone other than himself. 

"I do. It's your baby too, isn't it?" Changkyun asked, eyes wanting to dart away so he could avoid further contact, "My next one is in a week and we get to find out the sex," that was something he was incredibly ecstatic about. He'd only just started referring to his child as a baby and now he could find out whether there was a boy or a girl inside of him and that was bizarre while also magical. 

"Really?!" Jooheon shouted, a single jump in the air expelling his energy in the best way, "We'll find out if we're having a boy or a girl?" 

Changkyun nodded and he felt his smile peek past his cheeks, the joy that filled his chest all too empowering. It was contradictory with the skepticism that was clinging to his heart, afraid that Jooheon would do something else that would discourage Changkyun, but after this night, he could see how truly committed Jooheon was and it was inspiring, "We will," his hand brushed up his bump, distorting his sweatshirt enough to outline the faint curve of his lower belly. Jooheon's eyes darted in that direction, fascinated that their child was right in between them. The attention to a very self-conscious area of his body was a little overwhelming but it was also welcome because Jooheon was showing genuine interest in their baby. It meant a lot to him. 

Glancing at the clock hanging on the wall in the hallway, Changkyun caught sight of how long they had spent out in the hallway and Hyungwon and Hoseok were surely worried about his absence. Changkyun cleared his throat, Jooheon lifting his gaze to lock eyes with Changkyun again, "I'm going to go back so they don't ask any questions," he was sure there were going to be some. He'd been gone for a good ten to fifteen minutes and it took maybe two minutes to take the trash out. He felt like he should apologize for his actions but this was not the time for that. He had to return before they grew suspicious, which they probably already were. 

"Oh, yeah. It's getting late," Jooheon checked his locked phone screen and pouted at the time, his dimples popping out and adding a soft glow to his features, "I should let you go then," he nodded awkwardly, not sure how to disperse from such a heavy conversation. Did he hug Changkyun? Did he shake his hand or touch his bump? Jooheon really wanted to but reaching out and doing that without permission was plain rude. Changkyun wouldn't like it and that would cause a whole other argument. 

"I'll text you the details and we'll have to catch a bus to the clinic," Changkyun added, feet already moving to head back towards the dorm's private room. There was the slightest bit of discomfort but overall, the mood was much better, "I hope you have a good night," he wished with a soft smile, a hint of bashfulness added since both were so unsure of how to depart companionably. He still felt so unsure about Jooheon, but this was more than enough to clear the air between them. 

"G-Goodnight," Jooheon stuttered, taking his own step back before heading towards the dorm exit, glancing over his shoulder every now and then to check where Changkyun was. He finally stopped when the younger was out of his sight, past the threshold of the dorm building. He smiled to himself, finding that he'd made some progress and that he was pleased with it. He was going to see his baby in a week and that was something to get excited about. He'd never seen an ultrasound of his baby yet, and his first time seeing it was going to be phenomenal. He was incredibly giddy, bouncing with every step he took towards his dorm with the notion that he made huge progress with Changkyun. 

Things were getting better and were only going to get more so. 

\------- -------

"Thanks, Jooheon," Kihyun smiled, reaching out for a hug from his good friend. He hadn't thought he'd needed help getting Minhyuk to their room, but the man was drunk off his ass and walking seemed too difficult a task for him to do by himself. Kihyun had needed Jooheon's help to get him to their room and it had been a struggle. Minhyuk had wanted to knock on every door they passed to get to their room so he could tell whoever was inside that it was his birthday and Kihyun wouldn't have been able to stop him on his own. Thankfully, Jooheon was there and was able to hold his hand to prevent him from disturbing everyone in the building. He was also there to steady him every time he tripped over his own feet and stumbled. Minhyuk was purely a mess, but he was having a good time and no one could take that from him.  

"You're welcome, buddy," Jooheon responded, returning the hug warmly, "I hope you had a good birthday," he genuinely hoped he had. Kihyun had been one of his first friends when arriving on campus and they had a good and long history together, "You're as old as me now," he joked even though he was only a month older than Kihyun. There wasn't much of an age difference to compare, but when you were so young, every new year made you feel older. 

"Twenty years ancient," Kihyun rolled his eyes, attention quickly stolen by Minhyuk as he attempted to speak his own goodbye from the comfort of his bed, laying on his stomach and face pressed into his pillow. Both Jooheon and Kihyun could understand what he was saying, but it was nearly incoherent through all the mumbling he was doing. Minhyuk was living his life and neither could stifle his good mood, "You can go now if you'd like. I've got it from here," Kihyun assured, sitting himself on Minhyuk's bed, hand finding its way to his lower back so he could rub at the muscles there. Minhyuk reacted positively, a content smile painting his lips and a strung out hum following. 

"Make sure you get some water in him and he eats something substantial tomorrow morning," Minhyuk was going to have a hell of a hangover with all the soju he had drunk. Jooheon reached over and clapped his hand on Minhyuk's back, rubbing when Minhyuk reacted to his touch, "Happy birthday, Minhyuk. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?" he promised. They had some studying to do in the library since both had upcoming tests to take. Neither studied the same subjects, but it helped to have a friend there to study with. 

"Okay," Minhyuk slurred with a happy giggle, waving his arm at Jooheon, "See ya, Honey." 

“Have a good night,” Jooheon wished before he left, seemingly a bit distracted but still departing with an assuring smile and crinkled eyes, leaving his two friends behind in their room with another farewell, yet again sounding distracted. It was a bit concerning, but neither chose to acknowledge it since Jooheon had had a few of his own beers and figured he was feeling it in his system; nothing was out of the ordinary. 

Now alone, Kihyun spoke to Minhyuk with a soothing voice, low and soft so he didn’t startle his drunk friend, "What am I going to do with you, Minhyukkie? Are you even going to be okay tomorrow morning?"

“I’ll sure be," Minhyuk hiccuped, turning on his side so he could face Kihyun better, a dopey smile contorting his features humorously, "Did you not drink?" he asked, genuine confusion crossing his face in an instant. He could have sworn that Kihyun took a few drinks at least, maybe some shots? _Had he imagined that? How much did he drink? How did he get back in his room?_

Kihyun laughed amusedly. His best friend was so out of it and it was enjoyable to watch him under the influence, "You drank all my drinks for me. I think you had a little too much alcohol tonight," Kihyun shifted to grab the water bottle that was sitting on Minhyuk's desk at the foot of his friend's bed. Minhyuk would need it, "Here, drink some water. It'll dilute all that soju in your system." 

“Soju?” Minhyuk took the bottle gratefully and took large sips, gulping it down at an alarming pace. Kihyun was afraid he was going to get a stomach ache if he continued at the speed he was going. Before he could say anything and reprimand him for being so careless, Minhyuk was ripping the bottle from his lips and tossing the now empty plastic towards the trashcan across from his bed, amazingly making it in even when he was so disoriented. Minhyuk raised his arms meekly and reached for Kihyun in a bid for physical connection, "Come here," he mused with a content smile, sloppy and loose. Minhyuk looked so cute and relaxed. 

"What?" Kihyun asked with a nose scrunching laugh, scooting closer to his friend. His hand rested at the dip of his waist, thumb rubbing his side and further extracting that warmth from his body. This would usually tickle Minhyuk when he was sober but now it was taking no effect. 

"Hug me," he demanded of him, reaching to grab his shoulder but clumsily missing, causing Kihyun to roll his eyes with secondhand embarrassment. Even through his drunken stupor, Minhyuk could see the eye roll and he didn't appreciate it, pouting cutely in protest with a deeper tone of voice. He meant business, "Right now, Ki.” 

Kihyun side-eyed Minhyuk, wondering if he should be contrary for the hell of it and get on his roommate's nerves, but he didn't get to make that decision because Minhyuk started whining and Kihyun had to humor him or he would surely start crying. Minhyuk could roll through emotions very easily while drunk. It was like he had no emotional control sometimes, "Alright, alright," he nodded with yet another eye roll, ducking his body so he was laying on the bed in front of his roommate, on his side with his arm reaching out to wrap around Minhyuk's back. Minhyuk was warm and tall, pressed lightly to Kihyun's body, faces inches from each other with smiles creasing their features. Minhyuk wrapped his free arm around Kihyun’s waist, the space between them filled with content noises from Minhyuk. His smile was infectious and Kihyun couldn’t hold his own back. 

"Did you have a good birthday?” he asked

“M' birthday was weeks ago," Minhyuk reminded with a giggle, head thrown back some to expose his neck more to Kihyun's view. His cheeks were tinted pink with blush, all the warmth in his belly from the alcohol translating to his face and the rest of his being, skin warm. He was starting to feel a little hot, "But felt good to celebrate again. Properly," he was trying so hard to speak intelligibly and he did well most of the time, but other times it was garbled or slurred and Kihyun was guessing most of his words. 

"I'm glad you had fun," Kihyun laughed, rubbing his friend's back in comfort, "You deserve to be happy and not stress over much," even though Minhyuk didn't voice his stress aloud, Kihyun knew and could tell when he was at his lowest moments. With finals approaching, Minhyuk's poor time management and his lack of motivation were all damning when it came to school work. Studying to pass major exams was stressful in general and Kihyun couldn't imagine fully what his friend was feeling, "You deserved a night to let loose and not care about the consequences."

"You do, too," Minhyuk prompted, nudging his face a little closer to Kihyun's, a little too close for comfort. Kihyun grew flustered at the proximity and he had needed to readjust so they weren't uncomfortably close. Minhyuk hadn't even noticed, keeping in place and humming to himself, "You work so hard, it's stupid." 

Kihyun laughed at that, "It's stupid huh? Learning isn't stupid, it's quite the opposite." 

"Pretty stupid," Minhyuk reaffirmed himself, leaning forward to bury his face in Kihyun's neck, bumping his forehead against Kihyun's chin. Kihyun reeled back in momentary pain, keeping as still as possible to not disturb his friend, "You're stupid." 

"Fine," Kihyun agreed, figuring there was no winning this argument. He could try to argue with him, but he was drunk and there was no use fighting someone who was intoxicated. Minhyuk could win any argument sober or not anyway, "I'm stupid." 

"No," Minhyuk protested suddenly as thought offended, contradicting his own statement, "You're not!" he sounded so hurt like it had come from nowhere when it was he who had brought it up. Minhyuk was such an interesting person in general, "You're so smart," he prolonged the word 'so' for far too long, but it was to prove his point and emphasize his belief in his statement. His legs then tangled with Kihyun’s, heel hooking over his calves to hold him in place and his other knee pressing between Kihyun’s. 

"Okay, I'm pretty smart,” Kihyun nodded, adjusting them both so they weren’t in such an uncomfortable position. Much more comfortable. 

"Yes you are," Minhyuk agreed with a smile, eyes closed as he let himself calm down, not taking lone to do so, "You mean a lot to me, Ki. You're my best friend," he drawled, words and sentences starting to merge together into nonsense that Kihyun had learned to decode like a professional. And even in his discombobulated mindset, Minhyuk knew he had this incomparable love for his roommate. They were best friends after all, "Say it back." 

Kihyun burst out laughing, rumbling from his chest and leaving his mouth in a burst of laughter that could fill a room. Minhyuk was absurd but he had to oblige, and he was happy to, "You mean a lot to me, too. I love you, best friend," he tossed in, making sure Minhyuk was processing his every word. He pressed a little closer to Minhyuk, hugging him properly now since he hadn't entirely filled that first request. 

"Love you," Minhyuk snorted, settling into his pillow with a sudden bout of fatigue washing over his body. It was about two in the morning, a decent time to go to bed when you were planning to spend the weekend night awake. He clung tighter to Kihyun as he hugged him, clutching his shirt in his hand and making it so he couldn't leave, "Sleep with me." 

"But my bed is right there, I won't be far," Kihyun reminded, letting go of Minhyuk with one hand and pointing over his shoulder, rousing a pitiful whine from the older of the two. Minhyuk was especially clingy tonight, "You really can't survive without me sleeping as close as possible to you?" 

“No, I need you here,” Minhyuk stated as though Kihyun should already know so, “You’re warm,” he added, arm around Kihyun’s waist holding him tighter and in place. There was no way Kihyun was moving. 

“Fine,” Kihyun huffed, inwardly delighted that Minhyuk enjoyed his presence so much. 

“Happy Birthday,” Minhyuk added almost under his breath, earning yet another laugh from Kihyun. Probably a bit louder than necessary, seeing as Minhyuk groaned at the volume of his giggles. 

"You ready to sleep?" Kihyun asked after a few seconds of silence and stillness, turning over his shoulder and readying to reach and turn the light off. Minhyuk seemed to let him move that much, which was odd since he had so vehemently insisted he didn't leave or move so far away. Glancing back at his best friend, he found that Minhyuk's eyes were closed and his breath was slow and even. Kihyun smiled fondly and turned off the light, letting the dark coat them in black, the only source of light streaming in due to the light post positioned outside their room on the street. It wasn't enough to keep Kihyun and it didn't take long for his eyes to shut as well, sleep taking effect almost immediately. Kihyun was soon asleep in the arms of his best friend and it felt so natural, like he was meant to be in them. 

He couldn't be more content than now.  

\------- -------

Changkyun could feel his stomach twisting in knots out of anxiety, dread curling among his system as he sat in the waiting room of the OB/GYN clinic. His thumbs brushed against each other, twiddling in a dance of nerves and restlessness because this was by far the most apprehensive he's been about an appointment, and he didn't want to be pregnant during his first trip. He didn't necessarily want to be pregnant currently, but he was at a much better place with this pregnancy now than he had been before. There were still so many mixed feelings about what he was experiencing, but he was feeling none of those emotions now and neither was he focused on the baby as his biggest issue. The anxiety curling in the pit of his stomach was due to the fact that he was at the clinic with Hyungwon and Jooheon. 

It wasn't so much Hyungwon making him nervous, even though he was making him minutely antsy since he'd never attended an appointment with him before. Hyungwon was stepping into new territory and Changkyun hadn't properly prepared himself mentally for what Hyungwon was going to see of him. It was all so personal and Changkyun still wanted to hide away his personal life, so this was difficult even when it wasn't supposed to be. But even then, that was the least of his worries. 

It was Jooheon that was making him so agitated that he felt nauseous, uneasy about his presence when everything was still so complicated. It had been a quiet drive over from campus to the clinic with the three of them in Hyungwon's car, Jooheon sitting in the back and out of Changkyun's sight. Even though out of the way, Jooheon's aura was so strong and suffocating that Changkyun couldn't help but feel ill in his presence. Changkyun didn’t think he’d be able to bring the older into the building with him let alone sit with him as they waited for his name to be called and sit in that small examination room with him. Luckily, as a temporary solution, Hyungwon was sitting between the two of them in the waiting room, acting as a barrier and preventing any direct discomfort or contact. Physically and emotionally, Hyungwon was there for damage control and Changkyun was endlessly grateful for that. He felt infinitely better with his best friend there by his side and supporting him during one of his most vulnerable stages in his life. Jooheon was doing all of that as well, but with their bad history and past events, it was hard for Changkyun to remember the positives. 

Changkyun shifted in his seat for the tenth time since they checked in with the office’s secretary, earning him an inquisitive side-eye from Hyungwon next to him. He apologized under his breath, lowering his sight to play with his phone that was staying clutched in his hand, grateful to find that Hyungwon turned his attention back to his own phone. Had the older asked him how he was doing, Changkyun couldn't promise he'd give a coherent or organized answer. He was a bit overwhelmed, that was no secret, and being pressed for answers would do no one any good. Hyungwon could read Changkyun very well at this point and he could see how uncomfortable he was, but this was no place to ask someone about their darkest thoughts. Playing naïve was his best bet to keeping his friend from descending into a worse spiral. He knew the stakes since Jooheon was there with him; he'd heard all about that night right after Kihyun and Minhyuk's small birthday party and was heavily surprised by what he had heard and what they had both concluded on. He tried to remain neutral since he was good friends with both Changkyun and Jooheon, and he thought he did a pretty good job, considering things. He could bring it up later when they were alone again. For now, he had to hold no opinion. 

Changkyun felt guilty in all honesty, if he really thought about it with a clear conscience. He wanted so badly to be relaxed and let Jooheon enjoy his time here but he couldn’t. He and Jooheon had kept in touch since their little misunderstanding, but it was awkward and short conversations over text, no attempts at meeting up again since they were eventually going to visit the clinic together. Changkyun didn't think he could force himself to meet up with Jooheon when he felt so awkward with him. They'd made some progress when it came to understanding each other's insights, but they were both so different and it was difficult to remind himself that Jooheon was committed to this baby. He had to keep reminding himself and who knows, maybe he would see a whole new side of Jooheon during this appointment. 

Currently, the oldest of them all had a smile on his lips, glancing around the room in deep interest, studying the diagrams on the walls and the pictures of mothers and fathers with their babies. He was showing more interest than Changkyun had ever shown at an appointment before. An odd sense of guilt was added to the list, feeling as though he should be the most excited about this baby, but he wasn’t. _Should he be more excited? Why isn’t he? What was holding him back from loving this baby as much as he could?_

Fear. The fear of being like his own parents, the fear of losing his childhood, the fear of failing. This was all so easy to fail. 

Another twist in his lower belly caused him to squirm in discomfort, wanting to break from the confines of this moment. He wanted to not be here and to go home, lay in bed and rid his mind of all his troubles, maybe eat some of that ice cream he bought the other day. He had a little bit left, and it was enough to weather this storm and let him relax and put his mind at ease. His mind was racing and he could feel a headache coming on, his body ready to panic at its limits. He felt sick, he felt like he was overheating. He wanted to go home. 

“Im Changkyun,” his name was being called, clearing his thoughts of panic and filling it with new thoughts of interest. He looked in the direction he heard, “Your doctor is ready to see you now,” it was one of the nurses that worked during the day, Changkyun having seen her before at his last appointment.

Nerves on edge, Changkyun accidentally bolted to his feet right away, standing awkwardly as the nurse took in his stature with wide eyes. Changkyun was sure Hyungwon and Jooheon were giving him similar looks but he couldn’t force himself to turn and look, embarrassment rising in his cheeks, red clouding pale complexion. In an attempt to save himself, Changkyun cleared his throat and stepped forward, “Nice to see you again,” he smiled, wide and fake but believable if you didn’t know him. It was the kind of persona you set up when you work in customer service. Sickeningly sweet and obnoxious. 

“Nice to see you, too,” the nurse smiled, caught off guard but still delighted to speak to Changkyun, “I trust you’re doing well,” she smiled, turning to walk down the hall once Hyungwon and Jooheon were caught up behind Changkyun, “You’re absolutely glowing.” 

 _Bullshit_ , Changkyun said in his mind. He felt awful and his skin was starting to dry out and break out around his hairline. There was no glow to him, “Thank you. I’m starting to do a little better,” not the entire truth, but she didn’t need to hear the gruesome details of Changkyun’s less than fantastic life. 

“That’s very good. I hope you’re getting as much sleep as you can. Your baby will want to party all night long when they get here.” 

 _Your baby_. Changkyun felt dizzy, “So I’ve heard.” 

Small talk came to an end as they were led to their assigned examination room. The nurse motioned all three boys inside and nodded when the last one entered, “She’ll be with you in a second,” she added with a polite bow before leaving to attend other matters, closing the door behind her. That left the three boys together in the privacy of the examination room.

“We’re going to see the baby!” Hyungwon exclaimed with a lowered voice, not wanting to alarm whoever else was in the complex with them. It would be embarrassing to have that same nurse come back in expecting there to be an emergency when really it was a young adult who wasn’t able to contain himself, “That’s so crazy. Are you excited?” he asked Changkyun while he fiddled with the wire that was connected to the ultrasound machine placed next to his chair, hopping in his seat with immense energy, “We’re going to see how big they are.”

“And if they’re a boy or a girl,” Jooheon added proudly, his chest puffed out unnecessarily. It had Changkyun chuckling to himself as he settled himself on the paper-covered examination table. Jooheon’s interest reminded him yet again of his own lack of enthusiasm but also opened his eyes further to how genuine he was. It warmed Changkyun’s heart, reminding him that he wasn't the only father to this baby. 

“Oh yeah!” Hyungwon exclaimed, jumping to his feet and then bouncing on the balls of his feet, clenching his teeth in a very excited and scary looking smile. It was intense enough to not make sense and translate oddly, but was enough for the onlooker to know that he was happy, “Do you think you know what it is?” he then asked Changkyun, face a bit too close for comfort as he hopped around. His good mood had him forgetting the concept of personal space and spacial awareness. 

“Even if I had a guess it won’t matter,” he answered, receiving a curious tilt of the head from both Hyungwon and Jooheon. He sighed and explained himself with no qualms, “We can assign a gender to them at birth, but ultimately, I want the kid to identify themselves as whatever they feel comfortable with. Be that female, male, non-binary, whatever they feel most comfortable with when they grow up,” he genuinely did not care for the sex because he’d had friends who’d struggled with personal identity and bringing a child into the world who has to experience that same thing would be an awful thing for Changkyun to do. In his opinion, if he was going to bring a child into the world, he should create a loving and accepting environment for them. 

“So you’re not excited to find out?” Jooheon asked quietly, wondering if he should have the same mindset for his child. He hadn’t thought about it before but Changkyun always did seem to have more awareness of tolerance than him. Not that he didn't, it just wasn't his first thought. 

Changkyun shook his head and smiled softly, indicating that he wasn't offended either way, “It’s exciting to find out, and I can't deny that I do want to find out, but I don’t want their sex to define who they are, you know?” his eyes lowered to his lap, discreetly glancing towards his small bump that was starting to fill out, “I don’t want to have them conform to what they’re not comfortable with. Gender is just a social construct anyway.” 

“That’s actually really poetic and sweet,” Hyungwon nodded, a soft smile lifting his lips. Changkyun always doubted himself, Hyungwon knew this, but seeing Changkyun care so much about the comfort of his unborn child was proof that he was doing really well and was going to do well when this baby comes around. He felt proud of his best friend, and he hoped that Changkyun could recognize what he was doing for his baby because he should be proud of himself, “Even then, when it comes to biological sex, do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” 

“He’s a boy, there’s no doubt,” Jooheon piped up, catching Changkyun off guard with his confidence, “Every time I picture him, I see a little boy. There’s no way he’s not one.” 

“You seem so sure of yourself,” Hyungwon tsked, rolling his eyes, “But prepare to have your heart broken when it turns out to be a girl,” Changkyun had heard Hyungwon talk about this before. The idea of a daughter was indeed exciting and Hyungwon had once talked about buying a whole closet of dresses that he could dress her in, matching bows for her hair included, “Your daughter is going to be so offended to hear that you thought she was a boy.” 

“But we don’t know what they are yet, so you can’t say they’re a boy or a girl,” Changkyun reminded, butting in before the two really went at it. When Hyungwon was passionate about something, he could really conjure some compelling arguments about why he’s right and they would never hear the end of it, “You’ll have to wait a bit longer before you can start saying who was right and who was wrong.” 

Jooheon opened his mouth to say something in opposition but before he could utter a word, the door was opening and Changkyun’s doctor was walking in with a welcoming smile on her face, “Am I interrupting something?” she asked, a professional laugh following before entering the room fully. 

“Not at all,” Changkyun answered quickly, adjusting himself on the table, that previous anxiety returning, the paper crinkling beneath him. He hated the feeling of the thin paper against his skin, making him want to itch and scratch at his arms with a fervor. He didn’t know if it was the anxiety that always came with a doctor’s appointment or what, but it just had him feeling absolutely disgusting. 

“Good," she added brightly, making her way to the farthest corner of the room where there was a chair for her to sit on and a counter for her to rest her things, “And who do we have here today?” she asked politely, Changkyun having not come in with someone before. She wanted to officially introduce herself to those in her office and to see someone as skittish as Changkyun coming in with two different people at once was a nice change. He had been so unsure before and now he seemed much more comfortable, better feelings towards what he was going through. It had been no secret that he wasn't happy with what was happening to him before, but he seemed to have a better mindset now. The progress excited her because having a baby was an exciting thing and to find that her patient thought so too was an improvement. 

“These are my friends,” Changkyun simply answered for them, not wanting to get into any more detail and cause a stir. He would prefer he go through this appointment without any awkward encounters and get to the part where he could see his baby and find out whether they were healthy or not, and maybe whether they were a boy or a girl. Everything seemed fine for a second following his small introduction, but it didn’t stop there. 

Jooheon was quick to clarify who he was even though he wasn't asked, “I’m the other dad,” he added with a small shoulder roll, pride obvious in his chest. There was nothing wrong with him owning up to being the other father, but Changkyun felt so uneasy that he couldn’t help but feel anxiety about his confession, heart in his throat. This was his doctor, the person who was involved with this pregnancy the most, and now she knew who the other father was. She knew more and more about him every time she saw him, and a stranger learning more about his personal life made him very anxious. 

“Oh! Well, it’s nice to meet you,” she greeted, holding her hand out for Jooheon to take. It was nice to see that the other father was involved, not something she could say happens a lot when someone as young as Changkyun comes into her clinic, "It's good to have you hear with us."

Jooheon shook it amicably, smile on his face, “It's nice to meet you, too. I'm excited about today," he stated and that had been obvious from the second Changkyun and Hyungwon had picked him up from his dorm building. 

"You should be because we have an ultrasound to do today," the doctor chirped, then turning to greet Hyungwon, receiving a very similar greeting minus the father part. Once finished with their introductions, Changkyun's doctor turned back to her belongings and opened her laptop, opening Changkyun's file so she could write down everything noteworthy and to take notes about the progression of this pregnancy, "Should we get started then?" 

"Yes please," Changkyun nodded, anxiety rising in his throat. Both Hyungwon and Jooheon were about to see a lot of him, more than anyone had ever seen of him before. It was something he was shortly starting to accept, knowing that his body was a wonder to behold now and everyone was interested in it. It wasn't something pleasant to acknowledge, but he was trying his best to acclimate. 

The appointment went as planned, going through the agenda run through with promising change and Changkyun's doctor was very impressed with the progress he's made so far. He was measuring well, Baby was in a good position, he had healthy blood pressure levels, and he gained a healthy amount of weight without it being too much, the number kept between her and Changkyun per his request. She understood, knowing that weight was a sensitive topic so she fulfilled his request. "You're doing a good job," she'd informed him with a smile, happy to see he's been following the diet plan she had offered him. Changkyun smiled back, gratefully and happily. With all the personal stuff shared between Changkyun and her, she made sure not to skimp out on the details of the baby's development now at sixteen weeks along. This was the part many people wanted to hear about, the most exciting part. 

"Baby is measuring at about four and a half inches, roughly the size of an avocado and on average weighs around three and a half ounces. They're still very small but they're about to double their weight in the next few weeks and add quite a few inches. They're also starting to grow hair on their scalp but it isn't very visible, so we'll see what happens when they get here.

Your baby's heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby develops.

The top of your uterus is about halfway between your pubic bone and your navel, and the round ligaments that support it are thickening and stretching as it grows. There's a lot more stretching and growing to do, and unfortunately, more round ligament pain but that should subside as your body gets used to it. 

And something else exciting: I would suggest that you start singing or talking to your baby since their ears are starting to develop and they can perceive sound. They won't be able to understand language but the fluctuations of your voice will excite them, and speaking to them now will lead to them recognizing your voice when they are born." 

Jooheon had been so amazed by everything the doctor had mentioned, but the last of what she spoke about was the most exciting. His baby could hear him and that was amazing. He wanted right then and there to run over and speak to Changkyun's bump, say hello to his child and introduce himself. But he didn't think Changkyun would appreciate, nor did he think this was the right time or place to do that. Jooheon didn't know when he'd get the chance to do so anytime soon, but he knew when to choose his moments to act. 

They were going to move onto the ultrasound, the part that everyone was excited about. Changkyun was excited about it and to see his baby who he hasn't seen in a month, "Hopefully, we'll be able to tell the sex. Unless you don't want to know," Changkyun's doctor had addressed him, leaving the decision up to Changkyun since it was his body and his baby. Even if Jooheon or Hyungwon were to answer for Changkyun, she wouldn't take their decision into account. The patient's comfort was most valuable. 

"I'd like to know," Changkyun nodded with a smile, very excited to find out, hands clutched in his lap as he held his enthusiasm at bay. It was a very exciting concept even though sex meant nothing when gender identity was the most important. Finding out the sex made it real, really real. Even there was plenty of evidence to prove their existence, this baby was getting to the point that Changkyun couldn't deny anything because this was truly happening, "If you can find out." 

"We'll see whether he or she cooperates, but we should be able to otherwise," she added as she sat in her chair, readying her monitor and equipment with an excited smile. This was such a enjoyable part of her job that she could never get bored of. The novelty never wore off, "If you can lay down and lift your shirt please then we can get started and proceed with the fun part." 

Changkyun was a bit hesitant and felt a frog caught in his throat because he didn't want to expose his body in front of this audience he had accumulated. He was nervous because Jooheon was there and while everyone in the room had seen his bare torso before, especially Hyungwon since the two changed in front of each other all the time, Jooheon was the last one to see any major changes in his body. It was discouraging, mind trying to protect itself by keeping covered, but he had to do as he was told. His doctor was waiting for him to do as he was told and to get it over with sooner, Changkyun laid flat on his back and lifted his sweater to tuck it under his chest, painfully aware of the differences of his body in that moment and the cool air tickling his skin. His eyes stared at the ceiling, avoiding any eye contact even with his doctor. From what he could see out of his peripheral, neither Hyungwon nor Changkyun were looking even though they were both standing at the side of his bed. They were preoccupied, eyes glued to the screen in fascination. 

The last time Jooheon had seen his body was when they'd had sex all those months ago and Changkyun was a completely different shape back then. He now has a bump, a newfound roundness to his lower belly and something he wasn't comfortable with yet. Changkyun felt huge in all honesty with the small bump he had. He knew there was still plenty more to come and that he was still rather thin, but now he felt so different and awkward in his own body, feeling the need to hide away from sight. But he gets to see his baby and wants to make sure they're okay, so he could put up with the embarrassment for a little longer so he could get that relief.

"Alright, let's start,” his doctor announced, applying some gel to Changkyun's lower belly and using her transducer to spread the smooth substance all along his skin in search of the baby, the slightest pressure dipping on his skin. It didn't take too long before she found the best angle and Changkyun was speechless at what he saw. 

At his last scan, he couldn't see much of the baby so clearly. He could see the general outline and different body parts when they were pointed out, but it had all been so grainy and low quality. He also hadn't cared as much back then as he did now and he was currently taking in every detail because there was his baby and he could see every little part of them. It was amazing to see the difference between twelve weeks and sixteen weeks and he hadn’t thought there would be this much of a difference. 

He could see everything perfectly. The side profile, each hand and arm, each foot and leg, the tiny little body. It was so clear and purely mesmerizing, Changkyun was shell-shocked. That was his baby. He could hear Hyungwon’s and Jooheon’s amazed coos as they processed what they were looking at. Jooheon had the widest smile on his face, phone in hand as he lifted it and snapped a quick picture to keep for himself. Changkyun thought it was sweet. 

“Oh look!” his doctor pointed out, finger lining along the screen and pointing out what she could see, quickly removing her finger. Changkyun was worried at first, wondering if she could see something wrong on the screen and his anxiety spiked once more, “Baby is opening and closing their mouth.” 

And yes indeed, Changkyun could see it. His eyes tracked the profile of his baby and lowered to where the mouth was and he could see the slightest shadow moving. It was so obvious and Changkyun minutely thought how amazing this was even though he absolutely hates that this is happening. It was all so complicated, unsure of which emotion to feel. That’s  _his baby_  and his baby can move around and kick their legs and move their body and he felt like crying for thinking that he had considered abortion. That definitely was not the right decision for him he finalized because he had such a strong liking towards this baby already and he thanked his rash decision to keep this baby. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be experiencing this. He was thankful Jooheon was taking a video of what was happening so he could relive this moment over and over again. 

“They’re moving, but when should I be able to feel it?” Changkyun asked, having wondered for a while when he could feel those first few flutters. Hyungwon’s gasp was near-silent but loud enough to communicate how absolutely excited he was about that prospect. Jooheon as well even though he kept silent by Hyungwon's side. 

The look on his doctor’s face was that of disbelief and consternation, yet another thing that made Changkyun nervous, “I’m honestly surprised you haven’t felt them move yet,” since he was so small, but she didn’t say that out loud, “Every baby is different, but since you’re four months along now you should feel the baby move very soon if you're not feeling anything now,” she smiled, hoping that he could feel the baby move very soon. She still wasn’t completely sure of Changkyun’s stance, but she could guess that he would have a better reaction to it now than he’d had before. 

“Cool,” Changkyun added, a smile on his lips again. It was fascinating, but also terrifying at the same time. For now, he was feeling that genuine amazement and wouldn't let it go.  

His doctor took the measurements of the baby and once she found everything she needed, which she stated she was satisfied with, she brought up the next big step, “Let’s take a look and see if we can tell whether it’s a boy or a girl now.” 

Changkyun felt his heart start to race and he felt a warm hand slip into his. Glancing up, he found Hyungwon’s eyes locked on him with a warm smile on his lips. Changkyun returned the smile with a small chuckle before turning back to the screen, his doctor focused on the monitor as she looked at different angles of the unborn baby. She soon had her answer. 

“Well, it looks like you’re having a healthy little boy,” she joyfully revealed, pleased grin thrown her patient and visitors’ way, “Congratulations, Changkyun-ssi!” 

“I told you so!” Jooheon shouted almost immediately, pointing at Hyungwon with an accusing finger, "I said he was a boy and now look who was right! Try to make a fool of me and you get made a fool!" Jooheon was gloating and Hyungwon let him, knowing he had every right to because he was indeed proven wrong and Jooheon had indeed told him so, "Whoa, I'm having a son. That's incredible!" he glanced Changkyun's way to see his reaction and he perceived pure bliss. 

Changkyun hadn't said it but in his heart, he knew it was a boy even though he doesn't care for gender. Even though he wasn't very vocal about it, he was ecstatic. He had a little boy inside of him, growing strong and healthy, and that little boy was his. His eyes had been glued to the monitor but now he was pulling them away to glance down to his bump, much smaller when he was laying down, but there was still a small peak that was right below his belly button. His baby boy, "We're having a son." 

"A son," Jooheon reiterated, smile unwavering, "That's amazing." 

"It is," Changkyun agreed, feeling nothing by pure joy and elation. 

Changkyun's doctor spoke up while handing him some paper towels to wipe off his abdomen, "Would you like a print of your ultrasounds to take home?" Changkyun hadn't grabbed any copies last time but maybe he would this time. 

"I would, two copies please," Changkyun nodded, taking the paper towels and quickly wiping off his bump, "One for me and one for Jooheon here," he clarified, spotting the shock on Jooheon's features. Jooheon previously hadn't felt as involved as he would like to in this pregnancy, and then Changkyun voluntarily willing to give him some prints had him feeling much better about their involvement together. He was going to have a picture of his child and that was amazing. 

"I'll go get those printed for you and then you can schedule another appointment with the secretary in one month, and I'll see you again," she smiled, gathering her belongings before turning to leave, "It was nice to see you," she addressed Changkyun, "And it was nice to meet you," she greeted Jooheon and Hyungwon, bowing to all three of them politely before exiting through the door. 

Changkyun worked on cleaning himself up and a flurry of interjections filled the room, "A boy! I can't believe it!" Jooheon exclaimed, a happy bounce in his feet, "I can't say it enough." 

"I know," Changkyun concurred, feeling a swell of pride in his chest for his unborn son, "He's so tiny," that was another recurring thought. He was such a small person and he was growing well, his doctor pleased with his development. 

"He really is," Jooheon nodded, stepping close to Changkyun and while this would usually unsettle the younger, it didn't this time and it was welcomed. The two of them had just gone through something amazing and it was building their relationship, "I can't wait for him to get here. Another five months," and there it was again. The anxiety that kept creeping up on him, afraid of actually taking care of a baby when he knew nothing about taking care of a child. He had a lot to learn in so little time. 

"Me neither," Changkyun felt he needed to match the enthusiasm, even though he didn't necessarily agree in the moment. A hand found it's way to his bump, resting there momentarily before he tore it away, finding it too personal in the moment when he was with two other people. It was something he did in private, but in public felt wrong. 

"Should we head off and grab those ultrasound prints?" Hyungwon asked, hand grabbing the doorknob so they could leave. He was excited to see those scan pictures and he hoped they were something that Changkyun would let him see them multiple times. Seeing the monitor was magical, but having prints to look at time and time again was even better. 

"Yeah! We should!" Jooheon headed towards the door. He was going to have his own picture of his son and that amazing, something he was going to cherish forever. 

Changkyun was still feeling so much, a mixture of emotions from happy to afraid, and there was still a lot he had to work out. There was still a buzz of his nerves and he felt the aftereffects of excitement, so he might as well enjoy it while it lasted. He was going to get pictures of his baby boy and he was going to stare at them all day. He had friends who were just as excited as he was, and he was doing well. 

He decided to live in the moment, enjoy himself, and focus on the positives. Retrieving those prints from the secretary and staring at them, he couldn't help the singing of his heart when he saw that little boy. This little boy had already stolen his heart and he wasn't even here yet. Changkyun didn't know someone could do that yet here he was, dedicated to this little person and willing to risk everything for him. 

He had twenty-four weeks left, and that was a long time away, and there was plenty of time for him to improve and plenty for him to prepare. For now, he was going to adore the pictures he had and imagine his son in his arms. He would be here soon and that was unbelievable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me commments, I love reading them <<<333
> 
> And I want to know how I'm doing!


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